struggles & FEARS!

Friday, September 24, 2010

Struggles….

I will see a new me everyday! And I will love what I see.
I guess you are wondering what I am trying to say right here, so I’m going to get to the point. It becomes a time in our lives… When we get caught up, and trapped in something, and we know damn well we can’t back-out.

I’m talking about “my, yours, and our struggles with weight loss.”
DF told me yesterday. Sometimes, you need to take some of the irons out of the fire. We were talking about the many challenges and things I got going on in my life, and he did touch on SP. He said… WIFEY, I need for you to focus on your commitments as a leader to your group, and I also need for you to be committed to who you are within. And just do you, BOO… We are really talking good now. We are opening up like a can of worms up in here…

He said. I know you got your STILETTO’S team, and you joined another challenge… BABY! You need to get back to your group, and what you started. YES! You can be friendly, but you have just a little too much on your plate… Too much on my plate makes my weight yo-yo around, and I can’t deal with the stress… I’m not eating any red meat, or anything loaded in fat and I’ve had heart burn 3 days in a row… “STRESSING OUT TROUBLES.”

So, I have to break myself down from my addition of trying to be on top. In everyone’s corner… I still got everyone’s back, but all I can say now is this. I’m going to do the best I can. That’s all we can do… Just do your all time best. I am ready to get my group ready for another Boot Camp, and if you haven’t seen these ladies progress photos… Well, let me tell you this… Looking at how the body changes every 28 or 30 days makes it worth while to keep on pushing forward, and it works. It works wonders…

I came up with this BOOT CAMP to open your eyes to what the scale isn’t showing you. You see, the scale shows us a number, and that’s all we see a “FIGURE” not the “FIGURE” on us, but the “FIGURE” on the scale, and that scale “FIGURE” is different from the one we see day after day within our very mirror, but when you capture it on DIGITAL PHOTO and compare… You would be like… OH! Look at this… My arms are tone, I got guns, and my butt is really toning down nicely, apple bottoms here I come, and my belly is slowly looking like it did when I was such and such age. That’s the joy I get from this group. Seeing there progress, and watching them take notice, and stock in what they have achieved. You know, I’m not here to really run a race. I’m so sick of running, and I am so sick of the challenges. I set myself up for too much. Too much extra. It’s all good, because I know how to balance the best way I can. I take all that I have and I use it the best way I can.

I had to ask myself one personal question…
What was my main reason for joining SP?
To lose weight, to meet people who was on the same path as me, and had struggles like me. To talk to people, and get great feed back, and also to just deal with the pressures with a loving supportive group. And to help as many as I could along the way. My auntie today told me… BLESSING comes, and when you are blessed, you give them right back. She told me. You are so sweet, and you just do so much, and I am so loving… But we all have a side in us we don’t want to address, or our love ones to see.

CONFESSIONS…

My confessions are these right here…
My weight is my personal issue…
I fight like hell to keep it in check…
When my weight isn’t rolling right, I lose my damn mind…
I workout 2 to 3 times a day.. 10mins./20mins./60mins.
I like to not only please myself, but I also like to achieve the unthinkable.
My unreachable is a size 9/10 and I want to reach that size.. And be done with it….. And I will reach it…..
I have wide hips, because I squat 80 to 110 pounds 3 days a week, and I press 250 pounds with my legs.. Low reps.. Don’t do this at home.
I like to out do the man…. And I lift more than my DF… MORE!
Because my mind is focus to lift more, but his lower body is as strong as mines. But when it comes down to human weight (BM) he can lift it, when it comes to man made weights (IRON) he can’t lift that. It’s a challenge for him, unless it’s with his legs… But a mentally challenge when it comes to lifting iron up and over his head. He thinks the thing is going to come crashing down on his chest.., And you know what “ladies” I LOVE IT!
And I rub it in… APLPHA MALE OR NOT! I rub it in!

My struggles on weight loss.. My struggle is keeping up with it.
Keeping the pounds rolling, or keeping the pounds maintain.
We don’t have to race, keep up, out do, or catch anyone. The only person we have to keep is ourselves. We own up to weight loss struggles, but you know what the struggle is.. Trying to juggle everything going on in your life, and balance the scale at the same time. Love you first, put you first, follow your own program, and add the little add on-s within the group, and stop. I mean this.. STOP! Circling your life around what is being done for this week. Just stop it. Don’t wait on someone to post a challenge for the week. I was a fool earlier this year, because I would get so upset, when the challenge wasn’t up and running on time. Then I would get mad when the challenge was weak.

