Thursday, February 14, 2013
Some laughs for valentine’s day
To Be 6 Again...
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, You dumb a$%^#!"
(it’s not his fault she didn’t specify.. and if she wanted to be size 6 again she should not have had all that kid food..hehe)
A woman walks into a post office and notices a middle-aged,
well-dressed man standing at the counter methodically placing
"Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. As he seals
each envelop he sprays it with a puff of perfume.
The woman's curiosity gets the better of her, so she goes up to the
man and asks what he is doing. The man replies, "I'm
sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" she asks.
"Because I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Friday, February 08, 2013
Understanding Engineers -
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
THE day after my husband participated in an Iron man Triathlon - a 2.4-mile swim, 112 miles of biking and a 26.2-mile run - we stopped at a picnic site for lunch on our way home. Getting out of the car, Pete dropped the keys on the road. As he slowly, carefully, painfully leaned down to pick them up, a passerby said, "Looks like you could use a little exercise."
Thursday, February 07, 2013
food for thoughtt... or more like: thoughts of food
All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly why is not clear, but the current theory relates to gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach flowing directly down the legs and through the soles of the feet into the floor, like electricity. Walking seems to accelerate this process, so that a frozen custard or hot dog eaten at a fayre actually has a calorie deficit.
Anything produced, purchased or intended for minors is calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range, beginning with a spoonful of baby tapioca, consumed for demonstration purposes, up to and including *biscuits baked and sent to college.
If you have a drink in your right hand, anything eaten with the other hand has no calories. Several principles are at work here. First of all, you're probably standing up at a cocktail party (see "Food on Foot"). Then there's the electronic field: a wet glass in one hand forms a negative charge to reverse the polarity of the calories attracted to the other hand. I'm not exactly sure how it works, but it's reversible if you're left-handed.
All cakes are horrendously fattening. However, the calories can be eliminated simply by inscribing "Happy Birthday, Bob" or "Good Luck, Pauline" in coloured icing. Not only is it unnecessary to decline, it's impolite.
Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. (Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.)
Anything somebody made 'just for you' must be eaten regardless of the calories because to do otherwise would be uncaring and insensitive.
Remember, "stressed" spelled backwards is "desserts."
Wednesday, February 06, 2013
When you really break it down to the basics, exercise comes down to moving:
• Strength training – Pick up a dumb bell and put it back down
• Cardio – Take a few hundred steps on a moving piece of rubber (treadmill)
• Flexibility - Sit there and reach for you toes!
~I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
~Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
~The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'
~ We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
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