LPARKER75   4,470
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It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Just needing to vent. I just feel so down today. Somedays it's just hard to feel positive about anything.

My boyfriend and I live together. Last week he spent the week in Florida visiting his family. So I missed him... but it was also nice to have some time to myself. This week he is back and it just seems like I am being ignored. Twice this week he has cut me off mid-sentence on the phone to take someone else's call. He never called me back or expressed any interest in continuing our conversation. Today he calls me while I'm at work and says he's going to his cousin's house to visit tonight. He did ask if I wanted to go, but I don't want to get home at 10pm tonight. I have things I have to do at home and for school tonight. So maybe I should feel glad he is gone... but I can't. I feel angry and neglected... but of course this has been building up for a long time.

Monday night we went out to dinner. Now I love spinach/artichoke dip. I have begged him to try this with me in the past and he wouldn't do it. He says he doesn't like artichokes. Well, that night he ordered some to just taste it and see if he liked it or not. He knows I can't have any because I am trying to loose weight and stay under my calorie count each day. Why would he wait until I can't have any to try it in front of me instead of sharing it with me in the past when I have asked him to.

Granted these things all qualify as the "small stuff" that we aren't supposed to sweat right? I don't know why it is bothering me so much... but it is. Then again, it's been building up for a long time.

We have been together for two years and 2 months. He has not so much as kissed me for at least a year and a half. We don't have sex because he is hurt. Right now it's because of his rotator cuff injury. Before that it was because of pain in his legs. He had to have surgery to close up some veins. I am trying to be patient and loving and understanding, but it's getting to me. I don't get why he can't give me a real kiss even if he isn't able to do anything else.

Everytime I try to talk to him he either gets angry and threatens to leave, threatens to kill himself, or he starts talking about how he doesn't deserve me and how horrible he is so that I will feel guilty for even saying anything. Seems he does anything but discuss the issues with me and care about how I feel or talk about possible ways to make some changes.

Last time I said something to him about my feelings being hurt because he put a wooden toy chest together for his cousins wife while I have been waiting for 2 months for him to fix the coat rack that he broke when he fell on it- he yelled at me "I'm sorry I hurt your damn feelings!" So I don't feel like I can tell him anything. I feel like my feelings are nothing but a burden to him... like I would be the perfect girl if only I didn't FEEL.

I have asked and asked about going to counseling, but he says we can't afford it. But when he gets money he blows it on a bunch of stuff... like guns, a new radio for his truck, new boots, just whatever he has been wanting. I just want to matter... and I'm really not feeling like I do. He hugs me all the time, says he loves me, and kisses me on the cheek. But this isn't enough to make me feel like I am in a relationship... a real relationship- a partnership with someone who values me for who I am.

There are so many other things that are bothering me... but I can't list them all here tonight. It would take way too long. I just needed to get some stuff off my chest so I can attempt to think clearly enough to do my homework and some laundry.

Ever feel like you need to cry...like your soul is crying on the inside of you... but you can't bring it to the surface and let it out? This is how I feel tonight. Hoping that tomorrow is better.

God Bless!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUMMER2203 4/26/2013 4:00PM

    i think that everyone has given you really smart advice. like everyone else has said, i dont know the ins and outs of your relationship. but i think there comes a point where you have to honestly weigh whether your relationship makes you more happy than it does sad/upset....as simply as that. sometimes loving somebody makes it hard to make this distinction, but it is worth really thinking about. this is your life, and you deserve to enjoy it.

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BAKER1009 4/18/2013 12:14PM

    First - why would someone comment "nice blog"?! Ugh, people.

I am so sorry that all of this is weighing on you. It sounds like he certainly has some issues that he needs to work on. But it also sounds like he is depending on you, in a big way. Could he afford to live on his own? Just curious.

I know you love him, but if he can't respect you enough to talk with you and work with you, then maybe your relationship has come to an end? I just know that you're a beautiful person and you do not deserve to be held back by someone who doesn't love you for who you are and hold you to a certain level of awesomeness.

Vent to us anytime if it helps you. We're here for you!!

P.S. Nikki might be onto something with the idea that he's depressed. If he's injured, that could sure be part of the problem. But it's not your problem if he won't talk to you about it.