Ladies, I give you all the to you..
You all keep on punching, and coming harder after your goals. You don’t stop until you reach it. Yeah, we are going to face some hard roads, but I’m going to tell you this.. When you cross a bump in the road.. Or walk up on a snake.. RETHINK YOUR PROGRAM, and get BACK to YOU again.. YOU!

We do not let our struggles make us…. We break the struggles, because a struggles is nothing more than a cycle. A cycle in life. The one RULE on STRUGGLES is this.. YOU don’t ADDRESS it as STRUGGLE. You address it as a CHALLENGE, and you get over it..

YOU CAN DO..
THE UNTHINKABLE!
THE UNREACHABLE!
THE IMPOSSIBLE!
THE BELIEVEIABLE!
COUNT HOW MANY STRUGGLES JESUS HAD TO FACE, AND WHAT HE DID IN THE MIST OF THE STRUGGLE.
HE DIDN’T WORRY!
HE DIDN’T FEAR!
AND HE DIDN’T LET IT BOTHER HIM!
HE LET IT GO AND HE LET GOD….

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SEXYSLIM78 9/25/2010 1:01PM

Lynn u r so right. We are all here for the same reason but when we look within, they r so much more personal. You r a strong and courageous woman. Continue to stay strong and you will conquer this issues. God Bless you and yours. Take care! Report Inappropriate Comment

SWEETLIPS 9/24/2010 10:35PM

BLESSINGS and Strength. Thank you Report Inappropriate Comment

MERRYJAYNE1978 9/24/2010 8:43AM

I totally get it doll. When you stop and think about it, even though we're all here for the same reason- to lose weight- the reasons behind that journey are intensely personal. Its kind of like grief...universal in that almost everyone has felt it, but deeply personal because when its your grief and your loss...its yours. People can support you, people can empathize, people can relate...but its still yours. Yours to work through, yours to deal with, yours to overcome. That's how this weight loss thing is. We're all on our own personal journeys. But its easy...too easy to get distracted. Caught up in other people's success or struggles. Looking at other people's progress and comparing yourself, wondering why you aren't where they are and you started at the same time, looking at other people's before/after pics or seeing the ticker move for someone else while yours is stuck. Its easy to lose focus and forget to just do you, be you, and work your program. And balance...the older I get the more I realize that for such an easy concept its damn hard to execute. And I'm like you..when my world is out of balance it reflects itself in my body. I don't get heartburn...I get the sleep issue. I can't sleep. And then I know that if I don't fix whatever is out of whack I won't sleep. And then my weight is gonna fluctuate all bananas like b/c I'm gonna get thrown off...too tired and unmotivated to work out, chasing the sugar high to stay awake/alert, stressed out and cuckoo for cocoa puffs b/c I'm tired lol. When my life is out of balance, my scale and my body reflect it. As far as SP goes...for me, in terms of active teams, less is more. I find if I try doing too many things w/too many teams at once, I end up unfocused. I think its because I struggle with the concept of middle ground...I'm an all in or all out kind of girl. So if I join a team, I"m all in. Participating in challenges, reaching out and supporting my team members, reading blogs, sending goodies...I'm out there and I'm active. And I'm competitive AND a worrier. I start worrying about letting people down, wondering if I'm doing enough, worried that so and so is doing better than me. I get a little crazy LOL. Which drives Ethan and the kids a little crazy LOL...so for the sake of everyone's sanity I limit myself. Report Inappropriate Comment

-POOKIE- 9/24/2010 5:35AM

You are a wonderful woman Lynn, dont ever doubt that xx Report Inappropriate Comment

My love letter, is replies in text messages (love)

Thursday, September 23, 2010

How do you voice, the happiest feeling in your life?

Well, you thank the father for waking you in the morning and starting you on your day. You thank the father, for giving you someone to pray with, when you are in need, and you thank the father for giving you an open ear for wisdom, when you hear it knocking.

The knock was at my door at 2:00am this morning. I asked my fiancé a question, and he didn’t give me an answer. I was puzzled at first, because there was no answer, and I cried in that moment, and I will not share what I asked him, but the knock did come at the door of my heart, and he said.. Go write, and end this mess now. You both aren’t talking, so do the next best thing. Write your feeling in a letter, and lay it where he would see it. In his ash tray, And I did, just that.

I wrote a 7 page letter, and at the end. I wrote burn this letter when you’re done reading it. I wrote burn, so we want return to this place any more. It’s over, and we are now done with this issue, and has been put to rest. No more drama, all this issues are out, and have been put to rest. Now, I’ve gotten some advice, I even gotten some advice about other’s peoples relationships. Well, this one does not work like everyone else’s. This relationship isn’t perfect. There has to be sorrow in order to receive growth. If there is no sorrow or mistakes in that relationship, then something is truly “wrong” or the person is walking on egg shells around you. So, I don’t want us to be walking on egg shells, and I don’t want us having issues with one another. I want us to love each other fully, and you can’t love anyone fully when you are both walking around on egg shells, and afraid to voice yourself, and thoughts to them.

