Sunday, September 05, 2010
Dealing with the valleyís in my soulÖ
September 5, 2010
Where do a person like me begin. Well, Iíve always been a loving, caring, give the clothes of my back type of girl. I give my heart to whom ever will receive the gift of love from me. As a big, loving, woman. I would give that love out, as if it was cotton candy. Who ever needed my love, heart, time, friendship, hand, advice, and tough love. Hey! They got it. Everyone got there fair share of love from me.
But this is what got me the most.
I was giving it. I was dishing it up like hot hash, and no one was serving me with advice. The advice didnít start coming to me until I started to love myself. Not really. I just didnít want to hear what they had to say. I didnít want them to know my problems. As far as they knew. My friendsÖ I had no problems.. I was happy go lucky, and everyday with me was a sunny day. No storm clouds in the way. Just all sunshine, and pops of roses here and there. That was me. 24/7. Happy go lucky.. No one saw my pain. No one knew about the valleyís deep within my soul, and no one knew I was walking them all alone.. Well, not alone, because I did have some one walking behind me from a far.
We all know who that person was.. And he walks with all of us. We may not see him. But you can feel him.. You really can feel him.
1998-2008.. My life was a mess.. I didnít know if I was coming or going half the time. Weight up, weight down, and you know what.. I would grab hold of myself for a little while. Just long enough to wear a real smile, and then back to the drawing board again later. Hiding my sadness, and not letting anyone know of my troubles or my worries. I walked those valleyís once again.. Those deep valleyís within my soul, but I didnít walk them alone.
~Losing friends didnít get me down.
~Making new friends wasnít a problem.
~Finding the love for myself was my biggest problem.
My friend said to me today.. LISA
Lynn, you give the best part of you to everyone.. You share your life with people, and you share your heart so much. Why do you do that?
I tell my loving friend who cares so much about me.
I care for my fellow brothers and sisters. I have one heart, and yes it is big. I can be a pit bull at times, only because I love them harder than they love themselves, and I want them to do better and see the way I see. But people donít see like me. People donít feel like me. Most people are out for self, and when you become one of those people. You get no where in your life. Everything is a yo-yo cycle in their lives, and you know what. They will always find themselves on the bottom, and never on top. They might make it to the top of the mountain, but they donít stay up there long. They always come crashing down. I crashed a few times in my life, and the reason why I crash is this. I donít give myself the same love and respect as I do my fellow brothers and sisters.
Everyone who has a child. Their child is my child.
Everyone who has a mother. Their mother becomes my mother.
Everyone who has a father. Their father becomes my father.
Everyone who has a sister or a brother. Their sister and brother became mines.
Everyone who has a aunt or uncle. Their aunt or uncle becomes my aunt and uncle. Thatís just me.. We are family. We all are here for a reason. Your reason might not be the same as mines, but we are here.
For some purpose. We are here to do some service, and that is to give. Give it all, just like Jesus did. He gave us life, and what can I do. I can give someone life and meaning.
She said.. How can you give someone life?
I said. Well, let me explain it to you better.
I give life by telling someone they can do the unthinkable.
I give life when I listen to someoneís problems.
I give life when I give a homeless man a dollar.
I give life when I share a kind word to a woman who is walking all sad and depressed in the store.
I give life when I wake up and say thank you, because I am giving that life to myself, and Iím blessed with one more day to make someone sorrows go away.
I give life when I do his will..
Thatís what I mean by giving life.
We are to love our family, and we are all his children.
We come from the same creator.
Yes, we might have came from a different room, and a different seed, but we all come for the all mighty, and when you give just a little love to someone else. You donít know how that might impact their day. They might smile all day long because you asked them a simple question. How are you? They answer, good and you.
When you get a good and you.. That person spirit just been lifted.
