Sunday, November 24, 2013
Lately I've been struggling with fear. It's a monster that we all face. It rears its ugly head in different ways for each person.
There are lots of quotes about fear, but one that spoke to me is: "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important." Ambrose Redmoon
I was fearless when I got married at 20. Fearless when I became a mom at 24 and again at 26. I faced natural, unmedicated childbirth with no fear. Packing everything we owned, leaving our family and the place we had called home for 20 years, no problem. Driving 1300 miles, nothing to fear there. After living through all that something so small as losing 15 lbs scares me. I'm afraid to fail. Afraid to let myself down. Afraid to prove right the ones who say I can't.
I KNOW I can because I did it before, but fear still holds me back.
Recently, I made a decision to ignore my scale for a while. The stress of working hard and seemingly getting nowhere was dragging me down. Putting my focus on healthy living is much more motivating. I track all my food, run 3x per week, and WATP for 60 minutes 4x per week. My last official weigh in was 11/10 @ 160.4, but my last known weight was 163.0, on Thursday, 11/14. Now, I know fluctuations are normal, but that swing crushes me over and over. Hence my anti-scale decision. I haven't decided how long to wait until I weigh again. Maybe a month, so 12/10.
I don't want to be afraid of failing. I want to live my healthy and fit life, fearlessly!! If I put in the work, the results will come!! Eleanor Roosevelt said, "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."
Facing my fear of failure, in weight loss and life in general, will not be easy, but staring it down and pushing through is the only way. I want to be healthy. I want to lose those last 15 lbs. I know the fear is there, but it just means what I want is worth fighting for.
I realized that though nursing school has always been a dream, I haven't taken any real action because of fear. Fear I won't be good enough. Fear of letting myself down. Fear of letting my family down. Fear of the unknown. I want to make that dream come true, so I have to find my game face, gather my courage, and take the first step.
So, this is me kicking myself in the butt: FIGHT!!!! Go after what you want and get it. You ARE worth it!! You deserve to be happy! Do this for you!! FEAR can NOT stop you or hold you down!!!
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Completed my running challenge of 20 miles in October. Actually, I ran 20.5 miles, but I'm not bragging. Just pushed myself a little. Hoping to add another few miles before the month ends!!
I learned a lot this month!
20 things I learned in 20 miles
20: I really do love to run!
19: Running in October in the south is AMAZING!! Warm and dry!
18: I can make my running and work schedules mesh!!
17: The 2nd mile is the easiest!
16: Armadillos live in GA and make really stinky roadkill!!!!
15: Drinking water 10-15 minutes before heading out keeps away the dreaded "ribby" cramps!?!
14: Running every 2-3 days feels better and easier than twice a week.
13: I still can't make that negative voice in my head shut up!!
12: I CAN run all the way up the huge hill to the finish line of my run!!
11: Having my running outfit ready in the bathroom when I get up helps!!
10: My "road" vibrams are easier to run in than my older "trail" vibrams!!??
9: The Nike running app is great!! Love the 1/4 mile update setting!
8: I want to run one race each month for a whole year. Entry fee $ as Christmas present request??
7: I may slow down, I may walk, but I will never stop!
6: I still like to run sans music! Though sometimes a line from a song becomes a great mantra. "Nothing's gonna break my stride, nothing's gonna slow me down, oh oh, got to keep on movin!!"
5: I feel sad when I think about all the months that I didn't run and use that feeling as motivation to keep on running.
4: When summer comes, with all its heat and humidity, I will be stronger and ready to run through anything!!
3: Even though I may have to drag myself out of bed to run, I'm always glad I did!!
2: Even though I have to run and choose to be healthy on my own, I can get a huge amount of support from my hubby!! Thanks Babe!!
1: I really, really, really love to run!!!!!!
Thanks for sticking with me this month! Next month I'm jumping on the "exercise every day in November" band wagon. How will you make November memorable??
Thursday, October 03, 2013
I almost said can't. As in can't figure out. Yes, there are things I need to figure out, want to figure out, but haven't been able to or haven't tried hard enough.
Things like: Why do I avoid running? I love running and thinking about not running makes me sad and want to cry, yet I haven't been able to figure out how to fix my drive. It's gone. I used to thrive on my runs! Run day was the best. Then during a particularly stressful patch in my life, I was stopped from running when I needed to most and since then I just can't. I'm seriously tearing up thinking about it all. After that day I just stopped. I might run once a month, then not at all for a few months.
Then there is me. I'm not happy with where I've ended up by following my own path. Why do I stubbornly think that I can suddenly get all the pieces right without any help? SparkPeople and my Spark Friends motivated and helped me change my whole life for the better, but when said life got busy, I walked away. Well, not sure how my spark friends fared, but I'm not doing so hot. I didn't gain back all the weight I lost, but I once again lost MYSELF. I had purpose, drive, confidence, muscle, a spark. Now, I'm sick of being lazy and out of shape. I'm also tired of being constantly lost. Not knowing who I am.
Part of losing myself was due to the fact that I lost my family identity. Due to really crummy circumstances and past issues that my family refused to accept, I walked away from them. Then I literally moved 1300 miles away without telling them. I know it sucks!! I know it's horrible and there are lots of people who would give anything to have a family and I just tossed mine to the wind. I've told myself that I am a horrible person, yet I have total peace with my decision. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I think it was the beginning of my journey back to myself. I can finally have the freedom to be myself and figure out what I like and what I want and what I need. It hurts like nothing I can think of, but growth is often painful!
I went for a run today. It was probably one of the worst ever, but that doesn't matter. I'm going to run at least 20 miles this month. I'm just going to. Not negotiable.
I'm also going to do strength training at least 3 times a week.