So, we had our moment. We talk things out a little different, in text messages and it’s now laid to rest. We have been in our happy place with each other all day. I am so happy that we got those issues out, and I feel so good about it. More than good, but we love each other and we both agreed to support each other’s wishes and respect each other’s wishes… He even ordered my Leather jeans, to show me he’s moving in the right direction, and I’m going to lay down the internet, and go back to my studies… We talked about that too.

So, I might not spark my flame up on here daily as usual, but what I will do is try to spark it, but keep the time limited, and go back to working on my studies, because I focus a lot on other things, and that’s what he needs me to do. Focus some of our family too, and stop shutting them out. That was the whole reason of the bet. He wanted to be a part of my weight loss journey. I didn’t know that really, and I didn’t know he missed going to the gym with me. He hates speed walking with me, but will try in the morning. We are working on getting back to where we were before the house and the marriage thingy coming up.

We both agreed on lighting a candle when we are ready to get married to one another. Just one candle and since he is the man, He will light it, and that will be my warning. The day before, to get my stuff in order, and clear the day. I told him to light it 3 days before. I'm a lady TE-HE... We also talked about, making sure are loves, is pure, and the family “my” family is fully out of our business… My “mom” in more ways than one, because sometimes both my parents can fire him up. My mom is my go to woman, and sometimes, I go to her for too much and she does check him often for the things I’ve said to her… And I didn’t know that. “What you do to my daughter now?” He told me. He is so sick of hearing that one. He voiced his love and feeling to me, and guess what world. We are going to be A-O-K!

Auntie, My mom said. You both have to bring me up right in this relationship stuff, and you both have to keep me grounded and on my toes, but not jumping to the music, that’s what I got him for… LOL! She also said… Girl! You funny and she loves the music in your voice. I never noticed that, but you do sound as if you are sing a song of rejoice.

I love you all. MJ, Thanks for your advice. Tough words to read, but I gotcha… Kajana, You always know how to pull me in. AUNTIES! I’m okay, and thanks for the prayers. TT (MOM), I love you, and I do know when to bounce, but I can’t bounce on my one true love, because this woman does like the jealousy in this man. It’s kind of a turn on, and not a turn off at times… So, I’m going to work with him. Not train him, but work with him. Well, we are going to work with each other, on giving us what we want and need.

My fiancé said to me. I’m not a 6 figure man, and I’m not some prize eye candy, but I’m real, and I love you as hard as a woman's love.. And that’s a good thing. Love you all, and thanks for keeping me grounded.....

Got a mini workout to do.. Going to curl some mad weight tonight. Curls (60lbs) 2x10 Tri dips(20c), chest press (80lbs)2x10 500 steps biggest losers first game challenges, and then im off to bed.. After I take a bubble bath...

Lynn,

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SEXYSLIM78 9/25/2010 1:14PM

Lynn i am going thro a situation right now with my DF. And i did the same thing last week. I wrote down everything that was bothering me and everything that i been holding onto that has been causing me stress. I read it then i prayed over it and then i burned it up. Because i don't want to carry that with me any longer. It was keeping me from taking care of myself. Had me worried and stressed on a daily basis. So tonite, i am cooking dinner and we r going to sit down and talk things out. And ur right, work with him, not train him. So i hope things go good for us tonight and i hope that things will be okay for you too. Comment edited on: 9/25/2010 1:15:50 PM Report Inappropriate Comment

POPPIN26 9/24/2010 2:08AM

Lynn, I dont know your situation..and guess what? I don't need to, to know that what you feel and what you and your man share is a beautiful thing. Do what ever you need to do to keep your relationship. Love in sisterhood, Julia Report Inappropriate Comment

Time to just smile about it!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Let her rip…
That’s what my mom is calling me now. Let her rip...
Earlier today, I went off in my personal writing area at home. I have been reading again. A NEW EARTH by Eckhart Tolle, and my mother told me.
This book isn’t the best book for you to read in your time of need, and she is right. But then again, I feel the need to read it, so I have to look deep within, and find out what’s going on with me.

So, my beautiful mother said to me. Life is what you make of it, and life is what you take from it. If you want to change something in your life, change it, but don’t let the change make you bitter during that process. So, what do I do? I come inside my home, and I put on a smile a “fake” smile at that.

