Wednesday, October 06, 2010
So this week for the WIN challenge (GO SUNNY GALS!!!) we have to state a wish of ours for the challenge.
My wish is to reach a very special place, and itís just in time to rhyme in a dorky way that I like. Instead of Walkiní in a Winter Wonderland, Iíll be Running to a Thinner ONEderland! For those of you that havenít heard the term, ONEderland is a special, magical place that you go to when you are IN the 100ís! I will be OUT of the 200s and for me that will mean also LOSING 100 lbs., so the ONE has special significance for me.
Why do I want to do this? As if you need to ask, LOL, but I will tell you anyway.
For my family.
For my life.
To have a better relationship with food.
To not fear the scale. Or it breaking.
So that I can have a ď100 lbs. lostĒ icon on my Spark page.
So that perhaps I could get on the cover of People magazine. Hey, I can dream.
So that this New Yearís I can celebrate with my family, a year to the date when we sat around, drinking champagne, and I told them that my goal this year was to lose the weight. To lose 100 lbs. To be able to say I DID IT, that would be amazing.
(Last New Year's with two of my sisters, Kara and Missy)
For my best friend.
(Me, left, Cheri right during the best year of my life)
To make my older sister proud.
(Kris, left, me right at the Susan G. Komen 5k)
(Me, left, Kris right when we were younger)
So that I can take a cool picture of myself with my largest pair of pants that Iíve been saving, so that I could perhaps step both legs into one leg and say BOO-YAH!
So that I can feel FREE and so light that I could FLY if I wanted.
To tell my former self that she did it, that itís all OK, and she turned out to be an athlete. That itís OK that she didnít believe she could do it, but that she has, and she has crossed the finish line.
(Me at my awkward stage, I thought I was fat here, I remember)
To inspire and motivate others who have been where I was.
To set a good example for my family.
(Me - far left - and my sisters and cousin with my mom.)
Me, my sister Kris and my Dad after the Shamrock Shuffle 8k (what inspired me to run)
For all the people who said I couldnít. For all those girls who made fun of me at school, or worse, became my Frenemy and tried to change me. And I let them. For a while. But now I am back.
So that I can dance again.
(Cheri, left, me right)
But most of all, for ME. For the me who reached a point where I could decide. I could stay this obese (yes I said it) person who had no desire for life, who found the best time of her day when she was lying in bed (and often took sick days off of work to just lie in my depression, and then would order Chinese takeout and eat it alone in front of the TV, dreaming of the life I wish I had)Ö.
Pick whatís behind the other door, the one thatís all shiny and bright. MAKE A CHANGE!!
I started this journey many years ago, mostly in my head. I would daydream about what it would be like to be thinner, to be healthy, how different I would be. I never really thought I would get there, though. I truly didnít. For me to realize that Iím almost 80 lbs. down and that my goal is WITHIN SIGHT is just amazing beyond anything words could say.
Thank you my wonderful Spark friends, ,my AMAZING Sunny Gals who show me every day that it IS possible, my wonderful teams, everyone who makes this journey FUN. And that is YOU!
The Sunny Gals!
Saturday, October 02, 2010
My Marilyn Halloween costume came last night and my 4 yr. old snapped a picture of me. I don't have my wig on, or makeup, etc., but here's a "before" and my "after" will look much better - and tighter!
Friday, October 01, 2010
September Progress Report:
Start weight: 228
End weight: 221
Weight lost: 7 lbs.
Weight lost since the beginning of the year: 36.5 lbs.
Total weight lost: 77 lbs.
It was my goal to lose 6 lbs. this month, bringing me to 222 lbs. I have exceeded that goal, losing 7 lbs!
Iíve lost a total of 6 inches:
Upper arm: 2 inches
Neck: 1 inch
Hips: 1 inch
Waist: 2 inches
Grade for the month: A +++++
I ran my 3rd 5k and beat my own personal time! 36 minutes vs. 39.
