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LOTUSFLOWER's Recent Blog Entries

Making Fitness Fun: Wish Walk

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Last week I blogged about my 4 yr. old daughter, Lucy, and how I wanted to incorporate something fun for fitness as well as boost her self-esteem. It also was to fulfill my Halloween challenge, to do something fun that was also a workout.

I created a "Wish Walk" for Lucy, complete with a route that I mapped out on Sparkpeople's Map Route. I made it look like a real map and on brown crinkly paper. There were five stops along the way, and at each stop there would be an activity, or I would tell Lucy something about her that was beautiful. She also got to add a sticker to each stop.

We started at home, and then walked down to the "wishing field", which is a field next to a dance studio that has lots of dandelion weeds to blow and wish on. We watched the ballerinas dance while making our wishes. Lucy and I danced and I told her what a talented dancer she is. We danced like no one was watching.

Then it was off to Lions park, and I had a special present for Lucy. She loved a pirate set that we gave a preschool friend for his birthday, and it was on sale at the store so I bought it and the wish walk was the perfect time to give it to her. She dressed as a pirate complete with eye patch and bandanna and I told her how her kinky curls give her an edge.

Then we walked to another park to explore, but by now it was getting dark out.

Then we went to the library and we searched under "E" for the book"I'm Gonna Like Me" by Jamie Lee Curtis. I told Lucy how smart she is, and to embrace who she is. And wouldn't you know it? A kid in that book has a missing tooth just like my Lucy.

Then we walked back home. I told her how home wouldn't be the same without her and how much she adds to the family. We then got Lucy and Marlo into some dress up clothes and pretended to trick or treat in our backyard.

The entire route was about a mile 1/2. Lucy rode her tricycle and I walked. We also stopped to play at the playground, and I literally was running in circles around the sand pit. That's when Lucy pointed to me and say (with a sigh remniscent of a high schooler), "MOM, now you're just working out." She pointed out that I was no longer having "fun", but trying too hard. Maybe I was at that point, but I'm thrilled by the fact that I now look at circular objects in the dirt (be it a track, a pool, or even a sand pit) as a running track and a reason to run! I was having fun, even though to Lucy it looked like "work".

I recommend this for anyone that wants to have fun and also incorporate fitness! I am now making this a weekly thing with my girls, we will do something fun with fitness. Even in the winter we'll do things indoors - Lucy already likes to walk with Leslie Sansone and I (and even inspired Leslie to send us some goodies a few months back) and now that Marlo can walk, she's been doing it too!

I want to be a good role model for my girls and I hope this is one step in doing that. That is my wish.

What's your wish?

Our Wish Walk Map.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KSGROTHE 10/11/2010 4:33PM

    What a great idea a Wish Walk is! (Do you have any ideas on how to do a similar thing with a pre-teen boy? LOL!) I love your map and how you told Lucy something about her that was beautiful! I wish my mom had done something like this with me!

You are being a great role model for your girls! Keep up the good work! emoticon

- Karen

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TEMPEST272002 10/11/2010 3:55PM

    Your wish walk sounds so special and fun! What a wonderful activity to do with your daughter. It makes me wish I still had a little ones, so I could do this with them.

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STEMMEFATALE 10/11/2010 11:26AM

    of course, I LOVED your blog!! What a cute idea... I'm sure Lucy B had such a great time... adorable pic with her in the pirate bandana! emoticon

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GIZZI315 10/11/2010 9:16AM

    My "littlest" is almost 11 but she would LOVE something like this too - what a great idea and thanks for sharing!

Gooooooooo Re-vampers!
emoticon emoticon

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JLITT62 10/11/2010 8:24AM

    OMG, I love it! Totally awesome. Wish my mom had done stuff like that with me when I was a kid. Just think of what a great example you are setting -- and how much she'll enjoy exercise with such a fun example.

You are really creative!

Hmm, maybe I need to come up with something like this for DH? It might be silly for an adult, but I've got to put my thinking cap on.

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ZURDTA- 10/11/2010 2:55AM


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KITHKINCAID 10/10/2010 10:26PM

    SO sweet. It sounds like you both had a wonderful time!!!

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BIGLITTLEWOMAN 10/10/2010 9:25PM

    I've complimented your writing before. How about children's books? You have such a marvelous perspective and warm heart. Jamie Lee Curtis has nothing on you Mama Lotus.

