Saturday, April 30, 2011
I was just commenting on a fellow Sparker's page about her topic and it started my ball rolling about how I've ended up with self-hate and depression. Self-esteem issues are definitely part of my attitude about myself, my body, and what I choose to put in my mouth. Putting food in my mouth was always the way to soothe a bad day or reward a good one.
Part of it, to me it seems, the use of food as a "reward" for good things especially as a child. I used to love going to the dentist and getting a sucker, going to McD with my report card for a free burger, or reading books and getting a free pizza from Pizza and so on. I started to work for things that gave a reward instead of learning about nutrition and self love. My mom made it a point to say I couldn't do things until I cleaned my plate. (There were starving children after all so I shouldn't waste a thing.)
When I left home, I thought I was going to get a handle on my food issues once and for all. Since I was the one buying the groceries, I would select only the best things. I would get healthy stuff and then crappy stuff as a reward for my week of good eating. Weeks later, I would end up with nothing nutritious and only junk food in the cabinets in fridge. I then hated myself for not keeping up with my "diet". I truly believed that if I could lose weight I would be able to eat anything I wanted. Thank God I found this website to understand that is not the case. Depriving myself and later "rewarding" myself keeps me on this yo-yo of never getting to my goals.
I'm using site as a tool to learn how to love myself and learn more about what my body needs instead of what my taste buds think they deserve. My tummy is no longer happy with fried foods (and neither was my cholestrol) and I'm starting to remember the lessons from a crazy meal.
It's a slow process to change years of habits and it's so wonderful not be alone. My partner is on board, but most importantly, I am on this party train.
Next stop: Better Health St and Loving Myself Ave.