Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Just needing to vent. I just feel so down today. Somedays it's just hard to feel positive about anything.
My boyfriend and I live together. Last week he spent the week in Florida visiting his family. So I missed him... but it was also nice to have some time to myself. This week he is back and it just seems like I am being ignored. Twice this week he has cut me off mid-sentence on the phone to take someone else's call. He never called me back or expressed any interest in continuing our conversation. Today he calls me while I'm at work and says he's going to his cousin's house to visit tonight. He did ask if I wanted to go, but I don't want to get home at 10pm tonight. I have things I have to do at home and for school tonight. So maybe I should feel glad he is gone... but I can't. I feel angry and neglected... but of course this has been building up for a long time.
Monday night we went out to dinner. Now I love spinach/artichoke dip. I have begged him to try this with me in the past and he wouldn't do it. He says he doesn't like artichokes. Well, that night he ordered some to just taste it and see if he liked it or not. He knows I can't have any because I am trying to loose weight and stay under my calorie count each day. Why would he wait until I can't have any to try it in front of me instead of sharing it with me in the past when I have asked him to.
Granted these things all qualify as the "small stuff" that we aren't supposed to sweat right? I don't know why it is bothering me so much... but it is. Then again, it's been building up for a long time.
We have been together for two years and 2 months. He has not so much as kissed me for at least a year and a half. We don't have sex because he is hurt. Right now it's because of his rotator cuff injury. Before that it was because of pain in his legs. He had to have surgery to close up some veins. I am trying to be patient and loving and understanding, but it's getting to me. I don't get why he can't give me a real kiss even if he isn't able to do anything else.
Everytime I try to talk to him he either gets angry and threatens to leave, threatens to kill himself, or he starts talking about how he doesn't deserve me and how horrible he is so that I will feel guilty for even saying anything. Seems he does anything but discuss the issues with me and care about how I feel or talk about possible ways to make some changes.
Last time I said something to him about my feelings being hurt because he put a wooden toy chest together for his cousins wife while I have been waiting for 2 months for him to fix the coat rack that he broke when he fell on it- he yelled at me "I'm sorry I hurt your damn feelings!" So I don't feel like I can tell him anything. I feel like my feelings are nothing but a burden to him... like I would be the perfect girl if only I didn't FEEL.
I have asked and asked about going to counseling, but he says we can't afford it. But when he gets money he blows it on a bunch of stuff... like guns, a new radio for his truck, new boots, just whatever he has been wanting. I just want to matter... and I'm really not feeling like I do. He hugs me all the time, says he loves me, and kisses me on the cheek. But this isn't enough to make me feel like I am in a relationship... a real relationship- a partnership with someone who values me for who I am.
There are so many other things that are bothering me... but I can't list them all here tonight. It would take way too long. I just needed to get some stuff off my chest so I can attempt to think clearly enough to do my homework and some laundry.
Ever feel like you need to cry...like your soul is crying on the inside of you... but you can't bring it to the surface and let it out? This is how I feel tonight. Hoping that tomorrow is better.
Tuesday, April 09, 2013
Ok, been stuck at 178 for two weeks now. Scale wouldn't move. So I tried eating extra calories for a couple days. I heard this sometimes helps speed metabolism up. Well, the scale moved... I gained 2 ounces. So the next day I went right back to eating around 1200 a day. We'll see how this works this week. Hope I am able to loose at least one pound.
I took my first challenge to loose 10 lbs by June 4th. That's 5 lbs a month. I hope I can do it! It's been rough since I started work... and rougher since I started this Saturday class. Class will be over and test will be taken on May 4th though. Hopefully I can step it up a notch after that.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Ok. So I was super excited last weekend when I weighed in at 177. I usually weigh in mid-week just as a check point. I was back up to 179 this morning! How?? I haven't gone over my calorie count... I just don't get it. I'm still down one more lbs than I was, but I was so thrilled to have lost 3 lbs. I don't get how it went up when I have been so good with staying within my nutritional ranges. Haven't had any time for exercise since Sunday, but I can't imagine that would have caused me to gain though...maybe maintain. Blah. A little disappointed. Nothing to do but keep at it though I guess.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
I don't blog as often as I would like, often because I don't feel comfortable enough to lay it all out on the line for everyone to see. I'm not blessed with a sense of humor or a clever mind that bubbles over and spills out motivational pep talks or one liners that people are interested in reading.
I am however blessed with determination and a motivation that is all my own. I am learning that once I've set my mind to something, it's really not that difficult to do. I've made loosing weight so much harder than it had to be so many times in the past. Partially because I didn't like myself very much, and it was almost like I thought I deserved to be overweight- it was like my punishment for being who I was. I let some of the people in my life make me feel that way- I believed the negative comments I heard... and even some I didn't hear but imagined were true. And when I did get a compliment, I couldn't accept it. I felt sure that this person was trying to flatter me for a reason- they must want something from me.
I am learning though, to take compliments and to hold on to them and let the bad feelings I've been holding onto for so long go instead. I'm learning that life is all about perspective, and if someone is putting a damper on my perspective there is no reason I need to continue to listen to them... or even have them in my life for that matter. Now I just need to learn to find the courage it takes to make additional changes that need to be made... I'm not sure if that means finding strength within myself to accept people the way they are while learning how to keep my perspective in spite of them, or finding a way to let them go.
I'm learning that health isn't just about looking good- it's about feeling good, physically, mentally, and spiritually. If one of those is missing, I will still feel unsatisfied with my efforts and with life in general.
I am learning that positive thoughts are the driving factor in all of this. Everytime my mind begins to suggest to me that I'm still overweight and I still haven't lost a size and that I have no reason to feel happy about what I have accomplished, that I have no reason to celebrate- I choose to smother those thoughts out with positive thoughts instead. I remind myself that I have lost inches and it won't be long before I loose a size. I remind mysef that I have lost 10 lbs- something I did not think I could do without the help of some drug or excessive hours at the gym and starvation a few months ago. I remind myself that I am capable of changing- that I am changing and that I am happy about it. I remind myself that 2 or 3 months from now my weight loss will have doubled if I continue down the path I'm going in. I will win this battle! I will enjoy my life and appreciate all the blessings I have been afforded. And I will enjoy the food that I eat, but it will not be the only thing I look forward to each day.
I love Sparkpeople and the "spark" it has added to my life. I'm very excited about the wonderful journey ahead. I always want to be on some kind of journey in my life- it sure beats sitting here watching everyone else enjoy theirs.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
So I started my new job on Monday. On Sunday I planned the meals for this week and have been preparing as much as possible the night before. I am finding I have less time for exercise, but I am determined to fit it in. However, I didn't get to bed until after 11 Sunday and Monday nights. That isn't too bad really, except I have to get up at 6 am and I have gotten used to sleeping (or at least laying in bed) until 9am or so because of being unemployed over the last year. So, I've been spending the days yawning at work. I am hoping my body will adjust soon and I won't feel so tired. I am eating enough calories, carbs, and protien... so I just need to focus on trying to get to bed a little bit earlier and perhaps this will help my energy level.
Job is going well so far. Lots of wonderful people working there. I can see myself being there for a good while....unless they run me off. Been getting good feedback so far though. :)
I wanna get on the elliptical tonight, but I am feeling so worn down and tired. Maybe if I just make myself get on there and start I will get the energy I need to do at least 30 minutes. Then I can get a shower and put on my PJ's and relax a little. Yay, can't wait!
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