LOVINGLIVI   1,890
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SOOOO....

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

You know.... life is ridiculous sometimes. I sit here and feed myself [pun intended] all these reasons why I'm not losing weight. I'm stressed, I don't have time to work out, blah blah blah snore. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?! I've so had enough! I just wish I could find it in myself to start something and KEEP at it, you know?

I always give up right when things start to go well. 'Oh, I'm losing weight' and somehow my thought process leads to 'maybe i should... STOP?!!?!?!' lawd. I will never understand how that works for me. I have GOT to stop doing this to myself! I hate the way I feel, I hate the way I look, and I HATE the way people see me. And yet, I still HATE to exercise. I tell myself it would be easier if there was a place I could swim. Hah! Would I really go, even then? I have no idea. All I know is that I need to be fit to have a baby! I'm not. Not even close. With Michael leaving for Iraq in December I tell myself that I will have lost all the weight by the time he gets back. I know that unless I really commit, that's completely untrue. So, how do I get to the point where I can not hate the exercise so much? I know why..... Sitting here writing about it I know why I hate it.

It hurts.

Every muscle and bone and joint in my body HURTS when I exercise. My knees ache and my back burns. It has very little to do with strength or endurance. It has to do with the fact that I am so FAT -- my body can hardly handle the weight. My frame is slight... the weight I carry around is much too much for it. UGH.
I'll get there.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOVELYDISASTER 6/10/2009 8:30AM

    I am the same way. I give up after just a short while. I make excuses as to why I can't exercise... I'm busy, I need to clean the house, my son won't let me... and so that doesn't help losing weight of course.
Sometimes we just have to suck it up and say I'M DONE. I just need to DO IT. This is for our health, our self esteem, our families, but most importantly for ourselves.


Of course, I'm still coming to understand that. Right now I could be exercising, but I'm sitting at the table in front of my laptop writing this.
emoticon

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CBSPECIAL 6/10/2009 7:58AM

    You have to break the cycle - if you do nothing it will only get worse. I think you have to find something that you can get into, what have you tried?

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WILLOWWINDS 6/10/2009 5:45AM

    I can relate to your post very well. I would do good for a bit and then blow it.
What I have tried to do now if just focus on the day. Not next week, next month.
But Today.

I can't change yesterday. Tomorrow hasn't come yet and I am here Today.

Sorry you have such pain exercising. Perhaps an over the counter pain relief or ask your doctor.

Sending you positive vibes today. emoticon

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I'm back.

Friday, April 24, 2009

So, over the last month I've been away. I recently miscarried and sank into a deep depression. I had been slacking off on SP before that though, never a good thing. Anyway... I still managed to lose more weight that I never logged. I got down to 206 on my lightest day. I'm back to what's posted now of 214.
I'm back on the wagon. I'm still really depressed. I've had a lot of people tell me recently that I'm fat. I wish they'd tell me something that I don't know. I'm just hoping I can do this again. I got so burned out on working out that I just stopped, and I stopped coming to the site to make sure that I'm eating what I should. I think I'm going to start out just walking...work up to doing what I was before. Walking and following my diet plan. I'm ready.
Thanks for reading.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CBSPECIAL 4/24/2009 9:08AM

    Sorry about your loss, glad you are back and starting slow. You can do this! emoticon

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CHRISTRA7 4/24/2009 6:27AM

  Go for it girl. I know where your coming from so know how you feel. Also my first day back after a break of many years, illness/laziness/poor willpower plus the usual excuses. We'll do it this time for good right!! We're gonna go for it and get back our power. Keep strong X

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SO......

Monday, January 26, 2009

Either I dropped 5 pounds, or my scale is a liar!! I'm SO jazzed about this!! I'm beginning to feel like maybe I can really do this! I don't know that I'd have made it this far without all of the wonderful support I have gotten on this site!! For sure this is going to be the year for change!
Even though I didn't drop weight like I was expecting, this is something! I think that just knowing that I did that is such a motivator for me. I feel so much better. My knees are killing me, from supporting this much weight as I work out, but that will get better. I haven't committed to a strength training program yet, but I will soon. My turbo jam should be here soon, so :D yippeeee!! Thanks so much to everyone for your kind words!! They have meant more than you know!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CBSPECIAL 1/27/2009 9:38AM

    Your welcome and you will do this! Swimming is what I used to get back in shape, now I love the Wii and can free step or run for 30 minutes no problem! Keep up the good work!

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feeling like i need to eat...