I looked at this man, I call my soul mate, and I started to look him over. Looking at every part, and every inch of him as he stood in front of the T.V. with his hands on his hips, He looked at me, and ask me was I ready to talk things out. I said no, and I carried on about my business. Looking him over, and checking out the things I see within him.

Now, first of all! I got to talk this one out, because the other blog I posted was deleted by my mother, saying… How do you delete this crap? Well, she saw what to push and she pushed it. She said… Bring a smile to your readers and not a frown. Your issues will take the life out of some ones life. And once again, my mother was right. Now, my mom loves to listen to sweetlips blogs, and my mother… OH! She loves to giggle, and she said… Look at her wiggling those loose jeans around. My mom isn’t a person who is on the internet all the time, and said. Your sparkpeople will be something I would like to look deeper into. Here comes that smile across my face. I’ve been trying to get her to join for the past year now, and no go… No nothing and my baby bro have been trying to get her on facebook… Like she has time for that she says to us with a giggle.

My mom told me today… Reach for the stars that shine within you. Don’t let this issue with your ex husband break you and the one you love away. Deal with it. Tough words And I must eat every bite, because she is so right, but I am not talking to him. Not until he says something I want to hear.

Today was an iffy day. My cycle is slowing down, and I did step on the scales today… 150.8 GREAT! He was peaking around the corner as I stood there in my full naked body, and I said… MM, we are doing it. My BFF that has past on and went to heaven, I know… She helped me lose weight in 2007 and we worked through a lot of pain and issues together, and I’m going to keep my promise. My promise was to… Never be her, and I’m going to keep my promise. My friend died at 89 pounds. She didn’t have ED or anything, she just had an emotional problem, and it would affect her so bad that she could not keep nothing down, or anything in, if you get where I’m going with this, and my promise was this. To not let love take me under and drive me insane, and today… I went off my rocker, and I’m not 100% back, but I can tell you this… I’m a whole lot better than I was 12 hours ago. A whole lot better.

So, like sweetlips said in her VB, lets give a little. Let’s give away some smiles, and that’s what I plan on doing… All SMILES!

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GODSBABYGAL 9/23/2010 1:19PM

Yea and you know I'm smiling cause your mom hit that delete button. Now I'm like the lil sis that would say "I told you don't do that". LOL Momma don't take no mess (James brown), LOL Report Inappropriate Comment

SWEETLIPS 9/22/2010 9:55PM

I hope you had time to read what I wrote earlier - your mom and I were in sycn - thanks for looking at my VB. Tell your momma, that I wore them to dinner too, and I had to laugh at myself, but I just wanted to have some big clothes on. Here is a song that I play a lot because it is what it is: http://www.youtube.com/w atch?v=a-D6Q_nzJ_g&feature=related Report Inappropriate Comment

The man is "jealous!"

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The man is “JEALOUS.”

Last night after talking things over with my fiancé. I quickly learn he was a “jealous man.”
First of all. I was shock to my core when I found saw the jealousesie in his eyes.. I can’t believe this, you know. After all this time, a full year and 2 months with him. Now, I do see it loud and clear. He’s a jealous man, but he’s not jealous of me. He’s jealous of other men looking. If he’s with me or not. He can’t stand men looking at me. He hates it with a passion.

What took me back for a flip in time was…
The night I was getting ready for this party I was going to.. He wasn’t going, and he didn’t want me looking hot either.. I went in my closet, and I got down this long dresses outfit my mother had gotten me. The slacks was wide leg on the bottom, and the thigh part fit me like a glove.. Tightly on my thighs and butt and when I stepped out of the bath room in this outfit.. Just the top, I had not finish dressing yet.. It was funny to me the way he reacted to what I had on.. He said to me.. And he was on the phone with someone.. I don’t know who, and I don’t care who. But when I stepped out of the bath room in those pants.. He lost this damn mind. Yelling, take that off before I rip them off of you. I did take it off, because one.. It just didn’t feel right. I felt I needed to lose a few more pounds, because of the way they was hugging my hips. But he thought he had won, because I did take it off.. I told him.. It didn’t feel right, and he said to me.. I don’t know what type of men you been with, but I do not like my “woman” dressing like a “ho” his words..

First of all. The pants and the suit outfit it’s self if very classy, my mother would not have gotten me a ho suit for my birthday. Not at all… When my mom see’s something I will love and wear, she gets it for me. It’s a size 14, but what he didn’t like about it was the shape it was showing.. My body full view.. Now we don’t have a problem with some of the jeans I wear, but he does have a problem with things showing a little too much of my curves, and it was banging on me.. And I did love the pants.. His other words to me that night was. If you want to keep this outfit you better take it with you.

