LYNZIJOY   29,354
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Thursday, April 18, 2013

I've spent the majority of my life unhappy. Not with my life, but with myself. You see, at a very young age I bought into mainstream society's ideas of beauty. I believed that at 5'4" inches the only way to have a sexy, desirable body was to weigh 110 pounds. I can remember struggling with anorexia at the age of 12 and basing my entire self worth on the number displayed on the scale and the size of my pants. At 17 I remember forcing myself to throw up a meal in a restaurant bathroom because I was terrified that what I just ate would make me fat.

I believed that the only way to be beautiful was to look like the models I saw on magazine covers.
I remember hoping and wishing that I would break my nose playing sports so that I could convince my parents to pay for a nose job. I remember spending countless hours in tanning beds, causing who knows how much permanent damage to make my fair skin tan.

Society tells me that my body must be tiny and delicate to be beautiful. Society tells me that the nose I was born with and have hated since I was still a child is ugly and I should undergo a potentially dangerous surgery to fix it. Society says that I, ME, my body, has no value if it doesn't match their ideals.

I've spent most of my adult life trying to lose weight. I've cried, rejoiced, screamed and hated myself or loved myself based on numerical data. Nevermind that my husband tells me every day that I'm beautiful, that he loves my body and thinks I am sexy. Instead of listening to the man I love most in the world, I've allowed in inanimate object to determine my self worth. Seems pretty silly now that I see it written down.

My husband asked me a very poignant question a few weeks ago. A simple enough question. When I told him I was trying yet another diet challenge, he asked me "Why?" My answer was, of course, to lose weight. And again he asked me, "Why?"

You know what? I couldn't come up with an answer. Not a single valid reason to why I've been torturing myself for more than a decade. I'm not overweight, I have no health issues that can be solved by losing weight, and quite honestly I'm f*cking exhausted. I'm sick and tired of obsessing over what I can and can't and should or shouldn't eat. I'm so over counting every morsel I put into my mouth and constantly obsessing over some dumb number on a scale which fluctuates every day anyway. And I'm really, really tired of my dresser over flowing with clothes I hope to fit into someday.

I AM DONE. I'm done trying to force my body to be a size that it clearly doesn't need to be. Life is too short to spend one more second obsessing over food. Food is fuel for my body.

I will eat what makes me feel good (and I don't mean emotionally good, I mean healthy-good).
I will focus on fitness for the activities I love and enjoy rather than fitness for weightloss.
I will wear make-up because I want to and it's fun, not because I feel the need to hide my face.

I won't waste any more of whatever precious time has been given to me in this life trying to conform to someone else's standard of beauty.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANASARI 4/18/2013 12:15PM


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LIV2RIDE 4/18/2013 9:10AM

    I could have written this exact post 2 months ago. I've been busting my @$$ 2 hours a day every day for a very long time, watching every morsel that goes in my mouth, meticulously counting every calorie in and calorie out for what? My goal was always to be an even 100 lbs and at 5'4" that's not really all that healthy. Why? Because when I was that size just a few short years ago I wasn't happy with that and tried to go even lower. I've been this way for as long as I can remember. It was just a way of life. I'm not nor have I ever been fat. So I'm not sure where it all came from other than trying to be liked and be perfect when I was younger.

I've even found that Spark helps feed that need. So I've stopped using any of the trackers. They do nothing but make me anxious that I'm not doing enough. I feed my body whole organic foods and eat until I'm full and that's it.

The funny thing is that once I quit killing myself with workouts I lost 5 lbs. I know that my metabolism is all jacked up and needs to be revived. I haven't done an actual workout since February 15. I do yoga every day and feed my soul with meditation and writing in my journal. I feel much healthier and happier now than ever. It is a constant struggle in my brain but thankfully Anorexic Annie isn't there all day long every day.

Feel free to PM me if you need to talk to someone. I understand completely what you are going through right now.

