LOSINGJESS   16,011
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Running backwards

Sunday, April 25, 2010

When I was little I use to have these dreams where I was being chased. I dont know who was doing the chasing but I wanted to get away. I would try and try with all my might to run as fast as I could but it seemed the harder I tried the slower I would go and I would inch along at a snails pace like I was wrapped in chains pulling a truck behind me. All of a sudden I realized that what I was doing was not working so I would then turn around backwards and lean back and run backwards into the wind and all of a sudden all that weight was gone and I could run fast and free. It felt like I was being held up by invisable hands and I could move my legs as fast as they needed to go.

Today is the third day of me attempting to run and I have to say It felt a whole lot like the dreams I was in when I was a kid, except this time I knew that turning around backwards was not going to do me a damn bit of good. I have been running on the back street behind my house, which is not a very long street and has three huge electrical towers on it... one at each end and one in the middle. I have been running to one tower and then walking to the next and doing that over and over again for around 20 minutes.

I want to be one of the people that love to run, I really do, but as it stands I dont like running. I feel so heavy for one, I feel like I am 250 pounds again when I run, every stride I feel like the weight of the world is on top of me, when all I want to feel is light and free.

So It was really hard for me to get outside today, I figured that I would go out when my daughter laid down to go to bed at 7:00.... of course she had other plans and desided to scream as loud as she could when I laid her down... Like she was back in her crib being murdered. My husband is sitting on the computer playing world of warcraft and he is in a raid so he cant get up.... grrr.... All I wanted was 20 minutes... thats all I wanted! Instead I have to go back there and sit with her and try to get her to go to sleep... there is nothing wrong with her of course, as soon as I am back there she is bouncing around in her crib pointing at stuff in the room saying "whats that?" "look at this" ... its cute but I am still highly annoyed. She has done this for the past 5 nights, the first two because she was sick... but now she is just being a little brat that dosent want to go to bed.

So I stay back there for like 20 minutes and she dosent want to go to sleep still so I get up and say "go to sleep Im leaving" and leave the room. Its quiet when I leave the room, 10..... 9....... 8...... 7........ 6....... 5......... 4........ 3.........2.....1 "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
"

Back to being murdered.

So I just get her up. I put her down in the living room with her brother who is watching thomas the tank engine and tell my husband that I am going out for 15 minutes to run. The minute I say the word "outside" she starts screaming again and runs over to me and lifts her arms up for me to hold her. Im standing in the door way that leads from the living room to the kitchen banging my head against the door frame.... "all I want is 15 minutes for me!" ::sobbing::

So I go in and turn off Aidens thomas and put on something she likes... so he is all pouty.... I cant win..... and I leave the house.

By this time, my cheese cake that is in the oven has 15 minutes and the sun is about to set. I walk fast for like 4 minutes and then start to jog between my posts. I tried to push myself to run a little farther than I did yesterday or the day before expecially since I knew I only had 10 minutes as it was. I felt like I was going to die... and my nose wanted to run faster than my feet because I am still kinda sick..... so Im sniffling and dieing and my shorts keep ridding up and I keep pulling them back down my thighs..... and all the while I am thinking, "Is this ever going to be easy?.... Can I do this?..... Can I really get to where I can run over 3 miles in 6 weeks? .... Hell can I get to where I can run for 1/2 a mile in 6 weeks?"

Its really hard for me to picture myself being able to do this and as it stands I hate running and OMG is it hard to find time to get away from my kids.... I sign up for a 5k and they become the most clingy little monsters on the face of the earth.

I got in and my cheesecake was slightly overcooked.... damn..... because I had stayed out 5 minutes over what I planned. I finally got my munchkin in bed after another 1/2 hour up.

Here I sit now hoping that this will all get a bit easier... I know that the whole time issue is just something that I am going to have to work out a little better with my husband. He told me when I signed up for this thing that he would help me out with them so I could go out and run.... He seems to have forgoten that conversation now. we will work that out though. The thing I am worried about is what if this dosent get easier... what if I cant go more than a minute after a few weeks without feeling like Im going to keel over. lol. I know that the human body is an amazing thing... even mine.... so Im going to try and trust in that and give it a little time.