I lost my damn mind in that moment.. I remember hanging it up, and telling him.. It better be hanging right there when I come back home.. You better not touch my sh!t, or I will come up in here and bleach all your sh!t, do you understand. I don’t know what type of women you use to run, but you will not be running this one.. I will not allow you to run me like you ran them. When I lose another 10 pounds. I will wear that out, and he said.. Not with me.. I said.. I could careless if we are together or not when I wear it, but I will wear it.. Best believe that.. He’s jealous.. Not because of the clothes I wear, but because of the men who will see me in it.. Isn’t that crazy.. Isn’t that F’ed up. I’m telling you.. This man has some issues with my body.. Oh, don’t get me wrong. He loves it.. He loves my shape for his eyes only, and I’m suppose to walk around in. Jeans and sweats 7 days a week, and dress how he feel I should dress when we go out.. Now, I don’t get it, and I don’t understand it.. But I think it happen a few times I went out with him.. One time we went to the movies, and I had on a black dress, and this dress was a little mini dress, and I looked F’ing hot. I mean that.. I was the sh!t in that dress, and I had on my fur. My cousin could not believe what I had on.. And he didn’t say a word about it. We wasn’t living together yet, and I had on 4” heel boots. And I was rocking it.. You hear me. He told me.. I looked nice, but he never came out fully, with what I had on until I tried to wear it again months later after moving into our home.. He lost his mind, and he told me. You must want me to rip it up.. Then he goes.. I’m telling you. You can’t dress like that..

Now then, I started to just look back at all the times he told me.. I can’t wear this, or I can’t wear that. And I saw the jealousies in him. I mean really, you are going to tell me what to wear. I might as well stop losing weight, and get fat. Why do the hard work if I can’t show the work I’ve done. Okay! So, I told him one night, and I do remember this night clearly.. If you get back to 246 or 278 or even 300 I will leave you.. You and I will never be.. I said.. OH! That’s what I have to do to get rid of your controlling ass.. I will never forget that, and he said… NO! Just watch what you put on. Your are my women.. Well, this isn’t the 60’s-70’s-80’s or 90’s, We in the 00’s now.. And I’m telling you.. If you want to control something, someone, go find her.. I’m doing me, and I am losing my weight for me.

This morning, when he got up. I was already in the living room.. Working out. I was doing my combo workout, and he just walked into the living room, and he rolled his eyes at me.. I asked him.. What is that all about? The eye rolling and sh!t.. Tell me something, make me understand.. Do you not want me taking your money, because we can drop this bet.. We can drop it and let it go..

I told him.. You have done me wrong as your woman, and I am so sick of it..
I can’t dress how I want to dress, but you can break your neck to look at these other women.
You can watch them twist there hips, but make comments when I’m walking in my heels twisting mines..
Hell NO! I don’t think so.. It’s like this.. Mr. Petty!

I’m 33.
I’m a mom.
I’ve lost 35 pounds.
I’ve lost the same damn 8 pounds over and over again since we started having these issues with my clothes.
I don’t mind.. Stopping and coiling your hair so you can look good.
I don’t mind.. Helping you find the right outfit, so you can do your thang.
I don’t mind.. Buying you clothes when I’m shopping.
I don’t mind.. Women looking at you..
I don’t mind it at all, because I know when I look damn good, and when I look my worst..
MEN are going to look at me.

So, suck it the hell up.. Because, if you feel you need me to be..
Ms. Goodie, 2 shoes..
Then, I’m not the one for you..
I’ve been miss cover up all my life.
All my “FAT” life, and I want be Ms. Cover, up any more..

You’re with me or you not..
You’re in or out.
What do you want?
And I don’t want to hear..
Baby, I’m sorry.. F-that one..
Keep it.. Save it for when you really mean it, and I went back to doing me.. Curling 40 pounds, because.. I don’t mind having my jackets a tailored to fit me..

I will not become one of these women..
Who needs to be controlled.
Or has to be controlled.
NAW!
That women, who thought I was being fair and respectful has left the building.
Recognize, “I’m back!” T.I.
I’m going to shine.. Like it or not.
I’m doing my 10.. Not his.. This is my B-Day……

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GODSBABYGAL 9/22/2010 8:58PM

.......................WT Freak Lynn!!!.....Auntie is SMH...........quietly.....I got the warning look on my face with the I mean it attitude going on. You put that information out there for a response and you got it now listen to someone...MJ, TT, gurlll, when those red flags go up pay attention. When a man tells you something concerning himself listen. ( KAJANA, I'm loving you and your singing) I got one tidbit...even for myself....don't marry hoping them to be a certain way ....they need to be it. My time is short so I must end here but I am going to trust that you will listen to somebody and you will handle this . Report Inappropriate Comment

