Friday, November 05, 2010
Today I went to it's fashion... With DF, and my 2 friends... Lisa and Devin.... I don't shop with Devin much, but when we was at it's fashion... She had to try on some clothes.. She didn't want to just shop like me and Lisa does.. We shop for goal items.. Something we wish to wear one day, and work to get into.. So, Devin went into the dressing room 4 times with the same pair of jeans on.. Now, Devin has went from a size 6 to a size 9/10 over night, and you could clearly see the fat hanging off hips and love handles.. Lisa and I was not trying to look at her fat love handles, or the fat hanging out the top of her pants. And that beer gut. Plus the crack... YES! The full crack we saw when she bent over to try on a pair of shoes.. Devin said.. What is wrong with me.. Why are my clothes not fitting right..
1st... weight gain lie.. The dryer heat must have been set on high.
2nd...weight gain lie.. I did have a heavy breakfast and lunch..
3rd... weight gain lie.. Oh, it must be salt.
4th... weight gain lie.. I really didn't gain any weight.. It must be the cut of the jeans..
Lisa and I said.. OKAY! You don't have to explain anything to us.. At all..
We understand... We know the excuses...
Why did we say that? Devin with off on us..
You high and mighty weight losing, diet bitches... You all don't know me..
Lisa is.. GETTO! And she went off.. She said.. First of all.. I didn't say a damn thing about your pants not fitting.. We just looked at you.. You just wanted to point those things out to us.. So we listen to you, and one more thing.. I must say to you.. I've lost and I've gain and I lost it again. I'm not here trying to see what size lynn is going to get in the first place.. That's why you are here meeting with us... TO see what size Lynn is.. That's all.
I'm heavier than Devin and lisa.. True enough. I have more hips and a little gut to shape and these hips are my man catchers.. So why are you even here.. Before I knew it.. We went into a dressing room war match..
Lisa trys on a size 3 didn't work..
Lisa trys on a size 4 didin't fit..
Lisa trys on a size 6.. BINGO! We have a winner..
Now it was my turn, because my fiance wanted to see if I could wear those slacks I picked up.. Well, I grabbed a jr.. 14 off the rack, and I put them off.. I little tight in the hips and the ass, but the fit me.. They felt great, and I was so happy to be in them.. The man said to me.. Why should I buy you these slacks if I can't see how they fit you in the store.. We might need to get another size..
DEVIN saw what she wanted to see, and busted out of the dressing room area madder than hell.. As if we told her.. You are now a part of the fat club.. HER feelings were hurt, and we did try to reach out 2 hours later, but what I don't understand is this... Why was she mad at us? what did we do?
Friday, November 05, 2010
Oh, I am dealing with my stuff now.. My auntie told me today.. Girl, you are dealing with your stuff. I see you clearing it out and letting it go. This is good.
This is so good to see... Progress looks good on you..
Now, I know about weight loss progress..
Growth Progress.. Need some help with that..
But I never knew what it look like without the shape ups..
You know.. When everything is busted.. You carry yourself with and under cover class factor.
Class factor.... You got it all together, and no one knows it. You beat that face to perfection.. You're in your best clothes. Your Sunday best. No one can read your mood, because you're always smiling, you're always giving the best of you.. Your 100% to those who needs you to be 100... But in that undercover make up.. You are not 100, and you are never 100 to yourself.. Just those who needs to see you as 100.. The family sees the real you, because in many ways.. They helped create you. Shape you into this person you really don't want to see, but you enjoy putting on your, Sunday Best and beating that face to perfection, and showing your friends and peers what's up... Who you are, but the truth is...REALLY you are NOT.
This sunday best walking all upright, sexy and well put together. Your a busted mess the moment the clothes comes off, make up is removed, and rags of comfort thrown own.. You become the same ole girl again.. Dealing with those issues or more... Masking them, trapping them,and locking them up.. Waiting on the next day to play dress up and make believe..
Dealing with my stuff has really helped me. RELEASE those issues the demon wanted me to keep within.. I eat when I am HUNGRY... I don't eat out of fear or emotion.. DAMN! Did I just say that??? WOW! That feels freaking good.. WOW!
I mean really.. Dealing with this stuff is going to have me 30 pounds lighter before I know it.. MAN! What a feeling? I should have did this years ago.. But I wasn't ready... Let me break down what is ready...
When you had enough, and had it up to here with the BULL SHish you release it.. You let it go.. FULLY once and for all. You start to work on that foundation you stand on, and you start to chip away at it.. Breaking away old damage pieces, and then- you start building a new platform to stand on..
A voice of many reasons...
A answer to things you didn't want answers to..
