Saturday, August 06, 2011
Today, my ex husband did some unthinkable crap while he was in town.
I don't want to go deep into it, but lets just say. This was some un called for crap.
Anyway! I will not be knocked down. Never again in my life..
That's something I put on my heart. I will never get knocked down again.
I'm always dealing with their silly ass concerns and actions.
And I have to say. No more, never again, will I fall to the bull crap.
I will not be knocked down.
I will not be dealing with this crap ever again.
And I will not keep on letting people keep on pushing my back up against a wall.
When I break. I do just that.. BREAK!
But I'm one strong woman, and I will not break this time around.
You can do what you want to do to me.
But you can't hurt this soul.
Yeah, you might beable to hurt this body. And get all up in my face.
But be a man about it. Don't do things behind my back.
That's on thing I hate. Going behind my back to do something.
Like I told my mother.
He wants war..
Then lets bring it.
I'm worth this fight, and if he wants to throw down.
Then lets get those gloves on and go for what we both know.
Or better yet. What he thinks he know.
HE knows nothing about me or my kids.
And to pull some BS like this made me madder than hell.
A man, full of his own crap.
A man, full of BS.
And a man full of not know what a man is.
Having to go along with his 26 year old wife at the age of 34.
I'm a grown ass woman.
I kid you not.
But if you aren't grown.
Then you are simply of age.
And that is low.
This blog might get flagged.
But if you asked me.. He's a low excuse of an human begin..
And I will not have him hurt my kids ever again.
You can bet your last buck on that.
I will never be knocked down.. NEVER AGAIN!
I though my husband was a problem.
But this BS is just tooooo hot for TV...
Saturday, August 06, 2011
So, day 2 is over with. I wore make up again today.
Pulled my hair back with a band, and I did me fully.
I plan on being sexy for life.
I been playing it safe for way to long.
Stepping out of my box has a lot to do with my self esteem... And I know, I have some issues with my size and being sexy. To embrace it fully is one thing, but to not embrace it is another.
So, the thinking cap is on.
My mother goes.
Study long you'll end up studying the problem wrong.
My problem is. My self esteem.
Some days.. It's good esteem, and then I have days where it's low.
I don't care about how I look.
And to be honest with you all.
I do not want to get dress and leave my house.
I just put on any ole thing and go.
And to be honest with you all.
My husband has taken notice.
But little do he know.. It all started with him.
I do not want a hood rat "HOE" of a woman.
His wife. Going from the girl who looked good and cared about looking good.
To not giving a damn because of his actions & 20+ pound gain.
UGH! To see him dress nice, and to think he's cheating on the inside is one thing.
Yeah! I know, that has a lot to do with my self esteem. And it's not good.
He calls me a jealous woman.
Maybe I am. Just a little.
But he's a jealous man too.
He knows, I want cheat on him, but if I was to dress far to sexy.
An argument will break out within seconds of slipping the too tight outfit on.
If the make up is too "LOUD" those are his words.
Then he is flipping and losing his mind too.
Telling me he wants a sexy casual woman.
Like my back ground photo, but then turns around and call me.
Old fashion and a maid.
Yeah! I'm upset in so many ways, because I just want to feel sexy and free and dress with freedom, but still have my class and taste.
So the roles flipped a few days ago.
He was getting dressed, and the top he put on was see thur.
One of those football jerseys with a lot of air holes in it.
I did the same thing he did to me.
Going. You better take your butt in there and change.
He goes! What are you talking about?
You better change or I promise you.. If you walk out this house in it. I will burn it. As soon as you take it off.
The man goes. Okay, I see your point. I will put a tee up under it. But it's hot!
I go. I don't give a damn what it is... Your choice. Wear it without the tee and I bet your last dollar in your wallet I'll burn that MF up. YEAH! I was hot. I was mad, but I was trying to make a point.
A point he had to respect- after doing that to me a year ago.
Yeah, I lashed out on something that happen a year ago.
I never forget. NEVER! I don't mind him dressing up.
I don't mind him looking nice while he go shoot pool with his friends.
What I do mind is. Him saying. What I can and can not wear and how I can dress.