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JENJESS48 10/10/2010 8:02PM

    What a lovely idea! And your girls are GORGEOUS. Go you!

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IILAAD65 10/10/2010 6:34PM

    this made me smile!!! I soooooooo miss the girls being little. I am glad you found a special way to enjoy Lucy and you got to exercise too!!

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LOOZINITNOW 10/10/2010 6:20PM

    I love it! What a special time for your daughter!

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CARILOUIE 10/10/2010 6:16PM

    What a fun idea!!

Loved the pics.

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GODSCLAY47 10/10/2010 4:51PM

    Awesome ideal! Let me borrow your precious Lucy to get myself in gear! [[ SHE'S A DOLL ]] you are making memories for her that will last a lifetime!

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TEDDYBEARGIRL 10/10/2010 4:51PM

    What an awesome idea you had for your daughter! Lots of fun too!!!!!!

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AMBER281 10/10/2010 4:23PM

    What a great idea! You are great role model for your kids. Not only are you getting fit together but having fun at the same time!

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DAISYDIVA74 10/10/2010 4:00PM

    That is AWESOME!!!!!!! Such a great idea! And a wonderful way to get them to enjoy being active! Thanks for sharing!! You rock!!!

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My WIN Wish: A Visual Poem to my NEW SELF!

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

So this week for the WIN challenge (GO SUNNY GALS!!!) we have to state a wish of ours for the challenge.

My wish is to reach a very special place, and itís just in time to rhyme in a dorky way that I like. Instead of Walkiní in a Winter Wonderland, Iíll be Running to a Thinner ONEderland! For those of you that havenít heard the term, ONEderland is a special, magical place that you go to when you are IN the 100ís! I will be OUT of the 200s and for me that will mean also LOSING 100 lbs., so the ONE has special significance for me.

Why do I want to do this? As if you need to ask, LOL, but I will tell you anyway.

For my family.

For my life.

To have a better relationship with food.

To not fear the scale. Or it breaking.

So that I can have a ď100 lbs. lostĒ icon on my Spark page.

So that perhaps I could get on the cover of People magazine. Hey, I can dream.

So that this New Yearís I can celebrate with my family, a year to the date when we sat around, drinking champagne, and I told them that my goal this year was to lose the weight. To lose 100 lbs. To be able to say I DID IT, that would be amazing.

(Last New Year's with two of my sisters, Kara and Missy)

For my best friend.

(Me, left, Cheri right during the best year of my life)

To make my older sister proud.

(Kris, left, me right at the Susan G. Komen 5k)

(Me, left, Kris right when we were younger)

So that I can take a cool picture of myself with my largest pair of pants that Iíve been saving, so that I could perhaps step both legs into one leg and say BOO-YAH!

So that I can feel FREE and so light that I could FLY if I wanted.

To tell my former self that she did it, that itís all OK, and she turned out to be an athlete. That itís OK that she didnít believe she could do it, but that she has, and she has crossed the finish line.

(Me at my awkward stage, I thought I was fat here, I remember)

To inspire and motivate others who have been where I was.

To set a good example for my family.

(Me - far left - and my sisters and cousin with my mom.)

Me, my sister Kris and my Dad after the Shamrock Shuffle 8k (what inspired me to run)

For all the people who said I couldnít. For all those girls who made fun of me at school, or worse, became my Frenemy and tried to change me. And I let them. For a while. But now I am back.

So that I can dance again.

(Cheri, left, me right)

But most of all, for ME. For the me who reached a point where I could decide. I could stay this obese (yes I said it) person who had no desire for life, who found the best time of her day when she was lying in bed (and often took sick days off of work to just lie in my depression, and then would order Chinese takeout and eat it alone in front of the TV, dreaming of the life I wish I had)Ö.


Pick whatís behind the other door, the one thatís all shiny and bright. MAKE A CHANGE!!

I started this journey many years ago, mostly in my head. I would daydream about what it would be like to be thinner, to be healthy, how different I would be. I never really thought I would get there, though. I truly didnít. For me to realize that Iím almost 80 lbs. down and that my goal is WITHIN SIGHT is just amazing beyond anything words could say.

Thank you my wonderful Spark friends, ,my AMAZING Sunny Gals who show me every day that it IS possible, my wonderful teams, everyone who makes this journey FUN. And that is YOU!

