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LOYAL_HEART's Recent Blog Entries

Day 60!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

It's officially sixty days since I started walking one mile every evening. Through all the rough spells of late, at least I am going strong walking every day. If I get my calorie intake under control and water consumption increased I might actually lose weight before I see the doctor again on Dec. 7th. New goal: Lose five pounds before Dec. 7th. Yikes!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LJOYCE55 11/15/2012 9:11AM

  I think you can say you have established a new healthy habit - 60 days without fail is incredible. Congrats! emoticon

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HSMOMX2 11/14/2012 10:17PM

  emoticon Great job on getting your walk in daily!

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It's that time of the year and probably the reason for my funk

Monday, November 12, 2012

Little known fact is most serious relationships end after two years and typically around the holidays or in the first few months of the new year. It's a time when everyone takes stock of their situation in life: family, friends, career, relationship, health, etc. Every year I go through the same mind numbing experience of chewing over my life right before the holidays until my birthday in early February. I eat myself up, spit it all out and then blame the cook for the unsavory meal. Mostly because off all the hardships I endured in my formative years. An abusive relationship. Check. Not going on a date for four years because of that relationship. Check. Slew of health problems including a life long mental condition. Check. Totally inadequate funds for my education because of my parents weird separation situation. Check. Forking over half my income every month to student loans and never really getting ahead financially. Check. I live with my emotionally dependent mother because I can't afford to live anywhere else. Check. Not too mention being overweight and feeling the effects, particularly low energy. Check. Feeling very alone because I've never really had a partner worth having. Check. All of these life challenges flood my consciousness for about four months of self inflicted torture. Right around my birthday is when everything becomes particularly hard because all my failings to be a better person really hit home. I am just getting older rather than better.

I try to remember my successes to off set the negative self talk. I went to Oxford despite my funding issue and mental condition. Check. I earned two degrees in completely different disciplines: sociology and chemistry. Check. I speak intermediate Spanish and Mandarin. Check. I got a promotion in my current job after only working there for three months. Check. Two hundred service hours completed for 2012. Check. I never gave up on learning about my disorder and making strides to control the symptoms. Check. I take action to improve my physical health. Check. Above all else I still dream rather than settled into a life that does not become me. Check. Sometimes remembering all the good helps but it all seems intangible. What I really need right now is visible accomplishments in my life.

Right now there's two simple goals that luckily run in tandem to each other. One I really want to buy a rowing machine, a decent one. I use to own one but it was pretty worn down so I stopped using it. It's day 58 of my walking regiment and I'd like to add something more challenging to get my weight loss journey back on track. Two I'd like to lose an additional 14 pounds before my birthday in early February. My mini goal for myself was to lose roughly 20-30 pounds before my birthday. I already lost 7 in the last month. With two and half months to go I think I can at least make the 20 pound mark and reach my goal.

There's other things I'd like to focus on but since this is historically a rough time for me if I manage to work on them at all it's just an added bonus. First off finishing my Mandarin lessons is important to me. I started learning about two years ago off and on. At the beginning of the year I bought the Rosetta Stone (highly recommend by the way. Totally worth the money) and use it off and on. If I could get back into using it regularly I think I would feel better about myself. Eventually I would like to finish learning Spanish but that's down the road a bit. Second I am going to work on getting back into school. I really want to go to either medical or graduate school because I need the challenge for the rest of my life to stay happy. I really attribute my unhappiness to not going further with my education. I want to start taking classes again by next summer and maybe start working on another degree program. Why the hell not? I already excelled in a broad mix of disciplines. I might as well add to my resume to look like a stellar candidate for medical or graduate school. That plus another documented two hundred volunteer hours ought to really serve me well in those endeavors.

I just need to keep it up for the next couple of months. Stay on track, even if that means performing the bare minimum, through the holidays till my birthday to ease away the winter. I am just praying a rowing machine is the next best place to start.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LJOYCE55 11/13/2012 9:31AM

  You have one paragraph that lists so many really difficult accomplishments, but then end it by saying what you "need right now is visible accomplishments in my life". Heavens, what would you consider an accomplishment if not the ones you list just before that? You have done an amazing amount of things, continue to look at your life for the next adventure, and should be patting yourself on the back on a daily basis. I wish you good luck on your goals, both short and long term. It is clear you will continue having a remarkable life.

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JENNCABA 11/12/2012 3:13PM

    Keep pushing one day at a time emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LIFETIMER54 11/12/2012 12:04PM

  You can do it my spark friend.... emoticon

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So need some help

Wednesday, November 07, 2012

I really am struggling and I don't know why. I just am fighting myself so hard to get back into shape. I am still walking every day and have been since Sept 16th, but everything else is just going by the wayside. I am not really sure what the hell is going on.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOYAL_HEART 11/11/2012 5:16PM

    Thank you everyone for your encouraging words. More and more I appreciate the community SparkPeople brings together and you all exemplify how wonderful a weight loss journey can be. Thanks again!

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JENNCABA 11/10/2012 3:48PM

    One step, one day at a time.... That is a great accomplishment to walk everyday !! Don't be so hard on yourself. It took me awhile to figure out what was best for me and to figure out what would help me the most to stay focused and motivated to work hard towards my goals. I know it gets frustrating, just do one thing at a time. One of the things that helped me the most was to make many small goals along the way so I was able to see all of the progress I was making and it helped me to stay motivated.....You are making great progress everyday you continue to push forward emoticon emoticon

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LJOYCE55 11/8/2012 1:06PM

  Have you tried yoga or meditation? Besides the obvious stress relief, it also gives you something positive to do for yourself. With meditation, you can do it BEFORE you get up to get something to eat. No recriminations, just bring positive thoughts into your mind and enjoy them. You have made achievements, so dwell on those.

