15,000-19,999 SparkPoints
LOSINGJESS's Recent Blog Entries

Destructive Behavior

Thursday, June 23, 2011

well where do I start. ::heavy sigh:: I have been on a 6 month long roller coaster ride it seems, and I seriously want to get off now.

I hit 162 back in December of 2010 and decided that I still wanted to get down to at least 150. I figured hey 12 pounds wont be hard, give me a few months and I will be there. It unfortunately has not proven to be as easy as I thought. I really don't know what my problem is. I do really great for a week, maybe two and then destroy all my hard work with over eating, nibbling and even binges. I have never binged (I hope I am spelling that right) in my entire weight loss journey in the last two years.... but now I do. I go in the kitchen and I'm a little munchy and then I find myself standing in front of a cabinet stuffing stuff into my mouth in a very fast pace.... The things that are going through my mind... "you shouldn't be eating this.... I will do better tomorow.... This is why you don't lose weight.... You are going to gain everything back if you keep doing this.... but it tastes so good"

by the time I am done eating a hand full of chips here, a spray of cool whip there, a few of the kids cookies, left overs, ect ect ect.... I have polished off close to 1000 extra calories I'm sure. Then I go and sit and feel bad about myself and try and tell myself that tomorrow is a new day and I will get my but back on track.

Then I do push myself hard for a number of days... I feel good about myself, although I am tired.

I have found myself in the last few months bouncing between anywhere from 164 down to 155 pounds. up and down up and down. I tend to mostly stay right around 160 though.... once I get to 155 I find it very hard to maintain that before I bounce up again. I am currently at about 160.

I find it hard to admit that I am having so many problems, I have stopped logging on to spark people, updating my status as much, responding to emails. People on here look up to me so much and are inspired by me and most days I don't feel like I deserve it. I know I know I should look at what I have accomplished... I should focus on the fact that I have lost over 100 pounds. Not many people can say they have done that.... and the fact that I even complain about the last 10 pounds makes me feel like I sound vain and unappreciative of how far I have come.

I know that losing the last 10 pound though... most likely wont make me happy. I have set it in my mind that it will... but deep down I know it wont make any difference at all. I am horribly unhappy with my body the way it is now. No clothes fit right, I sit down and have this huge overhang of skin that comes over my pants and gives me a muffin top, I look in the mirror naked and I still have the same rolls of fat on my stomach.... even though I know its not fat..... its mostly skin. I decided that maybe if I went out an bought some new clothes I would feel better about my body. So I asked my husband if I could take the sams club credit card and go to walmart and charge a few things. Everything in the women's section was ugly and everything that I could stand in the juniors section did not fit right because everything is low rise or too tight fitting, which disagrees with my sack of a stomach. I went in the dressing room with about 12 things and came out with none. I was upset and came home and ate. Im sure everyone up here knows that when you are fat, obese, overweight, whatever you want to call it, you sit and day dream about what its going to be like when your not overweight anymore. One of my day dreams was about being able to walk in a store with a handfull of 12 things and go in the dressing room and look good in the things you picked out instead of trying things on and nothing fitting right and then walking out with nothing after you have dried your eyes from all the crying you did after the 12 things did not fit right........ and look at me I have lost over 100 pounds and I am still the same girl that I was at 270 pounds.... crying in the walmart dressing room.

I keep telling myself that if I lose enough weight then I will be able to wear clothing and not look bad or feel bad... that I can just roll up the skin somewhere and it will disappear. I know that is not happening though.

I truly wish I could accept my body the way it is... I know that's not going to happen. I just have to wait a few years till I can save up enough money for a tummy tuck. I know that if I had the skin removed I would be happy with myself, right at the weight I am at now. I went to a plastic surgeon for a consultation by the way... its turns out that just the tummy tuck will cost a little over 10 thousand dollars. Even with a plastic surgery credit card I would not be able to afford the payments, which would be over 300 dollars a month.

If I keep going to this destructive path I am on now then I am going to gain all my weight back. I just know it. the one night binge is going to turn into a week or a month and then Im going to find myself back at 180 or 190 and I'm going to feel horrible, and embarrassed and stop logging on to spark people and then gain a bunch more.

I have seen it up hear before. people lose weight and then do bad, gain weight, get embarrassed, avoid spark people and then gain more.

So maybe I need to change up what I am doing. Maybe I just need to focus on maintaining and not losing. Maybe if I focus on the process and not results then I will find myself in a much healthier, happier place. I just know I cant keep going down this path because Its not giving me the results I want anyway and I'm not feeling very good physically or mentally right now.