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MISHAMW 4/18/2013 11:14AM

    I agree with Nikki, but in all honesty I had a relationship similar to this, and I ended up raped and thrown across the room into a wall. There might be something else going on, so just don't assume things. Some people just aren't that into sex and kissing, and it sounds like with his medical problems, that could be a factor or side effect of a drug. I know I have no desire to kiss or anything (but that's just me). But I have to say I agree with Nikki, I think it's time for the talk. Then maybe moving on. I don't know you well enough to say much, and if I did same something that offended you, I'm sorry. (I know I read some of my comments, screaming YOU DON'T KNOW ME...). Just try not to let it get too you (easier said, than done). But really, you need to talk with him...because some of his behavior is screaming "abuser" to us that know the warning signs.

Hoping for the best for you!

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AEROBISAURUS 4/18/2013 9:11AM

    Okay - I don't know the best way to say this but your boyfriend might want to get some help with his depression. Or at least it sounds like he is a little depressed to me by his actions. Maybe resentful over something he can't change or has no control over ... Men are fixers...or so I've been told. I just know that when I get down and depressed or feel like I can't express the way I feel because, I believe that no one will understand, so my first reaction is push the person away. Anyways - honey if it's only been 2 years and a couple months you may need to re evaluate your relationship. Do whats good for you. Don't hold yourself back in life and miss out on its gifts for waiting on the possibility of some one changing. If he is not willing to get help or listen to your concerns and acknowledge them, then that's just not a fight that you will want to deal with for the next however many years you spend with him.

The world is your oyster! Go and get it girl!

Nikki :)

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX12 4/18/2013 6:37AM

    Don't ignore your feelings, you matter. emoticon I hope and pray that things get better.

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PIXIECUTE 4/17/2013 9:19PM

    Only the two of you know the true ins and outs of your relationship... but you should never be scared to express how you feel to the person you love. You sound like a giving girlfriend :) and you need to feel loved, just as much you need to give love. Nothing wrong with wanting that for yourself :) I hope tomorrow IS better. Good luck :)

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AJB121299 4/17/2013 7:31PM

    nice blog

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And this time... I'll keep it off

Tuesday, April 09, 2013

Ok, been stuck at 178 for two weeks now. Scale wouldn't move. So I tried eating extra calories for a couple days. I heard this sometimes helps speed metabolism up. Well, the scale moved... I gained 2 ounces. So the next day I went right back to eating around 1200 a day. We'll see how this works this week. Hope I am able to loose at least one pound.

I took my first challenge to loose 10 lbs by June 4th. That's 5 lbs a month. I hope I can do it! It's been rough since I started work... and rougher since I started this Saturday class. Class will be over and test will be taken on May 4th though. Hopefully I can step it up a notch after that.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AEROBISAURUS 4/11/2013 8:30AM

    You can do it! 10 minutes here and there really does add up, especially if they are high intensity. Congrats on going through school while handling everyday life, that's tough in it's self. ((hugs)) You'll get there! emoticon emoticon

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX12 4/9/2013 8:55PM

    You can do it. Are you finding time to move? Ten minutes here and there can really rev up that metabolism. emoticon

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UMBILICAL 4/9/2013 8:48PM


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PJ2222 4/9/2013 8:48PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Three steps forward, two back

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Ok. So I was super excited last weekend when I weighed in at 177. I usually weigh in mid-week just as a check point. I was back up to 179 this morning! How?? I haven't gone over my calorie count... I just don't get it. I'm still down one more lbs than I was, but I was so thrilled to have lost 3 lbs. I don't get how it went up when I have been so good with staying within my nutritional ranges. Haven't had any time for exercise since Sunday, but I can't imagine that would have caused me to gain though...maybe maintain. Blah. A little disappointed. Nothing to do but keep at it though I guess.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CRYSTLE4HIMTX12 3/29/2013 2:33PM

    Hang in there. As women our weights fluctuate so much. emoticon

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AEROBISAURUS 3/28/2013 8:43AM

    Water retention most likely. The same thing happens to me. That is why I quit putting so much focus on the scale. I use NSV's to track my progress. Also, taking your measurements over weighing yourself. Don't get down on yourself. You are still moving forward! emoticon


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Lessons of life, love, and happiness

Sunday, March 10, 2013

I don't blog as often as I would like, often because I don't feel comfortable enough to lay it all out on the line for everyone to see. I'm not blessed with a sense of humor or a clever mind that bubbles over and spills out motivational pep talks or one liners that people are interested in reading.

I am however blessed with determination and a motivation that is all my own. I am learning that once I've set my mind to something, it's really not that difficult to do. I've made loosing weight so much harder than it had to be so many times in the past. Partially because I didn't like myself very much, and it was almost like I thought I deserved to be overweight- it was like my punishment for being who I was. I let some of the people in my life make me feel that way- I believed the negative comments I heard... and even some I didn't hear but imagined were true. And when I did get a compliment, I couldn't accept it. I felt sure that this person was trying to flatter me for a reason- they must want something from me.

