Monday, October 11, 2010
well this past weigh in was a hell of a lot better than I thought it was going to be. I lost another 2 pounds bringing me down to 164! That number seems all wrong looking at it, like something foreign. I mean the last 20 pounds have really gone by in a flash and I was just getting use to 180. Not that I am complaining because the sooner I can get there the better.... I mean my goal weight at weight watchers is 160 pounds (even though I plan to go 10 - 15 pounds lower than that) so I am really excited to get to that goal and then in a few weeks not have to pay weight watchers membership fees anymore. that will be awesome.
I have been feeling really bad lately... depressed, unenergetic and horrible about me. I Think Its because I am having a bit of a problem with my self esteam. I know most people, expecially the people who still have alot to lose prob want to smack me... I know me back when I was 270 pounds would want to smack me right now.... but I have really been feeling bad about my body lately. I think its because I am now 160 pounds and back when I started all this, 160 looked alot different in my mind then it does in reality. I wish someone got you ready for the fact that once you loose all the weight, expecially if you started out reeeally big, like I did... that your body may not look the way you expect. I think I see myself alot different then most people though... I feel like I look really big when I know I am not as big as I see myself.
I am lucky in the fact that my loose skin is not horrible. I mean I have seen people who have flaps of belly skin that hang to mid thigh. I only have a few inches that hang over and I can still see my you know what, so Im really lucky because I had a very very large belly roll when I started and alot of back fat... my belly is pretty small now and my back fat is almost gone, I think it would be completley smooth if it werent for the loose skin and I expect in the next 15 pounds everything will get a lot smaller but everything is all loose and icky and it makes me feel really bad about myself, even when Im all dressed. I mean the truth is, if I did not have all this skin on my belly and back then I would prob be about 2 sizes smaller than I am. ::sigh::
Another thing is... the girls have shrunk even more.... or I guess I should say deflated. I can grab a whole hand full of loose skin on each breast... its horrible. I have gone from a small D cup to a B cup and the skin has pretty much stayed the same size... if that gives you any indication how bad it is. The sad part is, if I dident have the extra skin filling the cup up, I would be even smaller. Its crazy. .... I dont mind being this small really but the fact that I cant wear certain bras and they hang way down with no shape at all, really bothers me.
I dont want to feel this way about myself...I am really proud of everything I have accomplished and want to feel good about me. I am really trying to focus on the positives instead of the negitives but its still hard. I think buying some shapewear would do a world of good for my self esteam but unfortunatly I can afford to get anything right at this moment. Maybe in a few weeks though.
Once I make lifetime thats 40 dollars a month I can be buying clothing with. I really think some clothes that fit right and flatter the body I have would help out. No one feels good when they are wearing workout clothes all the time.... Which is what I wear most of the time. I dont have alot of clothing so thats usually what I end up in... my thought being "well Im going to be working out sometime today anyway". So I end up working out at night usually, taking a shower and putting workout clothes on again the next day... pulling my hair into the same loose pony tail and feeling generaly crappy about myself.
Something needs to change... I know my body will change more but the loose skin situation is not going to. I need to just deal with it and find other ways to make myself feel good. I think Im going to start wearing make up... Im almost 29 and have never really bothered much with it, but I am just feeling like I am starting to show my age.... as horrible as that is. I mean I am only 29 and I feel compleatly haggard most days. :-( I need to spend a little less time worrying about everyone else and spend a few extra minutes a day making myself feel beautiful... Im going to seriously crawl in a hole and cry if I dont,.... I feel that bad most days.
So my focuses this week are working on my self esteam... spending some extra time making myself look good, just for my own bennifit... even if I am just spending the day inside with my 1 year old and no one eles will see me. Eating a little lighter because I have been feeling really bogged down lately and generaly unenergetic and drinking lots of water. I still want to lose some weight this week but my main focus is going to be feeling better.
I hope everyone has an awesome week.
Thursday, October 07, 2010
I had a rough day yesterday... well my whole week has been hard actually. I used up all my weekly points this past weekend and so I was left with a negitive amount of weekly points that I had to try and make up for by exercising. Its been hard because I only have 22 points per day to eat and I find it hard to stick to that. I usually eat about 4 or 5 points over that each day and use my weekly points for it. I cant do that this week because I dont have any weekly points left. do you see my delima?
So here I am, 2nd day of That time of the month, Im feeling hungry and sad and crappy. I feel like crawling into bed and crying. To make matters worse we spent waaay more money than we planned last weekend so I had to cut back my shopping list alot. We normaly spend 150 dollars a week at the grocery store and this week we spent $65. Was not pretty. So Im having to scrape together every bit of creativity I have to make my meals appealing. Its hard.
