Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Okay, I'm back. Seriously, I'm back.
First of all, I want to say thank you so much to Kisses. I've been inactive on this site for way too long, but she's been sending encouragement and prayer to me the whole time and I really, truly appreciate it. Thank you so much :) It's time to start again and I appreciate your support.
So here's what's happened in the past few months: nothing. I've been neglecting my physical, emotional, and spiritual health. I've been so independent and I just cannot do that anymore. I need to need other people; I need to need God.
I started on Accutane 12 days ago. I've struggled with acne since I was about 10 years old, and every day I've woken up hoping that it's all finally gone. It's never been gone, and I've waited and waited to wake up to a clear face with no hope. I've cried so many tears over my skin. Now that I have this expectation that soon, soon my skin will look beautiful, I feel worthy of a good body, too. Now that I think my face will look good, I want my body to match it. I know that's pathetic, but it's true. I'm ready for a change. I'm ready to look good all around.
I have never considered myself fortunate looking. I have gapped teeth and bad skin, and when you add that I'm overweight, that's three strikes. Hopefully I can get these two out of the way, but you know, I'm really scared that won't fix it.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Oh dear, it's been FAR too long. I feel like I don't know how to reverse all the damage I've done against my body in the past few months. I've been eating fast food at least 3-5 times a week, eating LOTS of junk in between meals, eating multiple desserts at every chance, and consciously AVOIDING the gym. It's..disgusting. I haven't gained any weight, really (at least, I'm leveling back around that 140 level that I always seem to find myself at) but I feel lethargic, flabby, and disgusting.
Last night was homecoming and pictures of me in my dress just added insult to injury. I've known that I've been bad, but ickkkkk. It's disgusting.
A few days ago I had a really good conversation with some of my closest guy friends here about the female struggle with body image, and I shared with them how it's SO hard to find a good balance between obsessing over my weight and not taking care of myself at all. And here I am again, trying to find that balance..again.
I just need to get back in shape and I feel like it's SO tough here. But I ran Thursday, did a workout DVD Friday, and another workout DVD today, so that's something, I suppose. Sigh. I miss how good I felt when I would run every day. I want to get there again.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
So, I've been back to school a little over a week, and I've started up some new routines that I can be really proud of. I've kept my room clean, haven't procrastinated, and have been pretty organized in keeping all my work together.
I've ALSO woken up at 6:45 the past few days and hit the gym at 7. This leaves time for me to work out til 8, shower/do my hair at the gym, and then get back to my dorm to finish up getting ready for class by 9 (MWF) and chapel by 10 (T/Th). Ooh, I've been eating breakfast, too. Just a cereal bar before working out and a yogurt after, but still.. it's good :)
And the past three nights I've gone for a run with a girl on the hall, so we're going to try and keep that up as long as possible. Our runs aren't super long at all - maybe 15 minutes, but it's still a good way to finish up the day, I think.
I'm proud of myself :) I just need to keep these habits going and I'll be on the right track
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Okay, let's do this.
I haven' t intentionally worked out in an embarrassingly long time. This morning, my boss called at 7:30 to tell me he would need me to come in at 10:30 - so instead of falling back to sleep, I ran.
It was great. I decided I wouldn't drink any diet coke at work, which, when I had a party of 20 and four other tables, didn't work out that well.
But I ran on purpose again. And I WILL do it tomorrow. I'm tempted to go for it tonight, but I don't want to burn myself out by getting back into it too quickly.
I need to get back in control of this. For realsies.
Oh - I should add that I haven't stepped on a scale for ages, either. I've felt really happy with my body lately, and so I think I'll stay off the scale because I don't want it to be about the numbers when I'm okay with my body.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Okay - I'm back!
Let's do this. I need to get back on track - I haven't weighed in for a couple weeks, haven't been watching what I eat or intentionally exercising. Now I need to not beat myself up and instead, just get to work.
I feel really full right now, which is making me feel guilty - but then I remember I had a grilled veggie flatbread and a cup of Maryland Crab soup. Not bad!
I got a bike for my birthday - I think I'm going to take a ride tonight :)
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