I'm tracking again. Something I thought I was above. I thought I had it all together and that I knew how to maintain. I'm not saying I don't know how to maintain, just that I wasn't ready to go solo and I still make more bad choices than good. I know the good choices, but often give myself too much leeway and then get out of control.
I'm tired of thinking about looking good, feeling good, being fit, liking what I see in the mirror. I want to make it my daily routine and mission. Taking care of myself has always been last on my list, but I want to permanently change that. I am worth the effort, the sweat, the sacrifice. I have a long way to go. I'm not even close to fully loving myself. I barely know me. I know the me that I show to everyone, the skin, the mask, the shell of a person. Who I really am is a mystery. i have discovered that I like owls, steampunk, and having my nose pierced. Although after only having my nose pierced for a few months, I took it out. Not by choice, but if I really want to pursue my career in the medical field, then I have to be a bit more professional. Luckily, I also love tattoos and have lots of "acceptable" places to hide them :)
Being healthy is no longer a choice. It's just going to be how I live my life. I'm done thinking that things will just change or that it will just happen. I'm going to make things happen. I will be the change. I've wasted enough time doing things "my" way, now it's time to change that, too!
I'm pretty close to my goal weight, so that shouldn't be too hard, but I know it will be. I need to focus on what stops me from being the best me. i know I don't love myself enough and that I don't feel like I deserve to be happy or loved or fit or healthy or anything good. I'm a work in progress.
I'm considering starting a journal. I think it would be helpful, but I've always been such a private person that writing down what I think or feel scares me. Someone might read it and then the fraud I am would be exposed. Plus, when people know the real you they have ammo to wound you. Maybe that's what I'm really scared of, being hurt again. My childhood was an emotional battlefield, filled with hurt, anger, and more responsibility than should ever be forced on a child.
If you want to support me and learn who I really am, then please stick around and make yourself known. I'm here for the long haul.
Here's to starting again. Getting up, dusting off, and moving toward the goal.
Thursday, August 08, 2013
People have the right to believe what they choose: free will.
I have no other choice but to say God has His hand on my life!
We got up one morning about 6 months ago and said, "we should move south!" Ha!! Funny thought! Somehow, I now sit in an apartment 1300 miles away! Monday I start a job (one of literally 100s I applied for) that was the only interview I had, and I was hired on the spot. Wait, what??
Yes, we put our house up for sale March 1, accepted an offer May 24, and moved July 10. It's a wild and crazy story that I hope to recount here someday soon.
Anyway, I made my back to SP and have started running again. Things have never been easy, but I know that the safest place to be is in His hands. He is in control and I'm ok with that, because He sees the big picture while I only have a few pieces.
Keep Sparking friends!!
Saturday, April 14, 2012
I'm still waiting for an answer. Bummer!! The director of the program is at a conference until Tuesday, then she has more interviews on Wednesday, then she should make decisions on Thursday, and finally call everyone on Friday.
I went to "orientation" on Wednesday, April 4. The class is scheduled to start on Monday, the 30th. The CASAS (Comprehensive Adult Student Assessment Survey) test went well. I was supposed to answer 25 reading comprehension questions and the results would determine the next booklet of tests I would need. I finished the test before others who arrived before me. Then the director spoke a bit about the class and the rules. Pretty basic: show up on time, pay attention, pass the quizzes, let them know if you have anything on your background check, etc. Then the instructor spoke a bit about the course, not in any real detail though. We spent more time talking about which color scrubs we wanted to wear for clincals than we did about the actual class. BTW, periwinkle is not a readily available scrub color!! Then we had to do an individual interview with the instructor. She wanted to know a bit about us and why we wanted to take the class. She asked if things like blood or poo bothered us. Being a mom and working in the laundry facilities of a hospital/nursing home, I'm not scared of anything!! I've seen more blood, poo, and bodily fluids, that weren't mine, in the last few months than most people do in a lifetime!! If it happens in a hospital or nursing home I've seen it!! Anyway, when the interview was done I asked about needing to take further tests. The director told me I didn't have to because I got all the first ones right. I was a bit surprised, but in a way not really. I told her I love to read and read voraciously.
That conversation with the director about reading also made me realize how much I needed to get on the ball with homeschooling. We've been working with our 5 year old and I think she's doing very well, but I want her to love reading as much as I do. I want her to have a strong foundation in school and reading. It made me realize that not everyone has an easy time reading, some people really struggle. I don't want her to struggle from the start. Strong reading and comprehension skills will serve you well, so we ordered school work for her. Our plan is to do Kindergarten this summer and start first grade as soon as she's done. We got workbook type curriculum since she loves workbooks. I'm sure she will fly through the work!!
The CNA class is 13 weeks long and 180 hours. Five hours two nights a week for 11 weeks, then two weeks of clinical work, for 35 hours each. In addition to working full time this will be quite a challenge, but I am excited and just hope it all works out.
I haven't been running as much lately. I want to, but when I work the weekend it's a wacko shift and it takes me a long time to recover. I worked last weekend, so I had the Wednesday before off, then I worked Thurs/Fri/Sat/Sun/Mon, then had Tuesday off. Working 5 days in a row is pretty normal, but the weekend shift starts 3 hours before my normal shift. It also gets out earlier, but then it's that much longer until bedtime. I end up being awake for 18+ hours. It's really hard. More than once I've been sorting dirty laundry and crying. One more reason I'm looking forward to the 12 hour shifts that the CNA's work. It's always the same 12 hour shift and working 3 days a week is pretty nice, too!! Leaves more time for running and college :)
I'm still working on losing weight and keeping my good habits going. I wish I had more time to catch up with everyone on Spark. I do appreciate you all and miss you! I think of you often and hope you are doing well! I try to check in on you when I can, so keep up the great work!
Get An Email Alert Each Time MACKIEFISMOM Posts