Thanks for listening to my self analyzing. Maybe admitting some of this stuff "out loud" will help me fix the problem.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MAMAFEELGOOD 6/25/2011 9:41AM

    Maybe you're right. Maybe you should just focus on maintaining for a while. Maybe you need to get out of what you are used to and just have some fun. Maybe you are at a good weight for you and your body doesn't want to budge right now. Wal-Mart clothes are rather ill fitting no matter what your size. Maybe you go buy one nice shirt or dress that really fits you instead of several things that do not.
Maybe you stay on here and keep inspiring people just by letting them know that you are human and that you struggle just like everyone else.

Report Inappropriate Comment
HULLAF 6/24/2011 8:12AM

    I'm the same place you are, except I am still 60 pounds overweight! I've lost something like 70 pounds but I keep going up and down from here and can't quite get where I need to go. I follow the same pattern - do really well and lose a bunch of weight, then some stress or life change comes along and I get derailed. I think you are very inspiring and you will get there eventually. Just keep taking those small steps in the right direction! We can do it! I know we can!

Report Inappropriate Comment
MALEXANDER4 6/24/2011 6:05AM

    As I sit here seven pounds from goal I like you am going through the same things. Since November i've been at this weight, oh maybe a bit less or more depending on the day. I binge eat for no reason and the self sabatage thing is getting in my head now and i'm wanting change. Enough for both of us. I like you need to see the I only have this many pounds left instead of the ....Oh man I still have this much left to lose. We need to learn to love us as we are today and the rest will fall into place. Like you I'm having a hard time finding items to fit...and leave the stores most often with nothing. I told my husband I couldn't find clothes fat and I can't find any thin. You my friend are one of the strongest women I know. You will succeed and you have. HEck you came back and logged on and let it out. That is more than a lot do. Some I have seen go by the wayside and never return. Just take this one day and one pound at a time. Be proud of how far you have come. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
FLOWERGIRL2009 6/23/2011 10:19PM

    I just wanted to say thank you so much for your honesty. I can't tell you how much it has helped me to read your post. Sometimes it just makes all the difference to know that we aren't alone in this struggle. On Monday morning, I finally hit the 30 pound weight loss mark. It's now Thursday evening, and I've spent the last 4 days sabotaging myself at every opportunity. I'm scared to death to get back on the scale, and I'm scared that I won't be able to get back on track. But tomorrow morning I'm going to do both. I wish you all of the best as you fight through those last 10 pounds. Your progress so far is amazing. You have proved over and over that you are strong and that you can do this. Take good care of yourself this week!

Report Inappropriate Comment
WHITNEY_SB 6/23/2011 1:31PM

    You cannot forget you have made it this far!!! You do sound like you've hit a plateau. You can break through it if you are patient with yourself. Don't give up!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
BAKER1009 6/23/2011 1:28PM

    Jess, I could have wrote this myself! That is how I have been feeling. I almost didn't login this morning! But I know being here, surrounded by support, is a good thing.
I too am 10 lbs from goal. I actually hit 159 for a day a few weeks ago, but keep going back up 3 or so pounds, and then down 1 or 2. My personal goal was always 160, so maybe there is where I belong. I am happy with my body. I am, afterall 40 lbs less then when I started. And you have done way more than me. You should be very proud of yourself. You are beautiful, and you have done so much to get where you are!!

Hang in there girl, because you are totally worth it and you are beautiful!!


Report Inappropriate Comment
CHAOTICMOM4 6/23/2011 12:58PM

    I'm on the same page you are. I was as low as 153 and as high as 165. My ultimate goal is 145 but I think I"m standing in my own way. At least it feels that way when I'm standing in the kitchen looking for something to munch on. Sometimes I think I should just be happy where I am, but mostly I think I need to reach my goal. I just need to find the motivation to keep up the battle for more than one week at a time.

Report Inappropriate Comment
JANRTEACH 6/23/2011 12:53PM

    Jess -- First of all ,you are very inspiring. Secondly, in your most recent pix you look tiny!!

I wonder if you just don't need a break.You sound hungry!! I know you have yourplan down pretty well, but maybe you are just bored right now. You might try another plan just for a change.

The 160s are hard -- too little for some XL clothes, too big for some, too little for my friends -- the women's section. Everytime I shop it is hard to know where to look.

I suggest you try MissSmarty Pants. I have a tummy from surgeries and being old, but now I at least know how to cover it up. :) That website really helped me get my clothes together. Now that I know what will lookk good on me, I rarely have any incidents in the dressing rooms (except for finding the right area or size.)

Hang in there girlfriend --

Report Inappropriate Comment
SARAHJ19 6/23/2011 12:50PM

    Jess...I can completely relate with you! I am in the same boat...standing in front of my pantry stuffing my face with whatever I can grab, while telling myself I shouldnt be doing this. I know how hard this is. I feel like I could have wrote this blog!