Thanks for listening to my vent

~ Jess emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MALEXANDER4 4/27/2010 8:34AM

    I used to feel that way when I first started running. Now don't get me wrong, i'm not a whole lot better now. But like you I pick a spot, and I run, sometimes I run farther and sometimes well, you the picture. I myself love it. Are you running or jogging? I find if I slow down, and just pace myself I do much better. good luck with the 5k. I'm proud of you for taking that step. I say I want to but have yet to do it. keep me posted on how your doing.

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SKINNYJENNYBY10 4/26/2010 12:09PM

    You did great!!

It hard....being a mother, wife, co-worker, so on..so forth.

I think its amazing how lucky our men are to have us in there life!! haha

Your doing a amazing...and keep it up...you really are an inspiration to me!! I read your blogs when I can catch them and you truly are an amazing women.

Your Spark Friend
Jen
emoticon

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WATCHMEGO2 4/26/2010 8:43AM

    I know you find it hard to believe now but it does get easier. I can't tell you when because everyone is different but it will happen. You have to tell yourself that you can do it, encourage yourself, and it will come. When I started I seriously thought I would die after a minute or two but now I can run for 45 minutes. The first few minutes of each run are the worst for me then I can get in my groove. I certainly wouldn't say I love to run, but I don't hate it anymore and that is a step in the right direction.

I am sorry that your husband has not been as supportive as you need him to be. I have four kids and I have to tell you that you are a patient woman because if that was my husband on the computer while one of our kids were having a fit and he had promised to help out more......well, let's just say I wouldn't have been as accommodating as you were.

Give it time, it will happen I promise.

emoticon emoticon

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JESSSPARK 4/25/2010 10:52PM

    I was an addicted raider and my husband enabled me for YEARS to be able to get home, log on at 5:30pm and raid until after he went to sleep

-yes I had guilt about this but.. dammit.. raiding was important and I was an officer and we might get a first kill and if I don't show up who is going to get the DKP because the other dkp officer is out of the country, AGAIN, and I have a new mage applicant I have to get up to speed and .. er... good god, wth was I thinking. I did eventually leave the game, partially because I discovered I didn't have time to work out AND get to raids by 5:30 pm and after months at 184 pounds the weight issue eventually became more important than the raiding. Partially it was that my husband quit and I just couldn't keep justifying letting him do all the work of feeding us.

Anyway, I say all this simply because I know and understand how difficult it might be to negotiate that time for yourself with an addicted raider as a spouse. Everquest was, for YEARS, very central to who I was (so yeah when I left I was the #1 magician in the game. period. in the world. I don't regret playing the game but good god did it suck up my life.). Hopefully your spouse is not as addicted as I was.

I suggest maybe a concrete task anchored in time (at the beginning of the night before raids start). Like make a deal that he has to cook dinner half the nights (during which time you get out and exercise, and he gets to raids late) or that he has to spend 30 minutes reading the kids books before the sun goes down. Something concrete like that would have worked better for me than just a promise to "support" my spouse if he had needed time. If his guild works anything like mine did there are always some people who cant get there when raids start and usually they are cut some slack if it's a work or family reason. Hopefully his guild is less hard core than what I was doing though!

Anyway, on to the running thing, I just finished week 2 of C25k and it definitely is getting different. Now, I'm not going to claim that it was really killing me to begin with, but my last one (week 2 day three) I actually RAN instead of just jogging on I think run #5. Anyway it does seem to be getting more "funnish" and less horrid, so keep with it a bit!

Sorry if this is TMI but I really relate to both these issues, obviously. emoticon

By the way, if you cant tell, sparkpeople, health-TV and articles are the new Everquest.. ;)

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RMEMECH 4/25/2010 10:47PM

    You did great just getting out during all that for the time you had and you should feel proud of that accomplishment! Hubby should be supporting you and maybe map that time out better for the rest of the week? Plan ahead with him on it, write it down on a calendar so he can't claim the "I don't remember that convo" card and no matter what be proud of what you can do!

