Friday, September 24, 2010
I will see a new me everyday! And I will love what I see.
I guess you are wondering what I am trying to say right here, so Iím going to get to the point. It becomes a time in our livesÖ When we get caught up, and trapped in something, and we know damn well we canít back-out.
Iím talking about ďmy, yours, and our struggles with weight loss.Ē
DF told me yesterday. Sometimes, you need to take some of the irons out of the fire. We were talking about the many challenges and things I got going on in my life, and he did touch on SP. He saidÖ WIFEY, I need for you to focus on your commitments as a leader to your group, and I also need for you to be committed to who you are within. And just do you, BOOÖ We are really talking good now. We are opening up like a can of worms up in hereÖ
He said. I know you got your STILETTOíS team, and you joined another challengeÖ BABY! You need to get back to your group, and what you started. YES! You can be friendly, but you have just a little too much on your plateÖ Too much on my plate makes my weight yo-yo around, and I canít deal with the stressÖ Iím not eating any red meat, or anything loaded in fat and Iíve had heart burn 3 days in a rowÖ ďSTRESSING OUT TROUBLES.Ē
So, I have to break myself down from my addition of trying to be on top. In everyoneís cornerÖ I still got everyoneís back, but all I can say now is this. Iím going to do the best I can. Thatís all we can doÖ Just do your all time best. I am ready to get my group ready for another Boot Camp, and if you havenít seen these ladies progress photosÖ Well, let me tell you thisÖ Looking at how the body changes every 28 or 30 days makes it worth while to keep on pushing forward, and it works. It works wondersÖ
I came up with this BOOT CAMP to open your eyes to what the scale isnít showing you. You see, the scale shows us a number, and thatís all we see a ďFIGUREĒ not the ďFIGUREĒ on us, but the ďFIGUREĒ on the scale, and that scale ďFIGUREĒ is different from the one we see day after day within our very mirror, but when you capture it on DIGITAL PHOTO and compareÖ You would be likeÖ OH! Look at thisÖ My arms are tone, I got guns, and my butt is really toning down nicely, apple bottoms here I come, and my belly is slowly looking like it did when I was such and such age. Thatís the joy I get from this group. Seeing there progress, and watching them take notice, and stock in what they have achieved. You know, Iím not here to really run a race. Iím so sick of running, and I am so sick of the challenges. I set myself up for too much. Too much extra. Itís all good, because I know how to balance the best way I can. I take all that I have and I use it the best way I can.
I had to ask myself one personal questionÖ
What was my main reason for joining SP?
To lose weight, to meet people who was on the same path as me, and had struggles like me. To talk to people, and get great feed back, and also to just deal with the pressures with a loving supportive group. And to help as many as I could along the way. My auntie today told meÖ BLESSING comes, and when you are blessed, you give them right back. She told me. You are so sweet, and you just do so much, and I am so lovingÖ But we all have a side in us we donít want to address, or our love ones to see.
My confessions are these right hereÖ
My weight is my personal issueÖ
I fight like hell to keep it in checkÖ
When my weight isnít rolling right, I lose my damn mindÖ
I workout 2 to 3 times a day.. 10mins./20mins./60mins.
I like to not only please myself, but I also like to achieve the unthinkable.
My unreachable is a size 9/10 and I want to reach that size.. And be done with itÖ.. And I will reach itÖ..
I have wide hips, because I squat 80 to 110 pounds 3 days a week, and I press 250 pounds with my legs.. Low reps.. Donít do this at home.
I like to out do the manÖ. And I lift more than my DFÖ MORE!
Because my mind is focus to lift more, but his lower body is as strong as mines. But when it comes down to human weight (BM) he can lift it, when it comes to man made weights (IRON) he canít lift that. Itís a challenge for him, unless itís with his legsÖ But a mentally challenge when it comes to lifting iron up and over his head. He thinks the thing is going to come crashing down on his chest.., And you know what ďladiesĒ I LOVE IT!
And I rub it inÖ APLPHA MALE OR NOT! I rub it in!
My struggles on weight loss.. My struggle is keeping up with it.
Keeping the pounds rolling, or keeping the pounds maintain.