The Sunny Gals!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARILOUIE 10/8/2010 8:47PM

    You are just amazing!!!!! :)

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POSITIVE-FORCE 10/7/2010 3:17PM

    Aww...I just love you blog! It's great! YOUR AMAZING!!

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    You are a Winner a Thinner Onederland that is for sure.

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AMBER281 10/7/2010 1:11PM

    Those are great goals and you will be running into one-derland in no time!

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POOHBEARHUNNEY 10/7/2010 11:14AM

    Oh wow!!!!! I am just crying! This is beautiful! I LOVE LOVE LOVE it!!! I know exactly 100% how you feel, and will know how you feel when you hit that goal... that Onederland Goal... there is just nothing like it!!!! Congrat's so far, and I look forward to watching you continue!!!!!!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!!

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KROLES55 10/7/2010 9:13AM

    Love your blog. You can do this!

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JEREMY723 10/7/2010 7:59AM

    A great blog made 100 times better with each photo. Best of luck, I'm sure you'll get there:)

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JLITT62 10/7/2010 5:27AM

    What a great blog! So inspiring!

We will all be here to high five you when you get that 100 lbs icon for your spark page.

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TEDDYBEARGIRL 10/7/2010 2:39AM

    emoticon emoticon

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ROEANDGO 10/6/2010 10:50PM

    AMAZING!! You are such an inspiration!! You can (and WILL) get to 100 pounds lost!! I have faith in you and I'm proud of you!

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LKEITHO 10/6/2010 10:46PM

    Great blog! All the best!

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TEMPEST272002 10/6/2010 10:34PM

    What a fabulous blog!!!! I love it! You are amazing and have already made so many changes to your life. You WILL be toasting that 100lb lost on your 1 year anniversary. You have changed your life! Woo Hoo!

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SHERLYN-WILL 10/6/2010 8:53PM

    THIS is the best blog! I REALLY LOVED all the pictures! THANK you for sharing your life with me! I pick the "OTHER DOOR" too, THE ONE that is SHINY and BRIGHT!

YOU go girl!


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BTINTERNET 10/6/2010 8:22PM

    What a fabulous visual wishlist! Thanks for sharing!

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RAINBOWANGEL99 10/6/2010 7:48PM

    Just emoticon this blog!!! CONGRATS on your success so far and GOOD LUCK with the rest of your journey to ONEderland!!! emoticon

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    You betch ya Sunny Gal, you can do this and we will help. Hugs and congrats to you...you rock!

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BELLALUCIA 10/6/2010 5:59PM

    Awesome blog!

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YATMAMA 10/6/2010 5:53PM

    You are so creative!! I just love this. You ROCK!!!

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JMEPAYNE 10/6/2010 5:53PM


what a great blog!

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KITHKINCAID 10/6/2010 5:20PM

    LOVE LOVE LOVE this blog. I'm rooting for you in all that you do!

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ANDREA963 10/6/2010 5:08PM

    You're doing amazing!!! Love your blog!

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PAULACOLLINS 10/6/2010 5:07PM

    How very cool--I am so glad you have taken this journey because your enthusiasm helps to keep me going. You indeed are a very special lady and a blessing to all those who's lives you have touched. You go GIRL!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 10/6/2010 5:08:59 PM

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PAULACOLLINS 10/6/2010 5:07PM

    How very cool--I am so glad you have taken this journey because your enthusiasium helps to keep me going. You indeed are a very special lady and a blessing to all those who's lives you have touched. You go GIRL!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PAULACOLLINS 10/6/2010 5:06PM

    How very cool--I am so glad you have taken this journey because your enthusiasium helps to keep me going. You indeed are a very special lady and a blessing to all those who's lives you have touched. You go GIRL!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SUKOTO 10/6/2010 4:55PM

    Here here!!!
You can totally do it and you'll be so glad that you did. I'd like to welcome you to Onederland!

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SUKOTO 10/6/2010 4:42PM

    Here here!!!
You can totally do it and you'll be so glad that you did. I'd like to welcome you to Onederland!

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    awww what a great blog!!!!! I love it! And you WILL do this!

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LOSETHEWTIN08 10/6/2010 4:21PM

    I know you can do it! Great Blog! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LOVESLIFE48 10/6/2010 4:16PM

    This is a great blog!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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ZURDTA- 10/6/2010 4:15PM


You really can!

