Wednesday, January 26, 2011
I did it. I had to do it. I had been putting it off for so long and I knew I had to do it. Yesterday I ended my gym membership.
Big sobs and tears! Some of you may have read my blog, “Love Poem to My Indoor Track”.
I LOVE that track! Well, loved.
But the reality was that I wasn’t going to the gym as much and I couldn’t justify the cost. The baby is teething; she is needier than she was when she was all cute and quiet. She’s still cute, don’t get me wrong, but as a working mother it is so difficult to go home to your little ones only to leave them again to workout. Or to workout straight from work and not see those cute little faces until you are tucking them into bed. I was running after dinner, baths, and bedtime for a while – but that was exhausting, getting to the gym at 9 and home past 10 and then being all hopped up on adrenaline that I couldn’t fall asleep until midnight or later, and getting up for work the next day and doing it all again. I did go to the gym a few times before they got up, but that is also difficult.
I had tried to “break up” with my gym two other times, retracting my cancellation letter as soon as it was sent. But the thing of it is, I can’t afford it anymore. So I need to move on.
A year ago I wasn’t the same person I am today. Not just physically, but mentally. Last year I do believe that I NEEDED the gym, that without it I would have fallen quickly, like a trapeze artist without a net, and my weight loss efforts would have died. I depended on the gym, it was always there for me, and it inspired me to move. At the time someone here on Spark told me that there are two kinds of motivation. Those things you feel like you *have* to do, and those things that you *want* to do. Both can be healthy things. Last year I was in a land of *haves*. I HAD to go to the gym, HAD to plan my foods. It was my life preserver in the sea of weight loss. At the time this Sparker told me that when I was ready, I would do things because I WANTED to do them, and that I would have motivation to do it without the safety net of the gym. At the time I knew I wasn’t in that place, but now I believe I am.
I am going to visit the local Y tonight and see if they can give me a lower rate due to financial reasons, being a single-income family with two kids. They have a pool and an indoor track. But if that won’t work with our budget, I know I will be OK. Because now I’m in the place where I WANT to do it. I WANT to get that workout in, and I love how it makes me feel. I can honestly say that I LOVE running now. A year ago I would have never thought I would be saying that.
There is a free fitness facility at my work that I can workout at. I have never done so until yesterday, despite working here for 3 yrs. already. It is small, only a little over 4,000 sq. ft., but it was nice. There are 3 treadmills, 3 ellipticals and 3 stair masters plus all weights you could need. There's a separate ladies' locker room with two showers, and you need a key card to get in the fitness center, and a key to get into the woman's room, so it's very safe. And it's FREE. And I got to workout at LUNCH. I got home to my kids and husband sooner. It was quite nice.
So my plan is to run on the treadmill at my work facility 2-3x a week, then run outside when it gets a little warmer, and also do Leslie tapes in the morning, I aim for a mile a day, 5 days a week. I love her!
I’m tempted to spend money on equipment so I can run outside. Yaktrax, arm warmers (those are too cute!) and other things. These things will make me feel "safe". But I’m not going to. Not just yet. I can’t replace one expense (the health club) with another right now. I need to work with what I have.
Also, there are benefits to running inside on a treadmill that I never knew about. For example, did you know there is a "5k" setting on most treadmills? It has the course all laid out for you. Here’s a link to an article about the benefits on indoor running for anyone interested. I think this sort of training, combined with my walking and outside running, will really help me to be a better runner.
Sometimes the answer to prayer is right under your nose, all you have to do is look!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Today I feel depressed. Money is the main factor, but I wonder if I need more Vitamin D or something, too. I am Down with a capital D! I need to stop spending money on things I don't need.
For example, my small vintage coffee maker that resided in my closet writing office at home that I LOVED (but never used because I barely write anymore) had to recently be thrown out because I had left grounds in the filter and they got really moldy - scary, life-threatening moldy - and I had to throw it out, there was no way I could ever completely get that clean, and I didn't want to ingest mold every time I drank coffee and get some kind of cancer later in life.
What's the first thing I do?
Look for another one, of course.
I want a cute, small, vintage one. Maybe even cuter than my moldy one.
Then I hear a sound much like a vinyl record being abruptly taken off a record player. I thought why? Why do I NEED this? Yes, I love the sound of coffee dripping and brewing as I write. Sometimes the smell of it is the only thing that will wake me up at 5 a.m., ready to rub my eyes and write.