We donít have to race, keep up, out do, or catch anyone. The only person we have to keep is ourselves. We own up to weight loss struggles, but you know what the struggle is.. Trying to juggle everything going on in your life, and balance the scale at the same time. Love you first, put you first, follow your own program, and add the little add on-s within the group, and stop. I mean this.. STOP! Circling your life around what is being done for this week. Just stop it. Donít wait on someone to post a challenge for the week. I was a fool earlier this year, because I would get so upset, when the challenge wasnít up and running on time. Then I would get mad when the challenge was weak.
Ladies, I give you all the to you..
You all keep on punching, and coming harder after your goals. You donít stop until you reach it. Yeah, we are going to face some hard roads, but Iím going to tell you this.. When you cross a bump in the road.. Or walk up on a snake.. RETHINK YOUR PROGRAM, and get BACK to YOU again.. YOU!
We do not let our struggles make usÖ. We break the struggles, because a struggles is nothing more than a cycle. A cycle in life. The one RULE on STRUGGLES is this.. YOU donít ADDRESS it as STRUGGLE. You address it as a CHALLENGE, and you get over it..
YOU CAN DO..
COUNT HOW MANY STRUGGLES JESUS HAD TO FACE, AND WHAT HE DID IN THE MIST OF THE STRUGGLE.
HE DIDNíT WORRY!
HE DIDNíT FEAR!
AND HE DIDNíT LET IT BOTHER HIM!
HE LET IT GO AND HE LET GODÖ.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
How do you voice, the happiest feeling in your life?
Well, you thank the father for waking you in the morning and starting you on your day. You thank the father, for giving you someone to pray with, when you are in need, and you thank the father for giving you an open ear for wisdom, when you hear it knocking.
The knock was at my door at 2:00am this morning. I asked my fiancť a question, and he didnít give me an answer. I was puzzled at first, because there was no answer, and I cried in that moment, and I will not share what I asked him, but the knock did come at the door of my heart, and he said.. Go write, and end this mess now. You both arenít talking, so do the next best thing. Write your feeling in a letter, and lay it where he would see it. In his ash tray, And I did, just that.
I wrote a 7 page letter, and at the end. I wrote burn this letter when youíre done reading it. I wrote burn, so we want return to this place any more. Itís over, and we are now done with this issue, and has been put to rest. No more drama, all this issues are out, and have been put to rest. Now, Iíve gotten some advice, I even gotten some advice about otherís peoples relationships. Well, this one does not work like everyone elseís. This relationship isnít perfect. There has to be sorrow in order to receive growth. If there is no sorrow or mistakes in that relationship, then something is truly ďwrongĒ or the person is walking on egg shells around you. So, I donít want us to be walking on egg shells, and I donít want us having issues with one another. I want us to love each other fully, and you canít love anyone fully when you are both walking around on egg shells, and afraid to voice yourself, and thoughts to them.
So, we had our moment. We talk things out a little different, in text messages and itís now laid to rest. We have been in our happy place with each other all day. I am so happy that we got those issues out, and I feel so good about it. More than good, but we love each other and we both agreed to support each otherís wishes and respect each otherís wishesÖ He even ordered my Leather jeans, to show me heís moving in the right direction, and Iím going to lay down the internet, and go back to my studiesÖ We talked about that too.
So, I might not spark my flame up on here daily as usual, but what I will do is try to spark it, but keep the time limited, and go back to working on my studies, because I focus a lot on other things, and thatís what he needs me to do. Focus some of our family too, and stop shutting them out. That was the whole reason of the bet. He wanted to be a part of my weight loss journey. I didnít know that really, and I didnít know he missed going to the gym with me. He hates speed walking with me, but will try in the morning. We are working on getting back to where we were before the house and the marriage thingy coming up.
We both agreed on lighting a candle when we are ready to get married to one another. Just one candle and since he is the man, He will light it, and that will be my warning. The day before, to get my stuff in order, and clear the day. I told him to light it 3 days before. I'm a lady TE-HE... We also talked about, making sure are loves, is pure, and the family ďmyĒ family is fully out of our businessÖ My ďmomĒ in more ways than one, because sometimes both my parents can fire him up. My mom is my go to woman, and sometimes, I go to her for too much and she does check him often for the things Iíve said to herÖ And I didnít know that. ďWhat you do to my daughter now?Ē He told me. He is so sick of hearing that one. He voiced his love and feeling to me, and guess what world. We are going to be A-O-K!
