Friday, March 30, 2012
A word of warning: This is not a cheerful, happy, motivational blog post. It's not super depressive, but it contains a few things that I just had to get out of my system before they eat me up.
Wednesday - two days ago - I woke up fresh and eager because this was the day my cast was to be taken off my arm and I was also having my stitches removed. That meant two things:
1) No more awkward washing and showering
2) I could go running again
The latter is a bit surprising, but I've really come to enjoy my exercising sessions and I was looking forward to being able to build them up again.
My run was good, though I was surprised how exhausted I was considering I only had a week long break - goes to show how important it is to maintain your fitness and not skip any sessions!
I expected to write a happy, cheerful post about how I was getting back into the swing of things. Then some personal stuff happened that just left me a complete wreck. I didn't sleep that night, at all. And my body reacted in a really strange way, too.
Normally, when I'm stressed out or upset I eat. I sit there on the sofa trying to take my mind of things by mindlessly munching, preferably sweet things. I'm sure we've all been there at one point or another. But this time, I couldn't even be around food. It all tasted and smelled horrible and I struggled to get anything past my lips. My food intake for yesterday is pitifully low, but I've just completely lost my appetite. The only thing that seemed to help was exercise, which I did a lot of and boy, can I feel it today.
Anyway, it's Friday now and I've barely slept again, though a lot of things are now resolved and I'm fine mentally. My appetite is still not back and I had to force myself to eat anything for breakfast. I lost 2 pounds in a day and here's the dilemma: I'm not sure whether or not I'm happy about it.
I mean, any weight loss is good, surely? You could have asked me a year or so ago and my eyes would have lit up. I would have tried to find some way or another to make myself as miserable as possible in order to make sure my appetite stayed down and my urge to exercise stayed high.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking full-blown depression here, just a very rough one and a half days. Everyone gets a bad day from time to time, or even a really horrible day. What astounds me is that
A) I didn't comfort eat.
B) That I lost a fairly large amount of weight in just a day and I'm not over the moon about it.
I'm not over the moon about it, because I know it wasn't a healthy way of losing that weight. How annoying is that, you just can't please me, eh? But joking aside, it's shown me that maybe I'm not quite as concerned about the way I look as I always thought. At some point concerns about my health overtook concerns about my looks and that is a HUGE step for me, as I used to try every crash diet and hardcore bootcamp workout going. I always put being skinny above being healthy, but suddenly it's the other way around.
I would say my priorities have changed completely. Just last year it would have been:
1) Being skinny
2) Anything else
I just assumed that reaching a certain target weight would bring instant happiness.
Now I'd have a tough time deciding whether being happy or being healthy come first, but being skinny is a lot further down the list.
Maybe this will be the key to success that I've been longing for for so long?
Saturday, March 24, 2012
I overate today. And yesterday. And I didn't do any exercise either. And no, I'm not proud of it, but it's okay.
My surgery was two days ago and even though I tried to squeeze in some high intensity housework (yes, that counts as exercise) on the Thursday before I had to go to hospital, the painkillers I had to take yesterday and today meant it would have been irresponsible to go outside and exercise on my own. Of course that was no excuse to overeat, but I'm not going to beat myself up. Excuses are lame, but if there's a reason to relax the regime a little then surgery is certainly it.
I know it's undone a lot of the good work that I've done over the past few weeks, but it's okay, because I can fix it.
The good news is that tomorrow I can probably start doing some gentle exercise again, so I'll be taking the dog for a long walk. The doctor told me it would be fine to go running as soon as I'm ready, so I'm probably gonna wait until they take my cast off on Wednesday and go for it!
I'm nowhere near ready to give up on myself. Now or ever for that matter.
And a random fact: I felt like diet coke today, so I had some. I used to practically live off that stuff, but haven't had any for a long time and oh my goodness, did it taste strange. I don't drink regular soda because it's just too freaking sweet for me, but now even the diet version tastes like syrup. It's like my taste buds are finally getting back to normal, haha!
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Today was the last time I could do halfway normal exercise for a while now. Tomorrow I'm having surgery on my wrist and I have no idea how I'll be feeling afterwards and how soon I can take up exercise again. Though of course I'm raring to go as soon as possible!
I say "of course" like it's such a natural thing, but actually it's not. In the past whenever I wanted to lose weight I preferred to eat around 500 calories a day and spend the majority of my time absolutely starving, just so I'd lose weight without having to exercise. I hate exercise. It's boring, takes time out of your day and I absolutely hate the way it makes you feel sweaty and messes up your hair (shallow, me?).