When you get a good and you.. That person just might be on the same level as you. When you get a good and you.. You might have changed that persons mood.. When I tell someone.. And I do this a lot.. I see a woman who is looking nice, and I tell her. You look good today.. When I see a woman looking all sad.. I ask. Are you okay? I do that. I do that extra little step, and I found myself doing that today. A woman at the store was checking me out. She had been crying about something, and I asked her.. Are you okay? She just smiled, and say thank you. I told her.. I donít know what it is. But I pray that you feel better by the end of the day. Leave what ever the issue here at work. Never take it home, and this woman is much older than me. This wasnít the first time I saw her like this, and I do the same every time. I ask her. Are you okay? Never asking her how her day is. Because I can clearly see.. Sheís upset, and she is hurting.
Caring for someone.. Really goes a long way in your life.
Caring for myself started to go a long way in my life.
People might laugh at me.. But I do talk to myself. Yes, I do. Iím human.. I do talk to myself. And it's only between me and the man up stairs. It goes no where eles. not outside of my home. Its with me and him now. And It goes a little something like this..
My daily conversationÖ
Girl, you know you been walking through these valleyís for a long time. Almost 16 years. Trying to figure yourself out, but what is there to figure. Your health is good. Your heart is big, and you care for others. What is it today? What has you so down and depressed today?
Then, my Aha! Comes..
I did do so & so.. I didnít praise him. Sometimes, that may not be the issues, but itís my daily conversation with myself. I have all kinds of conversations with myself, and if someone tells you.. They havenít talked to themselves. Well, I will tell you this. Thatís an out right lie.. We all talk to our souls.. Thatís who we are talking too, and my soul has walked through these valleyís with me. Side by side, and I do not walk alone.
My body might be heavy, but my soul is as light as air.
Yes, I walked through some valleyís, and I am here to tell you. You donít have to walk those valleyís alone, because you are never alone..
Current weight 150.8
Goal weight 125
DAY 37.. BLESSED!
Calories in 2110 I ate yíall. I ate!
Calories out within 15hrs 3965 was I on it.. YES!
Be blessed, happy, and marry!
Saturday, September 04, 2010
There are days when you have it out for yourself. You think you can't do nothing, but you can do more than you really think you can. I've dusted myself off more than once in my life, and at 246 pounds.. In 2003.. I notice I was sick and tried of dusting myself off.
The fat pear. That is what I use to call myself.. I'm juicy, and not in love with myself, and I was a mom to 3 wonderful kids..
In 2004 I started to get really feed up with myself, and I did something about it.. Took a pick with my kids, but this time.. I was smaller and I was 170 pounds here.. And I was so happy with myself, but it took years of getting on the wagon to get to this woman right here.
I do have dread locs in this photos 2 years in.. OH, and I didn't even notice it.
Now look at what I did.. It took me a while, but I got here.. I lost some weight, and I was feeling good about myself, but something happen, and when it happen.. It hit me hard.. My weight went right back up.. No photos of that, because I was very shamed of myself.. I became the fat girl again, and I was not going to just give up on myself like that.. So, this diva had dreads, and I can't find the photo of that, but since I have a photo of my success.. I will post that.. HERE I am.. New hair doo, and loving who I am..
At 170 again. This is when the change started to happen.. In 2008 I had lost a lot of weight, and get this.. The dreads was gone, and that dreadful look was gone from my face.. I was happy again. And you could see how thin I was.. I was really getting there, and in 2009 I went into the new year at 145.
Happy at my weight, and really loving how pretty I can be.. Really.. Make up on, feeling great. Running my life, and in control for the moment. The MOMENT!
Then in that same year.. 2009.. My weight started to get up there.. I mean get up there, and the weight was not going to change... Or was it. But I feel off, because my health started to fail me. My health started to let me down, but it wasn't my health. It was myself.. I ate that.. I did that.. I forgot about the plan, because I felt I had it all together, but I didn't..
Here I am moving my ass to get back on track..
But what got me was this.. I could not really dust myself off.. I could not get back on track. My ex fiance was driving my crazy, and my health was a mess, and I just could not do it. Then here comes DF, and he puts a spin on what my happiness should be. He got me a out fit.. I'm wearing it right here.. We both love black, and we wear a lot of black, and he got me this black short set. And guess what.. I don't do shorts, but I did them for him.. Here it is, and here I was at 166 going up in weight... Slowly but surly..
