Monday, March 07, 2011
Well I have been trying to get back on track for a while now... It seems that for the past few months (ever since I started going back to school) I have been slipping when it comes to taking care of myself. I stopped going to weight watchers meetings, except to do my monthly weigh in. I have been eating crap that I would not have eaten in amounts that I would not have eaten and have been pretty much a bump on a log as far as exercise goes. I have also been sick off and on for a little over a month now. Stomach flu, colds, and now I am just getting over an ear infection, sinus infection and chest cold.
The good news in all of it, is I have not let my self slip so far as to gain alot of weight. I have stayed between 159 and 164 for the past three months and am now sitting at around 160. I can thank weighing in on my digital scale every morning to me not gaining. weighing in really makes you take a step back and say, maybe I need to reel it in a bit today.
I had a rough time but I think I am finally starting to get back into the swing of things. I started out rocking the beginning of last week but finished the week strong. I went back to counting weight watchers points and got my etools back so I can now track online again. I find that tracking online helps me so much and looking back on it, as soon as I made lifetime I dropped my etools and started to have major problems staying on track. hmmm. I think its worth the 12 bucks I have to pay monthly.
I am only on day 3 of this week but I have stayed in my points range every day and exercised all three days. That is pretty major considering that I had cut out all exercise for a while there.
I have been eating a lot of frozen dinners. I have either cereal, eggs or oatmeal for breakfast and then a frozen meal and some veggies for lunch, then for dinner I have another frozen dinner and veggies. Then I eat fruit, string cheese, Greek yogurt, crackers and other things for snacks. I have been limiting myself to 2 snacks per day. The frozen meals are really keeping me on track because they are all between 5-8 points and are portion controlled so I cant nibble while I am making them or go back for seconds. Also I have found that they really are not as small in portion as I previously thought. If you take them out of the container and put them on a small plate paired with a serving of steamed vegetables or a salad, it looks like a full plate of food and is pretty good.
I'm hoping to start dropping weight again. I am dropping my goal to 5 pound increments which seems more manageable. Its funny because 10 or 15 pounds is like something to sneeze at when you weight over 250 - 300 lbs..... but when you get down to 160 every pound is a battle. Its crazy.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Well if you read my status you know that I wanted to be able to come up here on spark people at the end of yesterday and report a fabulous day of healthy eating and fitness.
The day started well, I tracked my food, ate a good breakfast. I had plans to go to the mall and eat lunch with my daughter (a healthy preplanned lunch), and then walk around the mall to get some exercise. We went out and I got a Moe's burrito, minus the tortilla shell, minus sour cream and minus cheese... which came out to about 300 calories. They gave me chips with my meal, a whole suitcase full.... (the bag was big) and I gave them to my sister when I got home later. I got lyra a chick-fil-A sandwich and a fruit cup which she only ate half of the sandwich and I ended up eating the other half. Not planned but not too horrible. Then we walked around the mall for 30 minutes.
Not a bad afternoon, but then I got home and my sister told me some lady called but the only thing she could remember is it was important. Big help.
The lady called back about an hour later though and it turns out she was from child protective services. I already knew who called on me when i heard that. The same people who called on me the three times before, my xhusband and his mother. This will be the 4th time in 3 years they have called CPS on me for crazy things that are not even close to be true.
She set up an appt to come over this morning because I had to go to school last night.
So I went to school last night and was all stressed out because I had to come home and clean the house from top to bottom. It wasent disgusting or anything but was rather dirty because I have been going to school all week and just have not had the time to clean up. I was also stressed about the visit from the social worker in general. I know I am a good mom and I go everything I am suppose to do, sometimes even more than I am suppose to do, but there was that feeling that maybe I am doing something wrong that I dont realize and they are going to take my kids from me. I know this is silly... they dont take peoples kids away for not dusting or having a messy fridge. Having my kids taken from me is my greatest fear though, they are my whole world and everything I do in my life is for them. My X took my son from me for 3 months when he was a baby and that has damaged me and I have never gotten over it. Its still hard to think of. I felt like crawling into a hole and dieing when it happened. I think that is why I am such a good parent to my kids, I know to never ever take them for granted.