I am learning though, to take compliments and to hold on to them and let the bad feelings I've been holding onto for so long go instead. I'm learning that life is all about perspective, and if someone is putting a damper on my perspective there is no reason I need to continue to listen to them... or even have them in my life for that matter. Now I just need to learn to find the courage it takes to make additional changes that need to be made... I'm not sure if that means finding strength within myself to accept people the way they are while learning how to keep my perspective in spite of them, or finding a way to let them go.

I'm learning that health isn't just about looking good- it's about feeling good, physically, mentally, and spiritually. If one of those is missing, I will still feel unsatisfied with my efforts and with life in general.

I am learning that positive thoughts are the driving factor in all of this. Everytime my mind begins to suggest to me that I'm still overweight and I still haven't lost a size and that I have no reason to feel happy about what I have accomplished, that I have no reason to celebrate- I choose to smother those thoughts out with positive thoughts instead. I remind myself that I have lost inches and it won't be long before I loose a size. I remind mysef that I have lost 10 lbs- something I did not think I could do without the help of some drug or excessive hours at the gym and starvation a few months ago. I remind myself that I am capable of changing- that I am changing and that I am happy about it. I remind myself that 2 or 3 months from now my weight loss will have doubled if I continue down the path I'm going in. I will win this battle! I will enjoy my life and appreciate all the blessings I have been afforded. And I will enjoy the food that I eat, but it will not be the only thing I look forward to each day.

I love Sparkpeople and the "spark" it has added to my life. I'm very excited about the wonderful journey ahead. I always want to be on some kind of journey in my life- it sure beats sitting here watching everyone else enjoy theirs.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BAKER1009 3/11/2013 7:52AM

    What a wonderful, positive, upbeat blog! Whenever you are doubting yourself or your efforts, come back and read this. They won't all be good days, but they can be as good as we make them!

Keep up the great work!! emoticon


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AEROBISAURUS 3/10/2013 6:13PM

    Very good blog. I know what you mean about losing weight but still feeling big. I'm very self conscious about how my clothes fit. I'm always fighting with my mid section. You are totally right about positive thinking! Kick the negative Nancey's out of the way and keep your support system strong! emoticon emoticon


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CRYSTLE4HIMTX12 3/10/2013 3:50PM

    Awesome blog! You are SO right, you are gonna reach your goals and you are worth it. Negativity is as deadly to a person's soul as cancer is to the body. Way to get it out of your life and focus on those things that are good. Embrace and celebrate all your victories!!! emoticon

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CWHEATLEY12 3/10/2013 12:25PM

    You really sound like you are definitely on the right path to success and your blog was very well written! It really seems like you're learning a lot of positive things about your body and yourself. Best of luck to you! You can do it!

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Adjusting to this new schedule

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

So I started my new job on Monday. On Sunday I planned the meals for this week and have been preparing as much as possible the night before. I am finding I have less time for exercise, but I am determined to fit it in. However, I didn't get to bed until after 11 Sunday and Monday nights. That isn't too bad really, except I have to get up at 6 am and I have gotten used to sleeping (or at least laying in bed) until 9am or so because of being unemployed over the last year. So, I've been spending the days yawning at work. I am hoping my body will adjust soon and I won't feel so tired. I am eating enough calories, carbs, and protien... so I just need to focus on trying to get to bed a little bit earlier and perhaps this will help my energy level.

Job is going well so far. Lots of wonderful people working there. I can see myself being there for a good while....unless they run me off. Been getting good feedback so far though. :)

I wanna get on the elliptical tonight, but I am feeling so worn down and tired. Maybe if I just make myself get on there and start I will get the energy I need to do at least 30 minutes. Then I can get a shower and put on my PJ's and relax a little. Yay, can't wait!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BAKER1009 3/23/2013 3:08PM

    How have you adjusted with your sleep now that it's been a while? Hopefully well. So you have an elliptical at home? I am so very, VERY, jealous! I live in an apartment complex, where we have a small gym that has an ellptical. I just love it, but I have a hard time getting there (crazy, I know) and when I do get there, half the time someone is already on the only one they have. They should have 2 of those instead of 2 treadmills, LOL!

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX12 2/27/2013 10:14AM

    Congrats on the new job being better than you thought. My husband was working out after work but that got to be too much so he changed his schedule and works out at 5 a.m. I know it sounds crazy but two days a week I wake up at 4 and workout with him. It is nice to have the evenings free.

Hope you are feeling stronger and less tired soon. emoticon

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