I was fighting my own body, and I was fighting my weight loss.. I just gave up on me.. Then one day in Nov... I picked up the weights, and I started again. In 2009. I started to fight it again.
If you don't have the support.. You will fall back into your old habits, and I felt I didn't have the support. But as soon as I started to pick of those weights. My son.. My man child.. Started to snap me. WORKING OUT..
Telling me.. I'm going to put this on MYSPACE.. What my mom can do.. And he did.. He posted me on MYSPACE.. AND the comment he got was.. I don't want to meet your mom.. Lifting 80 pounds.. Curling that.. NO! Not a woman.. My son. Yes.. My mom...
Here's my 3 kids, and that night. They all put me on face book, and that's what drove me.. Them being proud of what I could do, and what I had choice to do..
The choice was to move from this..
In 2009 of Nov to what I am now.. 188 here
This, in my dress and feeling great about it... 151.4- 2010 9/3
I did this, and guess what.. It's okay to pick yourself up, and dust off again. It's okay to do that. People think dusting off is bad.. But dusting off is good.. It opens up your eyes each time you dust off, and you know what.. I've been dusting off for the longest, and you know what.. I did this.. I did this for me.. I didn't do this for DF.. I did this for me.. I moved for my life, and I moved for my heart, and I also moved for weight loss, and finding me..
So, keep on moving, and keep on dusting yourself off. Because it will happen. It might be that 2 or 10th dusting off that might get you going, and you will say.. I can do this.. Look at me.. I can do something for myself, and it does not mean.. I failed myself. It just means... I'm ready to dust off again, and I'm not scared to bare it all..
There is no need in giving up.. Because dusting off.. One of those times of dusting off just might be life changing for you, and it was for me.. I am now happy, and I love the skin I am in.. With all my flaws, because I am not perfect. I am only human..
My biggest Motivator... My fiance.. ALSO known in the family as my HUSBAND.
Friday, September 03, 2010
Today I found my dress.. Went to ROSS and there it was. Just waiting on me to buy it. My friend LuLu was at work today, and I had been telling her about what I was looking for, and she told me.. GIRL! I told you to get your butt n here and look, and there it was. My dress..
HERE! Not the best pic, but I had to do the best I could do.
I think I have a better image of the idea of the dress on another lady my photos
Her top isn't like mines, but this is where I got the idea from.. And I wanted this dress for a long time.. Well this look, and I found it in one piece, all put together so nicely, and now.. My fiance said.. I am going to have to find some more shoes, and he is so right. So, I am going on a shoe hunt now. We looked in a few places, but guess what. No one had the shoes I was looking for.. Just plan ole zebra print, and I could not find it.. At all.. Well, I found them, just not in my size.. Looking again this tuesday. It has to be a place I didn't check or over looked, and I know.. I've over looked some stores.. Heading to TJ-Maxx to see if I can find some shoes..
Lisa, she could not go with me on the dress hunt. So me, Df, and my oldest daughter went with me looking, and when I put it on.. He said. It looks good on you, and I was in love with it.. It was just right..
Today, we ate lunch out. I had a few blends and also.. I had no master cleanse . I will hit it hard tomorrow.. I just been to busy to do anything else.. Oh, and I got an over lay on my real nails.. Sick of them breaking.. I love my nails long, and when they break or peel at the corners.. That really pisses me off. Catching those snags and things.. I hate that.. So, I got an over lay. Today was a good day for me, and my burn was 2692 low I know, but I wasn't 100% active today. Meduim work load today.. I was burned out from last night.. Up researching and drinking merlot, but I didn't gain anything. That's a plus..
I hope you all like the look for the court house wedding..
I'm going to take some pics in this dress, because it's HOT!
Friday, September 03, 2010
U KNOW, I HAD TO BLOG THIS ONE, BECAUSE I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH A FRIEND OF MINES. I BEEN READING SUCCESS STORIES ON SPARKS, AND LOOKING THINGS OVER. READING, RESEARCHING ON SPARKS, AND MY FRIEND/ COUSIN GAVE ME A CALL..