That right there became my turning point on being sexy for life.
I mean. I got weight stacking agaist me. I'm not going to wear anything that is going to disrepect him in the first place. But there have been times when I have and he called me on it. Like my yoga tight workout gear and not having on a top to cover my butt. Okay, let's look at this issue. What am I doing wrong? I have a big butt, you can't cover it up all the time. What do you want me to wear a sheet for a shirt? Come the hell on now. Give me a freaking break. Isn't this controlling or what!
I have long dresses. Because I choose to wear long dresses.
Yes! I have an old fashion style, and I will never wear a mini skirt.
NOW! I want to wear one. And I have in the past at 160 pounds and loved it and went on a date with him, but that was different then. We weren't married.
Let him tell it. But we were living together. So what's so different from then til now! NOTHING just a damn title.. MAN & WIFE. MARRIAGE......................
Anywhoooo..... I did get upset.
I did make my mind up.
I plan on having a nice burlesque style- because I always loved the pin up models.
No, it's tasteful in how I plan on doing it. Tasteful! So, I have curves, and men speed down the high way of my sexy body. Who F-ing cares!
I can feel the men eyes watching me when I dress down.
What do he plan on doing? Locking me up in the house when I get to my goal weight. Going every where I go. Shoot! He better forget about that one.
I've lived for others and their wants for way to long.
WAY TO LONG! And I'm not going to stay in this freaking box.
All boxed in. I know, I put myself in a box a long time ago.
And everytime I try to break out. Here he comes with some lame a$$ Stuff.
NO! Here they come. He wasn't the only one trying to keep me in this low esteem box. I had friends who suppose to be my girls.. Do it too! After a few pounds lost.
I'm just sick of playing into what is comfort for them. What about my needs and my comfort? Am I not suppose to be sexy and feel all womanly!
I mean really. What time frame his he living in?
The trapped up 50's of a black man or the 2000's.
I know how to be a good wife.
I know not to cheat.
I know how to take care of myself.
And if a man steps up to me while I'm all nice, sexy, and hot.
I know how to wavy my freaking ring. HELLO!
Unlike him. I have to remind him to put his band on.
I don't want to lose a diamond. HELLO! What! Why we have insurance on them dumb ass.. Yeah! I'm pissed.
Because, he said this to me.
You wore make up 2 days in a wore.
2 days. Dressing okay and casual.
And I was just trying to see where your head is at.
HELL! It's on feeling good about me.
Where the hell is your head?
I love my husband, don't get me wrong-but sometimes...
HIS MOUTH and HIS ACTIONS can go a little to far.....
Thursday, August 04, 2011
A LONG TIME AGO. I USE TO HAVE DREAD LOCS.
I WENT THROUGH A LOT OF SPIRITUAL CHANGES OVER THE YEARS.
IN 2002 I LOCKED MY HAIR AND IN 2007 I LET THOSE LOC'S GO.
THEY HAD BEEN DAMAGED AND ALSO THE ENERGY OF THE PAST WAS TRAPPED UP THERE IN MY HAIR. I COULD NOT WASH THOSE ISSUES AWAY.
SO, I SHED MY LOC'S A FEW DAYS BEFORE MY 30TH BIRTHDAY.
AND I BECAME... STRONGER, BRIGHTER, AND READY TO TAKE ON THE WORLD. AND DURING THAT PROCESS.. I HAD SHED OVER 80 SOMETHING POUNDS.
THEN- SOMETHING HAPPEN TO ME IN 2009. THIS WOULD CHANGE MY LIFE.
THE MAN I WAS ENGAGED TO WAS GIVING ME THE RUN AROUND, AND I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO TAKE THIS MAN. I DIDN'T KNOW IF I SHOULD SHARE MY WORLD WITH HIM OR NOT. BUT I LEARN FROM MY PAST MISTAKES, AND I WENT ON WITH LIFE THE BEST WAY I COULD. I DID ME. ONLY TO STEP OUT OF THE MADNESS AND TO RECONNECT WITH MY SOUL MATE. A HIGH SCHOOL FIRST LOVE, AND NOW HE IS MY HUSBAND FOR LIFE.
