Tuesday, January 11, 2011
I have come to realize I need to find balance. I am on day 9 of my journey to a healthier me and have realized that it has become all or nothing with me. Well I already knew I was well am an extremist. I tend to become consumed with things to go beyond giving it my all. When I was in school I would spend hours on end editing my papers and rewriting them to make them perfect. Many times I would have to turn in work that I thought was awful due to an approaching deadline and then be floored when I received an A. When I got my first A- (in statistics, ugh I hate math) I cried. I graduated with a 3.94 and had to realize that perfection would only hurt me and that I gained more from making mistakes and then learning from them. Until I got my degree in August of last year school was my obsession. Well now I have a new obsession....SparkPeople. Well not just Spark but the whole weight loss/getting healthy journey. For the last nine days I've spent all day on this site tracking my nutrition, water, fitness, sparkpoints, etc. It's been all about this. I haven't been doing anything else but focusing on this.
So then of course a few days ago reality set in. There is more to life than exercising, tracking, and earning points. I still need to find a job, I still have errands to run, laundry to do, a life to live. So yesterday I actually played a game for a bit and being obsessive I ended up playing for hours. Well during those hours I forgot to drink water and ended up trying to shove all my water and half of my calories into a few hours before bed. I did it but I also felt awful. Now for my confession. I was short 3 carbs. I know what's 3 carbs but you see that is my obsession. So instead of accept my failure or humanity or just the fact that I couldn't find any more carbs without going over calories I changed the goal. I shortened it by 3 to be at least 160 carbs instead of 163. All so I would miss the streak so I wouldn't have that failure staring me in the face. I cheated so I wouldn't get that first A-. I know its ridiculous but I feel guilty. I feel wrong like a failure and a cheat.
Okay so forget beating myself up for missing 3 carbs I have admitted my failure and am moving on. Today of course life has continued and I did not melt away into oblivion for missing those 3 carbs. Today I tried to do something worse. Today I tried to skip my workout. I had many errands to run today and as I said I've been obsessing so these errands have needed to be done for a few days now. Well I went out first thing knowing that if I put them off I would miss out on another day. Well by the time I got home it was about 4:00 and I still hadn't done my strength training or daily cardio. I actually thought about just skipping especially since I hadn't taken Sunday off like I had planned. This is when I realized that I needed balance. I can't allow this to consume my life but at the same time I can't allow life to take away my goals. There has to be balance a fine line between all and nothing. So I made time for my workout and I've admitted to my missing carbs. Tomorrow I will continue on my journey but will strive for more balance. I won't give up but I won't allow it to consume me either.