LYDDIECAT   30,776
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LYDDIECAT's Recent Blog Entries

Trusting and investing in myself

Sunday, March 16, 2014

I've been noticing some changes in my body lately. Pants and shirts that were too tight are fitting again. I can pull my yoga pants up smoothly over my hips instead of needing to tug on them. I have an easier time getting up from the floor (I am a preschool teacher, so I am on the floor a lot). I have a lot more endurance for walking, trampoline jumping, and working out on the Gazelle. I'm really happy about this progress!

Right now, I am retaining a bunch of water, like I always do when I am premenstrual, so I am not getting cranked about the scale. I always go up 3-4 pounds, stay there for a bit, then quickly drop them and a pound or so more a few days after my period starts. I've realized that this is my body's regular pattern, so I just go on eating well and exercising and resting when I'm tired, and not worrying about the scale.

I am feeling more and more comfortable with my approach to getting healthy as time goes by. At first, in January, I was finding myself getting worried and stressed about food: was I eating too many carbs? Is it really okay to eat cheese? Should I make all my lunches vegetarian? Am I going to bloat up if I eat a bagel? I've stopped worrying so much about that, and giving myself permission to eat what I am hungry for and to stop when I am not hungry. Do I eat too much sometimes? Yup. Does that mean I am a failure, doomed to be fat forever? Of course not. I'm learning as I go, and mistakes are part of the process. I would never expect my preschoolers to just sit down and write their names perfectly every time they try. They are going to omit letters, write letters backwards, and scribble on the paper. That's part of the process of learning to write. I've let go of expecting perfection and quick results. I remember, back when I joined SP in 2012, thinking that I needed to set a specific weight goal within a specific time frame (lose 80 pounds in a year, for example). Trying to get healthy and lose weight in that mindset was stressful and anxiety-producing for me and I gave up. That approach works for some people, but not for me.

The other thing that does not work for me is counting calories every day. I HATE counting calories. It makes me paranoid and anxious about eating. I don't want to be afraid of food. I want to eat and be healthy. Some people find counting calories very helpful and that is great; I do not find it helpful, and there is no way I am doing it for a lifetime, so I am not going to do it now. I am logging my meals on another site a couple of times a week, to see if I am eating enough and getting enough nutrients. So far, I have been managing to get in the ballpark of where I should be eating, so I am going to trust my body and follow its signals. It might take me longer that way, but I'm okay with that.

I have about 350 fitness minutes this month, which is great. I bought a Gazelle last month (yeah, that weird Tony Robbins cross-country ski infomercial thingy) and I really love it. It was actually a lot more strenuous than I thought it would be. At first I could only do about 10 minutes on it, but I am up to 30 now. I can also balance on it without the handles, which is good for stability and the core. And I can watch Hulu and Netflix while I work out! Bonus! The other thing I like about the Gazelle is that it is my first real investment in my fitness. I have always had a really hard time spending money on myself because I have felt like I am not worth it, so spending $120 on a piece of exercise equipment was a way of telling myself that I am worth investing in.

I'm still loving the mini-tramp too, and walking, now that it is finally warming up. For strength, I'm doing Pilates, yoga, and bodyweight/stability ball/ resistance band/dumbbell videos. I like strength training.

Here's to a great week for all of us. Get out there and kick some a$$, in whatever way that works for YOU!


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUNEAU2010 3/20/2014 5:49PM

    Thank you for sharing about not counting calories. I, too, hate to do it and had not thought about the realistic fact that I won't do it in the future, so why do it now?

I've not tried the Gazelle, but it sounds pretty cool.

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THROOPER62 3/20/2014 5:04AM

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NILLAPEPSI 3/17/2014 9:31AM

    It's good that you notices these changes so that you don't get frustrated.

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MEOWMEEEOW 3/16/2014 7:44PM

    I agree about logging food. It doesn't work for me long term either. It was educational in the short term for about a month, but became a burden. I love the way that you are at peace with your choices. It's awesome to learn what works for you and let go of those things that were just made for other people. I read once that stress makes you put on excess around the belly, because your organs want it available for quick adrenal response. So I highly commend taking good steps and not being stressed in the process. Nicely done!

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BIGPAWSUP 3/16/2014 7:38PM

    Sounds like you've got your ducks in a row. I'm so happy for you. Congrats.

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I'm done with self-hatred, because I'm awesome and I deserve better.

Saturday, March 08, 2014

It's been about 10 weeks since I've started this latest effort to make some positive changes in my life. I'm feeling really good about the progress I've made, not just on the scale and in the mirror, but in my head. I remember writing a blog post a few months ago about having a hard time being nice to myself, but I am finding that a lot easier now. I've been thinking about things that I like about my body and my personality, instead of constantly criticizing myself and wishing I was different. For the first time in my life, I actually like myself.