SO, I'M A NATURAL HAIR LOVER.
I DID PERMS, WEAVES, AND BRAIDS WHAT EVER LOOKED GOOD AT THE TIME."BUT!" MY SPIRIT WASN'T AS FREE AS IT WAS- WHEN I HAD MY DREAD LOCS. SOMETHING ABOUT ME WAS MISSING IN ACTION. AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU ALL. I FELT SO LOST. THEN MY NATURAL HAIR MOVEMENT CAME BACK INTO PLAY. DROPPING THE PERM KITS & WEAVES, AND WENT FOR WHAT I KNEW. NATURAL NAPPY HAIR. I WOULD HAVE IT CUT LOW.
HERE I STAND WITH MY GIRLS.
I WOULD LET IT GROW JUST HIGH ENOUGH TO ROCK SOME TIGHT CURLS
BUT STILL. THAT DIDN'T MAKE UP MY PRETTY GIRL SWAGG.
I TRIED MY BEST TO DO WHAT FELT GOOD TO ME.
EVEN GOING FRO..
BUT THE FRO..... JUST WASN'T DOING IT FOR ME.
I WORE THAT STYLE FOR A MONTH, AND I STILL DIDN'T FEEL AS GOOD AS THE NEXT GIRL IN LINE.
SO ON AUG/3RD/2011.. I PLAYED AROUND WITH THE IDEA OF FREEDOM
AND HOW I WANTED TO BE JUST ME. FREE! AND DREAD LOCS TO ME WAS MY DOOR TO HAIR FREEDOM. SO AT MID-NIGHT. I STARTED TO PART AND GRAB AND BRAID THIS SHORT HAIR, AND THIS IS WHAT I CAME UP WITH AFTER 2 HOURS OF WORK.
I FEEL FREE!
I DON'T FEEL TRAPPED. I FEEL FREE.
WE ALL HAVE OUR ON PERSONALITY ON STYLE AND WHO WE ARE SHINES WITH THAT PERSONALITY. I AM A VIRGO TO THE HEART, AND I FEEL MY HAIR IS A PART OF MY ZODIAC SIGN. AND I NEEDED TO CHANGE WHAT WASN'T RIGHT WITH ME. AND THAT WAS MY HAIR.
MY WHOLE OUT LOOK ON LIFE HAD TO CHANGE.
I NEVER REALLY DID GOOD WITH- WHAT'S IN STYLE.
I TRIED, BUT THAT WASN'T ME.
I WAS JUST TRYING TO FIT IN WITH THOSE WHO COULD WEAR IT WELL.
I KNEW I COULDN'T WEAR THAT STYLE WELL, BUT YOU DO THINGS TO MAKE OTHERS HAPPY.
MY MOM. SHE'S NOT TO HAPPY ABOUT THE HAIR CHANGE.
THE LOC'S ARE COMING BACK SHE STATES.
MY HUSBAND. I SEE YOU DONE TWISTED YOUR "DAMN" HAIR.
HE CAN'T TALK. HE HAS DREADS THAT I DID FOR HIM MYSELF.
HE'LL BE WALKING INTO HIS 1ST YEAR IN NOV. AND THEY ARE WILD AND THICK. THAT'S HOW HE LIKES THEM.
ME ON THE OTHER HAND.
I'M NOT DOING THIS BECAUSE IT'S IN STYLE.
I'M DOING THIS BECAUSE.
I FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.
I FEEL FREE.
AND IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD.
I WISH YOU ALL CAN SEE HOW MY SOUL IS BEAMING OVER HERE.
BECAUSE I AM HAPPY, AND MY EMOTIONAL SOUL IS AT PEACE WITH WHAT I'VE DONE FOR MYSELF.
SO, I'M RECONNECTING WITH WHO I AM.
AND LOVING THIS JOURNEY EACH AND EVERY DAY.
AND I FEEL SO GOOD.
JUST TO BE ME AND TO FEEL FREE.
Wednesday, August 03, 2011
SO, THIS MORNING. I HAD A 6AM MEETING WITH MY GROUP.