A reason to cut things loose, because you find yourself.. Sleeping well at night with out the night light, blanket, teddy bear, or better yet.. The mid night kitchen dip to a hidden slice of cheese cake... LOL!
You find yourself setting goals..
Worries are less.. They are getting better.
You can touch your toes..
Work out a little longer...
Leave the house without the make up.
Worries less about others personal relationship problems, because you have many of your owns..
I'm dealing with my stuff now, and I'm dropping pounds...
I'm dealing with my stuff now, and not counting a calorie.. I think I need to count.. I don't think I ate enough today..
I'm dealing with my stuff so good now that.. I feel freaking GREAT!
I can shout to the MOON.. You hear me.. SHOUT out LOUD how good I feel..
WOW! This is growth and it feels good.
My 79 year old aunt tells me today..
A spoon full of sugar does not help the medicine go down..
A spoon full of promises of wellness is what makes the medicine worth while to take.. SO feed your body the right meds.. And slowly get well..
I am doing just that.. And I'm doing just fine..
My aunt also told me..
If you find weight loss in a bottle.. Phone me okay... FLO your cousin can use a little help, because she's looking for it in a damn bottle.. So bottle some of the stuff you taking and tell her it works.. Believe it or not.. My aunt gave her daughter some sugar pills, and can you believe. She lost 2 pounds within a week.. You see, your mind needs to depend on something to work at times, and believe its working.. I believe this healing process is helping... BECAUSE... I'm losing weight... I'm feeling great, and I am guilt free when I eat a bit of food..
I had candy today.. How great is that?
Good nite, and thanks for reading my blog..
Thursday, November 04, 2010
Hi ladies... I came across a great link for you all to use.. This link will be the key focus of our week 4 challenge.. Getting the post up and out early so you can pick and choose the ones you are going to use this week.. Like I said before.. We are working on toning during this challenge, and cardio is your thing.. I found a great link that shows us how to do the moves, and its a great way to use your home and your toning bands to get in a good workout..
You sets and reps range as high as you like..
I'm keeping my reps with each move.. 2 sets of 10-15
Give this link a look over... This will be your challenge for week 4.
Edit: For corrections. This link will not take you where I need for you to go..
So please.. Look to left side, and you will see a list of exercises..Please go down to
ELASTIC BAND EXERCISES..... Everything you need to see will pop up there.. I 'm so sorry for this... Ladies, for give me....
Now on to week 5 and I really dig deep with your week 5 workout.. We are toning and doing cardio with week 5...
Here's what you will be doing......
Do as many push-ups as you can in 30 seconds, then rest for 30 seconds.
Do as many squats as you can in 30 seconds, then rest for 30 seconds.
Do as many sit-ups as you can in 30 seconds, then rest for 30 seconds.
Do as many lunges as you can in 30 seconds, then rest for 30 seconds.
Do as many chair dips as you can in 30 seconds, then rest for 30 seconds.
Do as many jumping jacks as you can in 30 seconds, then rest for 30 seconds.
Do as many hydrants as you can in 30 seconds, then rest for 3o seconds.
Do as many side bends as you can in 30 seconds, then rest for 30 seconds.
Do as many toe touches as you can in 30 seconds, then rest for 30 seconds.
Run in place for 30 seconds, then rest for 30 seconds.
Cool down with deep inhales and exhales.. stretch your body..
Stand with your legs shoulders lenght apart.. Reach your hands over your head, and then started pulling up on an air (rope) reaching to the top.. Drop your hands down... Bend all the way down and shake it out.. Just shake your arms and your hands. Relax and roll back up.. Take in a deep breath a cleansing breath, and release all the stress and drama.. Do this 6 times.. And this is the end of your workout...
Wall Push ups~
Ladies, these are our challenges for the up and coming weeks..
So~ Enjoy and do you.. Work this program to your fitness level, and I hope you all like what I uploaded for you all to do..
Have a nice week, and don't forget..
Week 5 will be the week we upload our progress photos..
Have fun, and sweat it out....
Thursday, November 04, 2010
Healing.... Is a very challenging thing for a person who is over weight, and trying to lose the weight and heal- all at the same time. Emotionally, I felt, I could not do it. I was so sick... I was pushing myself into a mental break down because of it.
My weight called the shots for a long time.
My size ran my life.
My size had me settle for less and not the best.
My weight ran the show.
My weight had a lot to do with my personal-GROWTH and ISSUES.
My weight had that much power.. Because I gave it the power.
I'm going through some healing right now, so reader's..... Bare with me..
Every Fiber in my body was screaming... I'm here... Use me.. Work me..
The only muscles I would work during that time was my cheek muscles.
To eat, smile, laugh, and frown..
Everyone having pitty on me.. And I hated pitty.. Hearing people talk about me behind my back.. OMG! It hurt so bad. "What she doing here in the gym?"
