Sunday, December 16, 2012
no more waiting around to feel better.
no more wishing things were different.
no more putting off that which I know I need to do.
No more feeling sorry for myself.
no more time to be given to sorrow.
I will move.
I will pray.
I will move (oh I said that already)
I will CHOSE to love everyone around me.
I will chose to help heal those I can.
I will continue to with this.
I will be coming into the holiday week with great enthusiasm
I will enjoy an evening at home with my living room and studio cleaned and organized and my Christmas tree up so I can delight in the LIGHT of the season.
No more am I going to give into this sadness.
Friday, December 14, 2012
I have tried for hours to wrap my mind and heart around what has happened to so many small people and adults today.
I have no words of safety or comfort. I can not find them for myself right now.
Prays straight through to the enormous number of people who are heartbroken, torn apart and doubting tonight.
God heal our people ... comfort them and let them know and feel our prayers tonight and through the next months to come.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Today was lunch with Dad and his wife and my best friend (who my family has adopted). It was sort of a make up for my dad canceling Thanksgiving on us. It bummed my "brother" more than it did me. Thanksgiving became a time of revelations about my family for me this year. So my father and his wife, mostly his wife, got busted big time about hiding and not conveying the truth about those things that are communicated between or about each of us kids. Well, I am over that, she is suitably remorseful and I doubt she will be repeating or continuing this behavior now that we "kids" are talking to each other again.
ANYWAY.... lunch was great, we talked and laughed and told stories, new ones I hadn't heard before... I have normally heard all the stories before. I realized how much I have missed spending time with both my folks and my "brother". I do talk to them often on the phone but my sleep schedule is all messed up since I was sick last month I haven't been able to get back to sleep through the night and often sleep most of the hours in the day, I often stay up all night and go to the early morning workouts and then come home and go to sleep. Which is not good. I want to switch my schedule around, which I know how to do, but it requires me to be completely healthy to so, as if I am sick, I find myself more tired and end up falling asleep on the couch in the evening and then I am up for most of the night again.
Sleep continues to be one of my biggest issues. I have done the sleep challenge twice and yes I works, and I go through all the routines and still when I lay downin my bed, my body pretending itself to be tired and ready for bed, suddenly becomes more awake... I know I shake my head every time this happens. But I am going to continue to try and by Christmas I am going to be on a regular sleep and exercise schedule again.
Tracking on this off kilter schedule is a challenge but I seem to be able to keep up with my food and within my calorie range, and I keep up with my exercise minutes. But after that, there doesn't seem to be much energy left so I will fall asleep... I don't dare sit on the couch and relax as I will go to sleep... so I am a bundle of energy through my awake time and I know that I will work my way around the clock face to actually make it back to my WANTED bed time of midnight or 1 am...
I am getting excited about the holidays and time spent with friends and family and I fight my procrastination to get everything accomplished in my awake hours so that I can get it cleared out soon and get the tree up... oh that sounds so excited.
I hope that you all are having a great time in your holiday and your prepartations and I hope you all stay focused on your goals and find time for all the fun stuff that comes with this time of year.
The beginning of a new year and fresh starts (which don't really erase the past year) but it is a time for many to set them straights on a better or improved plan.
SO to honor my family getting straightened out and relationships repaired and no more coverups or dishonesty to allow us to be torn apart again, I pledge to get myself straightened out (sleep) and get my house cleaned so that family can come here without me being ashamed... LOL ... they all love me all the same.
Happy planning everyone.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
As I discussed in a recent blog (what difference a month makes) I committed to 3 of my friends to work out with them for the next 4 Wednesdays, well today was week one... everyone showed up and everyone was dressed to impress (gotta love southern woman- no offense meant, they looked great in their work out gear and their air all up and a full face of makeup). Step one, lesson on skin care... make up off while they work up a sweat so they don't end up with a major out break of acne following the sweating.
We headed to the weight room for some serious strength training (yep, I have been needing my own kick to get started with that in full ernest again)... I kept reminding them to use lower weights and shorter reps so they would be able to move tomorrow. Gung ho some of them went. Breaking a sweat in no time flat. We did a good solid circuit training for 45 minutes as we rotate from weight machines to weight machines. Oh, there was a warm up, mostly getting them to walk around the track inside the gym. But they were ready to go, I was so impressed. THEN they all joined me in the water, they played a bit and swam a bit as I swam laps. It was rather entertaining to see their delight at being in a pool in December. I think they will make this part of their routine. I showed them some water weight exercises, but mostly encouraged them to just walk the laps of the pool together. I was determined to get my some serious lap swimming in... they kept throwing the weights at me as I swam by... LOL... again, gotta love southern woman and love for play! I was impressed they even had appropriate swim suits so anything after that was a success.
