MAGA99   153,322
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STILL TRYING TO COPE

Monday, May 10, 2010

I want to thank everyone who has offered me encouragement n kind words while I'm dealing with my panic attacks. Yesterday I left the house to go pick up hubby for his day home (he b home on May 19th for good), Well I probably shouldn't have went yesterday was the worse day for me. Even though I had such a great time w/ hubby home their was just too many panic attacks for me to deal with.

I have an amazing wonderful hubby I m truly blessed to have him in my life. He told me not to worry about anything if I want to just lay in bed then I could & when he comes home he will take care of me. It really does make me believe that everything will b ok.

I go to the drs on Wednesday morning & prayerfully I will b feeling better by then cause I couldn't bring myself to go today. I hate feeling this way n I wish that I could just force it all to go away but it doesn't work that way. The last time that I felt this way was after my ex-husband had held me & my children hostage.

I will continue to pray for guidance. I don't understand why I'm still having such a reaction like this. In my head I know that I was always safe & that the man didn't want to hurt anyone not me or himself. But everytime I go to leave this house I just panic, I can't breathe, my chest feels like its going to explode and my head hurts so bad. Anyone who has ever suffered from this knows that there is no rhyme or reason.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

W8WHITTILER 5/13/2010 4:54PM

    Hang in there sweetie..
This too will pass, but only in God's time!
I am here if you need me..
Love
Patti

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LITTLE_QUEEN 5/11/2010 3:53PM

    emoticon emoticon

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CSNODGRASS 5/11/2010 10:22AM

    I'm still praying for you. I have not experienced this, but I can only imagine how terrifying it is. Just hang in there and know you have a lot of people who love you and a lot of supportive SparkFriends.

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LOZUKE 5/11/2010 5:23AM

    I have been thinking and praying for you. I truly believe they will get better soon and go away. We don't know why thy mind work as it does. I will continue to have you in my prayers. emoticon emoticon emoticonDebbie(I am glad you keep us updated)

Comment edited on: 5/11/2010 5:24:27 AM

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DOHAGAN23 5/10/2010 11:18PM

  prayers and good thoughts to u

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DOHAGAN23 5/10/2010 11:18PM

  prayers and good thoughts to u

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YIGOBUTTERFLY 5/10/2010 8:51PM

    I am glad to hear you did get out a little. Is there someone who can go with you to the doctor's? When you do get to the doctor be sure you talk to him/her about what is going on. You have gone through a trauma and may need some help getting over it.

My prayers are with you.

Jane on Guam

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MINDYJ1 5/10/2010 6:43PM

    Praying that these panic attacks will stop! Hugs, Mindy

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FEARS & PHOBIAS

Friday, May 07, 2010

Well I haven't left the house since the incident on Wednesday afternoon.

I couldn't even walk across the street. I took the trash cans 2 put them @ the curb n went into a Panic Attack. I was suppose to go to Synod Assembly this wknd but I had 2 back out due to these attacks. I m suppose 2 b preaching on Sunday I m praying that I will b able 2 make it there. The blessing is that my hubby will b here 2 support me.

I m truly blessed to have a few very good friends. One stopped over to go the store for me, telling me let to rush myself thru this. Another friend stopped by to try & get me 2 walk 2 the store n said they will come by tomorrow to try again. He said that I walk & ride my bike to many places not to get over this.

If I m still feeling paranoid over the wknd then on Monday my daughter will b coming over to walk me to the drs. I feel so foolish. Please just keep me in ur prayers. God Bless

Z - I actually got out of bed & sat on the front porch with a friend
E - very little
N - slightly over calories

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CSNODGRASS 5/9/2010 3:42PM

    I'm glad you have such caring friends. It will take time, but you're a very strong person and with God's help, you'll overcome this. I'll be praying for you.

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TONYA_JO 5/8/2010 11:43AM

    Take it one day at a time. It is great that you have friends coming over to help walk you places. Is there someone at church you could talk to to help get you through the panic attacks.

Hang in there! emoticon

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KMIRANDA2000 5/8/2010 8:30AM

    Sending prayers your way

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WINNIEATWELL2 5/7/2010 10:14PM

    What you went through is/was very scary. It was quite tramatic! I can understand why you would be feeling this way. I think this whole situation would have sent me into a panic mode too. Know you are in my prayers.

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TESSIELU 5/7/2010 9:37PM

    Hang in there! Prayers for you!!!

Tess

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MINDYJ1 5/7/2010 9:10PM

    Praying for you! emoticon

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FIGHT2SURVIVE 5/7/2010 8:44PM

    I don't know what happened the other day that started all this, but I do know about panic attacks. I had my first heart attack in 1995. I remember exactly what it felt like. To this day, I cannot tell the difference between a heart attack and a panic attack. I had to go on medication for awhile. But something that helped me far more than the pills was a stupid little paperback book that a friend brought over. It was called "Hope And Help For Your Nerves" by Dr. Claire Weekes. I no longer take any medication but each time I feel myself getting out of control, I can refer back to the book and it pulls me right back to reality. If you can find a copy of it, I really think it may make a difference for you. I'll keep you in my prayers. NEVER be ashamed that this is happening to you. Believe me, there are many many people out there that deal with this every day. You are NOT alone.
Erin

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LITTLE_QUEEN 5/7/2010 8:13PM

    I am so sorry you are having panic attacks maga, I will keep you in prayers.