I added 5 minutes onto my running time
I reached 1,000 fitness minutes!
During the holiday weekend I got my workout in and I got my Dad and sister to do a mile with Leslie with me! My dad really wants to be more in shape, so it was very special to me. And to him too, I think.
I refilled the chocolate dish on my desk (that everyone complained I removed because I was dipping into it too often) and I have not had even ONE piece!
I was confined to a tent and popcorn was made and smores were handed out and I turned down BOTH of them!!
I went to a Girls Night Out event where it was sponsored by a decadent dessert company and I didnít have ANYthing!
Went out to lunch w/ my family and split a healthy salmon dinner with my husband instead of eating something fattening.
My trusty black camisole I wear under business blouses is WAY too big on me.
I have friends telling me to stop losing weight. OK, but I have 40 more lbs. to go. I am by no means a waif!
I ate healthy and tracked my food every weekend in September except when I was away on vacation and didnít have access to a computer.
My husband now wolf whistles at me Ė and means it, LOL.
I now LOVE to workout on Mondays, thanks to ZUMBA!
I am beginning to like tomatoes and am trying new veggies, like yellow squash and cucumber.
A kid about 21 yrs. old hit on me. Yeah...a bit "eew", but also a bit "Hey, I look like I'm in my 20's?"
My old gym instructor came over to introduce herself to me when I saw her after her hiatus at the gym....she didn't realize it was me. She then seemed shocked and said I looked "Fabu-lous!"
I am now arranging my social life around fitness events. Belly dancing and bellinis, Zumba parties and 5ks. Meeting Spark friends. Where is that girl who loved to melt into the couch? She's gone running, leave a message.
I didn't run for a full week and when I went to the gym for my Zumba class I looked at the track and actually MISSED it, like you would miss an old friend you haven't seen in a while.
All of my wishes on my Christmas wish list are fitness related.
I now shop in the ďMissesĒ section at Kohlís, not the ďWomenísĒ
A woman who works next door to my office stopped me in the hall and asked me if I lost weight, she said every time she passed by my suite she had to do a double take to see if that was me.
I am able to fit into a size 16 pant!
I can now buy bras off the rack at a store that isnít plus size! I got a cute pink polka dot one, yeah, baby!
Iím starting to see leg muscle definition.
I discovered just how sweet and tasty a red pepper can be Ė I donít know the last time (if ever) I ate one raw.
I went to a party and didn't eat ANY of the foods on the buffet other than fruit. I brought my own healthy snack and ate that!
At work we had a birthday cake and I took a piece just so that people wouldnít make comments about me not taking a piece, and only ate the fresh strawberries on top.
I am wearing a size medium top right now.
My size 18 jeans are falling off of me!
I have another bag of clothes (and shoes Ė my feet got smaller!) to bring to resale tomorrow.
My recent body shot, September 2010.
My September Spark calendar. The blue is "good"!
I raised $260 for breast cancer and ran my heart out. Thank you everyone for your prayers. My team raised over $2,500!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
I have been very proud of myself and my willpower, or what I more like to think of as my planning and my change in tastes. It's been easier lately for me to turn down snacks at work, cake at parties and junk food at friends houses. I always have a plan and I stick to it.
Except when it comes to my parents' house.
Being the place where I nurtured my eating disorder since the first grade, it is the hardest place for me to go and stay on plan. This is the place where the memories are the strongest. I remember hoarding food in my room, I remember the hours I spent after eating and then purging, and then eating again. I was too full, and then I was not full enough. I remember that pain. And when my family sees the new me emerging, I can see that they aren't quite sure what to make of it, and they offer me the pizza, the wine, the cake. In my warped mind, they are testing me, not being good hosts.
Last week was the first time I kept to my plan at my parents' house. I had brought a pre-made spinach salad complete with toppings and dressing, and knowing they were having pizza, the usual, I saved enough calories to have ONE piece. And I did it. I felt like the cycle was broken. (Usually I just don't track on the days I go to their house, and we get together once a week).