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KSGROTHE 10/6/2010 4:12PM

    What an emoticon blog! You have such a great attitude!

You're well on your way! I'm sure emoticon

- Karen

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SGTSUNNY 10/6/2010 4:04PM

    I totally relate to all you have said. I too started the journey in my head and feel so empowered to actually be living the dream! I wish for you to make it to Onderland, my friend!

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UNICORN212 10/6/2010 4:00PM

    ONEderful blog! I really enjoyed reading it! And even more, I will enjoy watching you accomplish it!

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LOOZINITNOW 10/6/2010 3:44PM

    You are such an inspiration! I'm right there beside ya! emoticon

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STARLIGHT615 10/6/2010 3:42PM

    This is awesome!! You can do this! We can do this together! With the rest of the Sunny gals!! love ya!

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Marilyn - Before - for Halloween Challenge

Saturday, October 02, 2010

My Marilyn Halloween costume came last night and my 4 yr. old snapped a picture of me. I don't have my wig on, or makeup, etc., but here's a "before" and my "after" will look much better - and tighter!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    Great costume!

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CARILOUIE 10/5/2010 7:03AM

    I love it! What a great costume and motivation!

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SGTSUNNY 10/4/2010 6:12PM

    Your Marilyn dress is so beautiful! I can't wait to see the after with the wig and makeup!

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ROEANDGO 10/4/2010 12:44AM

    Great costume!! I can tell you're enjoying it too!! Can't wait to see the after picture!

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TEMPEST272002 10/3/2010 1:30PM

    Meow - what a sex kitten! That's a great dress. I can't wait to see the afters with you in full costume!

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KNOWMOREBBK 10/3/2010 11:26AM

    What a fantastic dress! Great idea!


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LOTUSFLOWER 10/3/2010 9:33AM

    Thank you so much everyone!!! Your support means so much to me. It was a little scary posting a "before" before the "after", but you've all made me feel supported here and good about it :)Thank you!

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ZURDTA- 10/3/2010 8:37AM

    Superb - you are going to rock this Hallowe'en!

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TRAVELGRRL 10/2/2010 7:31PM


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POSITIVE-FORCE 10/2/2010 5:47PM

    You look so pretty! I can't believe it's a BEFORE PICTURE! Your going to rock this girly!

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    This is perfect for you. You will feel beautiful because you are beautiful. May Marilyn smile down on you and your night.

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JLITT62 10/2/2010 3:55PM

    Oooh, looks great now! You're gonna rock the costume!

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GOGOMAMA 10/2/2010 1:53PM

    Great idea!! I love that costume, it's really beautiful! You look great in it already, you are gonna have fun with it!

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AMBER281 10/2/2010 1:48PM

    I think it looks great already!
You are going to be one hot Marilyn at halloween!

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DOGMOMMA2THREE 10/2/2010 12:51PM


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REENSKI 10/2/2010 11:49AM

    You look great already Marilyn!

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YATMAMA 10/2/2010 10:39AM


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UNICORN212 10/2/2010 9:53AM

    I agree - it looks pretty good now! And your 4 year old takes great pictures!

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LOTUSFLOWER 10/2/2010 9:23AM

    Aww, thank you Jenn!!!

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KITHKINCAID 10/2/2010 9:21AM

    That is actually a really gorgeous dress on you already! You look great. Love the costume idea. Now I need to figure out what I'm doing!

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September Progress Report

Friday, October 01, 2010

emoticonSeptember Progress Report: emoticon

Start weight: 228
End weight: 221
Weight lost: 7 lbs.
Weight lost since the beginning of the year: 36.5 lbs.
Total weight lost: 77 lbs.

emoticonIt was my goal to lose 6 lbs. this month, bringing me to 222 lbs. I have exceeded that goal, losing 7 lbs!


Iíve lost a total of 6 inches:

Upper arm: 2 inches
Neck: 1 inch
Hips: 1 inch
Waist: 2 inches

Grade for the month: A +++++ emoticon emoticon

emoticon emoticon emoticonFitness accomplishments:

I ran my 3rd 5k and beat my own personal time! 36 minutes vs. 39.

