Wednesday, June 10, 2009
You know.... life is ridiculous sometimes. I sit here and feed myself [pun intended] all these reasons why I'm not losing weight. I'm stressed, I don't have time to work out, blah blah blah snore. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?! I've so had enough! I just wish I could find it in myself to start something and KEEP at it, you know?
I always give up right when things start to go well. 'Oh, I'm losing weight' and somehow my thought process leads to 'maybe i should... STOP?!!?!?!' lawd. I will never understand how that works for me. I have GOT to stop doing this to myself! I hate the way I feel, I hate the way I look, and I HATE the way people see me. And yet, I still HATE to exercise. I tell myself it would be easier if there was a place I could swim. Hah! Would I really go, even then? I have no idea. All I know is that I need to be fit to have a baby! I'm not. Not even close. With Michael leaving for Iraq in December I tell myself that I will have lost all the weight by the time he gets back. I know that unless I really commit, that's completely untrue. So, how do I get to the point where I can not hate the exercise so much? I know why..... Sitting here writing about it I know why I hate it.
Every muscle and bone and joint in my body HURTS when I exercise. My knees ache and my back burns. It has very little to do with strength or endurance. It has to do with the fact that I am so FAT -- my body can hardly handle the weight. My frame is slight... the weight I carry around is much too much for it. UGH.
I'll get there.