Saturday, January 24, 2009

But I don't. I'm depressed. I live overseas on a military base and I have like, 3 friends. And they aren't even GOOD friends. I sort of just know them. I am having an issue with one of my neighbors and I just feel like EATING everything in the kitchen!!!! I've already had some shrimp and a banana...so I'm trying to resist my husbands coffee cake. I knew this would be a way that I could vent some and maybe take the edge off. I need to go to bed and realize that tomorrow is a new day.
My bitchy exterior aside, I think I really am a gentle person. I don't WANT to be as guarded as I am, but getting myself this heavy has made me that way. I'm so defensive. Someone said to me a few weeks ago [the neighbor I'm having trouble with, actually] "I'd rather be fat and happy than skinny and miserable". Me? NO WAY. I think a common EXCUSE among heavy people is that "skinny" people don't get to eat the things they like. That they are anorexic or that they are miserable eating salad all the time. It's not true. I'm beginning to wonder if she meant something else [more mean] when she said that. I just don't understand people sometimes.
Anyway, I just needed to get that out. Sorry for the vent. I just don't want to relapse and eat! Thank you SparkPeople.

Good Night.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CBSPECIAL 1/25/2009 9:20AM

    emoticon, vent all you want, dust yourself off and know that you may only have three friends physically there, you have hundreds here on line!

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KAYLSLYNN 1/24/2009 7:48PM

    I WISH I COULD JUST GIVE YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND A BIG HUG FOR WHAT YOU ARE DOING TO KEEP THE REST OF SAFE. SINCE I CAN'T DO IT PLEASE HUG YOUR HUSBAND AND HAVE HIM TO HUG YOU FOR ME. HANG IN THERE YOU WILL MAKE IT. PUT SOMETHING SPECIAL IN YOUR MEAL PLAN MAYBE EVEN A PIECE OF THAT COFFEE CAKE. DON'T LISTEN TO OTHER PEOPLE THAT WANT TO PUT DOWN. YOU ARE SPECIAL AND YOU WILL MAKE IT. STAY IN TOUCH WITH YOUR FRIENDS HERE AT SPARKPEOPLE WE ARE ALL PULLING FOR YOU. HAVE A BETTER DAY TOMORROW AND THE NEXT DAY AND THE NEXT EVERYDAY FROM HERE ON OUT. GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND. KAY emoticon

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PTBARB1 1/24/2009 7:04PM

  Hi, hang in there and believe in what you are doing. Everyone is on different paths in life and some people don't understand that. Do what you believe is right for you. When people put people down it is because they are trying to make themselves feel better. In my mind being healthy in mind, body and spirit is something we should all strive for.

Never Give up!

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I've been thinking...

Friday, January 23, 2009

Dangerous, I know.

But honestly....
Where did I get such a poor self image? Where did I learn to hate myself the way I do? At what point did I start to allow myself to think that I wasn't as "good" as someone else?
The answer?
My mother.
Ever since before I can remember she pinched my sides in disapproval. Even in HS when I was on the swim team and weighed 145 MAX and looked like a bag of bones. I don't know why she did it, and I don't think she even knew what she was doing to me. I'm not saying in any way at all that she is responsible for me being fat. She always fed me healthy stuff. She always stresed [maybe too much] the importance of physical activity. But who knew that it would have this kind of an effect?
Now that I realize this, I need to stop dwelling on it. It's not going to change anything now...it just tells me what NOT to do, with OIivia.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PTBARB1 1/24/2009 7:19PM

  Hi again. I read about you on your spark page. I too had a miscarriage on my first pregnancy and I too gained weight when I got pregnant again. Since then I have had two lovely boys...one who is now 16 and the other 13 years old. Just before I gave birth I was 202lbs with the first and 198 with the second child. I too was afraid I may miscarry again so I ate alot thinking I was giving them all the nutrients they needed. After giving birth I weighed 167lbs after each birth. I took it off both times. Now thirteen years later I weight 157 lbs so I thought I would get back to 137 again.

The reason I am writing this email too you is because of the thoughts of your mother. This happened to me too. Since now I was a mother, I realized what a lousy job my parents did raising me. Before having kids I had no idea. There will be a lot of junk (thoughts) you will have to face as time goes on. It's painful. The only way to get peace is to acknowledge the wrong and forgive your mom. This doesn't mean you say it was O.K. ---it just means that you don't weight you heart down with angry, bitterness and hurt.

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ADAMST3 1/24/2009 3:19PM

    I read your story and this blog and sense determination and a clear vision. Please continue blogging those "demons" that will try to side track you. Look to your SP Friends to help guide you through. ONE day at time...One BITE at a time...one positive self-discussion at a time.

We're rooting for you--- Beautiful Olivia's Mama!

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CBSPECIAL 1/23/2009 8:40AM

    Good for you! Now you can get on with what you need to do and I'm am sure you will!

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