I'M TRYING TO BE SERIOUS. I WANT TO GET THE GROUP FOCUS.
AND SINCE SCHOOL SUPPLIES ARE ON SALE.
I GO AND I BUY NOT 1 NOT 2 BUT 16 3 SUBJECT NOTE BOOKS.
ALL OF THEM THE SAME COLORS- YELLOW & GREEN.
WHEN I STARTED THE MEETING. A GOOD MORNING CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH AS LOUD AS IT COULD GO. I WISH I HAD A VOICE THAT CARRIES LIKE MY UNK G. BUT I DO NOT.
GOOD MORNING LADIES. I HAVE SOME TOOLS FOR YOU.
IT'S BACK TO SCHOOL TIME. IT'S TIME FOR US TO HELP EACH OTHER. WE ARE GOING TO DO THIS TOGETHER. WE ARE GOING TO DO THE BUDDY SYSTEM, AND TO THE RIGHT OF ME IS MY BUDDY SAM. WE ARE GOING TO BE EVERYONE BUDDY ON THIS 5 MONTH JOURNEY TO OUR X MAS BODIES.
I GO. I'M HUMAN! I STRUGGLE. I HATE DIETS. I HATE WORKING OUT, BUT I MUST DO THIS. WHEN THEY HEARD ME SAY THAT. THEY KNEW, I WAS BEING HONEST WITH THEM. I WAS NOT FEEDING THE BULL CRAP.
WHEN THEY HEARD ME SAY. TODAY!
IT DOES NOT MATTER IF IT TAKES YOU 2 YEARS TO GET IT ALL OFF..
2 POUNDS PER MONTH. IT DOES NOT MATTER AS LONG AS YOU SEE THE CHANGE WITHIN YOU. AS LONG AS YOU SEE THE PROGRESS ON YOUR SPECIAL TIME. NOT MY TIME, BUT YOUR TIME. YOUR NOT WASTING MY TIME. I'M NOT GOING TO GET IN YOUR FACE AND SAY. YOU LIKE BEING FAT! OH YOU WANT TO LIVE THIS WAY. NO! I HAVE TO GO HOME AND LOOK AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR JUST LIKE YOU. I'M A PLUS SIZE WOMAN. I LOVE MY CURVES. I LOVE THESE BOOM BOOM HIPS. I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME. BECAUSE IT'S ME. THIS ROLL HERE AND JIGGLE THERE.. OH, MY HUSBAND LOVES THOSE THINGS AND MY LOVE HANDLES TOO.. SO, I- EMBRACE THEM, BUT TONE THEM UNDERCOVER. HE CAN EASE INTO LOVING WHAT'S NEW ON HIS TIME. AND YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ABOUT THAT. IF THE BED ROOM IMPROVES THEN HE'LL BE ONE HAPPY MAN TOO... IF I IMPROVE ONE STEP AT A TIME. I'M MAKING PROGRESS.
YOU ARE MAKING PROGRESS IF YOU IMPROVE ONE STEP AT A TIME.
I GO. OPEN UP YOUR NOTE BOOK. YELLOW PLEASE!
I ASKED ONE GIRL. WHAT DO YOU SEE?
SHE GOES.. A BLANK PAGE.
A BLANK PAGE.
I GO. CAN YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOU ATE THIS MORNING?
SHE GOES. I DIDN'T EAT ANYTHING THIS MORNING.
I OPEN MINES AND SAID. I DIDN'T EAT ANYTHING THIS MORNING EITHER.
I'M HUMAN. BUT I PLAN ON HAVING CARROTS AND APPLE SLICES AND PEANUT BUTTER AS SOON AS I GET HOME.
SHE GOES.. ME TOO.. I'M GOING TO TRY THAT.
I HAD A CLASS ROOM FULL OF LADIES WHO DIDN'T HAVE A BITE TO EAT.
I DIDN'T HAVE A BITE TO EAT THIS MORNING, BUT LIKE I TOLD THEM.