NEEDING A RIDE.. GOT BUSINESS TO HANDLE..
ANYWAY, I SAID YES TO HER.. SHE SAID TO ME.. GIRL, WHAT ARE YOU ON OVER THERE, BECAUSE YOU ARE SO HAPPY.. YES MA'AM. I AM.. I AM RELAXED, AND IT HAS TO BE THE MERLOT.. YES LADIES.. I'M ON THE LAST GLASS 1 BECAME 2, BUT I LOVE ME.. I'M OFF, AND I AM HAVING FUN TODAY, AND RELAXING ON FRIDAY FOR ME IS A GOOD DAY..
ANYWAY. I HAVE TO GIVE THIS TO YOU ALL IN CONVERSATION STYLE, OUR LITTLE TALK, ABOUT IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT WEIGHT..
SHE SAID TO ME.. WHY ARE YOU SO HAPPY, BECAUSE I KNOW YOU ARE DRINKING SOMETHING.. I TOLD HER.. A GREAT BOTTLE OF WINE HAS BEEN OPEN IN MY HONOR OF HAPPINESS, AND YES MA'AM I MUST ENJOY MYSELF FROM TIME TO TIME..
SHE GOES.. MISS GOODIE 2 SHOES..
I SAID. MISS GOODIES 400 PAIR OF SHOES.. DON'T CUT ME SHORT.
SHE GOES. EXCUSE ME.. YES YOU MAY BE..
ANYWAY, SHE SAID TO ME.. GIRL, YOU ARE ALL OVER THIS WEIGHT LOSS THING.. I SAID WHAT.. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS IN THE SAME STORE AS ME YESTERDAY..
I WAS TRYING ON DRESSES, AND SHE WAS THERE TO GET A NEW HAND BAG. WE WAS AT TJ MAXX, AND I DIDN'T EVEN SEE MY FRIEND.. BUT SHE GOES.. YOU WAS ROCKING THAT DRESS.. DID YOU GET IT? I SAID NO MA'AM.. I DIDN'T. HUBS SAID.. NOT THE ONE, AND I SAID.. YEAH, I'M NOT FEELING IT EITHER, SO I TRIED ON A FEW MORE, AND STILL WALKED OUT WITH NOTHING..
SHE GOES.. IS YOUR WEIGHT LOSS DRIVING YOU TO PUSH BACK THE WEDDING DATE.
I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT.. MISTER HAS THE SAY IN THIS WEDDING DATE. THANKS TO .. FAMILY. TRYING TO STRESS ME OUT, AND ON PLANNING MY DAY AS IF IT WAS FOR THEM.. WHEN IT WAS SUPPOSE TO ME ABOUT ME.. & THAT IS WHAT HE'S FOCUS ON..
I SAID.. 10 MORE POUNDS AND ONE DRESS WOULD HAVE BEEN RIGHT ON THE MONEY. SHE GOES.. 10 MORE POUNDS. IT'S NOT ABOUT WEIGHT LOSS GIRL.. IT'S ABOUT YOU AND YOUR DAY..
IF YOU HAVE NO DATE TO WHEN, AND JUST A MONTH, YOU WILL BY A DRESS TO BIG OR MAYBE EVEN TOO SMALL.. OR YOU MIGHT FIND THE DRESS, AND SEE THAT YOU CAN'T WEAR IT THE DAY OF..
GIRL, STOP TRIPPING I SAY. IT'S NOT ABOUT THE WEIGHT LOSS, YOU ARE RIGHT. IT'S ABOUT ME BEING HAPPY IN WHAT EVER I CHOOSE TO WEAR, AND THOSE HEELS HAS TO HAVE THE PERFECT DRESS..
SO, WE ARE GOING TO LOOK AGAIN AFTER WE HANDLE HER BUSINESS..