Auntie, My mom said. You both have to bring me up right in this relationship stuff, and you both have to keep me grounded and on my toes, but not jumping to the music, thatís what I got him forÖ LOL! She also saidÖ Girl! You funny and she loves the music in your voice. I never noticed that, but you do sound as if you are sing a song of rejoice.
I love you all. MJ, Thanks for your advice. Tough words to read, but I gotchaÖ Kajana, You always know how to pull me in. AUNTIES! Iím okay, and thanks for the prayers. TT (MOM), I love you, and I do know when to bounce, but I canít bounce on my one true love, because this woman does like the jealousy in this man. Itís kind of a turn on, and not a turn off at timesÖ So, Iím going to work with him. Not train him, but work with him. Well, we are going to work with each other, on giving us what we want and need.
My fiancť said to me. Iím not a 6 figure man, and Iím not some prize eye candy, but Iím real, and I love you as hard as a woman's love.. And thatís a good thing. Love you all, and thanks for keeping me grounded.....
Got a mini workout to do.. Going to curl some mad weight tonight. Curls (60lbs) 2x10 Tri dips(20c), chest press (80lbs)2x10 500 steps biggest losers first game challenges, and then im off to bed.. After I take a bubble bath...
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Let her ripÖ
Thatís what my mom is calling me now. Let her rip...
Earlier today, I went off in my personal writing area at home. I have been reading again. A NEW EARTH by Eckhart Tolle, and my mother told me.
This book isnít the best book for you to read in your time of need, and she is right. But then again, I feel the need to read it, so I have to look deep within, and find out whatís going on with me.
So, my beautiful mother said to me. Life is what you make of it, and life is what you take from it. If you want to change something in your life, change it, but donít let the change make you bitter during that process. So, what do I do? I come inside my home, and I put on a smile a ďfakeĒ smile at that.
I looked at this man, I call my soul mate, and I started to look him over. Looking at every part, and every inch of him as he stood in front of the T.V. with his hands on his hips, He looked at me, and ask me was I ready to talk things out. I said no, and I carried on about my business. Looking him over, and checking out the things I see within him.
Now, first of all! I got to talk this one out, because the other blog I posted was deleted by my mother, sayingÖ How do you delete this crap? Well, she saw what to push and she pushed it. She saidÖ Bring a smile to your readers and not a frown. Your issues will take the life out of some ones life. And once again, my mother was right. Now, my mom loves to listen to sweetlips blogs, and my motherÖ OH! She loves to giggle, and she saidÖ Look at her wiggling those loose jeans around. My mom isnít a person who is on the internet all the time, and said. Your sparkpeople will be something I would like to look deeper into. Here comes that smile across my face. Iíve been trying to get her to join for the past year now, and no goÖ No nothing and my baby bro have been trying to get her on facebookÖ Like she has time for that she says to us with a giggle.
My mom told me todayÖ Reach for the stars that shine within you. Donít let this issue with your ex husband break you and the one you love away. Deal with it. Tough words And I must eat every bite, because she is so right, but I am not talking to him. Not until he says something I want to hear.
Today was an iffy day. My cycle is slowing down, and I did step on the scales todayÖ 150.8 GREAT! He was peaking around the corner as I stood there in my full naked body, and I saidÖ MM, we are doing it. My BFF that has past on and went to heaven, I knowÖ She helped me lose weight in 2007 and we worked through a lot of pain and issues together, and Iím going to keep my promise. My promise was toÖ Never be her, and Iím going to keep my promise. My friend died at 89 pounds. She didnít have ED or anything, she just had an emotional problem, and it would affect her so bad that she could not keep nothing down, or anything in, if you get where Iím going with this, and my promise was this. To not let love take me under and drive me insane, and todayÖ I went off my rocker, and Iím not 100% back, but I can tell you thisÖ Iím a whole lot better than I was 12 hours ago. A whole lot better.
So, like sweetlips said in her VB, lets give a little. Letís give away some smiles, and thatís what I plan on doingÖ All SMILES!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
The man is ďJEALOUS.Ē
Last night after talking things over with my fiancť. I quickly learn he was a ďjealous man.Ē
First of all. I was shock to my core when I found saw the jealousesie in his eyes.. I canít believe this, you know. After all this time, a full year and 2 months with him. Now, I do see it loud and clear. Heís a jealous man, but heís not jealous of me. Heís jealous of other men looking. If heís with me or not. He canít stand men looking at me. He hates it with a passion.