So yesterday I did alot of nibbling. I was trying really hard not to nibble but I did ... Im really hoping that this week is not horrible and I gain 5 pounds. I am so scared of that.
Breakfast - 3/4 cup honey graham Ohs, 1/4 cup mini wheats, 1/2 cup skim milk, 1/2 banana
Snack - 1 1/2 servings kettle cooked chips
Lunch - 1 flatout wrap w/ 1 morning star chicken patty, lettuce, 1 tbls light ranch..... 1/2 stuffed bell pepper
(did not get a picture)
Dinner - baked whole wheat macaroni and cheese w/ light hot dogs, ketcup, 1/2 baked sweet potato, peas & carrot salad (shredded carrots mixed w/ raisins and light mayo)
This meal I find to be kinda odd but I am just trying to use up things I have on hand right now. lol.
bad day for food blogging... I dident take pictures of hardly anything. I went over my points yesterday by 3 and thats just the stuff I tracked. I know for a fact I was prob at least 7 points over with the other nibbles I had here and there.
Im reeeeally looking forward to saturday. Even if I gain weight, at least my points reset.
Friday, October 01, 2010
First off, I got in 30 minutes of walking yesterday morning after I dropped Aiden off at the bus stop. There is not a good place to walk on my street since there is no sidewalks and the road is very busy.... but there is a rather large church accross the street from my house which has a parking lot that extends the whole way around it.... so I walked the perimeter of the parking lot for 30 minutes, it was well lit, away from the road and the parking lot has servalence cameras... so that gives someone a little less motivation to try and kill me and throw me in a ditch somewhere. ..... (yes I think about that when Im walking... even though the crime rate is not high here I am alway cautious, expecially before the sun has come up)
I felt good afterwards though.
For breakfast I had an egg white and sausage english muffin and a large orange
Lunch time I had a lean cuisine steam bag meal.... tastes good, good amount of food and only 5 points per bag...... and a small salad
I had a glass of root beer
For dinner I had tomato, chicken and cheese frittata w/ a baked sweet potato & some steamed asparagus.
RECIPE - TOMATO, CHICKEN & CHEESE FRITTATA - 4 POINTS PER SERVING
4 EGG WHITES
1 TSP OLIVE OIL
2 TBLS FAT FREE MILK
1/4 CUP CLASSICO TOMATO PESTO
1/2 CUP FAT FREE CHEDDAR
1 CUP DICED COOKED CHICKEN BREAST
SALT & PEPPER
WISK EGG, EGG WHITES, MILK, SALT, PEPPER & OLIVE OIL TOGETHER
MIX IN CHEESE AND 1/8 CUP PESTO
SPRAY PIE PLATE W/ COOKING SPRAY
SPREAD CHICKEN EVENLY IN BOTTOM OF PIE PLATE
POUR EGG MIXTURE ON TOP
BAKE FOR AROUND 40 MIN OR UNTIL EGG IS FIRM (CAN TEST BY POKING CENTER WITH A KNIFE... WHEN IT COMES OUT CLEAN THE EGG IS COOKED.)
SPREAD REMAINING PESTO ON TOP.... CUT INTO 8 SLICES... 2 PER SERVING
HAND FULL OF CEREAL WHILE COOKING
Cup sugar free apple cider
cup sugar free hot cocoa & fat free popcorn
.... kinda stopped tracking yesterday so not quite sure how much this was... pretty sure i was not over though.
took a pic of my outside fall decore if anyone was interested in seeing
I bought these pants 10 years ago at a thrift store when I was 300 lbs. I have talked about them up here before. I have almost gotten rid of them sevral times because deep down I knew that I would never be small enough to wear them... It just was not possible.
Well guess what... I was wrong! I put them on this morning and they fit! I could stand to lose a half inch or so in my thighs but other than that they fit perfectly. They arent really my style anymore, they are like a punk rock type plaid pant but Im gonna wear the hell out of them, just because I can!
It makes me a little sad to know that I almost got rid of them because I dident beleive in myself enough to know I could do this. I guess that is the difference between being ready to do this and not.
I had that glimmer of hope in there somewhere though, or I would not have saved them for this long.
The bigger of the two pair is a size 22... When I started I could not fit size 22 anymore, I was squeezing my big butt into a size 3X maternity pants because I could not find jeans that would fit me.... I suppose I was around a size 26... so my before size was actually much bigger.... :-( ... I got rid of the 3x maternity pants because its hard to find maternity clothes at that size and I knew someone else would most likely really appreciate them.
Have a great friday... Im going to be rockin my size 12 skinny pants today so It will be a good day for me.
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