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LANNIEMANUEL 4/18/2013 6:23AM

    good for you

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Saturday, March 09, 2013

I've been weighing myself obsessively...not good. The other day, I had to personal best's for dead lifts and military press, and was so excited until the next morning when I weighed myself and realized that my weight had gone up two pounds.
-Yes, I know it's just normal weight fluctuation and related to water, sodium, least the rational side of my brain knows that. The other side, however, wanted to cry.

I'm so tired of being a slave to my scale, thus, I'm not weighing myself until the end of the month!! Not stepping on that cold, thoughtless, confidence destroying slab o' steel until April 1st. I feel lighter already!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LIV2RIDE 3/10/2013 11:03AM

    The scale is just a number. I've learned that it's more about how you feel than keeping track of the numbers. This comes from someone who weighed herself several times a day. It goes along with disordered eating as well. Toss the scale and go with how you feel.

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PRETTYPITHY 3/9/2013 11:40PM

    Good for you! If the scale is not a useful tool for you, then kick it to the curb! emoticon

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Where have I been?!?

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

In the hospital!! Sucked ass. But I'm feeling better and don't want to gripe about it...suffice it to say I was admitted to the hospital with swelling in my liver, gallbladder and spleen, swelling in my abdomen, severe pain, and heart rate in the 30s.

BUT!! Today I received the best news: I got cleared today for full contact in derby and no more restrictions with my shoulder. Oh, and no more physical therapy!! WOOHOO!! I still have a home program to do, but no more once-a-week-$30-per-visit physical therapy. I will be back on skates next week, can't flipping wait!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LIV2RIDE 6/20/2012 6:43AM

    emoticon I know you can't wait to get back out there. Have fun. Glad you are recovered and ready kick some @$$ on those skates.

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    Glad to hear that you are recovering!

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MS relapse

Saturday, June 02, 2012

I'm having my first acute MS flare up since my diagnosis a year ago. It blows, and I have to go in for three days of IV steroids to try to stop the inflammation that is taking my eye sight away slowly. To be honest, I am terrified. I don't know what kind of side effects to expect from the medication. I'm hoping for the best but bracing for the worst....and I freaking SWEAR TO GOD if these mother effing steroids make me regain the 20lbs I worked to hard to lose since January I will go apesh*t!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JACKIE_ 7/24/2012 9:43PM

    My boyfriend has MS. I hope you are feeling better. I used to be a derby girl too:)

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GRANDMABABA 6/4/2012 2:46PM

    I can no longer do iv steroids because of some very bad reactions that landed me in the hospital for a total of nearly three weeks. Prior to that ihad good socess with them for several years. Hope you have good success. Be extra careful to watch calories as you may be extra hungry.

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BARRISTER2011 6/3/2012 2:18AM

  Flare-ups are scary especially when you have to do the IV steroids. Everyone reacts differently to them.

If you find yourself getting angry it is most likely the steroids. I wish I had been worn of this my 1st time on IV steroids.

Keep the faith!

emoticon emoticon

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LIV2RIDE 6/2/2012 8:27PM

    I'm sorry! I have a friend that is dealing with this now. I hope they are able to help you and bring you some relief.

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SUSANBEAMON 6/2/2012 3:00PM

  MS is hard to live with. It has bothered my balance and makes my hands tingle constantly. There are good days and not so good days. It's like the brattiest kid you knew in school come to live with you full time, can't live with it, can't make it leave. I do hope they can arrest the dimming of your vision before it becomes too bad, but all i've heard is that your vision will improve with time. keep the take-no-prisoners attitude.

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NWLIFESRC 6/2/2012 6:42AM

    Good luck hoping for the best for you

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Need another reason to stay away from processed foods?

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Processed foods damage your immune system!! I came accross this as I was studying last night:
According to the American Association of Blood Banking (Technical manual, 17th edition), in industrialized countries, isoagglutinin (fancy word for antibodies, which are a key part of your immune system) titers have generally decreased with increasing consumption of processed foods!! So not only is that double bacon cheeseburger going to make you fat, itís also decreasing your immune system which makes you more likely to get sick, predisposes you to cancer and renders your body less capable of fighting off foreign invaders!!

Now put the cookie down and go eat a piece of fruit.


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