Just remember how strong you are and that you can push through this. Don't give up on spark people, we are here for you! There will be rough patches but know you WILL get through it! I know it, if I can I know you can! Keep your spark friends in mind for support! Also you deserve being looked up to and your are deserving of being an inspiration...you are real and are dealing with real problems that come along with this journey. It is not all sunshine and rainbows. You can get through this! Message me if you need anything!

Report Inappropriate Comment
LOSINGJESS 6/23/2011 12:34PM

    I just want to thank everyone who has left comments on this blog. I feel so much better now after have read them, then I did before reading them. You all are such awesome amazing people and I know that I would have never made it as far as I have without spark and all of you. :-)
I know it will take time to get to a place where I am truly happy with myself but I know this is a good starting place, and I will get there one day.


Report Inappropriate Comment
NIKKIV2 6/23/2011 12:11PM

    You have accomplished so much and have so much to be proud of! I agree with you that maybe maintaining is a better option for you now and just try to be happy where you are. It isn't easy accepting ourselves when we aren't happy with what we see in the mirror but you have to remember you have done so much in the last two years that now it is time to work on the inner you! We are all here for you and do not want to see you leave spark out of embarrassment. Stay strong and know that whenever you need someone to listen or to vent to, we are all here for you!

Report Inappropriate Comment
BOVEY63 6/23/2011 11:50AM

    I totally understand what you are going through. Even though I know how well I have done so far, I still hate my body and see every flaw when I look in the mirror. I don't know if we will ever get past this, but I do know that logging onto SP daily really does help - even if I'm only on for a short time.

You have inspired so many of us with your success. Don't ever feel that you don't deserve our admiration because you do. And always remember that we are here for you too!

Report Inappropriate Comment
MALIAN1 6/23/2011 11:40AM

    Push through.....and don't worry about what other people think. You can't worry whether or not you are motivating others when you need to concentrate on yourself. This is all about you!!! Hang in there! You know what you need to do - practice practice practice and it will become habit!

Report Inappropriate Comment
IOWAGRAMMA 6/23/2011 10:22AM

    I just read your blog (and Spark Page) for the first time. You sound really discouraged right now, and it must be frustrating to know you've come so far and still feel as if you haven't conquered the destructive behaviors you describe. You've taken a great step by acknowledging your fears and even disappointment in yourself. But, it's also important to remember to be kind to yourself--at least as kind as you would be to someone else! And try not to forget that a food addiction is just as hard to live with as any other kind of addiction, so the first bite is the easiest to take, the second bite is almost impossible to stop. Maybe just writing the blog today was a great way to get back on track and help to sort things out for you. Will be keeping you in my prayers! Jeannie

Report Inappropriate Comment
LISA01605 6/23/2011 10:16AM

    Having leftover, empty skin is something that I am really concerned about. Reading your blog and seeing what you are going through in terms of the skin really scares me. I don't want to have plastic surgery so I hope that by losing slowly I minimize the skin problem. Congrats on losing over 100 pounds! I hope to do the same one day.

Report Inappropriate Comment
MOMTOCONNOR2003 6/23/2011 10:15AM

    I would concentrate on the maintenance for a month or two and then go back to trying to lose the last 10 pounds. Make sure you stay hydrated so that some of your extra skin will shrink with time though it will not completely go away. Trust me even with a tummy tuck you will still find fault in yourself. If it is not the skin it is something else. Take time to remember how your back may have hurt, or getting winding tieing your shoes, etc. Think of how much better off you are now and avoid the pantry door. I remember one time I benged ate and gave myself a good case of food poisoning eating everything in the fridge. I was going through a depressing stage in my life at the time and found comfort in the food.

Don't feel bad about the 10 pounds, I have been in the same 5 pound area of the past 6 months as well. My New Years resolution was to lose another 30 to 40 pounds this year but I have lost and gained the same 5 over and over. This week I decided to change it up, add more cardio, change up my routines and staying strict on my diet. I am hoping to get past this 5 pound thing this month so that the next month I will have the excitement to finally being somewhere (lb wise) that I have not been to in years. I would love to fly through the 170's straight to the 160's myself.

Report Inappropriate Comment
TREASURINGLIFE 6/23/2011 10:02AM

    First off - (((HUGS))).

You have accomplished a great deal and you should feel proud. That being said, you will battle with weight for the rest of your life, just like everyone else. It's very rare that it ever gets "easy." You just have to learn how to make it work for you.

That being said, maybe 160 is your ideal weight. If it's where you seem to be able to maintain things and where you are when you're most steady with your eating-well and working out, then perhaps that's your magic number.