Anyway, I ended up going to ruby tuesdays and getting a burger and a salad and an appitizer of dumplings. I brought that home and split it with my husband. We ended up not eating the salad because we were full after the other stuff, so I dont think I ate that bad.... but it was not planned and was not the best choice. I was so stressed out..
oh and i knocked back two 4oz glasses of wine.
considering how I was feeling I dident do too bad, but it was not a planned event and I most likely should have done something other than eat to cure stress. Lets just say over all it could have been worse.
So anyway, unrelated to my health. I met with the social worker this morning. It turns out that this time the abuse that I have been inflicting on my son was.
1. He has a cough when he goes to there house (kids get colds)
2. I am on an extream diet and have made my son afraid to eat anything
3. My son is frail and malnurished because I starve him, and you can see his ribs and back bone.
Well I guess my X husband and his mother have realized Im all skinny now. I suppose they have come to the conclusion that durring the last two years I have become an anorexic and have made my son one as well. My son is not frail or underweight by the way, he is a normal healthy weight for his height and age. He feels like a sack of bricks when i lift him. You can see his ribs when he sucks in his stomach, and you can see his spine to but not in a 3rd world country sort of way. Hell I am at the top of a healthy bmi and you can see my ribs when I suck in my stomach too.
I feed both of the kids healthy food. last night they had whole wheat lasagna with spinach and zucchini. They ate it too. Its alot of spinach I put in my lasagna too. I pack aidens lunch every day and pack him a snack, because I want to know what he is eating. I try to teach them both healthy habits so they dont have the same problems that I have had, and I must be doing a good job if he is telling my X husband that he dosent want to eat certain unhealthy foods when he is at his house.
I think because of how my X and his family live they actually do think I am starving him. My X-husband (who was a pretty skinny guy when we were together before he went mentaly insane and broke up with me to move in with his mental mother) is around 350 - 400 lbs now and his mother who is very short is most likely around 250 lbs. The two are not the picture of health in any standard. They feel Aiden nothing but soda and pizza and other junk when he goes over there.
Aiden came home a few months ago and told me that when he is at there house he eats peanut butter and sugar sandwiches. I told him that eating a lot of sugar is not healthy for you and a better choice would be to put bananas on his sandwich instead of sugar. Anyway he went back and told them that eating alot of sugar will make you unhealthy and he would not eat the peanut butter and sugar sandwiches anymore.
And this past time when he went to there house they celebrated his birthday from last month and got him pizza and cake. He told me that he ate too much pizza and he was full so he dident want any cake. That prob made them upset and pushed them over the edge to call social services on me again.
Sigh, its all ridiculous to me.
anyway the visit from the social worker was very casual and quick. Im sure she figured since this is the 4th visit and the last visit (which was about me starving him also) was not found to be true, so this one would not be either. I showed her the food in my kitchen.... including all the junk that is up there for the kids (ravioli, macaroni and cheese, cookies.) I think she knows Im not starving them.
She said after she left the house she was going to go to aidens school and ask him a few questions and then have the school nurse check to see if he was a healthy weight and then close out the case.
After she left I got lyra's shoes on and we went down to social services where I applied for child support for the first time. I had been avoiding it for the past 5 years because I dont really need it... my husband has a good job and supports us very well.... and because I knew that it would cause more drama with them. It seems that the drama is always created anyway though, even when I try to avoid it they make it for me in some way. So lets see how he likes getting harrassed by the system. He has never paid me a penny for the care of aiden.... not even for the year we were together while aiden was a baby. He was unempoloyed because of his mental illness and I worked to support him... I think aiden deserves it anyway, because he does nothing for him, including taking care of him while aiden is at his house.
You know they feed my son so badly at there house that he comes back constipated from only being there one weekend. Its been a full week since he was last there and he still has not gone to the bathroom. It really makes me so mad. then they have the nerve to call CPS on me saying I am mistreating him.
Well sorry for this rant.... I needed to vent a little bit.
MY BEAUTIFUL HEALTHY CHILDREN :-)
Thursday, February 03, 2011
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ~ Marianne Williamson
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