I added 5 minutes onto my running time

I reached 1,000 fitness minutes!

emoticonNon-scale victories:

emoticonDuring the holiday weekend I got my workout in and I got my Dad and sister to do a mile with Leslie with me! My dad really wants to be more in shape, so it was very special to me. And to him too, I think.

emoticonI refilled the chocolate dish on my desk (that everyone complained I removed because I was dipping into it too often) and I have not had even ONE piece!

emoticonI was confined to a tent and popcorn was made and smores were handed out and I turned down BOTH of them!!

emoticonI went to a Girls Night Out event where it was sponsored by a decadent dessert company and I didnít have ANYthing!

emoticonWent out to lunch w/ my family and split a healthy salmon dinner with my husband instead of eating something fattening.

emoticonMy trusty black camisole I wear under business blouses is WAY too big on me.

emoticonI have friends telling me to stop losing weight. OK, but I have 40 more lbs. to go. I am by no means a waif!

emoticonI ate healthy and tracked my food every weekend in September except when I was away on vacation and didnít have access to a computer.

emoticonMy husband now wolf whistles at me Ė and means it, LOL.

emoticonI now LOVE to workout on Mondays, thanks to ZUMBA!

emoticonI am beginning to like tomatoes and am trying new veggies, like yellow squash and cucumber.

emoticonA kid about 21 yrs. old hit on me. Yeah...a bit "eew", but also a bit "Hey, I look like I'm in my 20's?"

emoticonMy old gym instructor came over to introduce herself to me when I saw her after her hiatus at the gym....she didn't realize it was me. She then seemed shocked and said I looked "Fabu-lous!"

emoticonI am now arranging my social life around fitness events. Belly dancing and bellinis, Zumba parties and 5ks. Meeting Spark friends. Where is that girl who loved to melt into the couch? She's gone running, leave a message.

emoticonI didn't run for a full week and when I went to the gym for my Zumba class I looked at the track and actually MISSED it, like you would miss an old friend you haven't seen in a while.

emoticonAll of my wishes on my Christmas wish list are fitness related.

emoticonI now shop in the ďMissesĒ section at Kohlís, not the ďWomenísĒ

emoticonA woman who works next door to my office stopped me in the hall and asked me if I lost weight, she said every time she passed by my suite she had to do a double take to see if that was me.

emoticonI am able to fit into a size 16 pant!

emoticonI can now buy bras off the rack at a store that isnít plus size! I got a cute pink polka dot one, yeah, baby!

emoticonIím starting to see leg muscle definition.

emoticonI discovered just how sweet and tasty a red pepper can be Ė I donít know the last time (if ever) I ate one raw.

emoticonI went to a party and didn't eat ANY of the foods on the buffet other than fruit. I brought my own healthy snack and ate that!

emoticonAt work we had a birthday cake and I took a piece just so that people wouldnít make comments about me not taking a piece, and only ate the fresh strawberries on top.

emoticonI am wearing a size medium top right now.

emoticonMy size 18 jeans are falling off of me!

emoticonI have another bag of clothes (and shoes Ė my feet got smaller!) to bring to resale tomorrow.

My recent body shot, September 2010.

My September Spark calendar. The blue is "good"!

I raised $260 for breast cancer and ran my heart out. Thank you everyone for your prayers. My team raised over $2,500!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AMBER281 10/1/2010 8:56PM

    Way to go on all your success!! You Rock!

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YATMAMA 10/1/2010 7:47PM

    WoooooooooHooooooooooo, Mama!!!!! *wolfwhistle*

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RAINBOWANGEL99 10/1/2010 6:58PM

    WOW!!! You have had a emoticon month... I emoticon your none scale victories. emoticon Here's to a FAB October! emoticon

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CARILOUIE 10/1/2010 6:08PM

    I freakin' love this!!!!!! You are AMAZING!!!!!!

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THENEWDARLENE 10/1/2010 5:16PM

    Sounds like you had a wonderful September. Way to go in reaching those goals and staying consistent!


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LKEITHO 10/1/2010 4:26PM

    What a fantastic month! Way to go!

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KSGROTHE 10/1/2010 2:55PM

    Wow! You really did have an A +++++ month! emoticon

Thanks for listing out all those NSVs, too! What a great example you're setting for the rest of us!!

Keep up the good work! emoticon

- Karen

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KITHKINCAID 10/1/2010 1:39PM

    I love all your non-scale victories every month. I especially LOVE the "gone running. Leave a message" - that made me laugh. You are doing amazing! But don't stop going because other people want you to. You're almost at your goal - so go for it!!!

