Wednesday, August 18, 2010
13 AND A HALF HOURS.. ME AND MY HRM.. 3403 BURN FOR MY DAY 55, AND I WAS SITTING HERE THINKING, AND READING BLOGS AND TRYING TO WRAP MY HEAD AROUND THIS FAT ISSUES. WHAT IS FAT? STORED WASTE.. THATS WHAT IT IS.. WASTE, BECAUSE IT'S A WASTE OF MY TIME, ENERGY, BODY IMAGE, MENTAL STATUS, AND SO MUCH MORE..
I FEEL DEPRESSED WHEN THE SCALE ISN'T GOING MY WAY.. IT'S ALWAYS FAT VS. ME.. WHO'S GOING TO WIN? WELL, 84 WINS FOR LOSING, AND 84 WINS FOR FAT.. BECAUSE THAT'S HOW MANY POUNDS I'VE LOST AND DROPPED OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS.. 84 MAYBE EVEN MORE. BUT IT PISSES ME OFF WHEN I'M DROPPING AND LOSING THE SAMN DAMN POUNDS.. WEEKLY, BI WEELY, MONTHLY, YEAR AFTER YEAR.. IT'S THE SAME DAMN FIGHT.
YOU STEP ON THE SCALE. YOU DONE ATE RIGHT FOR A WHOLE MONTH.. COUNTING THIS.. WORKING OUT THAT.. CUTTING THAT.. WEIGH THIS.. HOW MANY CALS ARE IN THAT? THE SAME CRAP. DAY IN AND DAY OUT.. THEN YOU GET UPSET.. BECAUSE YOU GET SICK. YOUR BODY IS WEAK, AND FAT HAS GAIN CONTROL ONCE AGAIN.. FAT.. HERE IT IS. LAUGHING AT YOU.. SPOILING YOUR PLANS, AND MAKING YOU SICK AS A DOG, BECAUSE NOW. IT WANTS TO REALLY FIGHT BACK. GIVING YOU THE STOMACH FLU, GIVING YOU HOT FLASHES. SENDING CRAVINGS TO YOUR BODY.. AS IF YOU HAVEN'T ATE IN DAYS. DRIVING YOU CRAZY.
YOU GETTING BODY ACHES, AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE THEY ARE COMING FROM, BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T ( I ) HAVEN'T DONE MUCH OF NOTHING IN THE PAST 4 DAYS, AND HERE IT COMES.. 158.4... I WANTED TO YELL WHAT THE F--- I'M KEEPING IT REAL HERE.. I HAVE NO TIME TO LIE TO YOU. I'M FREAKING GAINING, AND I'M JUST NOW GAINING CONTROL WITH A .4 LOSS THIS MORNING. AM I GETTING CRAZY WITH THE SCALES.. YES, I AM.. BECAUSE THE DAMN SCALE IS ALWAYS LYING TO ME ABOUT SOMETHING.. MY JEANS FITS, AND THAT'S WHAT SHOULD COUNT RIGHT..
WRONG.. WRONG.. WRONG... MY MENATAL STATUS IS RUNNING THE SHOW NOW, BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT'S GOING ON..
MENTAL.... GIRL, YOU CAN DO THIS.. JUST GET OUT OF THE BED AND TAKE YOUR BEST FOOT AND PUT IT FORWARD.
FAT.... I'M AFTER YOU, AND YOU CAN'T GET RID OF ME.. YOU CAN'T GET RID OF ME SHERMAN.....( NUTTY PROFESSOR )
MENTAL.... WE ARE GOING TO WALK THIS HILL UP AND DOWN TODAY, AND WE ARE GOING TO WAIT FOR THE RAIN TO PASS OVER, BECAUSE WE CAN DO THIS. WE GONNA FIGHT BACK.. LOOK AT YOUR BODY ONCE AGAIN, AND LOOK AT YOUR PROGRESS.. YOU CAN DO THIS..
