Monday, November 12, 2012
Little known fact is most serious relationships end after two years and typically around the holidays or in the first few months of the new year. It's a time when everyone takes stock of their situation in life: family, friends, career, relationship, health, etc. Every year I go through the same mind numbing experience of chewing over my life right before the holidays until my birthday in early February. I eat myself up, spit it all out and then blame the cook for the unsavory meal. Mostly because off all the hardships I endured in my formative years. An abusive relationship. Check. Not going on a date for four years because of that relationship. Check. Slew of health problems including a life long mental condition. Check. Totally inadequate funds for my education because of my parents weird separation situation. Check. Forking over half my income every month to student loans and never really getting ahead financially. Check. I live with my emotionally dependent mother because I can't afford to live anywhere else. Check. Not too mention being overweight and feeling the effects, particularly low energy. Check. Feeling very alone because I've never really had a partner worth having. Check. All of these life challenges flood my consciousness for about four months of self inflicted torture. Right around my birthday is when everything becomes particularly hard because all my failings to be a better person really hit home. I am just getting older rather than better.
I try to remember my successes to off set the negative self talk. I went to Oxford despite my funding issue and mental condition. Check. I earned two degrees in completely different disciplines: sociology and chemistry. Check. I speak intermediate Spanish and Mandarin. Check. I got a promotion in my current job after only working there for three months. Check. Two hundred service hours completed for 2012. Check. I never gave up on learning about my disorder and making strides to control the symptoms. Check. I take action to improve my physical health. Check. Above all else I still dream rather than settled into a life that does not become me. Check. Sometimes remembering all the good helps but it all seems intangible. What I really need right now is visible accomplishments in my life.
Right now there's two simple goals that luckily run in tandem to each other. One I really want to buy a rowing machine, a decent one. I use to own one but it was pretty worn down so I stopped using it. It's day 58 of my walking regiment and I'd like to add something more challenging to get my weight loss journey back on track. Two I'd like to lose an additional 14 pounds before my birthday in early February. My mini goal for myself was to lose roughly 20-30 pounds before my birthday. I already lost 7 in the last month. With two and half months to go I think I can at least make the 20 pound mark and reach my goal.
There's other things I'd like to focus on but since this is historically a rough time for me if I manage to work on them at all it's just an added bonus. First off finishing my Mandarin lessons is important to me. I started learning about two years ago off and on. At the beginning of the year I bought the Rosetta Stone (highly recommend by the way. Totally worth the money) and use it off and on. If I could get back into using it regularly I think I would feel better about myself. Eventually I would like to finish learning Spanish but that's down the road a bit. Second I am going to work on getting back into school. I really want to go to either medical or graduate school because I need the challenge for the rest of my life to stay happy. I really attribute my unhappiness to not going further with my education. I want to start taking classes again by next summer and maybe start working on another degree program. Why the hell not? I already excelled in a broad mix of disciplines. I might as well add to my resume to look like a stellar candidate for medical or graduate school. That plus another documented two hundred volunteer hours ought to really serve me well in those endeavors.
I just need to keep it up for the next couple of months. Stay on track, even if that means performing the bare minimum, through the holidays till my birthday to ease away the winter. I am just praying a rowing machine is the next best place to start.