"What do she think she's doing?" She should have join the gym before she lost control..... I heard that from 2 girls talking way back then... WAY BACK! I walk into a all women's gym, and to hear that.. MAN did it stick with me.. It stuck in my head.. Front, back, middle, all over... I can still hear them... Because I can reach back and replay it.. And I use to reach back, pull hateful things people had said and feed that drive to eat... Using it to fuel that sickness to eat... Yeah! I was sick back then.. Deeply depressed... And I was the one in the front seat pushing the gas and feeding the issue with my drug of choice.. FOOD... Any kind of food..
It was every where, and when it wasn't any at home.. I knew where to go and find it. It was never... Chips, Cookies, Soda, Cake, pies, fast food or home cooking.. It was food period.. And today... I really started to journey with myself....what really sat this eating habit into motion??? Well, at the age of 15.. I felt I was a failure... A teen-child-baby- having a baby.. That's when it started.. I didn't vaule myself any more.. My dreams were gone.. I got this baby to take care of.. I got to grow up fast.. My dreams of traveling was gone.. My youth had ended.. You hear me. My youth was GONE.... I'm a mother now... now i'm a wife.. now i'm divorced.. now I'm with 3 and doing it alone.. Not anymore....but those things trapped me mentally.
How can I pull myself out of this? How do I get pass this? How do I take care of 3 babies? HOW????
It took me up until now to see me... To vaule me.. To take me as I am..
I'm a star...I love hard...I take care of home. I brought them into this, and they need me here..I took my life back...I pushed all those fears out.. I didn't push them back.. I pushed them out.. And I'm healing... Mentally....
I cut my hair..
I cut my losses..
I speak my mind..
I hold nothing back..
I fight to be me.
I fight to be the best mother I can be..
I fight... Not because I have to... Because I want too...
You see.. A long time ago.. The devil would tap into my thoughts..
Oh, You can't do that..
Are you for real?
Get real here, you will never get these thoughts out of your head..
There planted deep...
Oh, thats just pure luck...Everything is balance today, but watch what happens to you tomorrow...
MENTAL 18yrs of ISSUES!
I could not carry this load...this weight...and these kids..
Not with this health, and all these issues...
I could not do it anymore..you hear me.. I just could not do that to myself..
For what!!! What reason do I have now to carry this weight?
What is it protecting me from? No, the question is.. What is it keeping me from?
My weight-gaining kept me from the truth..
The truth was..
I'm a teen mother.. My life is gone now.. What am I suppose to do?
What I did was.. Stuffed the truth down... Sucking it up.. Scooping up my new born child, and pushing onward..Feeding myself when she cried.. Feeding myself when the world wasn't right. Beating myself in the head, because I was worthless. I felt useless.. And I felt I was in a GAME... Losing at every hand.
So, today as I was cleaning up.. I came across a letter my 15 year old had wrote..
She said... A year ago.. At 14.. I want to be saved...Mommy, I don't want to live trapped.. I don't want to be sad all the time.. Mom, how do I get saved?
I cried like a baby...
Because this child was my first born, and my pain was rubbing off on her.
She was really watching her weight..
My struggles with weight rubbed off on her..
My broken heart had rubbed off on her.
My broken pieces became her broken pieces..
How do we fix this? How do we save each other she writes..
Mom, how do I save you?
It took... Her, my first born to point out. Mom was broken...MENTALLY!
And I never knew it.. When I would have break downs, she would take care of me.
She was my baby.. I'm suppose to take care of her. YES!
So that's what started my journey to me...
Healing myself mentally..
Because.. My children needs me...
When your oldest calls you a star.. It shines outward..
When your middle child says. MOM your AWESOME.. Because I was training him today.. I had to step away and cry..
When your baby girl says.. Mo, you are the greatest...I reflected back to the hell I went through trying to bring her into the world..
I'm healing...I'm mentally healing...I'm growing...I'm seeing my vaule...
My success...My growing seeds.. 1/2/&3
Courtney, Anthony-James & Yasmine..
I no longer see failure..
I'm seeing me... And the reason why I push so hard to be me..Is because of those 3.
Find your reason.. Find out where it all started for you.. And fix it.. MEATALLY..
HEALING will come.. Once you own the issue that started it all...
FAILURE is WHAT sparked My Weight gain... FAILURE!
Healing myself mentally is going to fix it.
Clear your thoughts and cast out the bad...
But keep the good..
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
For the longest... I always thought I had control over my eating habits.. I knew I had it all together, and I knew I didn't have an eating problem..
Lie #1.. I did have an eating problem. I didn't know when to stop..
Lie #2.. I can stop anytime I want to... No I couldn't.
