Thursday, January 03, 2013
It's a new year, and I plan to start this year off on the right track. I honestly didn't think I would be back at this point again. I started off so well last year. I kept moving forward no matter what, and then in a few short months, it all fell apart on me. See, I got a little bit prideful. Ok....ok....I admit it, I got very prideful. I thought I could beat this on my own. I thought I could let things slide a little and "make it up later." I thought, "I'm not doing so bad. My clothes still fit me, so I must be doing ok."
But there were warning signs. Things weren't going as well as I kept trying to tell myself. I was making choices that weren't wise. I was making excuses to not move. I was lying to myself. "I'll start up again tomorrow." "Next week I'll do better." "I've had to work late so often lately." "It's too hard to try to do this with all the temptations of the holiday season." I said every one of these things at least once in the past couple of months.
Here's the truth - some of my clothes don't fit right now. Clothes that I was just getting into, I now can't button up. I can still wear my "fat clothes" - which are really just clothes that were in my transition - I wasn't quite the smaller size, but my current clothes were starting to look too big on me.
Here's another truth - my stress levels have been through the roof. I knew what I should be doing, but I wasn't doing it, so I would stress that I wasn't doing it. But at the same time I was stressing about how I was going to get everything done if I did do it. And and I would stress about how to eat healthy when I couldn't even be home for more than 1/2 hour at a time and everyone kept bringing in these sweets at work - my biggest downfall?
Here's another truth - I have been feeling sick. My stomach problems are back. My back hurts. My head has been aching. My muscles are sore. It hurts to be me right now. Another health issue has come up - which had not been a problem in more than a year.
Here's another truth - my emotional health has faltered. I feel small. I feel ugly. I feel like a failure. Not all the time, but when I stop to think how I was doing and compare it to where I am at now, all I can ask myself is "Why?"
Why am I doing this to myself again? Why do I do well, and then sabotage myself? Why can I not just keep moving forward? Why do I allow myself to be lazy?
So, here I am again. Writing a blog posting I am ashamed to write, but knowing that admitting my failure is a big step toward getting past my failure. Being honest with myself and others is a step in the right direction. Now I just need to keep making those steps. One step at a time, I will reach my goal - even when it feels like I make 1 step forward and 3 steps back.
Until Next Time,
Saturday, July 07, 2012
In less than 24 hours, I will be embarking on my trip to California. I am excited as I haven't been back to the Orange County area in over 2 years. But I'm also a little nervous because my ex-husband still lives in the close vicinity. I don't talk to him or know exactly where he lives in the area. I just know he's close. That makes me a little nervous because I really don't want to see him. That wouldn't be an issue if I thought he'd respect my wishes. But he rarely has respected my wishes, so I won't count on it. I don't think he knows I'm coming, but we did share some of the same friends and I do still talk to his mom, so there is the possibility that it slipped.
Interestingly enough, even though I'm nervous, I'm not afraid. It seems that the longer I am away from him, the less afraid of life I am. I don't find myself constantly looking over my shoulder worrying that I have to watch every move because someone might find out my "secret". I don't have any secrets anymore. I don't have to hide a bad - no let's be honest here - abusive home life. I don't have to pretend everything is fine. It's not pretend anymore. Life IS good.
You might be wondering what the heck any of this has to do with a progress report on my weight loss. Well, I'm going to tell you. In the past, when I've been nervous or excited, my first thought was to turn to food. Food was my comfort zone. Food made me feel good. Food was my "love affair". I never had to worry about food telling me all the ways I was wrong or all the ways I had failed. It'd make me feel good for a while, and when that feeling turned off, I searched for more to get that "feel good" feeling again. Is it any wonder I gained so much weight? I was feeding my body to quiet my feelings. I do recognize that now.
But in spite of everything that has been going on with me recently - and trust me, there has been a LOT of drama - in spite of the family get-togethers, the drama with my kids, drama with friends, etc, I haven't even thought of turning to food to drown out my emotions. Not once. The one day that I did overdo it, wasn't due to emotions, it was due to the fact that the cookies were there, and I ate one, and then wanted more. Even last night, when I ate very late for me, I didn't go for the foods I normally would have. I am so proud of myself because I was so hungry, and it was so late, and we were at a restaurant, the easy thing would have been to grab the comfort food. Instead, I allowed my youngest to talk me into eating a salad (sans dressing), and it was delicious and I didn't feel bloated when I walked out. I didn't feel like I had eaten a ton. I was comfortable, but most of all, I was happy with my choice and didn't have to wrestle with guilt at all. That's HUGE for me. That's something to be proud of. That's progress.
