LUZMARIA65   5,779
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Finally hit goal, but who cares

Sunday, October 05, 2014

Well, I finally made it. I lost 101 lbs. since my surgery which was two years ago. I am glad that I have been able to maintain the weight loss and been able to continue losing weight though it has been slow going. I have had many challenges to face along the weight.
Losing this weight has not been easy. It has been my shield of armor or my excuse. As a shield, it has protected me from unwanted advances. I was sexually molested as a child. It has shielded me from relationships. Never had a boyfriend; after all who would want to be involved with me anyway, I'm damaged goods right? My weight became the excuse as to why I didn't have a boyfriend. It has been an excuse because each time I couldn't do something like exercise, travel, believe in myself, love myself, be a doormat; the weight was the excuse.

I thought I would be excited by my weight loss; or at least more excited. That I would be in a celebratory mood. And yet, I am not.

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders today. I have for a while but more so today. For the last three years my baby sister has been struggling with alcohol. During most of that time I was unaware of the situation. It was easy enough given the fact that when I saw her it was mostly in a social setting so it didn't seem odd that she was drinking. However, since July 2013, I have since learned the truth. The reality is that she had been on a downward spiral since her GBS and the plastic surgery to remove her excess skin roughly five years ago. That weight was her shield of armor, her protection. Once it was gone, she was stripped away and naked; vulnerable.

In many respects this is how I feel. I am scared because I see her, and see what could have been my experience; despite the fact that I had already given up even social drinking three years before my weight loss. I mostly don't drink at all now. I had been working with a therapist prior to surgery and continue even now. She has gotten me through the plateaus, being scared of men's attentions and opened me to the possibility of thinking that I am worthy for a relationship; which I am.

However, the only thing that I can focus on, the thing that has consumed me since April of 2014 is when my baby sister attempted to commit suicide back then. That is when I became aware of the depth of her pain. The pain and anguish she was going through, which her husband and two youngest boys (16 and 17) had been trying to handle and conceal from the family. Being shut out of her life after the attempt -- because I was the first to arrive on the scene and call 911 caused me great sadness and I experienced a terrible loss. The not knowing her day to day (because she was not talking to me and because I specifically asked my parents to not keep me informed) caused me anxiety and the knowing caused me panic attacks; one of which lead to a trip to the ER as I thought that maybe I was having a heart attack.

Being pulled back into her misery the day after Robin Williams' suicide as my sister called me to tell me she loved me and missed me. At that point, I committed myself to getting her to AA meetings and helping out in any other way that I can. She has been arrested several times for DUI, had voluntary and involuntary stays at a local hospital in their adult behavioral services department, husband has filed for divorce, children are alienated from her; loss of respect at her job and in her community because people just see her as a drunk. I have gone through withdrawal with her; just me and mom. That was not smart. Her desire to continue drinking so that she can kill herself (her words after the husband filed divorce papers; because why get sober if your husband is leaving you) just boggles my mind.

The fact of the matter is that although I wish I could control this situation, I cannot. Though that has not kept me from trying. I feel like Sisyphus rolling that boulder up the mountain (or was it a hill?) only to have it roll back down.

Logically, I know that I have to put myself first. I have to take care of myself before I can take care of others. In my sister's case, I cannot will her to be sober though I wish I could. I can only sit by and watch as she continues to destroy herself. Part of me wishes that I had not been the first to arrive on the scene at her attempt at suicide. This way, she would not be suffering the way she is now.

I've gone to two Al Anon meetings and discovered that I am normal. I have a place to be in which people are not judging me. Right now I am trying to learn to love with detachment and set boundaries. This is going to be quite a challenge.
Meanwhile, I finally hit goal, but who cares? Not me.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LUZMARIA65 10/6/2014 7:02AM

    Mutelorelei, Thank you for sharing your story. I'm new with this support group at Al Anon, but they are pretty helpful so far. My therapist, as well as my best friend (who also happens to be a therapist) are the "professionals" in my life that I have been relying on very heavily. I am trying to be "selfish"; but yes, it has been a bit of a challenge.

I feel good about this weight loss and the fact that I have been able to maintain it so far. I am so much more healthier than I have ever been. I constantly tell myself that. I'm know I will be happier.

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MUTELORELEI 10/5/2014 1:22PM

    I hope your support group can help you out. You may not be able to feel happy about it now, but you will be happy later. You've got to look out for your health and happiness, not just your sister's.

About 2 years ago, my mom died, but for 15 years before that I spent a lot of time talking her down from suicide, with her never working through her issues properly, not seeking enough help - with me just doing my best to be a good daughter. I would often feel guilty for not somehow doing more and more. Even if I'd spent even more time and energy trying to "fix" her, she was an adult and responsible for her own decisions and her own happiness. It's great that you are there for your sister, but you've got to be selfish sometimes and look out for yourself. It's hard to heal someone else when you need help yourself.

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Feeling really blah

Sunday, July 07, 2013

Yesterday I was feeling so very blah. All that I did the entire day was watch television and make a quick run to my parents' house to water their plants and check up on things as they are out of town.

When I get like this, I am in no mood to be around people because it takes too much effort to be around them. I hope today will be a better one.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BLUEANGELLK 7/7/2013 1:48PM

    Some days are just like that. Tomorrow will be better.

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ROBBIEY 7/7/2013 1:00PM

  I hope you feel better today.
I have days like that and it will pass.
Keep the faith!!!

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One Year Anniversary

Tuesday, July 02, 2013

Today is my one year anniversary of my Laparascopic Gastric Bypass. I have lost 74 lbs. so far. There have been some bumps along the way; mostly emotional but other than that, it has been a good journey.

I am at work and don't have much time to post anything else, but I thought I just could not let this day pass without noting the significance of it.

Actually, it is 6:30 p.m. It was exactly at this time last year where I was in my hospital room (having just come from recovery). My mother and sister were in the room with me and I was telling them it was okay to go home (they had been with me since 5:30 AM). After they left, I called the nurse and told her that I needed to get up and start walking. She said I should wait until the following day. I told her that I was ready to start walking right then and there. So she got me up and going and I have been moving forward since that day.

Although I have had some minor setbacks and periods of stagnation; somehow I found a way to keep moving forward. Well, gotta go. Work beckons and I have to pay the bills. So, I will write more on this later.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

OUTDOORGIRL70 7/2/2013 8:29PM

    emoticon & keep up the good work.

God Bless

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Week 4, Day 1

Monday, October 29, 2012

Okay, so I began Week 4 of my training today. Went for a walk where I live. It is very windy out and it is 45 degrees. I believe this wind is part of the Hurricane Sandy effect. But, I was dressed warmly and by the time I got home, I was sweating.

The route I followed was very curvy and was more up and down (not hilly) than walking the track or the streets of Chicago. So, it took a bit more effort. I was quite surprised at how I felt, which was exhilarated and very proud of myself. Right now, I am just resting and enjoying this feeling that I cannot really describe. Well, this is all for now.

I have been keeping an eye on the weather reports and am praying for everyone on the East coast.


So happy

Friday, October 26, 2012

Got my new food scale on Tuesday and I was so happy. I love to weigh all my food and make sure that I stay on track. Only allowed 4 oz. per meal, and need to stay on track with that.

Went for a very brisk 20 minute walk this evening downtown in Chicago. A total of 2.2 miles and it was lovely. A big chilly, but I was walking so fast, that I was actually quite warm.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SRBSRB26 10/27/2012 9:58PM


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