Lie #3.. I can lose the weight any time I wanted to.. No I couldn't. Not any time, because I've tried so many times before..
Every year was a diet.. A plan of action, and A contract to sign.. Oprah W. started that.. Remember.. You can go to her web site a few years ago and down load the contract and sign it.. Well, I did that too.. Down loaded sign it. 6 weeks later hit rock bottom..
The best life diet... BOB GREENE, and I remember looking for the foods that had Bobs logo on it.. If Bob okay it. It was good to have right.. I could not see myself eating 1/2 cup of cereal with 1/4 cup of milk.. Could you?? But I remember it, and all the fuss and falling down on my luck.. In 6 weeks back then I had lost 3 freaking pounds.. 3 and I found myself losing control... Because it was just too hard for me.. I knew it had to be a better way.. It had to be something for me out there..
Well, I came across this link in 2007... Fat loss 4 idiots...
BINGO! I didn't pay the extra cash, but I did use the tools and lost 42 pounds.. I did that.. I lost the weight using the fat loss 4 idiots, but before I knew it.. I found myself falling off the wagon again.. The weight popping back up on me.. I dropped it fast and it came back fast.. First week I had lost 13 pounds.. I can remember that week, because I could not believe it myself, and I was hooked.. Lost another 5 pounds the next week, and was on a roll.. By the time I hit 30 years old.. I had lost my age in weight in 2007.. My age in weight.. 30 pounds.. I did that.. And then.. BAM! The weight just stop once I had drop over 86 pounds.. It stopped.. I had join sparks because a friend from another weight loss site suggested it, and she was right.. But I was losing control of the issue.. The issue was health.. Not weight loss, but health, and I wanted to get healthy for my family.. My relationship had fallen apart and I lost control... I lost the program. I lost the mo jo.. I lost a lot. Weight, friends, income, savings, support, and most of all.. My freaking mind.. Because of this weight.. I was not controlling the weight.
The weight was controlling me... Driving me into a brick wall head on.. After all that work to find myself at it again was the lowest moment in my life.. Because I've been doing this for years, and I made a promise to myself in 08... I would not come back to this.. I would not be the fat girl looking at everyone... having a good time and me just sitting there watching them shop and try on clothes.. Spending money on size 8 and not going to the big girl section of the store.. I hated shopping with my friends.. None of them shopped at the back of the store, with little on the racks.. They had 500 options and 500 things they could choose from, and I just had what.. 60 maybe 80 items in a store that dressed more hip with more pop... I could not find anything, because the other big girls came in and picked everything off the racks.. At a discount.. Because I notice.. If big girls clothes don't sell fast it gets marked down... Clear it out of here.. Order less next time.. YUP! I got so sick of that..
After hitting rock bottom again in 2009.. I got deep feelings of depressions.. I was so done with this. I wanted to just toss in the towel and give up on myself. Then the Caramel Candy Cuties.. DONE GIRLS... Came into my life.. Everything started to look good and I saw the color green in my mist.. GREEN for Go. No looking back. No stopping.. Taking charge, and this time.. Not giving in or up.. I lost 32 pounds with those girls, and I thank you all.. But I did have some help..
A friend shared this link with me from another weight loss site, and I used it.. I lost weight, and I felt great...
You know.. Now that I think about it... I've always been in control.. ALWAYS... My body would tell me something different.. But I've always been in control. Because I would not give up.. That's why I've always been in control. I would not let it go.. It was my mission.. To lose weight, and keep it off.. I don't worry about food anymore.. I use to be.. OMG! I didn't just eat that.. Then not eat nothing else, because I knew damn well I had too many calories.. That was me, and food was controlling me once again.. But in a different way.. Making me feel guilty for having it- you know and too much of it..
So today.. I'm saying.. I am in control.. I'm controlling the issue, and the issue isn't controlling me... I eat when I'm hungry.. I enjoy what I have.. I push it away once I'm full.... I do me.. The best way I can... I can't let food get me down again.. Grab me and suck me in.. Talking me into having mad calories loads of food, and get me all depressed because I did that.. So what.. I had the cake.. SUE the hell out of me.. I ate that freaking bag of chips.. SO what.. Tell me how bad I was fat and calories... SO what.. The scale didn't move today.. I got 6 more freaking days.. SO F-ing WHAT!
The weight loss issue will not beat me down.. MENTALLY.. I've done that already.. Now it's time to beat you down mentally.. FAT!
Truth #1.. I will not lose at this again..
Truth #2.. I have friends and my teams for support..
Truth #3.. I will not feel guilty for eating any more.
Truth #4.. I'm moving to lose it..
Truth #5.. I eat for a active life style... Not a diet life style..
Truth #6.. Every week.. I dust myself off.. With planning...
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