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CHRIS3874 11/7/2012 10:52PM

    give yourself some time (Goodness knows I am having to ) be patient with yourself. These things take longer than we plan sometimes.

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LYNNA1968 11/7/2012 9:50PM

    lol, I blame my job (I think most of us do). I wish I had some magic spell. Honestly, the only thing that has helped me, besides wonderful friends is planning everything I eat. I bring breakfast / lunch & snacks to work with me. Otherwise all hell breaks loose. Maybe you can try that for a couple of days. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JUNGLEGIRL6 11/7/2012 9:36PM

  Walking for three month...AWESOME!!!. Maybe adding some cardio to your walking. Continue to stay on track, you are doing great.

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ERICADAWN1986 11/7/2012 9:35PM

    I can relate to this. I wasn't sure what the heck was going on but after 8 months of healthy lifestyle changes, all of a sudden I stopped caring about what I was eating. I was even tracking it all and not caring. I joined the "tame your sweet tooth challenge." I tried coming up with strategies for my recurring nighttime snacking. I blogged my plans for weeks. It took about a month but I'm back on track. My point is that you should pinpoint what is going wrong....is it late night snacking, is it emotional eating, boredom eating, etc? Then start coming up with strategies. If they fail, they fail and you try something different tomorrow. Keep pushing forward. You're worth it!

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LOYAL_HEART 11/7/2012 9:31PM

    I am just not eating like I should or drinking enough water or sleeping. I am blaming it on my job, but if I know the source surely there's a way to get over it right? I just want to get back on track and not gain any weight but I am so stressed out right now it's ridiculous.

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LYNNA1968 11/7/2012 9:25PM

    is it food issues? Emotional? Exercise?

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LAWANDMUSIC 11/7/2012 9:18PM

    You have been regularly walking for nearly 3 months!! WOW!! What a great thing to celebrate!! What do you want to add to that achievement?

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Where does emotional energy come from?

Saturday, November 03, 2012

My job drains all the energy out of my bones by the end of the day and I come home with nothing for myself. I take abuse from others in my organization because my job entails culture change in a very large institution. I am just so frustrated. Those of you who've read my past blogs heard this song and dance from me before, but this time I am thinking about exploring new career opportunities. I want my life to matter. What I do currently and why I am doing it is extremely important. But my life also has to matter to me at the end of the day. My house is a disaster, I definitely stray more often than not from my weight loss goals and other personal goals are going by the wayside because I am just so zapped at the end of the day.

I am not saying out right I want to quit. But I am going to take sometime this weekend to reevaluate my circumstances. If I come to the conclusion there is no way to get what I need from this job then it's time to move on. I am not going to put my life on hold for someone else's dream or vision again.

My real passion is to go to medical school. Ironically health problems kept me from following that dream in my early twenties. Since my health insurance is so good right now I am able to afford amazing care. It's really the reason why I lost seven pounds. I probably could not have done that without my current medical team. I am hopeful that if I lose the weight my other conditions will dramatically lessen or maybe disappear (God willing) so I can run after with all my heart and soul to medical school. I mean RUN. Like I stole something from a cop RUN. One day it's going to happen if I just keep walking till I learn how to run right? Isn't that where emotional energy comes from? Observable progress even from slow and steady methods? If that's the case then why oh why can't I apply to my job?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NANAGO1204 11/3/2012 11:19PM

    You are likely on the right path by taking that time this weekend to reevaluate...that is generally a great step. At least a couple of things will probably surface that could make a difference. Our hearts are with you! emoticon

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LYNNA1968 11/3/2012 3:33PM

    Lol it comes from your mind not willing to accept your current situation. You are most likely not the only person in your job feeling that way, maybe you can all get together for a vent session or just to blow off steam. Good luck!

Comment edited on: 11/3/2012 3:34:30 PM

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LJOYCE55 11/3/2012 3:06PM

  I like the fact that you are taking the time to take stock of your current situation and to find a path forward that will work for you. Good luck.

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Seven pounds gone!

Monday, October 29, 2012

I went to the doctor today and weighted in seven pounds lighter! I am thrilled! Lately my weight loss journey took a couple wrong turns but I must be doing something right. He pleased with my progress even with the low doses of prescribed weight loss medications (before the comment section explodes with gripes about losing weight without medicine, please remember this is a personal decision made between myself and my physician. Refrain from harping on my Sparkpage) and all my reported activities like tracking my food and walking habits. I actually "spread the spark" by telling him about all my activities on SparkPeople, or at least I like to think so.

I am pretty happy with this success. Makes me feel like I can make it to my goal weight and stay healthy for the rest of my life. Pretty sure those words would not have crossed my lips six months ago. Now if I could just drink more water, eat a little healthier and buy a rowing machine.......

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LJOYCE55 10/30/2012 2:41PM

  Good job and I like that you feel this is doable for the long term.

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CANES4EVER63 10/29/2012 8:28PM

    WOO! Keep up the great work!

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NANAGO1204 10/29/2012 8:21PM


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GOPINTOS 10/29/2012 7:01PM

    I believe in using whatever resources you feel will help you accomplish your goals. WTG on the 7!!

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KNYAGENYA 10/29/2012 6:58PM


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BIERMA 10/29/2012 6:55PM

  You should be proud of your success! I lost several pounds because I had to start taking meds that suppressed my appetite but hey, it started me on my way! I was stuck before that. Go for it, Girl! and Congrats on the 7 lbs! emoticon

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