Thursday, September 30, 2010
I have been very proud of myself and my willpower, or what I more like to think of as my planning and my change in tastes. It's been easier lately for me to turn down snacks at work, cake at parties and junk food at friends houses. I always have a plan and I stick to it.
Except when it comes to my parents' house.
Being the place where I nurtured my eating disorder since the first grade, it is the hardest place for me to go and stay on plan. This is the place where the memories are the strongest. I remember hoarding food in my room, I remember the hours I spent after eating and then purging, and then eating again. I was too full, and then I was not full enough. I remember that pain. And when my family sees the new me emerging, I can see that they aren't quite sure what to make of it, and they offer me the pizza, the wine, the cake. In my warped mind, they are testing me, not being good hosts.
Last week was the first time I kept to my plan at my parents' house. I had brought a pre-made spinach salad complete with toppings and dressing, and knowing they were having pizza, the usual, I saved enough calories to have ONE piece. And I did it. I felt like the cycle was broken. (Usually I just don't track on the days I go to their house, and we get together once a week).
Last night it was a double celebration - my mom's and sister's birthdays. I wasn't prepared. I had planned to stop at home and pack a salad as I did before, but my baby girl was sick and so I ended up going straight to their house from work, leaving my husband to watch over the girls. I had no plan. My dad called and asked what I wanted on my pizza, and I said - salad? So he was nice enough to oblige, and ordered a salad for me. Well...salads at pizza joints aren't really "salads", not in the terms of a filling, healthy salad. I was presented with a mound of iceberg lettuce and a few red onions. I still tried - I filled up my plate with all of the lettuce and added some vinegar and oil dressing. I took one small piece of pizza, because I knew this salad wouldn't fill me. I spent more time talking than eating. I was doing good.
Until the wine was poured. I agreed to one small glass. Well, me and wine equals me and food. It's a sad love affair. The more I sip, the more I eat. So one piece of pizza turned to two. Turned to three. Turned to 3 1/2. And then. The cake. The cake I had previously turned down at work for a co-worker's birthday. The cake I never eat! I took half a slice.
I left feeling so bloated and just gross. I was on a roll, and had to literally stop myself from pulling over at the Dairy Queen because I had a hankering for a Peanut Buster Parfait. I haven't had one of those in like 10 years. But yet, I wanted it. It was like the little girl inside, the one who was always chubby, always wore husky pants, was never picked for teams in gym class, the girl who boys pretended to like because it was so funny to see my reaction when I thought a boy actually LIKED me, well it was like this old girl got back inside of me and said, "eat...it will get better. just eat."
I went to bed with a headache and a belly ache, and to be honest, a heart ache. I thought I was past this point. I thought I was over the hurdle of this sad, young, fat me bombarding my life. This little girl who lies to me because that's all she knows.
It was ok. It will be ok, but not because of the food.
I was honest enough to track it all down, every last bite, and my total calories yesterday were 2,233. I actually had a deficit of -30 calories somehow, it must have been the mile with Leslie I did in the morning.
This morning is a new day. I am not going to beat myself up over yesterday. Will I have a better plan when going to my parents' house next time? YES. I will not go empty handed again. I put on my best black dress, the one that hugs my hips. I had a healthy breakfast this morning and a lot of water. I am going to be ok.
But I worry. I worry about my daughters and what sort of world they are going to grow up in. If I was teased when I was little, what's in store for them? I heard on the news this morning that a poor boy his freshman year at college, a promising violinist, committed suicide because his roommate videotaped him in relations with another man and broadcast it to the school. This poor young man saw the only way out as taking his own life. My heart is so sad, and heavy, over this news. What is the world coming to? I mean, really.