SHE IS RIGHT IN SO MANY WAYS, BUT THEN AGAIN. I DON'T KNOW. SHE KEEPS ON TELLING ME.. YOUR WEIGHT LOSS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE THE DRESS YOU PICK IF YOU DON'T HAVE THE TIME.. BUT ALL I SAW WAS THE DEVIL IN THAT CONVERSATION.. HIS FACE WAS THERE, AND WHAT EVER HE SOUND LIKE. WELL, LET ME TELL YOU. THE DEVIL WILL REPEAT HIMSELF. I DON'T THINK GOD WILL SAY IT TWICE. I WILL HEAR IT ONCE AND GET IT FROM HIM, BUT THE DEVIL SAID IT AGAIN. THE WEIGHT LOSS ISN'T THE ISSUE.. OKAY. SAID AGAIN, BUT IN ANOTHER WAY.
I GO.. LISA.. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY TO ME?
SHE GOES.. 5 POUNDS, 10 POUNDS, 15 POUNDS, 20 POUNDS, WANT MAKE YOUR DAY. IT'S YOU.. THEN I SAID. OKAY..
I GOT.. GOD TELLING ME ONCE.. JESUS TELLING ME AGAIN OKAY HOLY SPIRIT WHERE ARE YOU..
HERE HE COMES.
YOUR DAY, IS WHAT EVER YOU WEAR. AS LONG AS YOU MAKE IT YOUR DAY BECAUSE THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE DRESS.. THIS IS ABOUT THE REUNION.. OF MAN AND WOMAN..
HELLO... CAN I GET A AMEN TO THAT. THE MAN AND THE WOMAN..
DRESS HERE I COME. YOU WILL SEE IT FRIDAY. BECAUSE I AM GETTING A DRESS.. WEIGHT LOSS OR NOT. I WILL FIND IT..
Thursday, September 02, 2010
Hello Sparks, I really did enjoy my day today. This is going to be a short blog, because I am very beat, and I'm having a glass of Merlot, and really enjoying myself.. My time.. My me time. I was going to get some Red Wine, but I do love my Merlot.. A friend of mines who is also one of my workers told me about her glass of wine on Thursdays.. She said.. Keeps the weekend drinking at bay on my diets.. One glass every Thursday night, and it does her body some good. Good rest, and a clear mind in the morning... So, I'm having a glass.. We had taco salad tonight. I used turkey to make them, and a can of Kidney Beans, and the seasons that goes in.. Well, I did have 470 calories on my plate, and I didn't mind it. My fiance was happy, because he does love to see me eat every once in a while, and I told him.. I'm going to eat dinner tonight.. He goes.. What do you want? I said.. Let's dare to eat taco salad. In a healthy way. Now, I should have gotten corn chips with no salt on them, but I will deal with in the morning. I'm heading on down to the gym. My 11 hour burn is 2832, and you know what. I am just fine with that. I was very active, and I did all my programs before we hit the road. RUNNING.. Pay day for my people, and also I had to pick up his ring. THE count down to getting married.. Don't ask me the day.. All I know is this.. He had me out today looking for a dress, and I did enjoy our time together.. We paid bills, got me a load of fruits, and a new juicer.. Mines broke down a week ago, and I've been using my blender, but I don't think I will go start juicing right off. I'm breaking my foods down in the blender.. Let me tell you all about my drink I blended for my fiance, and I want you all to try this.. I loved every drop of it. I mean that really. It was like Serburt in a glass.. It was so good..
1 small bag of strawberries
1 cup of blue berries
1 cup of pineapple and coconut juice.. Used in blending smoothies..
And Spark People.. I tell you.. My fiance was so happy to share that mix with me.. Every day during this journey.. I find myself.. Loving US.. Him and I.. The way we are.. More and More..
You know, he said something so loving to me today.. And I grabbed that love and I held on to it.. The way he said it.
I asked him.. Do you need anything from the store?
He said... I have everything I need.. I got a home, food, and most of all you..
And as long as I got all of that. I don't need nothing else..
Now that was sweet, loving, and it didn't set me back. It just made me smile. All over. From my face right on down into my soul..
That was my day.. A day of running with the one I love, and the man I call soul mate..
Live long, happy lives, in loving God, yourself, and family & Friends..
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