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LOZUKE 5/7/2010 7:52PM

    I am so sorry that you are having these panic attacks now for doing such a wonderful act of kindness. You are blessed to have good friends to help and don't feel foolish at all about your daughter walking you to the Drs. I have epilepsy and when I am getting seizures I have to rely on friends and family to take me places all the time. My independence is gone! You are in my prayers and God Bless you and your family emoticonDebbie

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SCARY EXPERIENCE

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Well, today was a day for me. It started out wonderfully I rode my bike 5 miles round trip to go pay my electric bill. Then with my daughter n 2 grands, we went shopping @ the thrift store. It was such a lovely day my daughter ask me to do her a favor n ride my bike to go get her a May bus pass so that she doesn't have to waste the money to go down town to get it. Now I know that Camden was recently listed as the most dangerous city to live in in the U S & for yrs we were the 2nd poorest city but alot of good does happen here & I've been blessed since I've been back here & usually feel totally safeOkay no problem. I go get the buss pass, feeling great.

Then as I m riding my bike back to her apt it stated to ride funny so I coasted to a shady place to TRY n fix it. I was working on the bike then there was this man, he was talking all crazy n delusional. Then he pulls out a knife I m against the guard rail bike on 1 side column on the other he is in front of me.
Then he talks about killing himself setting on fire didn't work (whole top of body is burnt) the pills didn't work other stuff didn't work either. Don't ask me why but I asked 4 the knife n he gave it 2 me for a whole 2 secs then came towards me cause he wanted it back. I cant go no place n I can barely walk due to a swollen foot. He takes the knife n starts pushing it into his throat below the adams apple, I scream 4 some reason this somewhat normally busy street has no cars.
I beg him not to he ask y. I told him I would feel guilty if he did it.
Somehow I convinced him to go to the hosp he said they wont help him I offered to walk there with him & I did. We talked the whole walk n when we got 2 the hosp I gave the security guard the knife n prayed with the man b4 I left.
I sat outside of the hosp n just cried for about 15 mins, then I get on my bike to head back to my daughters I had 2 ride pass the place this all happened n went into a severe panic attack. My cousins had 2 come get me between the crying n the shaking I couldn't ride my bike no further.
Every time I close my eyes I see that knife my hubby is gonna have such a fit when I tell him about this on Sunday, The weird thing is alot of the things that happened to this man happened to me sexual abuse by a family member, then leaning about God but still came the suicide attempts. He kept saying that there was nada special about him y do ppl say there is; I've been asking myself that ever since I got my award.

Z - I may have saved a life (mayb even my own)
E - 170 minutes
N - within my calories

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUZANNEV99 5/24/2010 9:03PM

    Wow!! Just reading that made me tear up!

You definately did save his life and yours as well!! What strength you have to do this for someone that could have hurt you. I truely admire your courage and am moved by your bravery.. emoticon

I will keep you and your family in my prayers!! emoticon

emoticon
Suzanne

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RAINBOWFALLS 5/14/2010 10:18AM

    How awful for you to have to go through that, and yet you were a life saver too! It may take some time to work through your fears, but I always live with the philosophy that you have to live your life. There always seems to be a reason for why things happen, it just might take some time to work out what the reason was.

Best of luck to you!

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LMSTRAW 5/7/2010 11:37PM

    The way you helped him is so awesome. You probably did save his life. Poor guy, and poor you, being scared like that. I know you were stopped there so you would be there to help this guy. I know it was traumatic for you, but you truly are a hero.
Big hug.
Linda emoticon emoticon

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TERMITEMOM 5/7/2010 9:42PM

    WOW! Was this scary! Are you OK? I am so impressed by what you did... it took a lot of guts.

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TERMITEMOM 5/7/2010 9:40PM

    WOW! Was this scary! Are you OK? I am so impressed by what you did... it took a lot of guts.

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TESSIELU 5/7/2010 9:35PM

    Bless you for being so kind! You have every reason to feel frightened. I have been through two robberies, and it can take a while to feel safe again. Hope you can move past the fear soon.