Last night it was a double celebration - my mom's and sister's birthdays. I wasn't prepared. I had planned to stop at home and pack a salad as I did before, but my baby girl was sick and so I ended up going straight to their house from work, leaving my husband to watch over the girls. I had no plan. My dad called and asked what I wanted on my pizza, and I said - salad? So he was nice enough to oblige, and ordered a salad for me. Well...salads at pizza joints aren't really "salads", not in the terms of a filling, healthy salad. I was presented with a mound of iceberg lettuce and a few red onions. I still tried - I filled up my plate with all of the lettuce and added some vinegar and oil dressing. I took one small piece of pizza, because I knew this salad wouldn't fill me. I spent more time talking than eating. I was doing good.
Until the wine was poured. I agreed to one small glass. Well, me and wine equals me and food. It's a sad love affair. The more I sip, the more I eat. So one piece of pizza turned to two. Turned to three. Turned to 3 1/2. And then. The cake. The cake I had previously turned down at work for a co-worker's birthday. The cake I never eat! I took half a slice.
I left feeling so bloated and just gross. I was on a roll, and had to literally stop myself from pulling over at the Dairy Queen because I had a hankering for a Peanut Buster Parfait. I haven't had one of those in like 10 years. But yet, I wanted it. It was like the little girl inside, the one who was always chubby, always wore husky pants, was never picked for teams in gym class, the girl who boys pretended to like because it was so funny to see my reaction when I thought a boy actually LIKED me, well it was like this old girl got back inside of me and said, "eat...it will get better. just eat."
I went to bed with a headache and a belly ache, and to be honest, a heart ache. I thought I was past this point. I thought I was over the hurdle of this sad, young, fat me bombarding my life. This little girl who lies to me because that's all she knows.
It was ok. It will be ok, but not because of the food.
I was honest enough to track it all down, every last bite, and my total calories yesterday were 2,233. I actually had a deficit of -30 calories somehow, it must have been the mile with Leslie I did in the morning.
This morning is a new day. I am not going to beat myself up over yesterday. Will I have a better plan when going to my parents' house next time? YES. I will not go empty handed again. I put on my best black dress, the one that hugs my hips. I had a healthy breakfast this morning and a lot of water. I am going to be ok.
But I worry. I worry about my daughters and what sort of world they are going to grow up in. If I was teased when I was little, what's in store for them? I heard on the news this morning that a poor boy his freshman year at college, a promising violinist, committed suicide because his roommate videotaped him in relations with another man and broadcast it to the school. This poor young man saw the only way out as taking his own life. My heart is so sad, and heavy, over this news. What is the world coming to? I mean, really.
My daughter is 4 and she already feels this pressure. Girls in her class are already wearing makeup - yes, makeup. Girls are already talking about boys. She talks about one of her friends who happens to be a boy and how he doesn't want to play with her. She takes everything to heart, and I see myself. She takes any sort of rejection and pins that to her sleeve and some inner voice tells her that she isn't good enough. She is FOUR. I try to explain that sometimes boys don't want to play with girls. But that's not it, not really. She looks at herself and is already comparing. Her hair isn't straight like the other girls, it's kinky and curly (I love it). She is taller than the other girls, she is smarter and thinks more in her head, is more introverted at times. She sees all of these differences and instead of realizing that this is what makes the world such an awesome place, she wants to be the SAME as everyone, wants to conform. I want to cry.
I don't know what the solution is. For her, for me. But what I DO know is that tonight I'm mapping out a route. We are going on a mommy daughter walk and I'm going to make stops along the way. I know where a great park is, I know where wishes lie, waiting to be blown away in a field, I know where the ballerinas dance. And I know where my heart lies. In her. And at each stop along the way, I'm going to tell her how beautiful she is. How wonderful she is. How her kinky hair bounces when she dances, how her dress twirls just so. How my world wouldn't quite spin the same without her. And we'll lie down in the field of wishes and try to feel the earth spin.
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