SET YOUR BODY CLOCK AND MAKE SURE YOU EAT HEALTHY FOODS THAT JUMP STARTS YOUR METABOLISM. GETTING THAT METABOLISM UP IS WHAT COUNTS IN THE MORNING. THAT'S WHY WE NEED BREAKFAST.
AT NOON WE NEED TO EAT AGAIN. THAT HOW WE BOOST OUR METABOLISM .
THEN DINNER TIME. WE DO NOT NEED TO EAT A BOWL OF LARD.
WE NEED TO MAKE DINNER TIME OUR CLEANEST MEAL OF THE DAY. NOT TO HEAVY, NOT TO LITE, BUT JUST RIGHT. UNLESS, YOU ARE ONE OF THOSE WHO GETS A WORKOUT IN AT NIGHT. THEN YOU MIGHT NEED TO EAT MORE CALORIES AT DINNER TIME TO HELP WITH THAT WORKOUT. MAYBE A SMALL MEAL WITH A SMALL BEFORE BED SNACK. IT'S OKAY.
OPRAH SAID. BOB GREENE SAID. STOP EATING AT 7PM.
MY RULE IS. YOU STOP EATING 3 HOURS BEFORE YOUR BED TIME.
I DON'T KNOW HOW YOUR BODY CLOCK WORKS WITH FOOD.
BUT MINES WORKS A LITTLE SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
BREAKFAST COULD BE AT 9 OR 10 WITH ME.
LUNCH COULD BE AT 3 OR 4 WITH ME.
DINNER COULD BE AT 7 OR 8 WITH ME.
FALLING TO SLEEP COULD BE 1AM OR 3 AM IN THE MORNING WITH ME.
MY BODY IS OFF. BUT I MUST WORK ON THAT, AND IF YOUR BODY IS OFF TOO. THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD WORK ON THAT TOO.
OPEN THE GREEN NOTE BOOK.
A WOMAN OPENS IT UP AND GOES.
THIS MUST BE OUR WORKOUT JOURNAL.
I GO.. NO! THIS IS YOUR LIFE JOURNAL.
IN THIS JOURNAL. I WANT YOU TO WRITE ABOUT YOUR DAY.
YOUR EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS. I WANT YOU TO START RELATING TO WHAT'S GOING ON INSIDE OF YOU. ANGER- HAPPY TIMES- STRESS LEVELS. JUST RIGHT BEFORE YOU PICK UP A SPOON AND EAT. I TRY TO DO THIS BEFORE I GO TO BED, BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK IN AND WRITE.
"HUBBY" JUST PISSED ME OFF. NOW I ATE 4 SLICES OF CAKE.
I DON'T WANT TO PUT THIS IN MY FOOD JOURNAL, BECAUSE I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW I SLIPPED. MY PERSONAL JOURNAL IS FOR MY EYES ONLY. THEY WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT I'VE DONE.
YEAH. I GOT SOME STUFF LIKE THAT GOING ON IN MY PERSONAL JOURNAL. AND I'M TRYING TO STOP GOING BACK IN EDITING TO ADD WHAT MISTAKES I'D DONE.
AFTER MY MORNING MEETING WITH THOSE LADIES.
THEY ALL STOOD UP WITH A SMILE ON THEIR FACES.
AND GUESS WHAT THEY DID.
THEY WALKED WITH THESE TOOLS IN THERE HANDS.
NOT ONLY DID I GIVE THEM JOURNALS, BUT I GAVE THEM CALORIES COUNTING BOOKS. RANDOM HOUSE WEBSTER'S POCKET EAT SMART
DIET & NUTRITION GUIDES. I ALSO GAVE THEM MEASURING TAPES, 32OZ WATER BOTTLE, MEASURING CUPS AND SPOONS, AND A PRINT OUT COPY OF DUMBBELL WORKOUTS & CALISTENICS WORKOUTS AND A CHEAP JUMP ROPE. AND A CARD THAT I MADE THAT SAID.
YOU ARE A WINNER EVERYDAY. YOU CAN OVER COME ANYTHING.
LADIES, YOU CAN OVER COME ANY AND EVERYTHING.
YOU CAN MASTER THIS. WEIGHT LOSS DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A BATTLE.
