Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Lately I've been in a battle. A battle with myself and weight, my thoughts, my emotions. How being 190 makes me feel. I remember dates in my life by weight. I graduated high school at 135, found out I had over active thyroid 148 got married (10-10-08) at 165, now I'm 190. A LOT of that deals with that I'm an emotional eater. I've moved away from my family and friends, everything I knew to be with my husband. Not one fiber in me is regretting that or anything. that was the best thing I ever did. Just wanting to state that and put that out there.
I've been wanting to work out again and more lately. Although I feel as if it's hopeless. I NEVER lose more than 5-10 pounds and the 10 is like only happened once in the past two years and gained it RIGHT back. It's so hard for me to keep going when I don't see results.
YES I know it's for the health, it's to feel better, it's for me and not about numbers. But losing weight should be about losing some amount. I'm so freaking tired of my thighs rubbing, boob sweat, me looking over and over at myself in the mirror how a shirt will fit me and if it's a tad to small...goes into a drawer and who knows when it will be shown again.
I know it won't happen over night, I know it won't. I know that it took months to put on and so will take longer to take off. But I've worked out three months for EVERY day just about (5 days a week) and only lost 4-5 pounds. At that point I just feel like I'm on a treadmill and never going to reach my goal. I feel like it's endless and only kidding myself.
My lovely husband says and tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. Yet I want to feel sexy. I want to be excited to get dressed instead of hating and dreading it b/c it's a matter of.."well what will fit me today". It's depressing and hard to get by that.
I need to do this for me, I need to do this for me emotionally and yet to loose weight. I would say my goal weight is 150 but right now I feel that will never happen. I feel like it's just so far away. I know a lot of my weight is in my thighs and stomach. Although my stomach is always the first to tone as well as my outer thighs. It's those stupid areas that's hard to reach.
I'm sitting here at the computer trying not to be nervous for a zumba class that I'm going to tonight with a friend. She just asked me to go and yet I'm nervous? why am I nervous? B/c I may look dumb? B/c I have to wear spandex so I don't get a rash from my thighs, what is it? b/c of I may get a work out and love it? B/c I may be bad at it? Yet as I type this I'm fighting tears.
I'm honestly tired of being like this but NO idea how to change it. I have people that support me yet I feel as if I don't. I know they do but it's so hard to keep going b/c I find I'm always the cheerleader but when I need it the most, no one is there cheering or they get tired of me thinking it's going no where. When I feel that way at times my husband just thinks I'm being crazy and obsessive and I just should keep on with it. Well your a man and it's easier for you to lose weight, which I hate.
I don't know why I'm saying all of this but I think I needed to for me, to be honest with myself and be able to face everything. I have to, I need to.
Although I did do some things today with my bender ball, that's a good start right?