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APIRLRAIN888 10/1/2010 12:28PM

    great job! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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POSITIVE-FORCE 10/1/2010 12:20PM

    Your doing such an AWESOME job! Your blog helped picked me up just reading all the positive that's on it! Good JOB!

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ZURDTA- 10/1/2010 11:42AM


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TEMPEST272002 10/1/2010 11:39AM

    Watching you change month to month is so inspiring! You do look FAB-U-LOUS! I especially liked the part about leaving a message for the girl on the couch, she's out running. Fantastic job on the September calendar!

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SHERLYN-WILL 10/1/2010 11:12AM

    GREAT PROGRESS! I love so many things about this blog and I SO LOVE your sense of humor when you write!

EEW on the boy hitting on you cracked me up but still cool that he did!

The girl that melted into the couch.. .funny way to describe just what I used to do too!

I am by no means a waif! FUNNY@@@@!!!

16's and a medium... WOW that is so great. YOUR picture is so cute.. you look SMALL!!!!!!

THANKS for sharing!

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DANIELLEBREEN 10/1/2010 11:04AM

    Wonderful progress this month!!!!!!! I'm so very proud of you, girl! You're really doing a great job!!! WTG! And yeah, I know....my Christmas wish list is all fitness related, too (that, and new smaller clothes!)

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STANDATTHEEDGE 10/1/2010 11:03AM

    awesome accomplishments in september!!!

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Pizza, Wishes and the Map to my Heart.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

I have been very proud of myself and my willpower, or what I more like to think of as my planning and my change in tastes. It's been easier lately for me to turn down snacks at work, cake at parties and junk food at friends houses. I always have a plan and I stick to it.

Except when it comes to my parents' house.

Being the place where I nurtured my eating disorder since the first grade, it is the hardest place for me to go and stay on plan. This is the place where the memories are the strongest. I remember hoarding food in my room, I remember the hours I spent after eating and then purging, and then eating again. I was too full, and then I was not full enough. I remember that pain. And when my family sees the new me emerging, I can see that they aren't quite sure what to make of it, and they offer me the pizza, the wine, the cake. In my warped mind, they are testing me, not being good hosts.

Last week was the first time I kept to my plan at my parents' house. I had brought a pre-made spinach salad complete with toppings and dressing, and knowing they were having pizza, the usual, I saved enough calories to have ONE piece. And I did it. I felt like the cycle was broken. (Usually I just don't track on the days I go to their house, and we get together once a week).

Last night it was a double celebration - my mom's and sister's birthdays. I wasn't prepared. I had planned to stop at home and pack a salad as I did before, but my baby girl was sick and so I ended up going straight to their house from work, leaving my husband to watch over the girls. I had no plan. My dad called and asked what I wanted on my pizza, and I said - salad? So he was nice enough to oblige, and ordered a salad for me. Well...salads at pizza joints aren't really "salads", not in the terms of a filling, healthy salad. I was presented with a mound of iceberg lettuce and a few red onions. I still tried - I filled up my plate with all of the lettuce and added some vinegar and oil dressing. I took one small piece of pizza, because I knew this salad wouldn't fill me. I spent more time talking than eating. I was doing good.

Until the wine was poured. I agreed to one small glass. Well, me and wine equals me and food. It's a sad love affair. The more I sip, the more I eat. So one piece of pizza turned to two. Turned to three. Turned to 3 1/2. And then. The cake. The cake I had previously turned down at work for a co-worker's birthday. The cake I never eat! I took half a slice.

I left feeling so bloated and just gross. I was on a roll, and had to literally stop myself from pulling over at the Dairy Queen because I had a hankering for a Peanut Buster Parfait. I haven't had one of those in like 10 years. But yet, I wanted it. It was like the little girl inside, the one who was always chubby, always wore husky pants, was never picked for teams in gym class, the girl who boys pretended to like because it was so funny to see my reaction when I thought a boy actually LIKED me, well it was like this old girl got back inside of me and said, "eat...it will get better. just eat."

I went to bed with a headache and a belly ache, and to be honest, a heart ache. I thought I was past this point. I thought I was over the hurdle of this sad, young, fat me bombarding my life. This little girl who lies to me because that's all she knows.