What took me back for a flip in time wasÖ
The night I was getting ready for this party I was going to.. He wasnít going, and he didnít want me looking hot either.. I went in my closet, and I got down this long dresses outfit my mother had gotten me. The slacks was wide leg on the bottom, and the thigh part fit me like a glove.. Tightly on my thighs and butt and when I stepped out of the bath room in this outfit.. Just the top, I had not finish dressing yet.. It was funny to me the way he reacted to what I had on.. He said to me.. And he was on the phone with someone.. I donít know who, and I donít care who. But when I stepped out of the bath room in those pants.. He lost this damn mind. Yelling, take that off before I rip them off of you. I did take it off, because one.. It just didnít feel right. I felt I needed to lose a few more pounds, because of the way they was hugging my hips. But he thought he had won, because I did take it off.. I told him.. It didnít feel right, and he said to me.. I donít know what type of men you been with, but I do not like my ďwomanĒ dressing like a ďhoĒ his words..
First of all. The pants and the suit outfit itís self if very classy, my mother would not have gotten me a ho suit for my birthday. Not at allÖ When my mom seeís something I will love and wear, she gets it for me. Itís a size 14, but what he didnít like about it was the shape it was showing.. My body full view.. Now we donít have a problem with some of the jeans I wear, but he does have a problem with things showing a little too much of my curves, and it was banging on me.. And I did love the pants.. His other words to me that night was. If you want to keep this outfit you better take it with you.
I lost my damn mind in that moment.. I remember hanging it up, and telling him.. It better be hanging right there when I come back home.. You better not touch my sh!t, or I will come up in here and bleach all your sh!t, do you understand. I donít know what type of women you use to run, but you will not be running this one.. I will not allow you to run me like you ran them. When I lose another 10 pounds. I will wear that out, and he said.. Not with me.. I said.. I could careless if we are together or not when I wear it, but I will wear it.. Best believe that.. Heís jealous.. Not because of the clothes I wear, but because of the men who will see me in it.. Isnít that crazy.. Isnít that Fíed up. Iím telling you.. This man has some issues with my body.. Oh, donít get me wrong. He loves it.. He loves my shape for his eyes only, and Iím suppose to walk around in. Jeans and sweats 7 days a week, and dress how he feel I should dress when we go out.. Now, I donít get it, and I donít understand it.. But I think it happen a few times I went out with him.. One time we went to the movies, and I had on a black dress, and this dress was a little mini dress, and I looked Fíing hot. I mean that.. I was the sh!t in that dress, and I had on my fur. My cousin could not believe what I had on.. And he didnít say a word about it. We wasnít living together yet, and I had on 4Ē heel boots. And I was rocking it.. You hear me. He told me.. I looked nice, but he never came out fully, with what I had on until I tried to wear it again months later after moving into our home.. He lost his mind, and he told me. You must want me to rip it up.. Then he goes.. Iím telling you. You canít dress like that..
Now then, I started to just look back at all the times he told me.. I canít wear this, or I canít wear that. And I saw the jealousies in him. I mean really, you are going to tell me what to wear. I might as well stop losing weight, and get fat. Why do the hard work if I canít show the work Iíve done. Okay! So, I told him one night, and I do remember this night clearly.. If you get back to 246 or 278 or even 300 I will leave you.. You and I will never be.. I said.. OH! Thatís what I have to do to get rid of your controlling ass.. I will never forget that, and he saidÖ NO! Just watch what you put on. Your are my women.. Well, this isnít the 60ís-70ís-80ís or 90ís, We in the 00ís now.. And Iím telling you.. If you want to control something, someone, go find her.. Iím doing me, and I am losing my weight for me.
This morning, when he got up. I was already in the living room.. Working out. I was doing my combo workout, and he just walked into the living room, and he rolled his eyes at me.. I asked him.. What is that all about? The eye rolling and sh!t.. Tell me something, make me understand.. Do you not want me taking your money, because we can drop this bet.. We can drop it and let it go..