FAT..... GO BUY A VOW, AND NOT U BECAUSE YOU CAN'T DO THIS.. I OWN YOU.. AND YOU DON'T HAVE A CHANCE IN HELL.. I CAN COUNT ON 2 HANDS AND 1 OF YOUR FEET HOW MANY TIMES YOU TRY TO LOSE ME, BUT I KEEP COMING BACK.. YOU CAN'T SHAKE ME, SO STOP JUMPING UP AND DOWN TALKING ABOUT SOME TURBO JAM, BECAUSE YOU GIGGLE. YOU REALLY NEED TO LOOK AT YOUR SELF IN THE MIRROR.. WHEN YOU ARE DOING TURBO JAM. GIRL, YOU LOOK OFF.. MUSCLE DON'T RUN NOTHING UP IN HERE.. SO STOP IT.. CARDIO ISN'T YOUR STRONG POINT EITHER.. GO GET ME A CANDY BAR AND A BAG OF CHIPS AND CALL YOUR WORKOUT A WRAP.. WRAPPED IN FAT WITH A FAT A$$ BOW ON YOUR BUTT..
MENTAL... I'M BREAKING DOWN, BUT NOW MY HEART IS FIGHTING FAT, AND FAT CAN'T STAND THE WORDS FROM MY (HEART & SOUL)
HEART & SOUL.... YES, HE WHO IS FAT... DOES COME BACK EVERY TIME YOU LOSE IT.. ONLY BECAUSE YOU LET HIM GET INTO YOUR HEAD. LOOK, YOU ARE A WALKING BOOK OF HOW TO LOSE, WHAT TO DO, HOW TO EAT, AND WHEN TO FOLD ALL YOUR CHIPS, AND THE TIME ISN'T NOW. YOU ARE ON TOP OF YOUR GAME.. FAT RUNS NOTHING.. IT'S JUST WASTE, AND YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME TALKING TO FAT.. DON'T EVEN WASTE YOUR AIR ON FAT.. GIVE THAT OXYGEN TO YOUR LUNGS SO IT CAN GET THAT HR UP SO YOU CAN MOVE SOME POUNDS..
FAT... SHE WANTS A DOUBLE CHEESE BURGER WITH SOME FRIES ON THE SIDE. MAKE IT A KING SIZE FRY. IF SHE WAS IN CHICAGO NOW.. SHE WOULD BE ORDERING SOME CHEESE FRIES. SO YOU WASTING YOUR THOUGHTS ON HER.. SO SHUT UP.. HEART & SOUL.. ITS BEEN ME AND HER SINCE LITTLE GIRLS BIRTH.. SO DEAL WITH IT..
MENTAL.... LOOK, WE GOING TO DO THIS MY WAY. YOU CAN SAVE YOURSELF, OR GET LOSS.. BECAUSE WE DO NEED SOME OF YOU.. WE JUST DON'T NEED ALL OF YOU. SO, YOU CAN START BY KICKING SOME OF YOUR BOYS OFF THE TEAM, AND DEAL WITH WHO'S LEFT AND CHILL WITH THEM. OR YOU CAN BE GONE..
YOU SEE, THIS IS A STRESSFUL THING.. IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THAT WAY, BUT WE MAKE IT OUR BUSINESS TO MAKE IT THAT WAY.. MY GAIN CAN BE A GAIN IN A GOOD WAY OR IN A BAD WAY, BUT YOU SEE.. ME AND THE SCALES ARE FRIENDLY THESE DAYS.. I JUST MADE UP WITH THE BLENDER AND FOOD SCALE THIS MORNING. MEASURING AND WEIGHING EVERYTHING FOR MY SMOOTHIE, AND ALL I COULD DO WAS THINK.. IT'S GOING TO BE A GOOD DAY.
BUT WHEN I GOT OUT OF THE TUB, AND GOT THAT SIDE PROFILE OF MYSELF.. I WAS LIKE.. NO! YOU AREN'T GOING TO BEAT ME, YOUR NOT GOING TO STRESS ME. WE CAN DO THIS YEAR AFTER YEAR, BUT YOU BETTER PUT UP ONE HELL OF A FIGHT. BECAUSE I PROMISE I AM.. YOU BET YOUR LAST GROUP OF FRIENDS ON THAT. SO, YOU BETTER PICK YOUR CLOSE FRIENDS, BECAUSE THE DOCTOR SAY.. 15 POUNDS OF BODY FAT IS NEEDED.. SO, YOU BETTER PICK AND CHOOSE WISELY.. BECAUSE I AM AFTER YOU ALL ONE BY ONE, AND YOU WILL NOT RIDE THIS BODY EVER AGAIN..
MENTAL.... HAD TO STEP TO THE SIDE, BECAUSE ALL OF THE EMOTIONS..
HEART & SOUL.... HAD TO STEP TO THE SIDE, BECAUSE OF ALL THE PAIN AND WORRIES.