WE CAN MAKE THIS LIFE STYLE CHANGE A GRACEFUL CHANGE. AND WHAT EVER YOU DO. DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP OVER IT. BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF, AND DO YOUR BEST IN WINNING THE BODY YOU WANT.
REWARD YOURSELF ON CHRISTMAS DAY WITH A WEIGH IN, AND REMEMBER. WHERE YOU CAME FROM AND WHAT YOU DID TO GET HERE.
Wednesday, August 03, 2011
IF YOU STRUGGLE WITH WEIGHT LOSS. THEN MAYBE-JUST MAYBE.
YOUR SOUL IS IN NEED OF SOME SPIRITUAL HEALING. I HAD A PERSONAL AWAKENING WITHIN MYSELF A FEW DAYS AGO. I REALLY NEED TO SIT BACK AND TAKE A LOOK AROUND WITHIN MYSELF. I MEAN, I HAD TO JUST STOP AND LOOK AROUND,YOU KNOW. I NEEDED TO FIND OUT WHAT MADE ME TURN TO FOOD AND AWAY FROM FOOD. I ALSO NEEDED TO KNOW. WHAT MADE ME SHUT DOWN. AND,WHAT MADE ME STOP PUSHING FORWARD WITH MY WORKOUTS.
YOU KNOW, YOU ASK YOURSELF SO MANY QUESTIONS, BUT YOU RARELY COME UP WITH THE ANSWERS YOU SEEK. WELL, IT DOES NOT HAPPEN ALL IN THE SAME DAY. I HAD BEEN DEALING WITH WEIGHT LOSS FOR SO LONG. AND I DO MEAN DEALING WITH IT. I KNEW- HEALING MYSELF FROM THE INSIDE MENTALLY WAS THE KEY ANSWER TO ALL MY PROBLEMS.
IT WAS, PUTTING THOSE PROBLEMS IN ORDER AND FACING THEM HEAD ON.
THAT'S THE TASK. A TASK I MUST MASTER. TAKING OFF THE MANY HATS AND THE MASK I CHOOSE TO WEAR. HEALING, FROM THE INSIDE OUT--IS SOMETHING WE ALL MUST DO. BUT THAT TYPE OF HEALING CAN SEND YOU THROUGH SOME MOTIONS AND EMOTIONS YOU DON'T WANT TO FACE.
I'VE FACED MY CHILD HOOD.
I EVEN FACED MY DIVORCE FROM MY FIRST MARRIAGE. I DIDN'T FACE IT ALL THE WAY THROUGH, BUT I DID FACE MOST OF IT..
I EVEN FACED OTHER WORRIES AND CONCERNS OVER THE YEARS.
CONCERNS THAT SHOULD NOT WORRY ME, BUT THEY DO.
I WORRY ABOUT SO MANY THINGS.
I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHERE MY NEXT MEALS IS GOING TO COME FROM OR HOW I'M GOING TO CLOTHE MY CHILDREN AND MYSELF. I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT STUFF LIKE THAT.
BUT WHAT GETS ME THE MOST IS. THE HAPPINESS OF MY CHILDREN.
I KNOW THEY ARE HAPPY. THEY ARE ROTTEN TO THE CORE. IT'S NOTHING THEY DON'T HAVE AT THEIR REACH, AND I MADE IT HAPPEN REGARDLESS HOW I FELT. I MADE THOSE THINGS HAPPEN.
THEN I STARTED TO DEAL WITH THE EMOTIONAL FACTS THAT I WAS TRAPPING INSIDE OF ME. LOOKING MYSELF OVER IN THE MIRROR, AND REALLY LOOKING AT MY VALUE. WHAT I LOVED THE MOST AND WHAT I HATED. THE THING I HATE THE MOST IS MY BODY. MY BODY PERIOD. I CAN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE A SKIN CONDITION. I WELCOME IT NOW.
BUT WHAT I CAN DEAL WITH AND CHANGE IS MY BODY SIZE AND MY WEIGHT. SOMETHING THAT LOOKS SO SIMPLE- ISN'T SIMPLE AT ALL. IT TAKES WORK AND IN ORDER TO DO THE WORK. YOU MUST START WITH WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE INSIDE.