I can't run anymore myself, and I wish I had your feet! Good luck with your future running! emoticon

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MONTANA_ED 4/25/2010 10:30PM

    I think you did a wonderful job with just getting out for a bit! It just goes to show how life can get into the middle of our plans. You are doing great and applaud you!


Onwards...

emoticon emoticon

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Photo Food Jounral Saturday 4-25-10

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Breakfast: Yogurt burst cheerioes, 1/2 cup 1% milk (I was rushed an dident get a pic, this pic is from the day before so I ate this except no banana) : 215 calories


Lunch: 2 slices thin crust california pizza kitchen BBQ chicken pizza, small salad with mushrooms, craisins, bell pepper & 1 Tbls kens ranch dressing: 315 calories


snack: Wasa Wheat Cracker w/ 1 Tbls smuckers natural peanut butter, 1 small apple (This is my first time tying this peanut butter and the natural kind the oils seperate so you have to stir it alot... wow bonus workout just stiring the peanut butter up lol... I broke a sweat) : 213 calories


Dinner: 1 1/2 Lean Ground Beef Cheese burgers w/ sauteed onion, sharp cheddar cheese, BBQ sauce, light mayo & lettuce..... 1/2 cup bushs baked beans : 652 calories


Snack: 1 square dark chocolate: 45 calories



Snack: Burrito made with whole wheat flatout wrap, 1 cup uncle bens sante fe rice, 2 tbls salsa, 1/4 cup shredded 2% cheddar cheese....... 1 mini snickers bar...... Diet mnt. Dew (lol, I laughed when I took this picture because it looks like the typical sit on the couch and munch while watching tv type of meal.... I was just kinda scanning through the cabinets at 11:30pm trying to find something to munch on and this came to mind, I pretty much knew it was going to be a bad choice with how much rice was in it and it threw me over my calories by a hundred or so... but its saturday so Im gonna alow myself a little splurg) : 452 calories


..........

Total calories for the day: 1892 calories

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BECKYCOLVIN 4/25/2010 4:16PM

    Hey, the funny thing is I recognize the Roku remote. We use ours for Netflix on demand--our son loves Kipper & Arnold. . .

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BARBARASDIET 4/25/2010 3:27PM

    Love the idea of taking photos of the food!

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PAMELALANDIS 4/25/2010 3:02PM

  WHAT A WONDERFUL STORY! God bless you for sharing and being so honest with and about yourself. It takes alot of maturity.May you and your family be blessed by the rest of your journey. Pam

emoticon emoticon

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ACHRISTIANGIRL 4/25/2010 2:42PM

    first time on your blog and I love it! what a great way to journal your food. fun idea. thanks so much for sharing with us.

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JESSSPARK 4/25/2010 2:39PM

    I love the CPK pizzas too!

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FLYSOHIGH 4/25/2010 2:36PM

    I must say I always find it amazing people can keep pb or packs of mini bars at home. I envy you. I have it so bad, I can't even keep wasa bread or any bread for that matter at home, cause I'll eat it. I can only keep some fruit, vegetable and grains at home.
Anyways, it all looks delicious and healthy!

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NPA4LOSS 4/25/2010 2:27PM

    Fun to see all the pictures and get ideas! emoticon

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ANELAKANOA 4/25/2010 2:25PM

  I love these picture blogs! The burrito sounds yummy!

Angie

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Photo Food Journal Friday 4-23-10

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Total Calories Eaten: 1710 calories

I was a bit munchie at the end of the day and ate alot of junk food type snacks but still stayed within calorie range. I hate when I get so snacky.... good thin is I dident binge though, which is really easy to fall into when your feeling that way.
........................

