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LURLANN's Recent Blog Entries
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Saturday, February 23, 2013
I keep making resolutions about loosing the extra weight I am carrying around, and I usually give up after a month or so because it is 'too much trouble to log my food and measure it." And I beat myself up afterwards and think that I can't stick with anything. And I make another resolution.... and on it goes.
Lately, I have been working on my mindset. I feel that my issue is not with will power or determination, but with my thinking. I have lost a lot of weight before, but chose to quit when I got stressed. That was 12 years ago. I still eat the same (Or healthier in most cases.) but I eat more than I should for optimum health and I eat constantly. This is where I need to focus on making changes.
I love chocolate, and the idea of not having it doesn't work for me. SO, I buy bags of chocolate chips (12 oz) to eat as I desire. The last time we (BF & I) went shopping, I bought 2 bags. Nearly a month later, I still have not finished the first bag, and I have some almost every day. It may not seem like much, but to me it is a thing to celebrate. This is an 'easy' change towards a healthier lifestyle.
As I continue with the therapy I am releasing feelings that I have bottled up for decades. I have also been diagnosed as being depressed and have been for a very long time. It may sound strange, but it feels so much better to have an actual diagnosis, rather than to believe that I am defective. And having that knowledge empowers me. This is something that I can do something about. I probably won't 'fix' it in a week, but I can work with it. As I saw in a video on youTube, (If I ever find it again, I will post the link.) I believe : Just because I can't do it today, doesn't mean I can't do it SOMEDAY.
I am working on feeling safe with my emotions and taking care of ME. It isn't easy after so many years of eating my feelings and feeling unworthy. It will take some time to get used to this. The thing is that now I have hope, and that is a good thing.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
I got on the scale today and I am at 235. I thought about my habits and my life, and I realized that my health is more important than a number. I can't keep going through my life being numb. It leads to mediocrity. If I keep waiting for the perfect time to start getting healthy, I will never do it. I can't wait until I have enough money, or until the weather gets better, or the BF stops offering me food, or until I can eat the way I would prefer. It is an excuse to stay numb, to keep the status quo.
I was meditating earlier this week and I got the message "This is scary". This thought was in regards to living the life I want: to be healthy, wealthy, and happy. And I thought to myself, 'Yes, it is." And I released it. I realized that it is OK to be afraid. It is natural. And accepting and releasing it has helped me to be more at peace with my life. So I made the decision this morning to just go for it.
There is no better time than now to get healthy. I may not be able to walk like I used to, but I can ride a bike, so I bought me a bike. I have a place to ride it, and I have the inspiration to move forward. I am not giving up anything other than procrastination and poor health. I even had chocolate chips for breakfast. : )
As long as I maintain my awareness and take the time to measure EVERYTHING, I will be ok. It will help me to stay within my range, and that will help me to get healthier. Now, I need to go get ready. I have a bike waiting for me. : D
Thursday, December 20, 2012
I read an article today on self-compassion, and it really struck a nerve with me. I got to thinking about it, and I am SO hard on myself, "Comparing my every day life to XXX's highlight reel.", among other things. I am so quick to compare me to the pictures/posts I see, completely disregarding my uniqueness and value. I am me, not the person I am comparing myself to, and I am OK. So I weigh 233. That number is not who I am, it doesn't define me. I weigh 233. The number is neither good nor bad, it just is. This is where I am. I need to accept it and not judge myself by it.
As I was thinking about self-compassion, I got to thinking about MY weight loss journey. Overall, my diet is pretty healthy. I eat very little processed foods and am a ovo-lacto-pescetarian. I don't eat organic, and eat a LOT of soy. I love sugar.  My challenge lies in my lack of awareness. And I realized that it is not just not paying attention to what I put in my mouth, either. It goes much further than that.
I don't 'pay attention' to the challenges that are around me that will affect my efforts at weight loss. AND I look at my journey as 'hard', 'a struggle', 'a lot of effort'. and 'giving up what I love'. With an attitude like that, I am not surprised I am having issues. I need to stop judging myself for failed attempts: They showed me what didn't work. However, each attempt gave me something useful. I it is up to me to figure out what that is.
Losing weight is only as hard as I MAKE IT. I make it harder when I don't make a plan for the BF's offers of food. And when I don't make a plan for eating out. (Which we do frequently.) Or when I don't log all that I eat because I am too busy beating myself up for a slip-up. Or when I don't measure my food because it 'takes too much time.' The underlying issue here is lack of awareness, lack of attention to what I am doing. And I resent having to pay attention to what I am doing.
I feel that I am not worthy of the attention that will get me where I want to be. I want to wake up tomorrow and be thin, no effort/awareness involved. And I feel that I don't deserve the attention and awareness. And, ultimately, I don't want to face the feelings I have stuffed/eaten for years, or to give up the numbness. Because I let food become like a drug. And giving it up means facing my past.
Monday, December 17, 2012
I joined SparkPeople earlier this year because I wanted to be fit and to lose weight. And I quit. I seem to be good at doing that. I get motivated and do well for a month or so, then I give up. I can usually find someone or something to point my finger at as to why I quit. I get bored, it is too much effort, the BF keeps offering me food I don't want or need, the list goes on. What it boils down to is that I quit. And I beat myself up about for months afterwards.
I get inspired by people who lose weight, or by seeing pictures of what I don't want to be, and I start again, usually 2-3 times a year. I joined WW once and lost 78 pounds. And quit. This is a pattern for me, and I decided to see a therapist about it. I feel that part of my quitting is due to not wanting to attract attention. With my history of abuse, being invisible was a good thing, and I was very good at it. Now, I am learning that it is OK to have needs, and to let others know what they are. And it is SO scary! I have been ultra-responsible my whole life and very much a perfectionist. I have also been very self-sufficient, so admitting I need help with something is not done.
I want to do this. I weighed this morning, and am 233.4. Only once in my life have I weighed more than that. I don't like it. I don't like how I feel, I don't like how I look, and I don't like the little comments the BF makes about my size. I was not meant to be this large, and I know it. I want to change. And I point my fingers at the BF, my limited income, my disability, the lack of room in my house, ad nauseum, as to why I can't.
What it all boils down to is that, for my health and my self-esteem, I have to admit that I am fat. Not overweight, not obese, FAT. And for all my finger-pointing, I am responsible for it. If this condition is going to change, I have to do something about it. (I have been trying to avoid that.) Not when the conditions are right, because I can always find an excuse to quit. I need to be present to my life and accept that I am responsible not only for where I am right now, but also for the inspiration needed to get to where I want to be.
If I am going to change, I need to to do something different, I need to plan for eating out. I need to log my food, even when I don't feel like it. I need to find an exercise I can do regardless of the room I have or the weather. I need to measure ALL my food, not just part of it. AND I need to be honest about what I eat. I am only hurting myself when I 'lie'. And I think most importantly, I need to admit that I can't do this alone. I need help.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Through most of my life, I have tended to float by, not making waves or statements. I have hid in the corner trying to be invisible and 'going with the flow'. I haven't made a real commitment to anything. SO, for the month of April, I am committing to weighing/measuring my food, daily exercise, and staying within my calorie range. I am also meditating and doing some personal work each day. I am excited about this and want to see where I am in 30 days. 30 days isn't a long time, really. I just want to see where I am when I commit to something and follow it through.
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