SWEETLIPS 9/21/2010 10:55PM

You know that that they got burlap sacks on sale at the local store, put a lining in them and they won't itch. They take color real easy too. You got his one niece - I can only watch how it plays out. I know this is not new, so always remember what brought you together and think about what it will take to keep you through. Talk to me! Report Inappropriate Comment

LYNN-LOVES-LIFE 9/21/2010 6:09PM

Well MJ, I haven't left the gym yet. I've been letting everyone read my blogs, and check the sight out for themselves, and they are liking what they see.. I told them.. RIGHT MY NAME down so I can get those points.. Now then. Since I am still at work. He has called my cell phone 3 times, and left 3 VM and I was like.. What's up with this dude.. Asking me am I coming home.. The bed has been made he left on the other one, and the last one.. I'm cooking dinner tonight, all you have to do is rest and watch the biggest loser.. Then I got a text.. A deep text with.. I love you, and I wish you would come home.. You must be with, Lisa cause you never stay at the gym that long on a non work day at the gym.. When I left with my lab top.. He knew I wasn't rushing back home.. So, I'm not rushing to come home.. I want his ass to sweat a little.. You know... MJ, it's hard to get a man to understand me.. Really it is.. I've always been the shy one, and a boss to the ones I can boss and run, but this man.. He is one of my high school loves.. And we got back together.. Now, things started off cool, and when I started to get back into the swing of my diet. My clothes options changed.. It went from one way to the other.. I will not allow myself to just melt back into the back ground no more.. NO! Its not in me to do that anymore.. I've done it for way to long. I had a ex fiance, who had no problems with my dress.. Gave me wonderful things for every 10 pounds I would lose.. He just was a big lair on top of that, I was not going to give in to all those lies any more.. The cheating man.. Well, if you feel you need to cheat, and control me while you are cheating.. I don't need you.. The dirty man.. That's what I call this one.. Well, he has issues with me looking good, because.. He knows.. I've been with well off people, who can give me the world if I asked for it to be handed to me.. He knows I can pull that type of man.. And his mom called me on my cell and said.. DEAMOND is over here, and he said.. What can he do with a woman like that? Hell, I don't know, MJ but I do know this. I'm going home.. I'm cooking dinner. I don't need him doing anything special for me.. He can suck up his sh!t, and be who he is under cover, but I'm going to be the real me.. Day in and day out... I'm glad you have a great man.. Because we all have that great soulmate out there.. Mines.. Well, he's just full of himself right now, and I'm not the one for this non sense.. I have 3 kids, and keeping up with their non sense is good enough for him. Like my spark mom said. I can bounce.. I can leave if this don't work out right, and you all will be reading about what I will be talking to him about when I get home.. I need to stick a fork in this crap and be done with it.. Game Over this mess, and end it.. Before I end up going crazy behind his madness.. Report Inappropriate Comment

MERRYJAYNE1978 9/21/2010 5:21PM

Lynn...its like I said to you last night. I do compromise, never control. I don't give it away, nor do I demand to have it. My deal is simple...I am a grown ass woman and I require a grown ass man. If I can tell you who you can and can't talk to, where you can and can't go, and what you will and won't do...you aren't the man for me. I am a strong personality and I need someone who can hold their own or they will get steamrolled. By contrast, I don't give a candy coated damn what the last chick let you do, you don't run a thing up in here but your mouth. And you won't run that too long cause my patience for b.s is short. And I'm lucky, b/c Ethan and I similar in that way. He's a very strong, independent person who would run over a weak personality. Not b/c he's this alpha male who has to run ish..but b/c he's naturally a dominant, leader type of dude. If you can't hold your own, he's not interested in you. We were friends for a couple of years before we hooked up and I saw him dump girls b/c they would let him call all the shots. Where you wanna go? Wherever you wanna go. What you wanna eat? Whatever you wanna eat. LOL he can't deal with that type of chick. He needs you challenge him and bring something to the table other than boobs and booty lol. I'm also lucky that I found someone who understands and shares my need for personal space. People don't get it, but Ethan and I simple. When its me and him, its about us. When we're apart, you do you, I do me. What you do is what you do...as long as you are conducting yourself like you're supposed to I don't give a 'f where you are, who you are with and how long you been there. I don't need the pin to his cell, I don't need to check his email, I don't need to check the GPS on his car or look at Facebook wall or Myspace page to see whose leaving what comments. Do you...if you are the man I believe you to be, I have nothing to worry about. If I can't trust you, I have no business with you. Jealousy...I can't do it. Jealousy is control's ugly cousin and neither of them can be up in my head space on a regular basis. If the man is jealous...its his issue. He'll either work it out or walk it out. Either way its on him, not you. It has nothing to do with you. Don't pick up his emotional baggage. Let him carry his own sh-t. You have your own issues to deal with...don't add the extra burden of picking up his. Don't start something that is going to lead you down the path of resentment and anger. If you KNOW you want to dress/do/be a certain way and he's standing in the way of that...you have to decide if you can live constantly and consistently letting him run things. Because that will be the expectation you create in the relationship. He will feel like this is how we work. He will be happy as a pig in slop and you will be choking on resentment. Which will breed contempt. Don't start something with this man that you know in your spirit you won't be able to finish. Compromise..never control. Control has no place among two grown ass people. Equals don't control each other. Partners don't control each other. They compromise, they negotiate, they find a way where each person gets some of what they want so both people feel heard, valued, respected and get to maintain their dignity. Control does none of that. Control puts one person in the driver's seat and takes the other for a ride. Never value a relationship more than you value yourself. I learned that the hard way. That's why I'm so careful to maintain balance with Ethan. I love him from his hair follicles to his toe nails, but I will never love him enough to live a lie or love him enough to compromise myself in order to be with him. Been there, done that, never, ever again. Report Inappropriate Comment