Breakfast: 1 Cup Yogurt burst cheerios, 1/2 cup 1% milk, 1/2 banana : 278 calories


Lunch: 2 slices leftover broccoli tomato quiche, 1/2 tbls ketchup, 3/4 cup broccoli, 1/4 cup ragu cheese sauce: 466 calories


Snack: coffee fudge brownie ice cream cone: 220 calories


Dinner: Macaroni & Cheese & hot dog casserole..... made with whole wheat rotini, ragu cheese sauce, light all beef hot dogs, panko bread crumbs, and rosemary..... 1/2 cup green beans, 1/2 cup lightly sauced broccoli, carrots and cauliflower mix...... 1/2 tbls ketchup. (Kids dinner night lol) : 491 Calories


Snack: fudge pop: calories 90


snack: low fat plain yogurt, splenda, 1/2 oz peanuts: calories 160


Snack: 1 square dark chocolate espresso truffle bar: 45 calories
(no pic)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

STEPHANON 4/25/2010 11:15AM

    I know what you mean about feeling snacky. Good for you in not binging! I love how others actually noticed the quiche - I had trouble noticing any of the food because my eyes automatically honed in on that ice cream cone. Yum!

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AUDREY_BREIER 4/24/2010 9:46PM

    I love this! I will add you as a friend so I can remember to check out your blog more often :) Your meals look very healthy and that quiche looks so good! I think I'll have to make one for dinner next week!

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JADENTEX 4/24/2010 9:26PM

    Just added you to my friends... We have the same dishes. We're Corningware Twinsies! LOL

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PURPLEWEAVE 4/24/2010 8:06PM

    It's so helpful to see what other people are eating, and I love the pictures! Thanks for sharing!

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JDYJMM2000 4/24/2010 6:24PM

  good way to keep track...food looks great.

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LOSINGJESS 4/24/2010 4:36PM

    the quiche is my own recipe.... I just take a ready to bake pie crust, add cooked frozen broccoli to the bottom of the crust and then wisk together 5 egg whites, 3 eggs, 1/2 cup 2% shredded cheddar and 1/2 cup tomato pesto and a splash of milk and pour it into the crust and bake at 350 for 30 minutes................... You can make lots of different varriations on it though, just mix different fillings with the same amount of eggs, cheese and milk.... good filling ingredients are bacon, ham, chicken, asparagus, spinach, broccoli, ect ect.... Then take the whole thing and devide the calories by 8 slices and you have your servings.

I love quiche! mmmm!

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LOSINGJESS 4/24/2010 4:31PM

    I think that is mainly because I am so obsessed with presentation... if my meals dont look good to me then I dont want to eat them lol... Meals dont really look right if they are unbalanced or done have alot of colors so most of the time my plates look pretty healthy :-) .... My husband jokes about how picky I am with my meals, expecially when we go out to eat. I get really upset if my meal looks bad at a resturant.... My view on eating out is if I can go home and make something that tastes and looks better than what the resturaunt gives me then I am not happy.

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MALEXANDER4 4/24/2010 4:29PM

    I love the broccoli quiche....is it a spark recipe? love the food journal

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JESSSPARK 4/24/2010 4:22PM

    I'm impressed with how balanced your meals look! Keep it up!


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Food Journal Thursday 5-22-10

Friday, April 23, 2010

yesterday I ate 1440 calories.... which is right on the lower end of my target calorie range. I dont think I ate very well yesterday though.

Here is the damage

........................................
................

Breakfast: 1 egg + 2 egg whites scrambled with 1/2 diced potato, 2 mushrooms, 1/2 a small diced onion and then topped with 2 tbls salsa...... 1 slice double fiber bread w/ 1 tbls strawberry preservse & spray butter..... 2 slices turkey bacon : 357 calories


Lunch: 1/2 turkey sandwich thin with mustard and lettuce... sliced cucumbers with light sweet onion dressing ..... 1/2 can progresso clam chowder : 360 calories


snack: ice cream cone : 220 calories


snack: 1/2 serving wheat thins: 70


snack: diet mnt. dew: 0 calories


Dinner: quiche w/ pie crust, broccoli, cheese, tomato pesto, 2% cheddar cheese, eggs and egg whites, milk............. steam fresh asian vegetable mix


snack: 1 square of dark chocolate espresso truffle bar from target: 45 calories
- no pic-

I dident over eat but I dont think I ate very healthy with my snacks.... I just really felt bad yesterday and dident care much. It was a victory as far as not over eating though.

~ Jess

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MALEXANDER4 4/24/2010 4:35PM

    Shoot girl I wish I could eat snacks that bad, if you think that is bad. I think you did awesome. Keep up the great work.