It was ok. It will be ok, but not because of the food.

I was honest enough to track it all down, every last bite, and my total calories yesterday were 2,233. I actually had a deficit of -30 calories somehow, it must have been the mile with Leslie I did in the morning.

This morning is a new day. I am not going to beat myself up over yesterday. Will I have a better plan when going to my parents' house next time? YES. I will not go empty handed again. I put on my best black dress, the one that hugs my hips. I had a healthy breakfast this morning and a lot of water. I am going to be ok.

But I worry. I worry about my daughters and what sort of world they are going to grow up in. If I was teased when I was little, what's in store for them? I heard on the news this morning that a poor boy his freshman year at college, a promising violinist, committed suicide because his roommate videotaped him in relations with another man and broadcast it to the school. This poor young man saw the only way out as taking his own life. My heart is so sad, and heavy, over this news. What is the world coming to? I mean, really.

My daughter is 4 and she already feels this pressure. Girls in her class are already wearing makeup - yes, makeup. Girls are already talking about boys. She talks about one of her friends who happens to be a boy and how he doesn't want to play with her. She takes everything to heart, and I see myself. She takes any sort of rejection and pins that to her sleeve and some inner voice tells her that she isn't good enough. She is FOUR. I try to explain that sometimes boys don't want to play with girls. But that's not it, not really. She looks at herself and is already comparing. Her hair isn't straight like the other girls, it's kinky and curly (I love it). She is taller than the other girls, she is smarter and thinks more in her head, is more introverted at times. She sees all of these differences and instead of realizing that this is what makes the world such an awesome place, she wants to be the SAME as everyone, wants to conform. I want to cry.

I don't know what the solution is. For her, for me. But what I DO know is that tonight I'm mapping out a route. We are going on a mommy daughter walk and I'm going to make stops along the way. I know where a great park is, I know where wishes lie, waiting to be blown away in a field, I know where the ballerinas dance. And I know where my heart lies. In her. And at each stop along the way, I'm going to tell her how beautiful she is. How wonderful she is. How her kinky hair bounces when she dances, how her dress twirls just so. How my world wouldn't quite spin the same without her. And we'll lie down in the field of wishes and try to feel the earth spin.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TEDDYBEARGIRL 10/1/2010 1:33AM

    This was an awesome and powerful blog! Many huggs to you!!!!!

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YATMAMA 9/30/2010 9:15PM

    He who lacks wisdom, let him ask of the Lord. That's my only answer, sweetie, for you, for your kids, for me, for my kids. Pray, pray, pray.

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SHERLYN-WILL 9/30/2010 8:20PM

    OH what a great blog... sad about what you went through as a child and your eating memories...

Precious because of what you say in the last paragraphs about teaching and nurturing your sweet child!

You will be such a wonderful role model for her... and you her heart tied to yours!

YOU are a great mom!

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KSGROTHE 9/30/2010 5:23PM

    I'm not sure what to say. Have you mentioned to your parents that the pizza they have at their house doesn't fit in well with the healthy lifestyle you want to live? I know that kind of discussion can be hard to have with loved ones.

I was always glad I had sons because I was always afraid I would not be a good enough mom for a daughter because of my own childhood issues with being a smart girl who was not all that girly and didn't fit in all that well. I think your mommy daughter walk idea is a great one! Keeping the lines of communication open with your daughter will be key. It's not so hard when she's 4, but it might become more difficult as she gets older. You might want to check out the self-esteem resources for girls on the web, too.

Keep up the good work! emoticon

- Karen

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JLITT62 9/30/2010 2:20PM

    Heck, I never even dated til I was in college. No one even asked me out to tease me!

But there's a silver lining to every cloud, as they say, cause I married that first date, and we're celebrating our 25th anniversary in a few weeks. Well, we'll be on opposite sides of the world, but anyway.

Life was so much more innocent when I was a kid. And yet I still ended up with not an eating disorder, but disordered eating. I suppose that pressure will always be there, but it's so sad that it's starting earlier & earlier these days.

I'm not a mom, but I think the best thing you can do for your daughter is lead by example. And your plan to go on a walk sounds wonderful! Don't dismiss her if she wants to talk about her weight, but obviously don't make everything about weight, either.

Kids just want to know they're loved. And it's so obvious that you do.