LYNN-LOVES-LIFE 9/21/2010 4:39PM

Yeah, I had to get on to the sight to show one of the girls at the gym all about sparks and everything, and she is really liking what she sees with the sight.. Now then, when I put on my sports bra to go to the gym.. Well, I got a little gut, but I put on my black man beater, and I went out the door.. Rolling my hips, and he was just standing there in the window.. Now, then I get to the gym, I said to MARJAY my trainer.. Sh!t is hitting the fan up in my house about my weight loss.. HE said.. Yo-dude is controlling mommie.. I said.. I know... He said, hell sometimes when he comes to the gym with you. I act str8 up gay.. Because dude look like he would bust a can of kick ass wide open on me.. I didn't even notice how gay he would act until he brought it up.. I told him to be himself when he comes to the gym with me okay, just don't hide who you are as if you are gay.. You and I both know you are a str8 up player.. He said.. DAMN! If I could do it all again, and date you one more time.. Girl! I would be showing you off like the diamond you are.. I see you calling this wedding thing off.. NAW! I'm going to mold that sucker. My mom was laughing at me today, because I called him a punk A-B twice, and she said.. Do he not know you can kick box.. My mom said.. He's taking your shortness all wrong.. You can kick his A.. All I know is this.. I'm leaving here at 4, and when I get home at 4:30.. My bed better be made back up. LOL! Thank you ladies.. I'm taking over me- for the last time.. Report Inappropriate Comment

KAJANA 9/21/2010 3:51PM

""My CHIC Bad, MY CHIC Hood, MY CHIC do stuff that your CHIC wish she COULD""...( sorry, I had to sing this) (love you) LYNN, I'm glad you told him how you felt.. The worse thing is to hold your feelings inside and never voice how you really feel. Nip it in the bud.. Plus this could be the reason why your weight is up/down.. Report Inappropriate Comment

DIVARTISTA 9/21/2010 3:49PM

Your mama didn't raise no fool, that's for sure. His mother said it's gonna get rough? No, it's not, 'cause you don't do rough. I have a lot of mothers, spiritual mothers and my NY mom told me, don't do anything once that you don't want to have to do for the rest of your life. At the time she was talking about relationships. Nena, good that you nippped this in the bud right away. I had a man who was an absolute control freak. I let him beat me down mentally and leave me with no semblance of myself. My family was upset. I got quizzed every time I saw him~who saw me, did they comment on my hair, was I wearing perfume, what dress did I have on, why was I wearing my hair loose when he likes it pulled back. Sickening. I'm not one for recommending people to leave relationships unless it gets stupid. I know my Nena can handle herself. Train him, girl, and if you can't, bounce. Report Inappropriate Comment

QUANNA76 9/21/2010 3:23PM

You told him Report Inappropriate Comment

LYNN-LOVES-LIFE 9/21/2010 3:15PM

The man is what he is.. A man, with some f'ed up issues.. My mother was laughin' her ass off when I sent her my e mail blog, and was like.. Thats my child.. No one runs her. She runs herself. You know, I called his mom, and told her all about it. She said to me.. Deamond likes to run things.. HE likes to control me.. And I'm his mom. It's his way or no way, just like a child on the play ground. You play by his rules or don't play at all. She said.. This is going to get rough.. Well, rough or not.. I'm queen bee of my life, and I want settle for his crap. I'm heading to the gym, and I'm wearing lip stick.. Let's see how he likes that.. HAHA! Report Inappropriate Comment