Instead of focusing on the number on the scale, maybe you need to switch things up and try to strive for a different goal - something more fitness related or even money-saving related. Maybe try to find a way to save more on monthly bills while maybe even earning a little more each month and putting all that saving and extra earning into an account set up specifically to help with tummy-tuck costs. Hey - you deserve to look in the mirror and feel pride and there is nothing wrong with wanting a tummy tuck! If continuing to work out, eat well, and save for the next year ultimately allows you to get that tummy tuck, then think about how awesome that would be! A year. Only a year. It'll pass quickly and before you know it, you'll be able to afford your surgery - obviously not paying for it completely with savings, but paying for a nice chunk of it, and then be able to afford whatever additional payments need to be made because you've spent a year cutting back on expenses so now you can put that money towards your bill instead of in that savings account.

Listen, you know as well as anyone that if there's a will - there's a way!

Good luck - stay strong - walk proud - be happy - enjoy your accomplishments - celebrate ALL your successes - and never, ever, ever give up! You ARE an inspiration. And not because you're perfect, either. You aren't. And perfect isn't inspirational - REAL is inspirational and you are real. You have struggles, you over come them - you have set-backs, you over come them. THAT is what's inspirational about you and your journey.

Giant (((HUGS))) to you. Keep on fighting the good fight. You're worth it!

- Michelle

Report Inappropriate Comment
BRENDAF761 6/23/2011 9:56AM

    You have done an awesome job with your weight loss. I've been trying to maintain my weight loss for 12yrs. now. I will tell you that it never gets any easier. You have to motivate yourself every single day. I've felt just like you many times. I've also had abdominal plastic surgery due to so many health issues after losing my weight. It was the hardest thing I've ever went through. My clothes do fit better but I still don't love the way I look. I wouldn't have it done knowing what I now know about how painful that surgery is. I gained weight after the surgery and just can't seem to lose it. Just remember how great your body feels after losing all your weight! That keeps me motivated and determined to do the best I can everyday! Be proud of how far you've come. You've added so many healthy years to your life! Don't try to be perfect because nobody is. Make today a great day! I'm hitting the streets for a long walk! Take care and good luck to you! Brenda:)
emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment

    I hear you about the loose skin. I've got my share, too. I'm almost 60 years old and not financially well off enough to be able to consider surgery. Even if health insurance covered it, I don't have insurance, so I know I have to make peace with my body. In a way, that's been a theme for me throughout life. Regardless of where you see yourself now, you have to know that it is a much, much better place than you were before. Weight-wise, size-wise, loose skin-wise, wardrobe-wise...you are STILL a new and improved version of your overweight/obese self. I doubt you're perfect (none of us is). There's probably always going to be little flaws, or those last 10 pounds, that we wish weren't there. But give yourself credit for how far you've come and what an amazing job you've done! Think about all of the health benefits you've gained! Sit down and make a list of all of the ways you are better off now than you were then, and accept congratulations for each and every thing on your list.

As far as the bingeing...I'm no expert, but I have battled with being on that eating disorder spectrum in a couple of different places over time. I believe that obsession with dieting, with counting and measuring, jumping on the scale several times a day, and judging ourselves harshly for our imperfections can set us up for disordered eating. The more stringent and unaccepting we are of ourselves, the more we deprive ourselves, the more we are opening the door to a kind of rebound binge. You mentioned maybe focusing on maintaining for a while, and I think that makes sense. Do you track your food? Figure out what your maintenance calories would be for your goal weight and then eat that. Weight comes off very slowly towards the end of our journey, sometimes in fractions of a pound. Just steady your course for a while and see what happens.

Report Inappropriate Comment
EJMULLER 6/23/2011 9:45AM

    O I wish I could reach out and hug you right now!! You sound so sad and I can feel the pain in your voice. Look at the pictures of yourself from before the weight loss and remember where you started! You have come a LONG way - so far, and worked so hard to get here. Don't give up now.

A lot of people fall prey to the idea that losing the weight will suddenly transform their lives. And while getting fitter does make some great changes, it isn't a magic wand. It won't fix everything. You are still you, with the same insecurities you've had. It takes a lot of time to stop seeing your old self in the mirror of your mind.

I was watching "Say Yes to the Dress" (don't ask, guilty pleasure) the other day and they had a bride on there - gorgeous, very slim and so pretty - who had recently completed a weight loss of (I think) 120 pounds. She had been overweight her whole life She tried on dress after dress and looked beautiful in all of them. But she didn't end up buying anything because in her head, she still saw "the fat girl" she had been. She just couldn't see how lovely she looked now and that ALL of the dresses looked so pretty on her.