PEOPLE GO ON AND ON ABOUT.
21 DAYS OF EATING THIS WAY. AND THAT WAY.
BUT WHAT ABOUT 21 DAYS OF HEALING YOURSELF.
OR 365 DAYS OF SOUL SEARCHING. KEEPING A LIVING JOURNAL AND NOT A FOOD JOURNAL. I THOUGHT THESE THINGS OVER IN THE EARLY MORNING.
AS I WAS HEADING IN TO THE GYM TO MEET WITH THE GROUP.
I BROUGHT SOMETHING NEW TO THE TABLE.
HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF MENTALLY?
WITHOUT THE MASK YOU WEAR. HOW DO YOU REALLY FEEL?
IT'S SOMETHING WE ALL ADDRESS IN A NEGATIVE WAY.
WE SEE OUR POSITIVE THINGS AS WELL, BUT WE ALWAYS
ADDRESS THE NEGATIVE FIRST.
AND I WAS DOING A LOT OF NEGATIVE AND A VERY LITTLE OF THE POSITIVE.
BECAUSE I PROGRAMMED MYSELF TO THINK NEGATIVE ABOUT MYSELF.
AND ONLY POSITIVE ABOUT MYSELF WHEN IT WAS WORK RELATED OR FAMILY. I'M A GREAT WORKER, WIFE, DAUGHTER, AUNT, SISTER, FRIEND AND MOTHER. I'M GREAT AT ALL THOSE THINGS.
I LISTEN TO PEOPLE. WITH AN OPEN MIND AND HEART.
PUSHING MY WORRIES AND CONCERNS TO THE SIDE AND GETTING ON WITH IT. MOVING WITH THE MOTIONS OF BEING THE BEST ME WITHOUT THE NEGATIVE FEELINGS. I HAVE TO WORK ON THESE THINGS.
BECAUSE THESE ARE MY CONCERNS. AND THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN MAKE THIS WEIGHT LOSS JOURNEY HAPPEN.
IN ORDER TO SHED SOME SERIOUS POUNDS.
I MUST. AND I MEAN I MUST.
STOP WEARING THE MANY HATS OF SELF CONFUSION AND THE MASK TO COVER UP THE PAIN AND THE FEARS OF NOT WINNING AT THIS.
IN ORDER TO MOVE PAST THE WORRIES OF MY SOUL.
I MUST HEAL WITHIN AND REALLY, AND I DO MEAN REALLY..
LET ALL OF THE THINGS THAT HAS HURT ME THE MOST GO FULLY.
BECAUSE. I DONE THE WORK.
I ASKED MYSELF THE QUESTIONS FOR AN EMOTIONAL EATER.
1 I AM NOT ONE AT ALL.
I SHUT DOWN AND I DON'T EAT.
I EAT VERY LITTLE AS IT IS.
BUT THERE WAS A TIME WHEN I ATE JUST BECAUSE.
I THOUGHT- THE WIDER I GET THE MORE THEY WOULD NOTICE ME AND CARE ABOUT MY STATE OF HEALTH. "FAMILY"
NOT ONLY THAT, BUT.... EATING-- BINGE EATING. BECAME A WAY OF PLEASING MYSELF. FOOD FOR COMFORT. NOT A BODY TO COMFORT ME OR TO EMBRACE ME WITH A HUG. BUT A SPOON OR FORK WAS MY COMFORT TOOL AND THE FOOD I ATE.
THEN AS I GOT IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
I NOTICE THINGS ABOUT ME.
HOW OFTEN AT ATE.
HOW LITTLE I ATE TOO..
AND WHEN I WOULD EAT OUT OF CONTROL.
EMOTIONAL ISSUES WOULD CAUSE ME TO DO EITHER OR.
EAT LITTLE OR EAT A LOT OF BETTER YET. GO A FULL DAY WITHOUT EATING, DRINKING NOTHING BUT WATER.
I BEEN SEARCHING MY THOUGHTS AND MY TIME LINE.
AND AS I LOOKED IT OVER.