As far back as I can remember, people were always telling me I was too big. I was the tallest kid in my class, all through elementary school, and everyone commented on it. I have four older brothers, all of whom are at least 6 feet tall, and adults were always saying, "You're going to be just as tall as your brothers." It made me feel like a lumbering giant, when I really wanted to be short and small, like my friends. My sister and I were both early developers, needing a bra in the fifth grade and getting our periods around age 11, and we were both horribly self-conscious about it. All I wanted was to be skinny and flat-chested like my friends. I remember being in 5th grade and getting weighed and measured out in the hallway with the other girls. I was mortified that I stood at 5'3" and weighed 115 pounds.

All through junior high and high school was self-conscious about my size. When I look back now, I know I wasn't overweight, or even unusually tall (I hit my adult height of 5'7" in high school), but I always felt like I was too big. My mother freaked out in a shoe store when I needed a size 10 shoe. She said that she was always in pain in high school, cramming her feet into shoes that were too small because she refused to wear anything bigger than a 61/2. She seemed weirdly proud of this, and was irritated because I refused to do the same. I hated discomfort more than being "too big."

I got my first real boyfriend in high school, and ended up marrying him 10 years later. I knew that marrying him was a bad idea, but I felt like I was pretty much stuck with him, so I did it. He was constantly criticizing me for being too big, eating too much, and not exercising enough. He was always pointing out skinny little women and airbrushed photos of celebrities as examples of what I was "supposed to" look like. I lost about 30 pounds at one point during that marriage, but gained it all back and more. After my daughter was born and I placed her for adoption, the ex and I got divorced and I really began to gain weight. I've put on about 80 pounds or so over the past 9 years.

Lately, I've really been thinking about that weight gain and trying to figure out why I gained so much and held on to it all this time. I think part of it is because it has felt safer to be overweight. If I have all this extra weight on me, then I don't have to worry about being worth something. It makes me sad to admit this, but the weight has helped me justify hating myself. That is terrible. I am done hating myself.

Even if I don't lose another pound, I will like myself. I will tell myself nice things. I will appreciate my legs for being strong and carrying me around. I will get a nice haircut because I deserve to look good. I will do physical activities that I enjoy because it is fun and makes me feel good. I will buy shirts that fit and not hide in big clothes. I will not apologize for being a tall woman with a big frame and size 11 feet (yep, they kept growing. Sorry Mom! emoticon ). I will not beat myself up for making the agonizing decision to let another couple adopt my daughter.

I am DONE hating myself, and it feels great.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NILLAPEPSI 3/8/2014 5:52PM

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BIGPAWSUP 3/8/2014 5:12PM

    Yeah for you! First, I don't see a size 11 as that big for 5'7". I'm 5'1" ish and wear a size 9.

I think many of us have a similar story, I always felt too short/small. I would have looked at you like a goddess!

You are a beautiful goddess! Believe that. Those models your ex pointed at were even taller than you and most of them have larger feet than you do too!! I'm so happy you have decided to be happy with yourself.

Now tell yourself you are a GODDESS!! Cause I said so!

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KATD13 3/8/2014 12:20PM

    Yay! You deserve to both like & love yourself!

We are different, yet oh so similar.

I was always short & hated it. Envied the tall girls, they were so lucky. And then there was that song, "Short People". OMG, a song, on the radio, telling me how much I suck!
Like you, I was very busty, at an early age. Which is NOT a good look, on a short girl. Tall girls can work it, short girls, not so much.

I also had a mother who liked to point out all my flaws. Those words are still crystal clear in my head & my heart. It's hard to get past that. The person who is supposed to love you the most, is constantly telling you that your not good enough.
Then it gets worse, having a relationship with an abusive a-hole. *sigh* Great, more negative reinforcement. Well, 'F' them!

You know what? You ARE good enough!
You are awesome, and you do deserve better.
Just because someone said it, does not make it true. There's a long list of why your amazing. Love yourself, because you are wonderful, brave, smart, & talented. And beautiful, inside & out.
Sending you big hugs emoticon just for you!



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JUNEAU2010 3/8/2014 12:00PM

    Freedom! I'm not there yet, but your blog spoke volumes to me. I am still hiding behind tonnage, but that is only temporary!

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750 minutes :)

Friday, February 28, 2014

My fitness goal for February was 600 minutes...just logged another 15, which brings my total this month to 750 minutes!! Go, me!

  
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JACKIE542 3/4/2014 7:44PM

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THROOPER62 3/1/2014 5:11AM

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KPETSCHE 3/1/2014 1:19AM

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MJ7DM33 2/28/2014 6:59PM

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JUNEAU2010 2/28/2014 6:34PM

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BIGPAWSUP 2/28/2014 5:39PM

    Awesome! Way to over achieve!

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Sick, but not defeated!

Thursday, February 13, 2014

I got sick this week, for the first time in months. It's some kind of chest-cold virus thing with lots of congestion, nose-blowing, sneezing, and now coughing. I felt bad enough to call off work on Tuesday, went back yesterday and regretted it (especially since my co-teacher was not in because her son got sick), and today we are off because of snow. While I appreciate the extra day to rest up, I am getting anxious to get back to exercising again. I've done some slow walking and a little ST this week, and I can't wait to be able to exert myself without going into a coughing fit. We just got about 8 inches of snow, with more on the way this evening, and I am dying to go shovel it, but my husband put his foot down and said no. I know he's right, but I still want to go out and shovel. I will settle for some lower body ST and maybe a little slow walking and gentle bouncing on the trampoline. And if it makes me cough, I will stop.