So, even if the scales don't register the loss I want it to (and due to my "cookie day" and a visit from TOM, it probably won't), I still feel like I had victory this week. I know that in spite of the one day that I overdid it, in all other ways, I followed the plan that I had put together for myself, and I did my very best. I can't ask for anything more than my best. As I keep reminding myself when I mess up, "It's ok to have a high standard. It's not ok to expect perfection in an imperfect world. Just get up and keep moving forward. Don't give up."
I'm not giving up. I refuse. I am currently at the lowest weight I have been at since 2006. I know I can reach my goal - I just have to keep moving forward.
Until Next Time,
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Ok - so I did a lot more work last week and was careful with my eating (mostly). And yet, even after all that, I still gained. I hope it's just the fact that TOM is planning to visit soon. This really isn't helping me toward my goal of losing 20 lbs by mid July.
Tonight I did my walk/run workout with my daughter. I've been putting it off, but I decided I needed to work even harder to get this weight off. Apparently, I am just not working hard enough. I've also been being careful of what I eat.
Anyway, like I said, I went and did my walk/run. I thought I was going to die, and honestly, if my daughter hadn't been with me encouraging me to keep going, I probably would have quit. I'm not kidding. I have fallen that far behind. I basically started this particular section over again. I'm sure I'll do better next time.
By this time next week, hopefully this will all have been a dream, and I'll be back to my old self. LOL
Something I've started to do again is to write. I've been writing every night (give or take a couple of days) for at least 1/2 hour. I've been surprised to see what I end up writing. Some nights it's poetry. Others it's just me rambling on about what's going on. The nice thing is that I feel more like writing these days - which is good since I eventually want to be a published author. In order to do that I, of course, need to write. Eventually, I hope this will become a habit that I will end up writing even longer times without having to force myself to do it.
Anyway, that's what's going on with me.
Until Next Time,
Tuesday, May 08, 2012
So - I've been a bit slow to get back on track. I have such good intentions, but then I get tired or don't feel like it or whatever, and just don't do what I should. But TODAY, I did. I worked out today - and I have to say it felt good. It's good to be active - and I remember that after I've done it, but it seems I forget from day to day sometimes.
I'm very proud of myself today because I could have continued to make the excuse of "I'm too tired..." or "I didn't start when I intended to, so I don't have time now." Instead, I refused to do that - and I worked out. I'm really happy that I did that.
I've been journaling a little more when I feel like eating, but I haven't done so well with that either, but this week, I didn't buy the sweets to have in the house. If they're not here, I can't eat them. So it's a start....and I'm eating like I should for the most part so far this week - and yes, I know it's only Tuesday.
I guess bottom line is - I may be starting out again slowly - but I am starting. My goal is to lose 20 lbs in 2 months because I want to go to my home office in CA and wow them all....and get a new outfit to boot (or a couple, since I figure I'll need to if I lose that much).
So, that's my update for today.
Until Next Time,
Sunday, April 29, 2012
That's it! I'm so over this. I am over, done and finished!! I am fed up! Enough of the excuses and the wallowing and the pity parties. As of this moment in time, those are things of the past.
Since the middle of March, I have had a difficult time sticking with the program - any program. I had a pretty good schedule going, but I let myself slack off for a bit. I still did my daily walk (or two), but nothing above and beyond - except occasionally. I have been eating my emotions - not every day, but more often than I should. I have made excuse after excuse for myself: "I'm sad," "My muscle near my shoulder blade hurts," "I'm so tired..." - you name it, and I've probably said it.
But as of now, I am done. I do NOT want to gain back everything I've lost. And I do NOT want to just maintain what I've lost. I want to work toward my goal. I can get there, if I just get off my duff and work at it.
So, I'm writing this so I can be accountable to others. As of this moment, this is my plan for the foreseeable future:
1) Exercise at least 4 times per week. These are the days I will definitely work out: Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and I will work out one or both of the following: Sunday, Friday.
2) Start back on my Walk/Jog part II program - this will last for the next 5 weeks, after which I will plan on having a jog a part of my workout plan at least 2-3 days per week.
3) Eat healthy. This means, no eating out, no unplanned sweets (I do allow myself to have a day where I can have a sweet), no soda. This also means eating more fruits and veggies, eating more protein and cutting back on the carbs (which will actually be easy if I stick to my 'no unplanned sweets' policy because that's where most of my carbs come from).
4) Journal - instead of reaching for something to chow down on when I'm feeling emotionally vulnerable, I will reach for my journal or my external blog, or this blog. I will NOT eat my emotions.
5) Find at least one accountability partner. This must be someone who is not afraid to question me or push me to do my best. This is someone who can be there to help me along, and hopefully someone I can help along, so together we can reach our goals.
It is time to take back control of my life - at least the part I do have some control over. I will not allow myself to turn back into that person dependent upon food for her comfort. I will no longer be that person who stands by while her life falls to pieces. My kids deserve better than that. I deserve better than that.
Until Next Time,
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