Explore something new. Maybe you could offer to counsel others who are just starting this journey. They could benefit from your experience and you would feel good about passing on your knowledge. Sometimes the best way to feel better about yourself is to help someone else.

Comment edited on: 6/23/2011 9:53:29 AM

Report Inappropriate Comment

    Jess, darling, you've come so far. It's a rough journey. To keep doing this day after day and to live in our bodies with leftover reminders of the way we used to be. Not to mention the habits that still haunt us. Whatever you do, don't give up on yourself. We're all here for you. Honestly, we are.

Chico's ... do you have one of their stores nearby? Their sizes fit differently. Walmart isn't made for women like us. Our bodies are real bodies. Find a store where their clothes fit you, your body and shop there. I know I can buy tops in Walmart, but not pants. Figure out the things you need to know about that supportive body of yours. What it can wear, where you need to shop to fit it and make it look beautiful. How you need to eat to make your plan work for you. Journal, journal, journal those feelings and work through them.

You'll get off that roller coaster ride. You will. We've all ridden it and might get on for a little spin every now and again, but we don't have to stay on long. YOU CAN DO THIS!

Love and big HUGS,
Cathy emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
62NVON 6/23/2011 9:26AM

    Jess! *hugs*

Perfection is an illusion, my dear. I am having to come to that realization too. I'm pretty much at goal, a little above right now, and I still find myself viewing my body in an unrealistic way. I have the tummy skin issue, but I'm 48, and after years of being overweight, I know I might be stuck with it.

I think focusing on maintaining for a bit might be a good thing for you. Our bodies hit these little plateaus where they want to settle at a weight. I'm letting mine think it's winning, then I'm going to blast these last 5 off!

As far as not coming here and being as active... you have accomplished SO much, and people do look up to you and YOU DO DESERVE IT! Documenting your struggles helps people too. It helps them realize that it's a lifelong process and even when you get to goal or close to it, it's still freakin' HARD!

I know what you are feeling, I'm there too. Please don't give up... you are absolutely amazing!

Report Inappropriate Comment
JANRTEACH 6/23/2011 9:19AM

    Jess-- I am SO sorry you have to go through this and I understand totally.

I've been on a six month roll myself. And I think the 160s are a hard place. XL clothes are a little small sometimes or sometimes too big. You aren't really in the smaller clothes, but the womens' clothes don't fit either. My best advice is Miss Smarty Pants -- they will help you with whatever your body type is right now. I'm an old lady and I know they really helped me with my tummy after surgery. It didn't take it away, but at least now I know how to cover it!!!

Hang in there girlfriend -- we've all been there and we are SO proud of you. Perhaps you should change your whole plan for awhile. I know you are really ingrained in your plan,but just like my low carb, which works fabulously when I'm ON it, sometimes we need a break. You sound hungry for something different to me. :)

Just thoughts -- give yourself some credit and a break maybe. :) emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment

activity question???

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

So I am taking sculpting for the summer semester at school. We started clay last night and I have to say I was surprised at the level of effort it takes to shape a 25 pound block of clay. You have to pick it up, slam it down, punch it, nead it, ect... It really gives you quite the upper body workout.

Now to my question. Sculpting is not on the spark people activity tracker, but massage work is. Do you think that I could compare what I am doing in my class (only the really active periods of shaping the clay of course, not detail work) to massage work?


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOSINGJESS 6/9/2011 8:57AM

    we just did practice exercises on Tuesday. We sculpted a sphere, cube and pyramid and the teacher had us sculpt a few random items. All quick and not really much creativity involved.

Today we are starting our project though. We are going to sculpt our own heads to scale. It should be awesome. Everyone else moaned and groaned when the teacher dropped that on us. I was happy though, I am really in my comfort zone with clay and with people. Even with drawing and photography, people are my favorite subjects.

Last project was a sculpture out of paper. Not like paper mache, more like taking card stock and glueing it to make 3D forms. It was hard and I did not like it at all. My sculpture came out good though because I put alot of work into it. I will post pictures of it later.


Report Inappropriate Comment
SUGIRL06 6/8/2011 2:24PM

    That is so cool! Yeah, I would probably track it as a massage. Or you could just not track it and see it as "extra"?

Report Inappropriate Comment
MELLABELLAS 6/8/2011 1:01PM

    How fun! That is pretty much the most creative workout ever! Yeah I'm pretty sure you could count it as massage work. I think a heart rate monitor would be a cool idea but I worry about you getting clay on it. What did you decide to sculpt the clay into?

Report Inappropriate Comment
LOSINGJESS 6/8/2011 12:49PM

    no heart rate monitor yet, but that is a great idea. I will have to keep it in mind when I get around to purchasing one.