I told him.. You have done me wrong as your woman, and I am so sick of it..
I canít dress how I want to dress, but you can break your neck to look at these other women.
You can watch them twist there hips, but make comments when Iím walking in my heels twisting mines..
Hell NO! I donít think so.. Itís like this.. Mr. Petty!
Iím a mom.
Iíve lost 35 pounds.
Iíve lost the same damn 8 pounds over and over again since we started having these issues with my clothes.
I donít mind.. Stopping and coiling your hair so you can look good.
I donít mind.. Helping you find the right outfit, so you can do your thang.
I donít mind.. Buying you clothes when Iím shopping.
I donít mind.. Women looking at you..
I donít mind it at all, because I know when I look damn good, and when I look my worst..
MEN are going to look at me.
So, suck it the hell up.. Because, if you feel you need me to be..
Ms. Goodie, 2 shoes..
Then, Iím not the one for you..
Iíve been miss cover up all my life.
All my ďFATĒ life, and I want be Ms. Cover, up any more..
Youíre with me or you not..
Youíre in or out.
What do you want?
And I donít want to hear..
Baby, Iím sorry.. F-that one..
Keep it.. Save it for when you really mean it, and I went back to doing me.. Curling 40 pounds, because.. I donít mind having my jackets a tailored to fit me..
I will not become one of these women..
Who needs to be controlled.
Or has to be controlled.
That women, who thought I was being fair and respectful has left the building.
Recognize, ďIím back!Ē T.I.
Iím going to shine.. Like it or not.
Iím doing my 10.. Not his.. This is my B-DayÖÖ
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Yesterday was a day of many reflections on my past..
I am dealing with a lot of issues and drama once again from my past..
Let it go, and let it rest they say..
But how can I when this has gone on for way too long..
My current weight is 153.2 and that's good news for me..
My burn for my active day was 4535 and no... That does not mean I've lost a pound.. That just means.. I moved my ass a lot today, and was not stopping until I reached a great breaking point and a damn good sweat... I'm focus.. I am very focus, and when my fiance came home from his mini trip.. I went off.
1... We are going to have to talk I tell him...
2... What I say to you.. Please take it how ever...
3... You just don't know what's going on with me...
4... I'm going to need you to listen to my heart... Because my feelings has issues with you as a person..
Now, I told this man.. I love everything about him, and like he has told me before.. Countless times.. Don't try to change him. He's stuck in his ways..
But when he came into my life. My weight was on a recall gain.. And it was recalling all the weight I had lost in 07-08 and right on in the middle of 09
Now, I don't need a stylist to dress me. So, don't act as one..
I don't need anyone to tell me.. When to go, how to come, and how long to stay gone. I got parents, and I am a parent myself.. I'm a grown ass woman. Deal with it.. And a damn good grown ass woman....
Now then... If you want someone to shape and mold into what you want.. Go out there and find her. Because it's clearly not me you are seeking.. IF you want me.. You take me as I am fully.. If you want to change me.. Then that means you never wanted me.. You just wanted to control me.. And I can no longer be apart of that.. Now then... The bet is on or off, but you will not tell me what to spend my winnings on.. If you still wanna do this with these 30 pounds by 1/15/11
I'm grown, and I will not disrespect you in anyway, and you should be proud of me and what I've done..
If you can't support the woman I'm becoming..
The door is there..
Leave my keys on the table.
And lets call this over..
My man. My dear loving man said this..
NOW! HOLD THE F up..
Yeah, you hold the F up... I'm talking here. You don't say a word..
I go to tell him.. All my life.. I've been the yes girl..
I've been the one who was left standing in the darkness while those men walk into the light. Now, I've support them men 100% just like I support you.
I give you what you want, when you want it, and how you want it..
I open up to you, and you don't open back unless I'm pushing you out the front door.. Now you done had your weekend of fun, and I had my weeking of breaking thur a lot of BS that I've been holding on to..
And I will not.. I will not be this girl.... Who will take sh!t and be quite about it, and shy my way into a corner..
My point has been made, and he has not said one word to me..
Because I told him. Now, I need peace and quite for the rest of the night.. Take it how you wanna take it.. Because I just dished it out.. Now shut up, or eat your words.. That's all I had to say.
I'm waking up..
And I want stop waking up until I wake up fully..
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