When I first realized I was getting sick, I felt a little panicky about not being able to exercise. I have gotten into a good place with exercise the last few weeks, and I didn't want anything to mess up my momentum. I can remember times in the past when I had been exercising and losing weight, then got sick, had my plans disrupted, and ended up falling completely off track and giving up. I don't want that to happen this time, so this is my plan while I am recovering:

**Do some kind of gentle exercise each day until I am feeling like myself. By "gentle exercise," I am thinking stretching, light housework, easy walking, and ST that doesn't get me breathing heavily (which leads to coughing)

**Drink lots of water and tea

**Use some of my rest time to continue to build motivation for making healthy choices (look up new workouts, read blogs, listen to podcasts)

**Think of this week of being sick as a learning experience. I am in the process of learning how to make fitness a part of my life. Getting sick is also a part of life, so I need to learn how to modify my fitness plans when I am sick, and how to get back on track when I am feeling better.

**Respect my body's need for rest.

My goal is to let my body have the rest, water, and healthy foods it needs to kick this bug and get back to normal. Instead of being irritated and angry at my body for getting sick, I am going to take care of my body and help myself get well.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THROOPER62 2/14/2014 4:49AM

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BIGPAWSUP 2/13/2014 9:32PM

    Heal up and get better! I think you are right on track with something easy and gentle to keep you moving. Just wander a bit, I know you'll be fine. I have faith in you.

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JACKIE542 2/13/2014 4:01PM

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NILLAPEPSI 2/13/2014 3:04PM

    Hope you feel better soon. emoticon emoticon


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PURPLEPEONY 2/13/2014 3:01PM

    Take it easy a few days and give your body time to heal. You don`t want it to get worse. emoticon emoticon

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JUNEAU2010 2/13/2014 2:51PM

    Your blog shows you're setting a good example - one I need!

Feel better SOON!

Comment edited on: 2/13/2014 2:51:32 PM

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MJRVIC2000 2/13/2014 2:50PM

    This Life is an audition for eternity. God Bless YOU! Vic.

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JUNETTA2002 2/13/2014 2:31PM

    Get well soon

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My new sneakers are rocking my world.

Saturday, February 08, 2014

New sneakers! Finally, a pair of shoes that don't kill my feet, so I can actually WALK again! I am loving it. The ball of my foot on the right is pain-free, and the plantar fasciitis flare-up on my left foot is getting better. Hallelujah. I have really weird feet. I have had no luck finding a comfortable pair of women's sneakers. First of all, I have really big feet, size 11, which some stores don't even carry. And second, My feet are wide across the toe, but narrow in the heel. I could not find a single pair of women's sneakers that didn't squeeze my toes. I finally started looking in the clearance room at Super Shoes and found a pair of men's Merrell sneakers that fit perfectly and didn't look overly guy-ish. And the best part was that they were marked down from $109 to $49.99! I love bargains.

Now that I can walk in comfort, I have been alternating 2-mile walks with walking/jogging on the trampoline. My dog is really old, but still loves to walk, so I take him on a slow half-mile first, at his pace, then I drop him off at home and go back out for another mile and a half. I listen to podcasts while I walk and the time just flies by. I love it.

Today, when I was shaving my legs in the shower, I put my foot up on the side of the tub and noticed my calf muscle was much more defined and kind of popped out a little. The mini-tramp is working the crap out of my legs and butt. Everything just feels stronger. My next goal is to get a strength training routine going for my core and upper body. I like strength training, so I am looking forward to it. I have been using some light weights on my trampoline, doing some presses and bicep/tricep work while walking on the tramp. I have to be careful of my right shoulder because I get rotator cuff pain if I push it too hard.

I am close to 300 fitness minutes this month. Last month I made 600. I will try for 700 this month. Now that I have my sneakers, my step count has gone up. My goal last month was 7000 steps a day, and I am doing well over that. I'm going to raise my goal to 8000 steps a day and see how I do with that.

I'm feeling good, and I hope you are all feeling good too!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MJ7DM33 2/28/2014 7:03PM

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JUNEAU2010 2/10/2014 3:09PM

    Shoes make such a difference! I have very weird feet, too, so I can really relate.

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COLLARANDCUFFS 2/9/2014 7:29AM

    woo hoo :D keep going :D

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THROOPER62 2/9/2014 5:49AM

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BIGPAWSUP 2/8/2014 10:18PM

    So happy you are seeing such great results. Awesome NSV!! I'm so happy for you.

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NILLAPEPSI 2/8/2014 8:42PM

    emoticon Go girl!! Keep walking that walk!

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DMEYER4 2/8/2014 7:50PM

  enjoy your new sneakers. great job working out

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