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Depression 2 - Me 0

Monday, February 06, 2012

I sit here wondering WHY ME yea sounds like a pity party.
But no I m trying to figure out y I m always fighting this depression. As early as I can remember they were calling me moody; I wasn't even in school yet. Its one of the few memories I retained of my early childhood.
As a young child I went through a few traumatic issues but even b4 then I was called moody.

I have been on several different types of medication over the years. I try to focus on being & doing positive things. But times like now its just not enough. I m forcing myself to get out of bed everyday. I've gotten really good @ hiding from ppl. Noone really knows me; I never let anyone get close enough to know.

Poor hubby I m taking his head off on a very regular basis lately. I just cant seem to stay in my right frame of mind. I m not interested in much lately; but I m trying so hard not to stay in this black hole but every day it gets harder.

I started new meds about a wk ago dr to give them some time to work. Next wk my dosage goes up. I do think they may b starting 2 work cause I think clearer about my snapping as I'm snapping.

I'm not drinking alcohol @ this point. Hubby says I was a nicer person when I did. But I m trying 2 help the medication 2 work properly so I'm trying. Prayerfully tomorrow I can get a hold of the lady who is suppose to b doing my intake so that I can get moving 4ward w the therapy portion of my recovery.

I have decided that for the next 2 wks I m not going 2 b tracking my food other the fruits & veggies. I need to focus more on my mental state then on my calorie intake. I do plan to continue w my workouts.

I m going 2 continue working on myself. But right now I really wish that I could just disappear forever. I try to tell myself that things r gonna get better but right now I dont c things ever getting any better. I feel like I m just worthless & pathetic; this part has gotten so much worse since I had the back surgery last May. I just hate feeling this way - I wake up feeling this hopelessness.

I have been able 2 walk up the steps like a normal person for almost a wk w the exception of 1 day after I over did it.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

I-CHOOSE 2/12/2012 11:24AM

    I can really hear your pain through your words. I agree with Blessedtobeme1 about getting your thyroid checked.

I too suffer from depression. It hits at odd times on occasion.. times when I wouldn't expect it to hit. It doesn't always seem to have a reason. I feel for you!

When I was really down two years ago I read a book called "The Depression Cure" by Stephen S. Ilardi PhD. This has helped me more than anything I've ever tried. While I follow the recommendations I have relief. When I stop, the old feelings tend to creep back in.

The basics of the 6 step program are: 1) big daily dose of omega-3 fatty acids, 2) cognitive tricks to stop rumination, 3) exercise, 4) light therapy, 5) social interaction, and 6) healthy sleep.

When I get depressed it really helps to have something I can do, so I don't feel helpless. I can't always drag myself out for exercise, but if I do the other things I have an overall feeling of relief. Then when I feel better I add the exercise.

I can't pretend that your feelings are the same as the ones I feel, but just know that there are people here who really empathise with you. One thing you have in spades on this site is the opportunity for the social interaction.

Best wishes on your journey.

Comment edited on: 2/12/2012 11:26:11 AM

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BLESSEDTOBEME1 2/7/2012 9:51AM

    I will pray for u. Hugs. Please know that u r loved. Do not give up, u can do this. If u need to talk come by my page. Remimber that God has a purpose for u. He has a wonderfull plan for your life. U might not see it now , but its true. I hope that your meds help u. Have u had your thyroid checked. Please do. It can cause severe depression. Also maybe trying some vit D. Remimber that u do have friends here.

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 2/6/2012 8:05PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticonPraying for some relief from the depression.

WTG with the steps. emoticon

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Day 34 - 2012

Saturday, February 04, 2012

Spent most of the day in bed. I didnt get to sleep until about 9:30 this morning.

Exercise minimal. Eating ok

Looking forward to a womans workshop that I m going 2 tomorrow morning.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 2/4/2012 11:13AM

    Hope you have a good weekend. emoticon

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MARISERV 2/4/2012 4:57AM

    Getting enoung sleep is so important MAGA emoticon
I hope tonight is better for you emoticon

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Day 33 - 2012

Thursday, February 02, 2012

Today was a good day. I decided today that I needed to bless my neighbor with some things she needed & while we were taking care of it I was blessed by an old friend. GOD IS SO GOOD.

My eating was mixed today but I didnt go over my calories. My exercise was ok today but not what I wanted it 2 b; but i'm still a little sore form my fall yesterday.

I dvr a show about a woman who was over 600lbs & her journey 2 lose weight. And I realized that every weight lost show that I watch all say that there is a reason y we get fat & cant lose the weight. I was abused as a child but I was skinny back then even when I left home I was still thin. I didnt start putting on weight until after I had my 3 children.
So I m trying to find my reason 4 keeping on all this weight. the only conclusion that I've come to is that I like food I really really like food. I've dealt with many issues in my life including depression since I was 4 yrs old. But I really don't think any of that has to do with my weight . I'm probably wrong but I really think that I'm obese due 2 the fact that I like to eat. The flavors the textures. But I will continue 2 work on finding my reason.

My dr has me doing a feelings journal 'I've started new bi-polar meds. Even though the dr doesn't really think I'm so much bi-polar as having _____ depression (don't remember the word); he said I was a ____ depressive. He also told me that I will never b entirely over my depression as it is so much a part of me. But that he does feel that I m going 2 get alot better due 2 the fact that I m so honest about the things that happened 2 me & honest about my feelings of things. Right now the new meds cause me to be antsy. Tomorrow i will find out if my ins will cover me going 2 therapy; its a combination of group therapy & a psych dr 4 private sessions 2 monitor my progress & if I need other meds.

Well thats all now time to get back to my crocheting progects - thats my therapy 4 now.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 2/2/2012 7:37PM


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Day 32 - 2012

Thursday, February 02, 2012

Yesterday was NOT a good day. Woke up feeling frustrated & angry. Not sure y.

The after school program that I volunteer @ was shirt staffed.

I fell; I 'm ok but still a little sore. When u step from my living room to my enclosed porch there is a 6 in drop; as I cant look down do to neck issues I hold onto the door frame & step down. Weelllll hubby & a friend of his was doing some work on our front deck & side yard; they put the tools & stuff on the porch & a roll of tape rolled to the step down area w/o anyone realizing it. So as I stepped down & didn't realize that I was actually stepping on the tape instead of the floor. When I lifted my other leg I fell I landed weird on my hands& knees but w part of my left side sprawled on the floor. As I said I'm ok just a little sore.

My eating & exercise were both ok.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 2/2/2012 10:17AM

    Hope today is a better day. emoticon

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THEEXERCISER 2/2/2012 9:13AM

    I'm sorry that you fell bot I am glad that you are okay.

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Day 31 - 2012

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Well hubby got me sick; so I dont feel like doing my evening workout.

I did my volunteering today. Violence Prevention @ the Academy & then afterschool @ a family school.

My eating was ok today.
My exercise all I did was walk but I will get my exercise in tomorrow 4 sure

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 1/31/2012 9:51PM

    Praying you feel better soon. emoticon

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