Report Inappropriate Comment

    Great idea! That's as close as I can think of. What a nice workout though!

Report Inappropriate Comment
LISA01605 6/8/2011 11:43AM

    I think that makes sense. You are massaging the clay.

Do you have a heart rate monitor you could wear to determine how much you are actually burning? That would be the most accurate and then you could just enter sculpting as an activity.

Report Inappropriate Comment

155 !!!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


I was just thinking about my weight loss total and I was not sure what number I was at right now. I just had not been keeping up with it. When ever anyone asks me how much I have lost I just kinda say, oh 100 and something.

so I was curious so I pulled out the calculator and it turns out I have lost 155 pounds total... which is weird because I weigh exactly 155 pounds currently.

Wow... I never thought I would lose half of my body weight, but I do weigh exactly half of what I once weighed. Its kinda surreal.

Highest weight: 310
Start weight: 273
Current weight: 155
Total lost since highest: 155
Total lost since start: 118

I like those numbers :-)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DAVEW175 6/19/2011 7:17AM

    You're looking great! What an inspiration!

Report Inappropriate Comment
IMAGINE_IT 6/9/2011 9:28AM

    You have done an amazing job!! Be very proud of yourself! emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
TRACYZABELLE 6/3/2011 3:29AM


Report Inappropriate Comment
SEXYFITME 6/1/2011 9:46AM

    That is amazing!!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
MOMMACASSEY 5/20/2011 1:05PM

    Congratulations! That's the result of a lot of hard work--thanks for the inspiration!

Report Inappropriate Comment
STASKER 5/20/2011 8:43AM

  The is AWESOME!! You are an inspiration!!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
ALLEY2300 5/20/2011 2:10AM

    That is great! Way to go!

Report Inappropriate Comment
KIRKEN2 5/20/2011 12:24AM

    emoticon emoticon

that is so awesome! you have lost a whole you!

Report Inappropriate Comment
LINDA! 5/18/2011 5:40PM

    emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
CECE0330 5/18/2011 3:24PM

    That is AMAZING!!!!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
BOVEY63 5/18/2011 12:03PM

    Those are pretty darn awesome numbers! You really are an inspiration!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
CRK910 5/18/2011 11:36AM

    Awesome job jess.
Way to go!

Report Inappropriate Comment
TREASURINGLIFE 5/18/2011 11:03AM

    Those are amazingly fantastic numbers for which you should feel VERY proud of!!!!!!!!! :)

- Michelle

Report Inappropriate Comment
SWEETNEENI 5/18/2011 10:59AM

    I want to be just like you someday. emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
RUTHANNE100 5/18/2011 10:54AM

    You've accomplished so much!! What an inspiration you are!

Report Inappropriate Comment
JENNIFER0807 5/18/2011 10:47AM

    Hey Girl,
thanks for commenting on my blog about my lil girl. i'll take all the help i can get. :)
Your weight loss is amazing. can't believe you used to be twice your size.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
LISA01605 5/18/2011 10:34AM

    You are an inspiration!

Report Inappropriate Comment
ROJAKHAN 5/18/2011 10:27AM


Report Inappropriate Comment
SIMPLYABUNDANT 5/18/2011 10:26AM

    Those are great numbers to have ~ and easy to remember! You know those reveals where the person who's lost weight holds up the pair of jeans they wore when then started out and they drop them, to reveal they've been standing behind just one pant leg? That's YOU! YAY!
emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
MALIAN1 5/18/2011 10:23AM

    I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO proud of you!!! That is amazing! What a success story...Way to Go!

Report Inappropriate Comment

    What emoticon numbers!!!! You can do anything you want to do!!! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
MALEXANDER4 5/18/2011 10:10AM

    I can't begin to tell ya what and inspiration you are to me. You have shown me that it can be done and I just need to set my mind and do it. Thank you Jess for sharing your journey and sharing your food blogs. I always look forward to reading your blogs.

Report Inappropriate Comment
SARAHJ19 5/18/2011 10:02AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon Holla! You go girl! That is so great!!!!!!! You should be so proud!

