Wednesday, January 01, 2014
I went overboard in the last 2 weeks: eating all the time and not logging everything I eat. I know why. And I know that it was MY choice to say yea or nay. I didn't do it. I am having issues with some anger and resentment and also a fair amount of stress. I created it, I am dealing with it. In the mean time, I have reverted to doing what is easy rather than what is best for me. I ended up gaining .6 pounds, which I consider a wake up call.
There are things in my life that I am not happy with. I can't point fingers because I am the one who got me here. If I am not happy, I need to step up and do something different. Same-old, same-old got me here, and it won't get me where I truly want to be. SO- this year, I am making some promises to myself:
1/ I am taking my health seriously. Regardless of anyone else's opinion or feelings, I am doing this for me. If they don't like my choices, it is on them. I really don't care if they don't like it. This is not for them to decide and they don't have to live in my body. I do.
2/ I am choosing to do what makes ME happy. I am divesting myself of being responsible for anyone's happiness other than my own, and I refuse to be anyone's go-to girl. I am who I am and if anyone doesn't like it, that is their tough luck. I am choosing to live my life as I see fit, not as someone else thinks I should.
3/ I am choosing to keep in touch with people I care about. I have let these relationships go long enough. I will repair them if I can, and if I can't, at least I can say I tried, I did SOMETHING.
4/ I am choosing to take action instead of sitting on my rear waiting for others to make the first move. That hasn't worked yet.
My life is my responsibility, my choice, my creation. It is time for me to make a move, to be present, to take action. I have talked/dreamed/waited long enough.
Saturday, December 28, 2013
The holidays are almost over and surprisingly, I haven't shown a gain. I say surprisingly because I have been eating my emotions. I live with someone who doesn't celebrate Christmas, and for me, that is somewhat depressing. And since my sister sent her customary Christmas goodie box, it was the perfect opportunity to splurge.
After years of being pretty much strangers, I finally sent a letter to my father about how I felt. He called me on Thanksgiving, and we now have a schedule to talk. I think maybe our distance could just have been my perception, because he seemed eager to talk. I have to say, it feels somewhat strange. So, I eat.
I also wrote a note to my oldest daughter apologizing for my part in her childhood. She hasn't acknowledged it, or my request to be allowed to send a Christmas card. (Due to extenuating circumstances, she and her brother and sister were raised by their father. We aren't close at all.) I then found out (through Facebook) that she got married two days before Christmas. She deleted the photo I commented on. (I am not the innocent here. I have made my share of mistakes in this relationship. I accept that, and I also accept her anger. Most of it is justified.) So, I am depressed about that. And, I eat.
I have my video appeal (I have been denied twice already.) with Social Security for my disability benefits on the 7th, and I am nervous about that. And I am having mood swings due to menopause, so I feel like crying a lot and I want to eat.
So, this morning, I turned away from the food and came here to talk about what is bothering me. I acknowledged my feelings and allowed myself to feel them. I asked myself what would nurture me in this moment. I chose to sit with it and allow the feeling. I told myself it is OK to feel, and did some slow, deep breaths. And I feel a little better.
Nothing has changed, but I didn't eat it this time. I had the courage to face it. I hope I continue to have that courage, because I have a feeling I am going to need it.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
I am still on my journey, still exercising, and still losing weight. In the last week or so, I have been noticing that I have been binge eating. And I noticed that I did it most often when I was letting myself get caught up in a negative head-space. (It didn't help matters that I hadn't exercised that day.) The thing is: I noticed it. And what I acknowledge, I can change.
I am a person who likes to get up and do my exercising first thing in the morning. There are a lot of reasons for this, but mostly it is because that is what works for me. If I don't do it- for whatever reason- I tend not to exercise at all that day. I wasn't letting the cooler weather deter me, and was sticking with my routine. I imagine the neighbors thought I was nuts, out there at 630, riding my bike in 35 degree temperatures. It felt good.
Recently, the morning temperatures have been in the high teens to low twenties, so I have been searching for a way to get my exercise in. No TV and no room = no videos to exercise to, and limited income = no memberships. (I live in a very small town.) Then I got the idea of 10-15 minutes walks, several times a day. I am still exercising, it is close to home, it keeps me warm for a while, helps me to feel better, and it ensures that I am getting up and moving during the day.
That was a win for me.
And from this, I realized that I am still committed to this journey, and that I am not going to let the weather deter me. I may not hit my goal calorie intake each day, but I am still showing a loss, and I can wear my size 16 jeans for the first time in years. So yes, I am making progress. And that IS worth celebrating!!!
Monday, October 28, 2013
After 36 days, I am still logging what I eat. This deserves a celebration. I am officially at the 4 month mark for consistency in my exercising, and I have lost 12.8 pounds, which is 5% of my body weight. I am finding ways to sneak in more water during the day, and I starting to do weight training.
This is a VERY good day!!
Saturday, October 05, 2013
I think about the people I love and care about and how (un)healthy they are and I look in the mirror and I see my unhealthiness and I think that is my lot in life. I so don't want it to be, but I focus on it so much that there is no alternative. "I don't want to get to THAT point!" And I got there.
This journey isn't about a 180 degree, change-everything-right-now, look-in-the-mirror-an-hate-myself, go overboard change. This journey is about small steps and consistency. It is about trying to find one thing about myself that I love-every day. It is about making one small change and staying with it til it becomes a habit, and then making another small change.
This is about taking responsibility for what goes into my mouth, and why it went there. This is about focusing on what I want to look like, and how it will feel when I get there. It is about doing what makes me feel good, rather than what I feel others want me to do. It is about taking care of me, finding my voice, and being true to myself. It is about becoming the person that I want to be.
I will be outside of my comfort zone here, but in the end, my comfort zone will expand as I shrink. Every day is a new day, a new beginning, another chance to do better.
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