My daughter is 4 and she already feels this pressure. Girls in her class are already wearing makeup - yes, makeup. Girls are already talking about boys. She talks about one of her friends who happens to be a boy and how he doesn't want to play with her. She takes everything to heart, and I see myself. She takes any sort of rejection and pins that to her sleeve and some inner voice tells her that she isn't good enough. She is FOUR. I try to explain that sometimes boys don't want to play with girls. But that's not it, not really. She looks at herself and is already comparing. Her hair isn't straight like the other girls, it's kinky and curly (I love it). She is taller than the other girls, she is smarter and thinks more in her head, is more introverted at times. She sees all of these differences and instead of realizing that this is what makes the world such an awesome place, she wants to be the SAME as everyone, wants to conform. I want to cry.
I don't know what the solution is. For her, for me. But what I DO know is that tonight I'm mapping out a route. We are going on a mommy daughter walk and I'm going to make stops along the way. I know where a great park is, I know where wishes lie, waiting to be blown away in a field, I know where the ballerinas dance. And I know where my heart lies. In her. And at each stop along the way, I'm going to tell her how beautiful she is. How wonderful she is. How her kinky hair bounces when she dances, how her dress twirls just so. How my world wouldn't quite spin the same without her. And we'll lie down in the field of wishes and try to feel the earth spin.
Monday, September 27, 2010
The morning started off early and with a bowl of organic cornflakes with some cranberries on top. My stomach was nervous and tight and I wasn't very hungry. But I wanted to eat something to help me finish the race and give me energy. I don't know why I was nervous, I shouldn't be since this is my third 5k, but I was. I had asked my sister, Kris, to run it with me, she is such a source of strength and support for me. I was so happy to have her by my side. Also my brother-in-law decided 4 days beforehand that he was going to run it too, although he had never run a 5k. He wanted to run for his mother, the same as me, but also for friends he's lost and those that suffer from cancer. My best friend's sister also ran, it was her first 5k as well.
Me (right) with my running partner and sister, Kris (left).
My brother-in-law Mike with Marlo, pre-race
Me, Mike and Marlo, pre-race
Me, Mike and the girls, pre-race
Me, my husband Jim and Marlo
Kris, me and Mike, pre-race
First we visited the memorial garden, where I had purchased a ribbon to honor Jim's mom. It was front and center and just brought tears to my eyes. It brought it all home, why I was doing this, and the cause I was supporting. A world without cancer would be a beautiful place indeed. I thought about her and felt peace wash over me.
In Honor of Carmella Kubik, Jim's mother
The Memorial Garden
Jim's brother Mike (left) and my husband Jim (right) with Marlo in front of their mother's ribbon.
Then it was time to line up. The announcer walked us through some stretches and warmed us up. Now my nerves were really on fire! I was excited, though.
The start line
Can you see me with my head band on?
Then we were off! I started off at a faster pace than normal, I think it was all the adrenaline.
When we reached the 1 mile marker my pace was a little over 11 minutes, which is fast for me. I don't recall what it was at the 2nd mile marker. The last mile was difficult for me. I think it always is, this is where I hit my mental block. I tried to get into my zone, but every part of me felt like it was on fire. This is when I realize how much different it is to run on a nice, padded track vs. on the street. I think going forward into fall I will incorporate more street runs in my training to get that experience and to help me in my races. As we rounded the last stretch there was a group of Girl Scouts who had signs and were cheering and clapping and they held their hands out for people to high five. I slapped each one of their hands and that gave me the extra push to finish. They were so sweet!
Heading toward the finish line. Missy (left), me (middle), Kris (right).
I did it!
I finished in 36:01 minutes! This is a pace of 11:37 per mile. This is a personal record for me. My fastest time previously had been 39 minutes. At the end I wanted to push it even more, my sister said "let's sprint! but my body was just not cooperating. It felt like heavy mud, or like I was running through heavy mud. It was a chilly day out, everyone else had long sleeves under their shirt but I didn't because I knew how hot I get running. I ranked #262 in a group of 401 5k runners. I wasn't at the end of the pack!
My family at the finish line.
