Thursday, April 18, 2013
I've spent the majority of my life unhappy. Not with my life, but with myself. You see, at a very young age I bought into mainstream society's ideas of beauty. I believed that at 5'4" inches the only way to have a sexy, desirable body was to weigh 110 pounds. I can remember struggling with anorexia at the age of 12 and basing my entire self worth on the number displayed on the scale and the size of my pants. At 17 I remember forcing myself to throw up a meal in a restaurant bathroom because I was terrified that what I just ate would make me fat.
I believed that the only way to be beautiful was to look like the models I saw on magazine covers.
I remember hoping and wishing that I would break my nose playing sports so that I could convince my parents to pay for a nose job. I remember spending countless hours in tanning beds, causing who knows how much permanent damage to make my fair skin tan.
Society tells me that my body must be tiny and delicate to be beautiful. Society tells me that the nose I was born with and have hated since I was still a child is ugly and I should undergo a potentially dangerous surgery to fix it. Society says that I, ME, my body, has no value if it doesn't match their ideals.
I've spent most of my adult life trying to lose weight. I've cried, rejoiced, screamed and hated myself or loved myself based on numerical data. Nevermind that my husband tells me every day that I'm beautiful, that he loves my body and thinks I am sexy. Instead of listening to the man I love most in the world, I've allowed in inanimate object to determine my self worth. Seems pretty silly now that I see it written down.
My husband asked me a very poignant question a few weeks ago. A simple enough question. When I told him I was trying yet another diet challenge, he asked me "Why?" My answer was, of course, to lose weight. And again he asked me, "Why?"
You know what? I couldn't come up with an answer. Not a single valid reason to why I've been torturing myself for more than a decade. I'm not overweight, I have no health issues that can be solved by losing weight, and quite honestly I'm f*cking exhausted. I'm sick and tired of obsessing over what I can and can't and should or shouldn't eat. I'm so over counting every morsel I put into my mouth and constantly obsessing over some dumb number on a scale which fluctuates every day anyway. And I'm really, really tired of my dresser over flowing with clothes I hope to fit into someday.
I AM DONE. I'm done trying to force my body to be a size that it clearly doesn't need to be. Life is too short to spend one more second obsessing over food. Food is fuel for my body.
I will eat what makes me feel good (and I don't mean emotionally good, I mean healthy-good).
I will focus on fitness for the activities I love and enjoy rather than fitness for weightloss.
I will wear make-up because I want to and it's fun, not because I feel the need to hide my face.
I won't waste any more of whatever precious time has been given to me in this life trying to conform to someone else's standard of beauty.
Saturday, March 09, 2013
I've been weighing myself obsessively...not good. The other day, I had to personal best's for dead lifts and military press, and was so excited until the next morning when I weighed myself and realized that my weight had gone up two pounds.
-Yes, I know it's just normal weight fluctuation and related to water, sodium, etc...at least the rational side of my brain knows that. The other side, however, wanted to cry.
I'm so tired of being a slave to my scale, thus, I'm not weighing myself until the end of the month!! Not stepping on that cold, thoughtless, confidence destroying slab o' steel until April 1st. I feel lighter already!
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
In the hospital!! Sucked ass. But I'm feeling better and don't want to gripe about it...suffice it to say I was admitted to the hospital with swelling in my liver, gallbladder and spleen, swelling in my abdomen, severe pain, and heart rate in the 30s.
BUT!! Today I received the best news: I got cleared today for full contact in derby and no more restrictions with my shoulder. Oh, and no more physical therapy!! WOOHOO!! I still have a home program to do, but no more once-a-week-$30-per-visit physical therapy. I will be back on skates next week, can't flipping wait!!
Saturday, June 02, 2012
I'm having my first acute MS flare up since my diagnosis a year ago. It blows, and I have to go in for three days of IV steroids to try to stop the inflammation that is taking my eye sight away slowly. To be honest, I am terrified. I don't know what kind of side effects to expect from the medication. I'm hoping for the best but bracing for the worst....and I freaking SWEAR TO GOD if these mother effing steroids make me regain the 20lbs I worked to hard to lose since January I will go apesh*t!!!
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Processed foods damage your immune system!! I came accross this as I was studying last night:
According to the American Association of Blood Banking (Technical manual, 17th edition), in industrialized countries, isoagglutinin (fancy word for antibodies, which are a key part of your immune system) titers have generally decreased with increasing consumption of processed foods!! So not only is that double bacon cheeseburger going to make you fat, itís also decreasing your immune system which makes you more likely to get sick, predisposes you to cancer and renders your body less capable of fighting off foreign invaders!!
Now put the cookie down and go eat a piece of fruit.
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