My closet office is (in)conveniently located between my two young daughter's bedrooms and how many times has that coffee percolating woken them up? I'm already like a thief in the night, trying to creep slowly into my office, writing softly so as to not make noise and wake them, cutting my writing session short. Can't I just make coffee downstairs, put it in a thermos (another one of my passions, vintage thermoses) and bring it up? Or use that cute percolator iI just "had" to have last year but have never used?
And it's not only this. For me it's with most everything. I'm not honoring my dreams as I should. With running I'm too chicken to get out there in the cold and run, yet I'll buy a super cute jacket, inspired by my friend Jenn (KITHKINCAID), who by the way, DOES run in the cold, unlike myself. Yes, it was cute. Yes, it was on sale. Yes, it was a great deal. But am I going to USE it enough? Am I just looking the part and not playing the part? I bought that jacket for LATER. Not now, too cold.
I purchase books, notebooks and pens that inspire me to honor my writer self, but how often am I actually writing? I have my office walls filled with inspirational notes, quotes and prayers, but what decorates my page? Nothing.
Do I do this in all areas of my life? To a point.
Yes, I've come far. I'm not saying I haven't. You don't lose 80 lbs. by just waking up one day and the fat fairy has paid you a visit. But I also store up my dreams in the shape of books, gadgets, thermoses. I don't get them out there on paper, my feet don't hit the street. (Instead I'm paying for a gym membership I can't afford because they have a cushy indoor track). What would my life look like if instead of paying off (or into) my dreams, I instead honored them, gave them life and breath and let them just BE. Evolve. Become. How would that look? Am I afraid?
How many things do we buy, store up, just to not use them. Things that on the outside appear to honor our dreams, things that the person we want to be would use: a treadmill that becomes a skeleton in the corner, those new running shoes that have their own home in the closet, or that gym membership that is wasting away.
I am going to strive to honor my dreams, to "Just Do It" as Nike says. I am going to stop shopping for my inner dreams, instead I will live them out. Test the waters. What is the worst that can happen? I fall on ice? Get rejected? I said in an earlier blog that I have dreams tucked away in drawers. I not only have that, but dreams written on notebook pages, books, napkins, old menus and Post-It notes. They aren't typed up. Who knows they exist?
When I find these little gems, I usually see that I have written something insightful, profound, funny or just plain GOOD. And it's lost in the cluttered universe of my closet office. From the website behind The Weekend Novelist, the book I'm reading the author stressed to "Type up what you write."
Why? Three reasons:
• Don't throw yourself away
• Honor your words
• Discipline is your obligation to the gift
This is your life, this is your memory, this is your work. Don't Throw Yourself Away. Honor Your Words.
I would say the same goes for ANY of our dreams. Don't throw yourself away, honor yourself and discipline is key.
In a devotional I am reading, today's entry states:
"We often talk about all the things we need, but in reality there is only one thing that we need, we need grace upon us. If you and I will allow the grace of God to have full reign in our lives, nothing will be impossible to us." - Joyce Meyer
I'm going to honor my dreams, or try to, little by little each day. I'm going to live them up. Stop shopping for the person I want to be and start living like that person - now - minus all the fun "stuff".
And you? What are your dreams? Do you honor them? Or hide them up with more "stuff"? How about we take the first step together, and write them down. Every dream, no matter how silly, big, or small, write it down.
The images in this blog are from a graphic artist, Valentina Ramos. On her blog site she has a link to a free download where you can print and write down all your dreams. Try it. You might like it ;)
Image from Valentina Ramos @ www.valentinaramos.blogspot.com
Thursday, January 13, 2011
To become the person that God has always intended me to be. To reach my goal weight, a total weight loss of 120 pounds. To carry that weight has been a heavy burden. I will live lighter, as if I am already that weight. And while I’m doing it I will honor God and teach my daughters the meaning of grace, forgiveness, healing and self worth. I will not let my dreams die in little drawers in my desk. Two novels await my inspection. I will let them fly, instead.
I created an arcostic poem to define this year:
R eady, set, go!
E at within my calorie range.
A ttitude – gotta have the right one to win.
C hange is key.
H eal my heart, my past.
G o for the distance, the gold.
O vercome all obstacles that get in my way.
A chieve my dreams.
L et go
W hy wait? Do it NOW.
E xtra workouts feel good.
I am worth it.
G od first. The rest will follow.
H unger is never emotional.