Report Inappropriate Comment
IGUANA3 5/18/2011 9:52AM


Report Inappropriate Comment
BUBBLES1541 5/18/2011 9:51AM

    Way to go!!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
ARGYLE-RUNNER 5/18/2011 9:47AM


Report Inappropriate Comment

Food blog Wednesday 5/11

Thursday, May 12, 2011

breakfast - 2 fried eggs, 2 slices turkey bacon, sauteed spinach, mushrooms, zuccini & peppers, 1 tbls salsa

Lunch - BST sandwich (turkey bacon, spinach, tomato, light mayo on 2 slices sara lee 45 calorie delightful bread)
1/2 cup carrots, 1 tbls hidden valley bacon ranch

Dinner - orzo casserole - 1 serving - 1/2 cup orzo, 2 oz lean ground beef, diced onion, canned diced tomato, salt & pepper, 1/4 cup shredded 2% cheddar cheese
1 cup green beans
small salad w/ tomato, hidden valley bacon ranch, bacon bits and mushroom

snack - 25 calorie popcicle (not shown)

snack - Raspberry ricotta ice cream (tastes awesome and has protien!)
1/3 cup part skim ricotta cheese, mixed with 1/8 - 1/4 packet sugar free raspberry jello mix. spread in a thin layer in a cereal size bowl and put in freezer for about 15 minutes until just starting to freeze. Mix up and put a little bit of milk or almond milk to make smooth - about a tablespoon
serve with whipped topping & fresh or thawed frozen berries

1351 calories - a bit low for the day but I just did not want to eat anymore

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IMAGINE_IT 6/9/2011 9:25AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon I always love your food blogs!!!
I have to try the Raspberry ricotta ice cream...it looks and sounds yummy!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
MAMAFEELGOOD 5/13/2011 4:51PM

    I have missed these. Thanks for posting

Report Inappropriate Comment

    Your food looks delish! especially the frozen raspberry stuff! creative way to solve your icecream cravings!

Report Inappropriate Comment
BOVEY63 5/12/2011 12:39PM

    Can you please come prepare and cook my meals? Yours look so yummy!

Report Inappropriate Comment
HEIDIC75 5/12/2011 11:05AM

    yummie!!!!! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
JENNIFER0807 5/12/2011 9:52AM

    your meals look so hearty and tasty! Good job! emoticon yum

Report Inappropriate Comment
BRENDAF761 5/12/2011 9:16AM

    Your meals look so good! Thanks for sharing your ideas. It's great to get some new food ideas! emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment

    I think food blogs force you to really pay attention what you're eating. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment

    I love food blogs and your meals look delicious! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
BAKER1009 5/12/2011 8:29AM

    That all looks awesome! Quit the little chef you are!

Report Inappropriate Comment
4EVERFIT011 5/12/2011 8:29AM

    What and excellent idea on the Raspberry Ricotta ice cream. I will definitely be making that soon. You had some yummy ideas. I will be checking your blog more regularly. Have a good day.
emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
MALEXANDER4 5/12/2011 7:48AM

    I have always loved your food blogs. You are so original and I get so many ideas from you. Thank you.

Report Inappropriate Comment

Painting class is over. Photos of my final two paintings (warning nudity)

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

well tonight was the last night of my painting class and I had a really good time doing it. I really surprised myself with what I came up with ... although not as good as I envisioned them in my head they made me feel something when I looked at them so I know they are pretty good. I am really hoping I progress more with it in the future.

My next class is sculpting which I am really looking forward to... I have a feeling that I am going to be a bad ass sculpter. lol.

Here are my last two painting. I finished 4 in all for the class. (the first two I posted in a previous blog)


Untitled Tree
acrylic & sand


This was an abstract self portrait that I just finished. I really wanted to capture not only the physical aspects of going from obese to healthy but also the emotional change. When you go from being large to being small there is an emotional battle that you go through to mentally adopt your new body as being your own. Also I painted the hair all fiery in contrast to the dead looking shell of the cocoon, to represent how much more alive, free and confident I feel now compared to how I felt when i weighed around 300 pounds.

Not yet titled
Acrylic & liquid gold leaf


both paintings are pretty big btw... the tree comes from my feet to my stomach and the self portrait comes from around my feet to my chest. woosh, hard taking them to class on windy days lol... like carrying a boat sail around lol.

Feel free to give me positive or negative criticism

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JANRTEACH 5/12/2011 11:33AM

    I really like both of them and the feel that they have. Bravo./

Report Inappropriate Comment
GOODBYEHORSES 5/11/2011 5:25PM

    They would both look incredible hanging in my home! emoticon The self portrait really speaks to me though. I think we all feel just like that.

Report Inappropriate Comment


Report Inappropriate Comment
CARTONIFIED 5/11/2011 2:49PM

    They're both AMAZING.

Report Inappropriate Comment

    The visual of your new self emerging from your old cocoon is just astounding! WONDERFUL! Congratulations!

Report Inappropriate Comment
BOVEY63 5/11/2011 12:24PM

    beautiful paintings - I love how you depicted your weight loss!

Report Inappropriate Comment

    I LOVE LOVE LOVE them both but the 2nd one......that is fantastic! absolutely stunning!