As I crossed the finish line my 4 yr. old daughter, Lucy, was waiting for me. She gave me a big hug and it was so nice to see my family, my husband Jim, my baby Marlo and my parents had even come out to cheer on their two daughters. My best friend's sister finished at the same time as me, actually a bit ahead, and then my brother in law finished in a little over 39 minutes. I am so proud of him! He hadn't trained at all, he literally just ran to honor those who have lost their lives and for those still suffering and that pushed him through it. He kept my pace for the first mile and half and I couldn't be prouder of him! I know that without training I wouldn't have made it a block. I love the Couch to 5k program and it has changed my life so much. I praise the Lord that something got inside of me a year ago and made me decide to change my life. I am so much happier now than before, and I went from being a certified "couch potato" to running 3 5Ks this year so far, and 3 more planned. Only God can work through a person like that!
Afterward we went out to breakfast and I was going to get some healthy oatmeal, but then the breakfast burrito caught my eye. I had them add avocado, and I only ate half of it, and it was so good, hit the spot. I didn't eat the hash browns at all.
Half of my breakfast burrito.
Much needed coffee.
My family (a bit blurry, but you get the idea).
Marlo fell asleep on the car ride home, I guess it was all a bit too much excitement for her, lol.
The race route.
Monday, September 20, 2010
A year ago my ideal weekend would include lots of couch time, lots of fried foods, and lots of drinking. Perhaps a nap...or two.
The way I have changed not only physically, but mentally as well is just a true testimony to the things that are possible when you decide to make a change. And also the things possible through Christ, as He is truly the one who gives me my strength.
This weekend was chock-full with FUN and MOVEMENT! It started off Saturday night with a girl's night out at a local dance studio where belly dancing was the main event. It was a 2 hr. class of shaking our bellies and truly sweating in a sexy way :) My sister Kris and I went and I meant to take a picture of us in our coin skirts, but I forgot...perhaps it was the two bellinis that are to blame for that.
Then Sunday night I headed to the city with my cousin Kim and my sister Kris for the Party in Pink! Zumbathon at my friend Jenn's (KITHKINCAID)'s dance studio. Now she is a good spark friend of mine but we hadn't met yet. She is the person who inspired me to try Zumba, and so it was truly awesome to finally meet her in person AND zumba with her! I also realized that my Zumba class is nowhere near as intense as hers, I think I'm in the beginner's Zumba, or as Jenn so rightly said "No, you're just in Zumba in the Suburbs". LOL, so true! She rocked it and danced her butt off, and while I had a few missteps, I had a lot of fun. Thanks for a great time Jenn!!! You are an amazing, inspiring person and it was so nice to meet you and I'm looking forward to running with you in the Hot Chocolate 5k! You look Awesome by the way, my friend!!!!!!
I burned so many calories this weekend, and yes, my eating wasn't the GREATEST (I did have a taco party to attend Sunday as well), and I had a FEW drinks, BUT I tracked it all, and I think I came out even. Actually I still had a deficit for both days, Sat. I had a calorie differential of -345, and Sunday I had one of -172. And I had a ton of fun, so it was all worth it!
Here are some pictures of me with Jenn from last night. The first picture was accidentally taken as a video, but I was able to convert it into a picture :)
Before Zumba- me (right), Jenn (left)
After Zumba - me (left), Jenn (right)
After Zumba - body shot me (left), Jenn (right)
Monday, September 13, 2010
I just checked my "Fun Goals" and my next goal is to reach 88 lbs. lost and dress up like Marilyn Monroe for Halloween. I have 6 weeks to reach this goal. That is about 2 lbs. a week, plus 1 pound. The end is in sight, I think I can do this! No, I CAN do this! (I think I can, I think I can, I think I can).
I am going to be ON MY GAME the next 6 weeks and I am determined to make that fun goal a reality!
And 13 IS my lucky number. That's the date I was married, and I LOVE scary movies. So the number 13 just makes me giggle.
"The body is meant to be seen, not all covered up."
~ Marilyn Monroe
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