Tess

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MINDYJ1 5/7/2010 9:14PM

    I think anyone would have a panic attack after something like that happening to them. Praise God that you were not hurt. emoticon

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LITTLE_QUEEN 5/7/2010 8:12PM

    I was starting to read your other blog and then came to this one, Maga, God put you in that place at the right time for a reason, He needed help, This world today is so sad and horrible crazy and he obviously needed help, There are heavenly angels and then there are special humans on this earth that have heavenly souls, Maga, you were his emoticon

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LOZUKE 5/7/2010 7:44PM

    I had to read to find out what happened to you OH My GOSH! God had to be with you I don't think I could have done what you did God Bless You! You save his life You are just amazing. I am so glad you were not hurt. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticonDebbie

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YIGOBUTTERFLY 5/7/2010 5:58PM

    Wow! So glad you were not hurt. Do you have someone you can ride with at least for awhile to get over the fear?

How is your foot?

Glad you were able to help this man.

Hang in there friend.

Jane on Guam

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BABIE_JANE 5/6/2010 2:59PM

    A part of me wants to scream, are you crazy? But, you were at that place at that time because obviously you were supposed to be. I would bet not many, if any, of us reading your blog would have had the guts to do what you did. You are a strong person. That man was lucky to have come across you. Hopefully, your help will get him the help he needs. Bless you!

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CAROLEHZ 5/6/2010 8:40AM

    Wow, what a ride...not only did you help your daughter by getting the pass for her and save yourself ( Wow! some quick thinking on your part!)but I'm sure they you have helped this obviously hurting person too. I can totally understand having a panic attack after the fact.. but I think the part where you helped is where your thoughts should dwell...your actions made a difference for another person.

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AUNTJENNY7 5/6/2010 8:11AM

    Oh my gosh! That's so scary! I'm really glad that you're okay. That was a very kind thing that you did to help him too.

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PROUDMOM2BOYS 5/6/2010 6:42AM

    Oh my goodness! God bless you for helping that man out and praying with him. You may have made more of an impact on his life than you even know. Glad everything turned out okay. ~Jodi


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THENAMESLISA 5/5/2010 11:41PM

    I can understand the after-the-fact panic attack! I'm glad you're okay!

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DRURY23 5/5/2010 11:30PM

    Kudos to you for having the courage to talk the man into going to the hospital even though you were that scared. You were obviously the person God intended for him to talk to (even though it scared you so much and was so stressful) because who knows if anyone else would've done what you did for him.

Thankfully no one was hurt, just shaken up. You did a great job!!

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NEED2LOSEN2010 5/5/2010 11:13PM

    Marcia;

That's more excitement on a bike ride than I ever want to see. Thank God for watching over you, & in turn you watching over another. You were really brave, with a caring heart.
May God continue to protect & bless you.

Sunny emoticon

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CSNODGRASS 5/5/2010 10:45PM

    Oh, Marcia, you were so brave! I don't hink I could have done what you did. You did save your life and his too. God is smiling down at you, for sure! I'm so glad you're okay!

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WINNIEATWELL2 5/5/2010 10:44PM

    Wow, what a day you had...God bless you for walking that man to the hospital. What a wonderful caring act of kindness. You did a really nice thing. You've got a good heart. I would have been so scared. emoticon I am so happy it turned out good for you and this man.

Comment edited on: 5/5/2010 10:46:26 PM

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MAY GOALS

Monday, May 03, 2010

Well here we go into another mth, so its time for new goals.
My gaols 4 May will b:

1. log food & fitness everyday

2. cardio everyday

3. post on another members page everyday

As I try to stay more focused prayerfully the lbs will start 2 going down.

Z - slowly getting my house back together
E - 60 mintues
N - within my calories

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CSNODGRASS 5/3/2010 9:57PM

    YOU CAN DO IT, GIRL!!! Thanks for still posting Z-E-N...I haven't blogged in a while, and I forgot!! I'll be doing that tomorrow!!!

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GOAL_WORTHY 5/3/2010 9:15PM

    You can do it!

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SPARKPIXIE 5/3/2010 8:32PM

    Good luck with your goals, Maga~ emoticon

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ELLEBE725 5/3/2010 8:07PM

    Good luck! emoticon I wish you well with your goals!!

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Time-4-Maga

Monday, April 26, 2010

Well I decided to change my screen name.

I've been kind of stuck in a rut. As with my depression I've decided that the only way to get out of it is to make some changes. So today is the day that I will once again refocus on myself. I will also no longer allow myself to feel guilty when I put myself first.

Z - went 2 the dr

E - 65 mins

N - low end of my calories

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CDAWN26 4/28/2010 7:28PM

    Sounds like you have a great plan. Love the new name. I have faith in you to succeed. emoticon

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TONYA_JO 4/27/2010 11:23AM

    Love the new name!!! emoticon

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RUTHIE254 4/27/2010 12:41AM

    Good for you! We should all take a page from your book and lose the guilt!

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WINNIEATWELL2 4/26/2010 11:52PM

    I like your new screen name.

Comment edited on: 4/26/2010 11:54:37 PM

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PINKNFITCARLA 4/26/2010 10:06PM

    Nice name! I like it. Changes often do help.

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LITTLE_QUEEN 4/26/2010 9:09PM

    I like the new name!

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