Wednesday, July 20, 2011
First, this is for Blaize :)
V-8 Fusion Cranberry juice (4 oz)
Egg White, Spinach and Mushroom Omelet
Coffee w/ creamer
Coffee mug made by Stemme Fatale
The same Fit & Active bar from yesterday, but w/out the wrapper...looks a little gross lol
Lunch, same cream cheese, raisin and walnut wrap. Added grapes.
LUNCH PART DEUX:
I knew today would be a hard day, so I used the filling for my usual 1 wrap and divided it into two low carb high fiber tortillas - only adding 50 calories onto my lunch, but having a great afternoon snack that was filling. (one of my secrets). Plus light string cheese.
Greek yogurt with fresh blueberries
Mini Cliff Bar - how cute is this? 100 cals. (I've decided wrapped looks tastier than unwrapped chocolate bars hehe)
Chicken, whole grain rice and broccoli
And of course throughout the day I drink at least 4-5 of these
I had another sundae
I was hungry after my run, so had a half serving of Fit & Active crackers with a wedge of WW cheese. (taken on my couch, was too tired to get up).
Plus wine (I only drank half of what you see here).
(Wine glass made by Stemme Fatale as well - my special "You'd Better Run B*tch" glass)
(All nutritional totals are in my public nutritional page..This is roughly 1750 cals for the day)
Saturday, July 16, 2011
We all know that famous celebrities, models, politicians...virutally everyone is being photoshopped nowadays. We have to look perfect. We have to look beautiful. Beauty is defined in our society by what other people think of us. And it's not right. Having two daughters, one who just turned 5, but when she was 4 in preschool feeling pressured ALREADY to wear makeup and that she wasn't pretty enough..well, this is a subject that is close to my heart, to say the least.
I have a confession to make.
I photoshop myself.
Before you feel like I have misrepresented myself, hear me out.
It isn't every photo. It isn't any photo on Facebook, for my FB friends.
I don't make myself look thinner, or whiten my teeth.
It's just some photos that get close up and personal.
Because I suffer from psoriasis and have for over 20 years.
See, it's just parts of my skin that I "fix". I use a handy tool in Photoshop that is called the "healing brush". Isn't that a nice word? Healing.
This confession has been coming for a while now...earlier this week I was talking to my dear friend Blaize about my skin disease (yes, psoriasis is a disease but it isn't catching), and I felt the need to come clean about how I hide it in some of my photos since she could never tell.
For those Spark friends who have met me, you probably couldn't tell either.
I'm "lucky"...I have it in places that are easily hidden....and for the places on my face I use lots of coverup. However, lets just say that nude modeling is NOT in my future. My body is at times 80% covered with lesions.
But I'm coming out from the shadows...I feel sick about this and I at the time, earlier in the week, I felt this, too, and I didn't really know why. Blaize understood and knows about psoriasis and the self-esteem issues it causes, she has family members who suffer from it.
But still. I am a very honest person....and this was kind of my "dirty little secret".
Today I read my daughter Lucy the book "You are Special" by Max Lucado. In it there is a woodworker named Eli who represents God. The wooden puppets that he makes have a system where they put a star on those who are beautiful or talented, and a dot on those that aren't. Well one poor puppet named Punchinello got bombarded with dots because he was different. He was ugly. He had no talent. He meets a girl named Lucia who had no dots or stars. It turns out that because she didn't care what the others said, and only cared what God thought of her that their stars and dots didn't stick to her. It's one of my favorite stories to read the girls.
As I was reading that this nagging thought kept chipping away at my brain....about MY values and why I cared what the Spark community might think of my very real psoriasis dots.
Then I was directed to this website by a new Sparkie in the Chicago team and it touched something so deep inside of me....about beauty and how sometimes we don't find ourselves beautiful....how I don't find MYSELF beautiful.
I realized that I don't love my body....in fact I hate my psoriasis and how it alters my body and makes others look at me strange. Over the years I've heard some terrible things from mostly strangers, not my friends or family. But still...it hurts. I've been asked if I was burned in a terrible fire, or if I had AIDS and just last week a guy in my running group asked if I was attacked by a dog.
It's these comments that made me look for a solution (other than the very real drugs, doctors, naturalists, hypnosis, etc. that I've had over the years). I could just use the "healing brush". It started maybe about a year back, when I started to lose enough weight that you could tell the difference. I would actually have a picture that I LIKED. Wow! It was a new feeling. And then I would see my psoriasis...ruining the entire photo...until I discovered the "healing brush", of course. That changed it all. I could look beautiful to me and to others!
Well, the thrill is gone. It hurts me to realize that I don't honestly think I AM beautiful. That I need to hide behind a facade. I am crying now writing this because I feel I have lied to you all...let you down....
What would my daughters think...that Momma's a fake? I'm telling them to love themselves as they are. Just as they are. But I'm not doing that.
I've removed all touched up photos from my Spark page. I apologize for any misrepresentation. From now on what you will see is me.
The real me.
Left, my original photo. Right, my touched up version.
I know that the difference here is subtle...you may not notice my face, the spot on my collar bone or by my breasts. But I do....and I felt a need to hide it.
Me today, no makeup. No touchup. (taken on cell phone)
Lyrics from the song "You Are Beautiful" by Mercy Me
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
Monday, July 11, 2011
Remember those essays you had to write in school after returning from summer break? Well, here's what I did on my Summer Vacation...
I woke up with the sun and did yoga
I took my vitamins
I tracked my food, writing it all down on paper (no Internet connection at the cottage)
I drank only 2 glasses of wine per day, if at all.
I walked 2 miiles with Leslie.
I ran 2 miles on a rural road, admiring the blueberry fields.
I walked countless miles with my dogs.
I swam across the lake and back.
I paddleboated across the lake and back.
I ate carrots with hummus vs. chips and dip.
I made a healthy pb&j before eating a processed snack.
I did yoga when the sun went down.
I got my Dad and hubby to walk a mile with Leslie (no small feat!)
I took my dog on a walk with my bathing suit on and felt fine.
I did strength training.
I held the twins when my sister needed a break and changed them, and rocked them, and sang to them.
I biked 6 miles to the local grocery store to get baby wipes vs. my hubby driving to Wal-Mart.
I played with my girls in the sand, running up the hill, dancing with them.
I also played countless games of Scrabble, devoured books, relaxed in the sun and enjoyed a nice glass of wine now and then.
I also fully enjoyed eating all the wrong things 20% (ok, sometimes 30%) of the time.
But I felt AMAZING.
And when I got home and saw that I had gained 3 lbs. while on my vacation do you know what I did?
Those 3 lbs. are such a joke that I am not going to let them defeat me or define me. I know that they, like my vacation, won't last long. They are HISTORY.
Because, and this is sortof funny (and sort of frustrating)....when I was figuring my 80/20 plan, I forgot one small thing...
My body doesn't DO well on 20% bad. My body craves goodness 100% of the time. And yes, that stinks....BUT I am not perfect and don't strive to be. I am just going to take those 3 lbs. and kindly tell them to get off at the next stop.
I had a great time, and wouldn't have changed a thing.
OK, maybe I would have turned down the pork rinds, but hey, a girl has to satisfy that oh-so-wrong craving once in a while, doesn't she?
I hope you all had wonderful holiday weekends as well!
A picture I snapped on the trail after realizing I was in my bathing suit on a semi-public road and didn't care (untouched).
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