We then returned ... wet suits and all to the walking track, we walked until they weren't out of breath anymore. It was a great workout (and they had FUN)... they pledged to each other to meet again on Friday afternoon, I told them if time permitted on Saturday I would come back out and workout with them again, but definitely next Wednesday. I warned them all that they needed to go home and take hot showers and perhaps an over the counter anti- inflammatory so they would be able to move through the evening. We departed, all us were laughing and I having a great time and I do believe, if they aren't in such pain tomorrow, they will come back on Friday. I did warn them about the muscle aches and how the best thing to get over that is to give your body a day of rest from the strength training and then get back in there (with no makeup) and get back through the circuit training again, if one will go the other two will follow in suite. I would join them everyday but the gym I attend is about a mile away, and they are 45 minutes away. But they have each other to keep them going.
So, it was an interesting day of confidences and giggles of embarrassment as we worked out way through the weighs... but I do believe they are committed to return, as all three said their husbands were so proud of them for coming today. Nothing like having your spouse send off to the gym with great blessings... no to get the husbands into the gym... that will be my next goal.
A successful day.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Here's to hoping that my computer doesn't freeze while I am writing this (I have written a blog everyday this week and end up losing it to a computer freeze).
FIRST OFF... Thank you to everyone who has posted comments on the Blog about my 6th month spark anniversary....
I am thrilled that some of you found inspiration and grateful to all that took the time to read it.
My 6 months on Sparks has been a great way for me to CONTINUE on my weight loss. It has helped me uncover some truths about myself, to come to terms with the restrictions I fight against everyday- medical conditions I have dealt with (or thought I had dealt with) since very early on.
Starting at 9 years of age, I began swimming competitively ... I loved it, I learned to butterfly from a very talented swimmer whom I will remember for the rest of my life. It became the stroke of choice for me. I was, for most years, highly ranked nationally. I was always overweight, obese.... no matter the amount of time I spent working out in the water or on land I would not loose weight. My coach, my doctor, and my parents were all at a loss for the cause. When I was 15 I looked like this...
My life was wonderful, I swam through my senior year in college. I was married to a dream man at age 18 (who was also a swimmer and 4 years my senior). Shortly after we got married and decided to start a family (as his career was taking off) we found I couldn't have children. Back then a diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian syndrome didn't exist. But that wasn't the only reason I couldn't have children. I was a survivor (YES SURVIVOR) of child abuse and there was simply too much scar tissue for my body to accept a pregnancy.
I finished my nursing degree and started working in my career and the moved to Pediatrics... I loved working with the babies and little people.
I was, in the mean time, diagnosed with a severe depressive disorder and a very bizzare diagnosis of Adrenal hyperplasia, not having been born with this disease, and not having a tumor on my adrenal glands, the doctors determined that I had essentially burned out my adrenal glands... Fight or Flight... I fought!!! But the consequences of this disease was that my hormones were not well controlled. At the least sign of stress my adrenal glands would spew cortisol into my blood system...
When I was 26 my husband died. My depression was exacerbated and I literally lost everything but a dog and a my own personal processions. While I was trying to get a grip on life, My husband and my father worked together to liquidate the property, house we had built, and the 20 horses my husband used in equine physical therapy. I found myself without much debt left and in a small house with one of my dogs and everything set up by my family.
I slowly gained weight, every year it would not even creep, it would JUMP on me. i consumed horrible foods and tried to comfort myself with food and solitude when I wasn't at work. My profession was taking off and yet I still was gaining weight. I kept a journal of everything I ate... and began making changes and eating healthier. I was put on a slew of medication to regulate and control my depression and growing anxiety attacks.
I reached the 400+ pound mark when I was in my late 30's. I was able to maintain the pace at work, and often worked over 80 hours a week.
When I was 44 I looked like this (the man with me is a dear friend).
I was in a fight for my life at that point with a cancer diagnosis of uterine sarcoma, a rare and nasty cancer that was like a 'shift changer' ... it could and would show up in different places and continued for 6 years. In that picture above I was getting chemo and had had a hysterectomy 2 years before. I had actually lost 60 pounds from my highest weight. ( I know there are pictures of my at my highest weight but I can't seem to find any of them).
So at 360... I was hidden in all that protective fat and miserable.
As the cancer progressed and grew and changed I went through 8 surgeries in less than 6 years, multiple rounds of chemo and radiation. Yes I was still over weight.
At my lowest I was 220 pounds, but there were no pictures of me at that point as I was far to sick and would not allow anyone to photograph me. I had no hair and I was a lighter shade of grey.
With a year clearance of cancer I began moving as much as my battered body could manage and I slowly gained back 60 pounds...
here is me at 350 pounds....
A year later I was down to 325
And me at 300 pounds
When I joined sparks I was at 287 and I have been working my butt off to get this weight back off ...
My profile picture is what I look like now....
I want to lose this weight, I want more than anything to remove all possibilities of complications from the Adrenal hyperplasia and the depression as I grow older.
Life is interesting and exciting and I will take my ability to move everyday with greater freedom over just about anything in the world.
I may be one of the slowest losers ... but I am losing and I am moving and I will never give up. I am a survivor!!!
I am back in the pool and I am swimming close to a mile when I have the time.
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