Monday, January 03, 2011
As you all know, I gained this month. Big. But I took a look back at my notes and found some good stuff in December. I had some moments. And taking a look back at where I've come from and knowing that if I lost 40 lbs. in 2010, almost 80 lbs. total, I know I will reach my goal weight in 2011, which is only 40 lbs. away.
I am a new person. A different person. I have hope, I know I will reach my goal.
Start weight: 218
End weight: 225
Weight lost: 0 lbs.
Weight gained: 7 lbs.
Total weight lost: 73 lbs.
Fitness accomplishments: None. Barely worked out this month.
I now fit into a size 16 jean!!!!
I now fit into a size 12 shirt!
I really wanted a gooey, cheesy Panini for lunch one day but got a healthy salad instead. Rise UP veggies!
I got more compliments on how I look.
I got a sexy new short hair cut and embraced the inner short-hair girl within. I love short hair! Don’t know why I was trying to grow it out. My hair doesn’t like being long.
I had an excellent weekend nutrition-wise and logged it all AND stayed at the LOW end of my range, and I didn’t feel deprived or miss a thing!
I stopped at Dunkin Donuts to get some coffee and the munchkins were calling my name (small silly little things, aren’t they?) and I ignored them. Pffft.
I actually bounced in one of those blow up moon walk things that had a slide in it – usually my husband is the one to take the kids in those things, but at this birthday party we went to we all went in together and slid down as a family! I would have never done that in my life before. It was a good workout, too!
I went to the Cheesecake Factory and ordered salad AND didn’t have cheesecake!
A woman who works in my office building called me “Twiggy” and said that I’ve lost a whole person. She also said that I inspired her to check out Spark and to lose some weight she wanted to lose as well. She said that usually when you see someone every day you don’t see changes, but that with me she always sees a change, every week almost.
I turned down biscuits and gravy for cereal and blueberries.
Things I’ve learned:
To not take everything so seriously…or personally.
Be who you ARE, not who you think you should be.
A LOOK BACK - 2010 vs. 2011
I AM SO DONE! I AM GOING TO START AND FINISH 2011 STRONG!
Saturday, January 01, 2011
So here it is, 2011! Woo hoo!!! Or...not. I thought I would be in ONEderland or pretty darn close to it at this time of year, I thought I would ring in the new year a slimmer me, and a me that would soon reach her goal weight.
Well I AM slimmer. I WILL reach my goal weight this year. BUT. I have gained the dreaded 10 lbs. (ok, only 9, but it sure feels like 10) that the holidays can put on. And the thing that really irks me is this is all within the past week or so of being on vacation from work and of Christmas and New Years. I maintained through Thanksgiving.
I am not going to lie. I am depressed!
But I am thankful that this happened, in a way, as much as I hate it. It has shown me just how easy it is to get back to that place I used to be, to become that person I used to be, the girl who binged and purged and then binged again. The girl who was never full enough, and then was all too full. The girl that didn't like herself.
When I saw the scale hit 225.5, up from 216, I hated myself for a brief minute there. Hated my body. Hated that I have to do everything 100% right or I gain. Hated that I have to give 200% just to lose. I felt, for just a moment, that it was hopeless.
But I know that is not the case, I know I can come back from this. I know that all of those thoughts in my head were just lies and I am not going to let that negative force win this race!
So here is my list of things to do to get back on track, and to make me happy. Call them what you will, some say resolutions, some say to do lists, some call it simply a plan. I am calling it "How to Begin Again".
1. Drink a tall bottle of water.
3. Forgive yourself.
4. Remember that you are human.
5. See and recognize how far you have come.
6. Update Spark tracker to reflect current weight and don't look back.
7. Sign up for the 8K I will RUN this spring.
8. Go to the bookstore and purchase the new paperback edition of The Spark. Read the special guide.
9. Give away my hard cover copy to my brother-in-law who has climbed back up to his high weight.
10. MOVE. I will work out in some way, shape or form every day.
11. WRITE. I will write with a pen, pencil, crayon or keyboard every day.
12. Smile. At myself in the mirror, at strangers on the street, at my family.
13. Get stronger. Add more strength training into my routine.
14. RUN. Get back to the track, girl. That's where you shine and what makes your heart flutter.
15. Set goals that are high.
16. Start the way you will end.
17. Believe in yourself.
18. Don't be tempted to try quick fix solutions. You got here and you know how to get back.
19. Join Spark People's Boot Camp Challenge.
20. Just DO IT.
"You will fly and you will crawl. God knows, even angels fall" - Jessica Riddle
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