Report Inappropriate Comment
JELLI-LEAN 5/11/2011 12:03PM

    WOW...you know how to capture what you were feeling when you were heavy and became thin! You paintings are wonderful...I am a painter myself, just haven't done any for several years!

Report Inappropriate Comment
MALIAN1 5/11/2011 11:13AM

    Beautiful!!! You are amazing!

Report Inappropriate Comment
IHAVETOO10 5/11/2011 11:06AM




Report Inappropriate Comment
WISCHY30 5/11/2011 10:15AM

    Those are absolutely beautiful-I love them!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
41SUSAN14 5/11/2011 10:10AM

    Very inspirational

Report Inappropriate Comment
BAKER1009 5/11/2011 9:55AM

    Those are all great! I especially love the last one. That is a great way to capture the journey of living healthy and losing weight. Great job! I can't wait to see what you sculpt!

Report Inappropriate Comment
MOMJMGR 5/11/2011 9:32AM

    Love them both. What great talent!

Report Inappropriate Comment
LISA01605 5/11/2011 9:17AM

    I love your work. The self portrait is so right on. I love the imagery of emerging from a cocoon of fat. You are very talented.

Report Inappropriate Comment

    What amazing and beautiful work! I especially liked the second one ~ so visceral, that breaking free, that emergence, the escape of butterflies swirling around the newborn woman as she rises from (and above) her old self. It truly spoke to me. Wonderful!

Report Inappropriate Comment
ASHARON 5/11/2011 8:43AM

    Wow they are both so great!

Report Inappropriate Comment
WATCHMEGO2 5/11/2011 8:02AM

    awesome. awesome. awesome.
That's all I can say.

Report Inappropriate Comment
HISARTIST 5/11/2011 7:58AM

    Great work!! I love the self portrait!! I can really see and feel the emotion behind the work, which is what we all strive for as artists. Congratulations, and I can't wait to see your sculptures!!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
PRINCESSNURSE 5/11/2011 7:41AM

    They are both beautiful, but I LOVE the second one!

Report Inappropriate Comment
ELLIE-1220 5/11/2011 7:39AM


Report Inappropriate Comment
ANGELCOWBOY1 5/11/2011 7:17AM

    Beautiful work !

Report Inappropriate Comment
MALEXANDER4 5/11/2011 7:12AM

    Again Jess you move me. I have always seen you as beautiful and now you see you that way also. You inspired me to run my first 5k and For that I thank you. You have so much talent my friend. I have to tell ya I feel like that a lot of the time. I'm starting to see the new me but some days it is very hard.

Report Inappropriate Comment
GEMINI-SKY 5/11/2011 6:58AM

    2 Things
1. Your Paintings are Simply Beautiful.
2. So Are YOU ! ! !

You sure have a lot to be Proud of ! ! !

Comment edited on: 5/11/2011 7:04:47 AM

Report Inappropriate Comment
TRACYZABELLE 5/11/2011 6:24AM

    Beautiful work jess-- it definitely touches many of us.

Report Inappropriate Comment
RETURNOFSARAH 5/11/2011 2:52AM

    Wow, you are very talented. The self portrait is amazing, what a wonderful concept and you have painted it beautifully xx

Report Inappropriate Comment
HANNAHROSE1209 5/11/2011 2:12AM

    To see it in person was extraordinary and inspiring. You have inspired me and I want to feel this way about myself. Thank you for sharing! :)

Report Inappropriate Comment
MSDHARMA 5/10/2011 10:45PM

    These are awesome. I love the tree woman.

Report Inappropriate Comment
SWEETNEENI 5/10/2011 10:37PM

    That self portrait is PRICELESS. The concept is so personal, so visceral, it's truly a stunning image.

I can't wait to see your sculptures emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
ARGYLE-RUNNER 5/10/2011 10:27PM

    Both lovely in their own ways, but I'm especially fond of the tree one - very beautiful :)

Report Inappropriate Comment

    Beautiful. Moving. Awesome.

And then I scroll to the second. I lose all words. As tears stream down my face, I see that this person I do not know has captured me ... a butterfly emerging from my own 300 pound cocoon. My God! You've captured ME! I am moved beyond words. How do I thank you for putting me, my feelings, my emotional me in front of my face for me to see? I am stumbling for words to tell you how grateful I am to you. Oh my God! I am simply stunned. You, dear, are magnificent. Such talent to draw what is in your mind's eye. Thank you, thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my heart!

Report Inappropriate Comment
READYRACHEL 5/10/2011 10:18PM

    These are both extraordinary! You are very talented.

Report Inappropriate Comment
MIPALADY23 5/10/2011 10:18PM

    Very cool...keep painting!

Report Inappropriate Comment

First Page  1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 Last Page