MRE1956 9/21/2010 2:44PM

YOU GO, girl! That's tellin' him! Report Inappropriate Comment

SPARKVAMPY2012 9/21/2010 2:11PM

Sounds like you got your hands full with that one. I hope he starts realizing what he has before it is too late. Good luck. Report Inappropriate Comment

PARKERB2 9/21/2010 2:09PM

WOW!! He's something to think he can treat you that way.That's all I can say. Report Inappropriate Comment

Day 23 &22

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Yesterday was a day of many reflections on my past..
I am dealing with a lot of issues and drama once again from my past..
Let it go, and let it rest they say..
But how can I when this has gone on for way too long..
My current weight is 153.2 and that's good news for me..
My burn for my active day was 4535 and no... That does not mean I've lost a pound.. That just means.. I moved my ass a lot today, and was not stopping until I reached a great breaking point and a damn good sweat... I'm focus.. I am very focus, and when my fiance came home from his mini trip.. I went off.

1... We are going to have to talk I tell him...
2... What I say to you.. Please take it how ever...
3... You just don't know what's going on with me...
4... I'm going to need you to listen to my heart... Because my feelings has issues with you as a person..

Now, I told this man.. I love everything about him, and like he has told me before.. Countless times.. Don't try to change him. He's stuck in his ways..
But when he came into my life. My weight was on a recall gain.. And it was recalling all the weight I had lost in 07-08 and right on in the middle of 09
Now, I don't need a stylist to dress me. So, don't act as one..
I don't need anyone to tell me.. When to go, how to come, and how long to stay gone. I got parents, and I am a parent myself.. I'm a grown ass woman. Deal with it.. And a damn good grown ass woman....

Now then... If you want someone to shape and mold into what you want.. Go out there and find her. Because it's clearly not me you are seeking.. IF you want me.. You take me as I am fully.. If you want to change me.. Then that means you never wanted me.. You just wanted to control me.. And I can no longer be apart of that.. Now then... The bet is on or off, but you will not tell me what to spend my winnings on.. If you still wanna do this with these 30 pounds by 1/15/11

I'm grown, and I will not disrespect you in anyway, and you should be proud of me and what I've done..

If you can't support the woman I'm becoming..
The door is there..
Leave my keys on the table.
And lets call this over..

My man. My dear loving man said this..

NOW! HOLD THE F up..
Yeah, you hold the F up... I'm talking here. You don't say a word..

I go to tell him.. All my life.. I've been the yes girl..
I've been the one who was left standing in the darkness while those men walk into the light. Now, I've support them men 100% just like I support you.
I give you what you want, when you want it, and how you want it..
I open up to you, and you don't open back unless I'm pushing you out the front door.. Now you done had your weekend of fun, and I had my weeking of breaking thur a lot of BS that I've been holding on to..

And I will not.. I will not be this girl.... Who will take sh!t and be quite about it, and shy my way into a corner..

My point has been made, and he has not said one word to me..
Because I told him. Now, I need peace and quite for the rest of the night.. Take it how you wanna take it.. Because I just dished it out.. Now shut up, or eat your words.. That's all I had to say.

I'm waking up..
And I want stop waking up until I wake up fully..
LOVING! Myself....

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LYNN-LOVES-LIFE 9/21/2010 12:42PM

Thank you ladies, He woke up with a different tone in his voice this morning. He is a good man, and in many ways, he is my soul mate, and the one I am with.. I told DF this morning.. I'm going to have to hunt for another dress, because that one want fit me when you get ready to say.. Let's go get marriend.. He was like.. What has taken over within you? My life has taken over, and I will stop passing myself up. I'm planning a trip now, and I told him. I'm doing this for me, and you and your sister is welcome to come along, and her husband for a weekend Va-k in Miami with me.. I'm going the last weekend in July, before the kids go back to school, and I'm paying for everything, and booking everything In March.. This is my goal weight weekend.. 4 days 3 nights in Miami, and you don't have to go. I will fly 2 of my best friends down there with me and we will shop our asses off.. I have no time to sit back and just chill.. Making plans to see things, and London is next on my list.. I'm going to live.. Thank you both for your comments. Report Inappropriate Comment

FITJEANS 9/21/2010 10:47AM

this is something to celebrate . All the hardwork the sweat , the tears wow you got some fight in you girl. Report Inappropriate Comment

ESBELL 9/21/2010 9:55AM

Great job voicing your feelings Lynn. I'm glad you were able to find the confidence to confront DF and let him know exactly where you are coming from! Report Inappropriate Comment