Monday, September 26, 2011
It's been a long time since I made a blog post. I'd love to give an update on my amazing weight loss and success but really I've been hiding from the disappointment and sense of failure I have. Many months ago I developed a pain in the arch of my foot when I ran or when I walked or really anytime. Being unable to go to the doctor I did all I could to heal and get back into it. Unfortunately my foot took longer to heal than I had hoped and I started to lose my progress and slowly the weight started to creep back on.
For a while I blamed my foot and how I couldn't walk, do aerobics, or really anything at all. Not to mention my new job and how busy I was working and just didn't have time to work out. It was becoming excuse after excuse. First the exercise, then the eating right, and finally the water consumption all disappeared and with that the weight I had lost found its way back. I had gotten into a size 6 and was one pound away from reaching the 130's. Now I struggle to stay away from 150 and going back over into that dreaded overweight category. My size 6's don't fit and some of my 8's are started to be uncomfortable and tight. I've lost my motivation.
After dwelling and lamenting on my failure I came to realize a major problem I was having. I had been doing everything based on my running. I ate right so I could run, I drank water so I could run, I exercised for cross training so I could run. EVERYTHING I did was for my running. The weight loss was just an added benefit. When I lost my running I let everything else slip away because there was no reason for it. I started this to lose weight and found a passion in my running and once that was gone so was everything else. Perhaps passion is the wrong word perhaps what I did was find a new addiction. I started running two weeks after quitting smoking and that became my new addiction; the thing I did when I was hungry, bored, or stressed. Thankfully I haven't had any desire to start smoking again but now it is back to the eating when I'm bored.
So here it is... I've gained 8 pounds (sometimes 10), have stopped exercising completely, barely drink 3 glasses of water a day, make more and more unhealthy eating choices, and am about to need a whole new wardrobe. I'm fighting depression and stress and have done nothing to help myself. All I can think about is running. I sat and watched the Biggest Loser the other day and all I wanted was to get up and go out an run (even though it was the middle of the night) but I'm worried about my foot. I'm scared I'll injure myself forever so instead of trying I just sit there making excuses.
I don't know how to get my motivation back. I don't know how to make this about being healthy instead of about running. I dont' even know how to get my running back. I figured I would get a new pair of shoes and then start running again but I think I'm scared. This is the second time I've gone down to injury and I'm worried about losing everything permanetly. I dont' know how to balance and I often obsess and take things to the extreme. I am an all or nothing kind of person and I think that comes from my addictive personality. Really I just don't know what to do anymore but I figured finally talking about it and no longer hiding and making excuses was a good first step.
I need to stop being an extremist. I need to stop focusing on only work and my failures. I need to stop being scared. I need to try and run again and IF that isn't an option there are others I need to find. I mean I have a free gym at work for goodness sake. I shouldn't have any excuses!! Ugh I'm just so frustrated and I need to get back into it. I'm going to miss the 10K I planned on running since February when I ran my first 5K and then of course there was the adventure run I had planned for late November to run with my son. It's all gone unless I get off my rear and fix it. Now if I can only figure out how.
Monday, April 04, 2011
Last Monday along with the fear and stress of my daughter being in the hospital I realized I was having some discomfort during my run. On the inside of my right foot from the instep up to the ankle (there's a little meaty part that sticks out) I was having some pain. Well it wasn't pain so much as discomfort. I could keep running (and I did) but it never let up and got steadily worse. I wasn't able to run on Wednesday because I was with my daughter and watching my granddaughter but when I ran again on Friday the pain was still there and was actually worse. I have been doing strength training (SP 28 day challenge) and my running has been my cardio. Now I figure I should take a little bit of time off from running. The pain seems to only come when I am doing a high impact exercise such as running, certain kickboxing moves, aerobics, and jumping rope. I'm not sure if it is a muscle, tendon, or ligament or even what I did. I don't remember twisting, turning, falling, or even having a misstep. I have no idea but what's worse is without my running I have no idea what to do. I finished the 28 day challenge so now I don't even know what to do. I miss my running even though today was the only day so far that I have missed. I feel lost and am afraid I will start to gain weight from not exercising. To top it all off I've been tired and down all day. I know I need and want to exercise but I do not have the money or access to a gym or equipment. All I have are my own two feet, Spark, a set of 5 pound dumbbells, and the internet. I've checked out the videos on here but most have areas of high impact. I'm afraid I will keep my foot messed up and not be able to run for longer. Erg I'm so frustrated. I take great care to try and not injure myself (no insurance so if I get hurt I have to stay that way) and to continue my healthy journey. Ugh I just don't know what to do. I want to go run but I'm afraid I'll just get hurt more. Has anyone else had a similar injury or know anything I can do to help recover so I can run again? Any suggestions on how to exercise and get cardio in without my beloved running? Ugh I just want to be healthy and continue on but without running I'm just lost.
This is me in the beginning. At least 158 if not more.
On another note I have officially been active on Spark for 90 days. I have lost 16 pounds, 6 inches off my waist (a few inches elsewhere too), and am officially in a size 6. I'm feeling great about it even though my clothes are too big and I can't afford new ones LOL. I'm looking decent if I do say so myself.
This is me at the end of February right after my first 5K at 147
And this is me now at 142 and in a size 6.
Here is a side view.
I don't know that I see a huge difference in the pics but I know I haven't been able to wear a size six for a very, very long time. I even tried on one pair that I could have slipped off without unbuttoning. I'm still kind of weird though because there are pairs of 8's that are still too tight. Oh well I'm not done but I can see progress and I like it. I just hope that my foot doesn't cause me to lose everything. I'm still focusing on food (although with my daughter in the hospital I was eating out too much) and staying within all my ranges. I'm almost half way to my goal and I'm starting to feel better about myself but there is still a long road ahead.
Friday, April 01, 2011
My baby girl came home on Wednesday and its been good having her back. She has a long road to recovery but thankfully should be okay. In order to keep the infection from returning the wound has to be left open so she has a gaping hole in her upper right arm. She has been fitted with a wound vac which basically sucks out any fluids that start to build in the wound. We call it her leech but basically it's a vacuum that is attached to the wound itself and can be quite painful for her. I'm so happy that she's home and that she will be okay but it has been a challenge to help her and for her to adjust to not being able to use her arm. She can't dress herself, bathe herself (she's not allowed to get the arm wet), drive, carry anything over 10 pounds (including her daughter), and most normal activities cause her pain. She has to be driven to her wound care appointments three times a week which is challenging with my 3 year old and her 1 year old in tow. For a highly independent 19 year old this has been difficult but the most important thing is that she will be fine, did not lose her arm, and thankfully is still here to complain about being bored and going stir crazy. Thank you all for your prayers, well wishes, and encouragement. We all appreciate it!!
Get An Email Alert Each Time LUNATIFF Posts