I SAW WHERE WHEN I WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP.
I WAS MY MOST FIT AND SMALLEST.
TO WHERE-- I WAS IN A DEAD IN RELATIONSHIP AND MY WEIGHT WOULD JUST YO YO. HE WASN'T THAT GOOD FOR ME ANYWAY. NOT AS GOOD AS I WANTED HIM TO BE.
AND MY HUSBAND NOW.
WE HAVE ISSUES.
WHAT MARRIAGE DON'T HAVE THEM.
WE BEEN LIVING TOGETHER FOR DAMN NEAR 2 YEARS.
HIGH SCHOOL FIRST SIGHT LOVE IN 93.
AND THEN I NOTICE.
HE GIVES ME THOSE OFF EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS TOO.
AND THEN SWINGS BACK WITH LOVE AND SUPPORT.
WHO ARE YOU? HOW ARE YOU COMING?
ARE YOU GOING OR COMING? THAT'S HOW MY HUSBAND MAKES ME FEEL.
ARE YOU ON MY SIDE OR WHAT?
SO, I SAT BACK. AND I TOOK THE TIME LINE OF THE YEARS.
AND I PUT THEM ALL DOWN. FROM 92 TO NOW.
GOING FROM A SMALL WAIST BIG BUTT GIRL TO AN PLUS SIZE DO AS I PLEASE WOMAN IN 2011 BUT FIGHTING WHEN I HAVE FIGHT IN ME, AND GIVING UP WHEN THE FIGHT ISN'T THERE. TOSSING IN THE TOWEL ON MYSELF. BECAUSE NO ONE IS GIVING ME THE FUEL I NEED TO KEEP ON PUSHING FORWARD.
THAT'S WHY I NEED HEALING.
I SHOULD NOT DEPEND ON.
YOU LOOKING GOOD.
OH HOW NICE YOU LOOK.
WOW, YOU WORKING OUT.
I SHOULD NOT DEPEND ON THOSE THINGS.
AND I NEED HEALING FOR SO MANY REASONS.
I NEED TO WAKE UP AND HEAL MYSELF INSIDE AND OUT.
WE ALL NEED HEALING WHEN WE HAVE BEEN TRAPPED IN BODY LIKE THIS FOR SO LONG. A DON'T DO RIGHT, LOOK RIGHT, FEEL RIGHT BODY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. THIS DON'T FEEL LIKE ME.
THIS ISN'T ME. THIS CAN'T BE MY BODY.
BUT SURE ENOUGH IT IS.
AND I NEED TO HEAL ME INSIDE OUT TO GET WHAT FEELS RIGHT ON ME.
SUCCESS.. YEAH! I WANT ME SOME OF THAT BEFORE THE YEAR IS OVER WITH. BUT I ALSO WANT HEALING SO I WANT BE DOING THIS AGAIN.
LOSING WEIGHT. I WANT TO BE AT A POINT TO WHERE. I CAN MAINTAIN, AND KEEP THE WEIGHT OFF AND DO THE STEPS IN ORDER TO KEEP IT OFF WHEN I START TO SLIP BACK INTO GAIN MODE.
I WANT TO FIX ME. IN ORDER TO DO THAT. I NEED TO HEAL.
HEAL ALL THE ISSUES THAT ARE IN HAND.
AND HEAL THEM ONE AT A TIME.
I CAN'T WORK THEM ALL OUT AT ONCE, BUT AS I WORK ON MY BODY.
I PLAN ON WORKING ON MY MENTAL STATUS.
BECAUSE. I VIEW ME AS-- PRETTY FACE WITH A BAD SHAPE.
I VIEW ME AS A SWEET WOMAN, WHO DOES TAKE OFF THE GLOVES AND GET DOWN AND DIRT WITH WHOM EVERA. SWEET BUT THIS PEPPER HAS A LITTLE BITE BACK.
I HAVE THINGS I MUST WORK ON.
A WHOLE LOT OF THEM.
AND IN ORDER TO DO THIS...
I HAVE TO HEAL... WE ALL NEED TO HEAL IN ORDER TO MOVE FORWARD.
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