Then something clicked and suddenly I love exercising and my regular walks and runs. I don't know what happened to change this - and trust me, I wish I did, cause I'd write a book about it and become rich. ;)
So having to take a break literally couldn't have come at a worse time. But for now I'm just going to hope that the operation will actually make my arm better, so (relatively) soon I'll be able to take my pick from even more sports and activities than before!
Today I pushed myself extra hard on my run. Who cares if my muscles ache tomorrow, it's not like I have to do anything, anyway.
In the mean time I'm going to have to work on keeping my motivation high and try not to be off the radar for too long! And of course, having my arm in a cast shouldn't stop me from making healthy food choices either!
Monday, March 19, 2012
Just thought I'd write this up while I'm still excited and happy after completing my run. I'm currently following a programme which sees me running for a bit and then walking to recover. It's strange but a while ago I couldn't actually do the easiest session, but at the moment it seems to be too easy for me, even though I'm running on extremely hilly, off-road terrain!
I tried not to get too ahead of myself, however, and just ran a bit faster rather than skip a couple of weeks on my programme. Today I came back and I feel like I could have done more, but maybe that's a good thing, because it will only keep me raring to go next time.
Now I'm off to have a nice warming bubble bath, I think I deserve a treat now!
Sunday, March 18, 2012
I decided to write about this as my first blog post, as I've been struggling for the past few months and thought that there may be a lot of people who are going through or have been through the same problems as me.
First off, I'm a bit of a yo-yo dieter. From time to time I gain too much weight and decide that I need to lose it. I'd start exercising, cut out the junk food and lose a stone or two. Then I'd start getting complacent and the weight would slowly creep up again until I couldn't fit into my clothes once again and something had to change once more. It wasn't an ideal situation, but surely being skinny some of the time is better than never being thin, right?
Anyway, everything changed last summer. I was starting to experience pain in my wrist after work, but thought it was just strained and would get better with a bit of rest. But no. The pain kept getting worse, but every time I went to see a doctor they told me it was nothing and I should just take some painkillers.
And then it got really bad. I couldn't get through a day at work without literally getting tears in my eyes from the pain. I couldn't cook, clean, do the shopping or even lean on my hand. The doctors told me to rest my wrist while they took months to do tests only to tell me that once more, it was nothing.
At that time, things started going wrong. I felt like I was utterly useless, being sat at home most of the time doing occasional reception work while my fiance was bringing home the money and had to do everything around the house as well. There wasn't a lot of exercise I could do and what didn't hurt my arm I didn't feel like doing anyway, because I was feeling too miserable. As I couldn't cook we had takeaway food or frozen ready meals most of the time.
As you might imagine, the pounds kept piling on, but rather than get off my butt and do something about it, my increasing weight just added to my misery and I kept telling myself that there was nothing I could do anyway.
Two years ago I'd run a 5k race for charity and went jogging for an hour four times a week. At the beginning of this year I put my running shoes back on and was completely shocked when I was out of breath, redfaced and completely unable to even run for 60 seconds! So, rather than push myself, I just gave up again and resigned myself to a "fat and useless existance".
I couldn't get started on building a career for myself, as my whole life felt like it was on hold.
I've since visited a hand specialist and I finally know what's going on. Unfortunately, it seemed to be bad news on top of bad news and because a large part of the cartilage in my wrist is completely torn it will never be healthy again. Once you're an adult cartilage doesn't grow back anymore and my only option is surgery to prevent it from getting even worse and even more painful. To be honest with you, that was quite a blow. I spent the rest of the day crying.
Then, somehow, it occurred to me: My life wasn't on hold. This was only part of the journey. I know it sounds incredibly cheesy, but I realised then that I couldn't just give up on myself. I could no longer hide behind the excuse of injury and refuse to take control of my life.
I started going for long walks every day. Eventually I took the plunge and went running again. Though I was easing myself in with mixed periods of running and walking it was still hell, but I grit my teeth and told myself that eventually it would get easier again.
What I'd been waiting for happened yesterday. I was running up a hill and realised that sure, it was difficult, but I was doing it. My legs weren't burning and my lungs didn't feel like they would explode any second now. My body was getting stronger. After feeling for months and months that my body was letting me down, this feeling was a revelation. I practically flew the rest of the way.
Since I started changing my ways I've lost 4kg. For a lot of people that might not be an awful lot, but for the first time in my life I don't particularly care about the number on the scales. It's the changes in my body, the strength I gain every time I get off the sofa and force myself to be active, that makes me so incredibly happy and proud.
I have joined this site because I have more surgery scheduled for Thursday and I need something to keep me on track and prevent me from going back to how it used to be. I am writing this to remind myself that injury does not stop your life in its tracks. It's annoying, yeah. It's sure as anything frustrating, too. But it's part of the journey and only another challenge you will one day look back on and be proud you overcame.
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