Sunday, October 05, 2014
Well, I finally made it. I lost 101 lbs. since my surgery which was two years ago. I am glad that I have been able to maintain the weight loss and been able to continue losing weight though it has been slow going. I have had many challenges to face along the weight.
Losing this weight has not been easy. It has been my shield of armor or my excuse. As a shield, it has protected me from unwanted advances. I was sexually molested as a child. It has shielded me from relationships. Never had a boyfriend; after all who would want to be involved with me anyway, I'm damaged goods right? My weight became the excuse as to why I didn't have a boyfriend. It has been an excuse because each time I couldn't do something like exercise, travel, believe in myself, love myself, be a doormat; the weight was the excuse.
I thought I would be excited by my weight loss; or at least more excited. That I would be in a celebratory mood. And yet, I am not.
I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders today. I have for a while but more so today. For the last three years my baby sister has been struggling with alcohol. During most of that time I was unaware of the situation. It was easy enough given the fact that when I saw her it was mostly in a social setting so it didn't seem odd that she was drinking. However, since July 2013, I have since learned the truth. The reality is that she had been on a downward spiral since her GBS and the plastic surgery to remove her excess skin roughly five years ago. That weight was her shield of armor, her protection. Once it was gone, she was stripped away and naked; vulnerable.
In many respects this is how I feel. I am scared because I see her, and see what could have been my experience; despite the fact that I had already given up even social drinking three years before my weight loss. I mostly don't drink at all now. I had been working with a therapist prior to surgery and continue even now. She has gotten me through the plateaus, being scared of men's attentions and opened me to the possibility of thinking that I am worthy for a relationship; which I am.
However, the only thing that I can focus on, the thing that has consumed me since April of 2014 is when my baby sister attempted to commit suicide back then. That is when I became aware of the depth of her pain. The pain and anguish she was going through, which her husband and two youngest boys (16 and 17) had been trying to handle and conceal from the family. Being shut out of her life after the attempt -- because I was the first to arrive on the scene and call 911 caused me great sadness and I experienced a terrible loss. The not knowing her day to day (because she was not talking to me and because I specifically asked my parents to not keep me informed) caused me anxiety and the knowing caused me panic attacks; one of which lead to a trip to the ER as I thought that maybe I was having a heart attack.
Being pulled back into her misery the day after Robin Williams' suicide as my sister called me to tell me she loved me and missed me. At that point, I committed myself to getting her to AA meetings and helping out in any other way that I can. She has been arrested several times for DUI, had voluntary and involuntary stays at a local hospital in their adult behavioral services department, husband has filed for divorce, children are alienated from her; loss of respect at her job and in her community because people just see her as a drunk. I have gone through withdrawal with her; just me and mom. That was not smart. Her desire to continue drinking so that she can kill herself (her words after the husband filed divorce papers; because why get sober if your husband is leaving you) just boggles my mind.
The fact of the matter is that although I wish I could control this situation, I cannot. Though that has not kept me from trying. I feel like Sisyphus rolling that boulder up the mountain (or was it a hill?) only to have it roll back down.
Logically, I know that I have to put myself first. I have to take care of myself before I can take care of others. In my sister's case, I cannot will her to be sober though I wish I could. I can only sit by and watch as she continues to destroy herself. Part of me wishes that I had not been the first to arrive on the scene at her attempt at suicide. This way, she would not be suffering the way she is now.
I've gone to two Al Anon meetings and discovered that I am normal. I have a place to be in which people are not judging me. Right now I am trying to learn to love with detachment and set boundaries. This is going to be quite a challenge.
Meanwhile, I finally hit goal, but who cares? Not me.
Sunday, July 07, 2013
Yesterday I was feeling so very blah. All that I did the entire day was watch television and make a quick run to my parents' house to water their plants and check up on things as they are out of town.
When I get like this, I am in no mood to be around people because it takes too much effort to be around them. I hope today will be a better one.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Okay, so I began Week 4 of my training today. Went for a walk where I live. It is very windy out and it is 45 degrees. I believe this wind is part of the Hurricane Sandy effect. But, I was dressed warmly and by the time I got home, I was sweating.
The route I followed was very curvy and was more up and down (not hilly) than walking the track or the streets of Chicago. So, it took a bit more effort. I was quite surprised at how I felt, which was exhilarated and very proud of myself. Right now, I am just resting and enjoying this feeling that I cannot really describe. Well, this is all for now.
I have been keeping an eye on the weather reports and am praying for everyone on the East coast.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Got my new food scale on Tuesday and I was so happy. I love to weigh all my food and make sure that I stay on track. Only allowed 4 oz. per meal, and need to stay on track with that.
Went for a very brisk 20 minute walk this evening downtown in Chicago. A total of 2.2 miles and it was lovely. A big chilly, but I was walking so fast, that I was actually quite warm.
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