Wednesday, August 15, 2012
I feel like I have said everything that I need to say before... I WANT, I NEED, I TRY, I AM....
Well, I am doing, trying again, to lose it.
My life has been a whirlwind this year, lots of travel... big stuff... work pressure, remodeling of our flooded home... ugh!
BUT, now I am in a time crunch to lose. I need to lose 12 lbs by 10/12/12 or my insurance goes up...alot... so the carrot is in from of this horse.
There are a lot of carrots... bosses daughters wedding, the big 4-0... my life!
So, here I am... there will be a time that I will succeed. this could be it. I pray this is it!
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
ok... so far so good... what an absolutely gorgeous couple of days here in NEPA. It is very unseasonable warm and we LOVE it!
Our city has a "Bike Share" program that allows you to borrow a bike from sunrise to sunset... for FREE!!! So me and my bff and son decided to take advantage of it tonight.
Also, our city is along a river so we got to enjoy the views of the park and river during our rider. Because we went a little bit late, we only got to ride for about 40-45 mins (3.3 miles) but we really enjoyed it.
For me, much easier than attempting to pound the pavement with jogging.
I hope this is the first of many days of exercising with my friend.
It doesn't hurt that we just booked a Mexican vacation for July so... I really need to lose a bit of weight before we go. I would LIKE to.
Small steps add up to great distances
Sunday, March 18, 2012
I am feeling an emotional high after a pretty miserable night out.
I'll start with the misery. I dont know what I am doing to myself but I have been finding myself binging. it is completely destructive and I am now even heavier than before.
I dont know where these feeling are coming from... Stress? Depression? Giving up? I hate myself for it.
Getting dressed for a girls night out on Saturday tore me apart. Maybe I should day I tore my closet and drawers apart. What a mess! I ended up completely in all black with some green beads for St Pattys.
Before you wanna slit your wrists from reading this misery, M and I went for our first (of many) 3.5 miles walks today. I also won an auction for a BodyBugg and spent Saturday afternoon bent over with a drill in hand taking out screws and flooring at our cottage.
You have to crawl before you walk.
Tuesday is our next walking date and I cant wait!
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Well, yesterday I went to the nutrionist.
Correction, yesterday I went to the weight loss physician who I thought was going to be the nutrionist.
Although I was pleased with the visit, I am not completely satisfied. My appointment had been set for 2 months, so the anticipation of getting a diet solution was formost in my mind. The appointment was not a complete bust but I walk away with an appointment in another 4 weeks to see the nutrionist and no diet plan in hand.
What about now?! I feel like I am struggling to hang on and the doc wants me to lose 35 lbs by summer's end.
Our discussion entailed a directive of me getting back on track. Relearning the lessons of weightloss surgery. Vitamins, Protein first, healthy starches only in limited quantity, more veggies, smaller portions. Is it rude of me to say, "No Duh!" ? (yeah-it probably is) I know these things. I wanted a diet plan printed out just for me. LOL All kidding aside, very much liked the doctor. I do feel like this is goign to be a big help. Again, this is probably me whining about me having to do the work.
I also had bloowdwork drawn and an order for an upper GI. I have had this performed 6 years ago and my pouch was still small and intact. The new doc wants to check for size and if portions have grown back together again. It's hard to believe that I had this procedure done in 2003... holy moly!
Anyway, I am not in perfect diet mode, still lots of work to be done but considerable effort is being done to change my eating habits and meals types. I have been mindful of what is going in my mouth, more meal tracking, some more water.
I cried to a (skinny) coworker today about my stuggles (no, I mean a literally started to cry). This usually happens in the doc office but no tears yesterday. Wish I did do it there instead of at work.
Let me say... I never give up on myself. I belive we all have the right moment to change. I need to push through the fact that I cannot wish this weight away. I cannot dream it away. And I cant ignore it away. I have to take responsibility for myself and my actions.
I want to live a long healthy life and I am the only one who can make it happen.
I hope that someone is out there listening and has words of inspiration/encouragment for me along the way.
ps. I am even vowing to give up my morning & evening cup of tea which involves 3 splendas and 3 tbs of half and half. Bye Bye caffine and calories. This is tough :-)
Monday, March 12, 2012
I have been reading as much inspirational/motivational blogs, articles and quotes over the past few days as often as possible. I feel like something is clicking in my head.
It started when someone who has lost a significant amount of weight, through her own hard work, stated something to the effect of "stop embarrassing yourself by declaring goals that you won't commit to changing for."
This was not directed to me, but it might as well have been.
Fact is that in order to change, I need to committ to making changes, no matter what the circumstances may be. No matter how unfair they seem, I must own that I must change.
I've also been watching alot of informercials... the promises of weight loss are lovely but that isn't why I am watching them. They really do inspire me. I love seeing people who have gotten results. To me, the P90X program seem like the most authentic way to get results. I have the DVDs on my night stand (hubby ordered this years ago) but I cant get through one..
What hit me this week was the updated P90X infomercial with new stories. A man who weighed over 350 lbs started the program and lost 180 lbs (after a few rounds of the program). But what he said, hit me like a ton of bricks... something like this...
"I would come home form work at night, tired. I would sit down on the couch because that was my time to relax. I would overeat because that was my reward for surviving my long stressful day."
Why this got to me now, I don't know. But it spoke to me. I feel that way too.. this is my way of decompressing and rewarding myself, making myself feel good. With something delicious.
But I DO KNOW that food shouldn't be a reward. It should be FUEL.
I often complain that I am so tired of THINKING about food and my weight CONSTANTLY!!!! I am BITTER because I feel like life should not be this damn hard! I am angry because I have the type of body and metabolism that I have to micromanage myself and my eating to not gain weight.
IT IS SO UNFAIR!!!!
But then, I have been thinking... is it WORTH feeling old, overweight, sad, embarrassed, in pain, unable to walk down a set of stairs in sexy high heels, unattractive in lingerie, afraid of judgement, less attractive than other women my age... IS ANOTHER BITE OF FOOD WORTH ME FEELING NOT LIKE ME EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE ??!!??
Over and over, I am seeking out this message and honestly, it is starting to sink in.
The truth is that NOTHING TASTES AS GOOD AS THIN (HEALTHY) FEELS is absolutely true.
Only I can free myself from this physical prison.
This is going to be so tough because I am smart, I know every trick in the book to fail without beating up on myself. I have a healthy ego which allows me to carry on in life and still be outgoing and lively.
I want people to respect me & find me attractive. I want to feel like I can do anything. I dont want to have to fake it, I want to feel it and OWN it!
It is so difficult for me to see the small goals without getting lost in the big goals- it seems so far to go. But I just read a blog about a woman who lost 100 lbs in one year. It CAN be done. I CAN do it, if I have the strength to persevere.
BECAUSE I have the strength...
This is day two... no weight loss yet but... its day two
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