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ZURDTA- 9/30/2010 1:38PM

    There is nothing I can say... sorry. Just emoticon

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FARLEY_GIRL 9/30/2010 1:36PM

    ((((HUGS)))) I can't relate to the daughter thing b/c I don't have children.....but the rest -- definitely!!! My husband has been on the road a lot lately w/ work -- when he is gone, I am able to plan and stay ON plan...my weight loss slow but steady. When he comes home I have the same struggle w/ eating since he is all about large portion and carbs!! I am not yet strong enough to not eat so much of what he cooks or completely ignore what he cooks and cook something separately for myself. He unfortunately is extremely overweight as well (birds of a feather!) and not yet on board w/ changing our eating habits & exercising. I'm on this road alone at home....so every night is extremely tempting and torturous food wise...similar to your trips to your parents.

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GOGOMAMA 9/30/2010 1:21PM

    Beautiful blog! Honest and straight from the heart to my heart! I deeply feel your struggles and remember the thoughts and pain from my childhood as well! Food was love and comfort - still is at my parent's house as well and I am learning to say no to the dysfunctional and yes to me! I love how you are giving your daughter exactly what she needs via your love and attention, rather than food!

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JESSSPARK 9/30/2010 12:22PM

    What a powerful blog. Thank you.

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TEMPEST272002 9/30/2010 12:00PM

    Ah family dynamics - isn't it amazing how we revert to being children in the company of our parents?! Well, at least you learned from the experience - quite a lot actually.

As for your daughter, I think the walk idea is really beautiful. What a wonderful way to show her your love! I want to recommend a book to you - one I wish I had read when my son was 4! It's called "Hold on to your Kids" by Gordon Neufield. It's an EXCELLENT book on the peer relationships that children form and how you can keep your own bond with your child as s/he enters school. I highly recommend it to EVERYONE who has kids!

Try copy/pasting this link:

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KITHKINCAID 9/30/2010 11:36AM

    Oh. I am in tears at my desk right now. Yes. Yes. Yes. Right down to the Peanut Buster Parfait, yes. I understand absolutely, every single word you just wrote. Except for the part about your daughter because I don't have my own yet, but I can even feel your pain there because I know that you're hurting because you've been through it.

I just had therapy this morning, so this hits me even deeper than it would on any other morning because we just spent an hour talking about this very thing. I'm so happy to hear that your dad ordered you a salad. That's a start. But ultimately, if your family REALLY supported you and really wanted you to lose the weight, pizza wouldn't be on the menu in the first place. I commend you for being prepared because as hard as it is to say, they don't want you to lose the weight (mine don't either). It makes people in general uncomfortable when other people in their life make big changes that don't involve them. So you have to do it on your own. I don't know if thinking about it that way will make things easier or harder for you, but I find that it helps. It helps me to say no to things, to have a little anger under the situation. Then I choose to eat healthy out of spite :)

And if I were your daughter, I would love that walk. And make sure she hears all those things from your hubby too. But in addition to telling her she's smart and beautiful just the way she is, really engage her to talk about how being different from the other kids makes her feel. And decide together if, for right now, she needs to be the same as everyone else. If she does, I might allow it - only because once this phase passes, and she accepts and loves her individuality, she won't want to jump on the unhealthy food bandwagon in her teenage years like so many of us did to fit in.

Sending BIG hugs your way today. I am with you in spirit - empathizing with you right along the way.

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RUBIEAGLE 9/30/2010 11:33AM

    Tell your daughter to embrace her differences - they make her unique. I would rather hang with her than with some other little girl who was like everyone else because at least your daughter's conversation would be more interesting than the other girl's conversation. Talk about boring!

Congratulations on not beating yourself up & having a plan! If it had been me & I was craving one that badly, I probably would've gotten a small DQ Peanut Buster Parfait & split, but that's me, too. Congratulations on not giving to temptation!

You will succeed & so will your daughter! emoticon emoticon (the crown is for your daughter)

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JENNIFER4242 9/30/2010 11:30AM

    I so understand where your coming from. I ALWAYS seem to over eat when i go by my mom's house. I told her that i'm going to have to stop going there b/c all she wants to do is feed me. I know it's not her trying to sabotage me. It's an Italian thing... Food is Love and Feeding someone is taking care of them. It's up to me to say NO.

Also, Pizza is a weakness for me too!

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