FAT HAS TO PICK HIS CLOSE AND DEAREST FRIENDS, AND GET READY FOR BATTLE, BECAUSE I WILL NOT LOSE ANOTHER ROUND..
FAT IS LIKE MIKE TYSON UP AGAINST THE ROPES. TRYING TO FIND A WAY OUT.. NO EAR TO BITE IN THIS MATCH.. SO IN THE MORNING.. I WILL BE SWING LIGHT HITS, BUT THEY WANT BE KNOCK OUT PUNCHES. I'M GOING TO BE PUSH THE POUNDS OVER THE ROPES ONE BY ONE, AND SEE WHO IS LEFT STANDING.. JUST THE FEW I NEED, AND MUSCLE..
I WILL NOT DARE GIVE UP ON MYSELF. I GOT KIDS, A FIANCE, AND FAMILY TO LIVE FOR, AND. DIABETES ARE NOT ON THE MENU, HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE WILL NOT BE MY DEATH WISH, AND ANY THING ELSE THAT COULD BE A DEADLY FACTOR.. FAT IS AGASINT ALL MY WISHES, AND IT DOES NOT CARE ABOUT HOW I FEEL ABOUT MY FAMILY. ALL HE WANTS IS A PART OF ME.. SHARE MY WORLD, AND LIVE HIS OWN LIFE STYLE IT DOES NOT WANT TO BE A PART OF MY HEART HEALTHY WORLD.. IT DOES NOT LIKE IT.
I GOT A MESSAGE ON MY PHONE FROM DOCTOR BROWN..
HE SAID TO ME. LYNN, I DO BELIEVE YOUR FAT IS FIGHTING BACK NOW..
YOUR HEART RATE IS LOW, AND WHY IT'S LOW BECAUSE OF YOUR METABOLISM.. ITS SLOWING DOWN AGAIN. I NEED TO SEE YOU IN MY OFFICE BY 2MORROW IS 1:30 GOOD FOR YOU. I WOULD LIKE TO GET SOME BLOOD WORK DONE ON YOU. TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS OKAY.. WE MIGHT HAVE TO ADJUST SOME THINGS, OR PUT YOU ON SOME MEDS AGAIN..
MEDS! NOT AGAIN..
THEN HE SAID.... I JUST WANNA MAKE SURE MY FIGHTER IS ALRIGHT. YOU BEEN AT THIS FOR YEARS, AND ITS ABOUT TIME YOU PUT THIS WEIGHT ISSUE BEHIND YOU.. YOU CAN BE LIKE MOST PEOPLE I SEE. LOSE 20 AND LIVE WITH IT FOR YOUR HEALTH, OR YOU CAN PUT IT ALL BEHIND YOU AND KEEP WHAT YOU NEED OVER TIME.. SOMETHING IS CLEARLY STRESSING YOU OUT AND YOUR HORMONES ARE OUT OF CONTROL.. I DON'T THINK YOU ARE PREGO... BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT WITH YOUR OBGYN.. YOU SEE HOW FAT AND EVERYTHING ELSE TOSSES ME UP AGAINGS THE ROPES, AND LOOK AT ME.. I'M A MESS.. GRABBING FOR STRAWS AND TRYING TO HOLD ON TO THE FIGHT, BECAUSE I'M NOT GIVING UP.. I WANT GIVE UP. NOT TODAY, NOT NOW, AND NOT EVER... THIS IS MY BODY, AND I WILL TAKE IT BACK.. DAY BY DAY, WEEK BY WEEK, MONTH BY MONTH, AND IF I HAVE TOO. YEAR BY YEAR.. IT'S MINES, AND IT WILL NOT BEAT ME AGAIN.. NOT THIS TIME AROUND.
ON NEW YEARS.. I WANNA KISS MY BOO IN A SIZE 8.. CAN I HAVE THAT?
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Day 55 isn't over yet. But it was a better day for me.. Better than the past few days.. My calories are up to par, and it's not even 10pm my time yet.. My burn was wonderful 2932 better than the past few days. I've been in the bed, and there is no telling what they are. As of now.. I can't go back and fix the past. It is what it is.. A week of some type of bug.
Anyway, I got my move on. I started to move around a lot more today. Not sitting down in a freaking chair talking plans over with s/he.. Just dealing with the issues at hand, and worrying less about my issues. Once I stop worrying so much. My nerves started to clam down. Then my hunger just went away.
I feel I ate enough junk to last me for a week.
Now, it's time to get back on track. The doctor said.. What ever the out come is.. you don't have to do this to yourself. Go backwards. Just be mindful of what's going on. And I am.. Being just that. Mindful of what's going on with my body.
He named off a number of factors.
He said.. Tummy bug.. Or flu.. I don't think I have a flu, but my tummy hasn't flipped any today.
He said.. 1-999 of being prego.. In your state.. Very slim and thin.
He said.. Thyroid issues could be on the rise again. Maybe.. Maybe not.
He said.. Change in diet.. Body could be lacking some items, and since it's been carbs and protein I'm craving.. I might be lacking in there. Could be.. IDK!
He said.. Not enough water, and I'm taking that signal as a sign to eat. Replacing it with hunger.. I was like.. BINGO! Water has been lacking all weekend long. So I drank more water today than I did over the past few days, and I'm feeling a lot better than before. Maybe that was it. IDK.. But I'm sure I will be just fine in no time.
HE said. In time my body will get stronger, and I will be up and running in no time. Just take it easy, and listen to my body, but don't go with the first sign of hunger.. Just get something to drink and then wait 30 mins before I go feed my face.. Taking that advice and running with it for now..
Thank you all for your comments and support..
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY UNTIL THE EATING BINGE BEGAN. IT'S NOT ME DRIVING THEM. IT HAS TO BE SOMETHING ELSE. I FIND MYSELF SMELLING THINGS BEING COOKED IN THE KITCHEN THAT AREN'T BEING COOKED. I FIND MYSELF RAIDING THE KITCHEN LIKE SOME MAD WOMAN A FEW HOURS AGO, AND I CAN'T PUT A FINGER ON IT. I CAN, BUT I DON'T WANT TO JUST UP AND JINKS MYSELF EITHER. I MAY BE PREGO! WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON. IDK, BUT IN TIME I SHOULD HAVE ANSWERS OR I'M GOING TO BE WORKING HARD ON ONE HELL OF A WEIGHT GAIN. I MEAN THAT REALLY.. I GUESS I WILL BE WORKING IT OFF SOONER OR LATER.. WHICH EVER ONE I'M STUCK WITH.. I WILL DEAL WITH IT SMILING, AND HAPPY EITHER WAY IT GOES. GOD WILL NOT PUT MORE ON ME THAN I CAN BARE. THAT'S THE TRUTH. HAPPY DAY 56 LADIES, AND KEEP ON PUSHING FORWARD. HOPEFULLY I WILL GET BACK ON BOARD WITH THE WORKOUTS. GOING TO TRY TO WALK A HALF MILE IN THE MORNING. I GOT TO DO SOMETHING.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
My 15 year old and 11 year old are in the living room doing there freaking toe nail. Toe nail polish remover is all up in the air, and in my mouth.. I can taste it. DF goes in yelling at them, because my tummy is flipping, and a head ache is growing by the second.. Bigger and bigger... I wanna puke, but I can't do that.. I can't believe these girls of mines. In the morning, they are going to put on socks and shoes and go to school. And no one is going to see those pretty little toes. All that mess in my air for what.. To keep me in the bed one day longer. Those kids.. I'm never going to get out of this bed. If they keep on adding on to my tummy bug.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Well, I've been sick all weekend long, and craving protein and anything with tomato pace in it. I'm not yet 100%, but I can tell you this. I've been eating my butt off.. I mean that really. I've been eating and resting, and the scale wasn't nice to me at all saturday morning. Weight 157.8 It's okay, it's not going to kill me. I just want to beable to get back into the swing of things, but as of now.. NOTHING! I'm pretty much on bed rest.. BED REST! But I'm harded.. I'm going to do a little something until I get back to my 100%.
Day 58.. I went to the birthday party at the club..
Day 57.. I stayed in bed eating this and that all day long.
So, where does that leave me.. In a gain for sure, but I'm so thankful to beable to get up and move. I wanted to do some house work. NO! Lay down he says.. REST!
I wanted to go out and dig in the yard.. What does he say... REST!
I wanted to have come ice creme. What does he say.. NO! You can't!
Well, what do I have- More rest..
I'm going to work it on out.. YOU see.. I can't be tied down to the bed for a whole week and not move.. I gotta move.
DF is coming down with my bug. And I have to move in the morning.. I can't run a business from bed.. I have to get up and move in the morning. I feel up to it.
I just don't understand.. Why he wants to keep me in bed...
I must rest some more if I'm going to break free from my prison cell called BED..
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