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MORETHANWEIGHT 4/23/2010 10:41PM

    you are always so creative
love the pictures
you say you were at the low end of your calorie range so I don't think you did bad at all
emoticon

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BIZENMO 4/23/2010 8:36PM

    Ya know, sometimes you just have to give in to the cravings you have, get them out of your system and keep on a-steppin! Looks to me like you are doing ok. But, did you get all your fruits/veggies in? Keep up the good work!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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STEPHANON 4/23/2010 10:28AM

    Looks pretty good to me!

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NIKLOW 4/23/2010 9:42AM

    This looks like it was a good day for good. You're allowed to indulge in the good stuff, just in moderation. Which is exactly what you did. I wouldn't stress too much about it. Your meals looks really good, healthy and balanced! Keep up the great work!

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YESITSDEB 4/23/2010 9:42AM

    I love the food diary with pics - very cool. Fruit????? emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DELILAS 4/23/2010 9:42AM

    Looks great to me! You do an awesome job of getting in your veggies!

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MESSYJESSY22 4/23/2010 9:41AM

    This is such a great idea!! You did good yesterday! You still ate within you caloric range which is important! Just remember that today is a new day!

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Weigh in & Update

Friday, April 23, 2010

Well this morning is friday and the day I weigh in.... I got up and looked in the mirror and told myself...

"self, you have been feeling pretty good about yourself, you have been feeling like you have been looking thinnner and healthier the last few days and you have worked hard and rocked this week even though you have been sick! No matter what that scale says, its just a hunk of plastic and it dosent say who you are as a person. even if the number is up, You are going to feel just as good about yourself and you are going to continue to rock it week after week and eventually you will make it to your goal"

Ok... I dident say all that outloud but I said it to myself in my head and I was determined to mean it. I grabed a tissue and coughed a bunch... because I started taking musinex yesterday so all the crap that was making my lungs hurt yesterday is starting to make its way upwards. yuck. And then I made my way into the living room and turned on my wii fit.

I got up on it... messuring.... messuring... messuring.... all done! ............ balance is slightly offf........ OMG I lost 5.1 pound!!!!! This is really awesome because I had gained 4.4 pounds last week and I thought for sure that It was going to take me sevral weeks to work off what I had gained.

So ... This week: 191.1
Last week: 196.2
Week before: 191.8

I am just where I want to be again to be in the low 180s by summer! Yay!!! Im really happy.

Im not sure though if the 4.4 last week was water weight or really a gain from me over eating... or if I just really killed it this week and managed to drop 5 pounds. Im going to chalk it up to a little of both. I did really well this week with my eating... way better than I have done in months... which I account to the fact that I have been doing a photo food journal. I have not nibbled any between meals and have generaly made healthier choices on food and portion size because I knew that I was going to post these on my blog and I would be held accountable to my spark friends. It has worked really really well for me and I plan to continue to do it for a while.

In other news... I have been wanting to do a 5k for a while. I wanted to sign up for one last year around this time but couldent bring myself to drop the money... which I think was partly an excuse for being a little intemidated by the prospect of running a 5k. Hell I am still really intemidated. I can not run... I can maybe jog for about 30 seconds right now. I figured though that if I dident just do it and sign up that I would never do it... so yesterday afternoon I got online and dropped the 20 bucks to register for it and am now signed up to run my very first 5k on June 4th 2010. I figure I have 5 1/2 weeks untill the 5k though and maybe I can get myself jogging for at least 5 or 10 minutes at a time... then I will be able to at least jog most of it in bursts so I wont come in last, right behind the active senior citizens. lol. Im going to work really hard to do this though so I can be proud of myself.

I got out yesterday and jogged / walked for about 15 minutes... which was really good for me right at the moment considering Im sick. Unfortunatly my lunges really hurt for the rest of the night... I was unaware untill I took that musenex last night that they were full of thouse little green guys off the commercials. I also got in 20 minutes of exercise while the kids where watching tv yesterday... lunges and squats and jumping jacks and crunghes ect... things I could do in place so I was ashured I wouldent squash a toddler or preschooler.

I am very proud of this week... this has been the best week that I have had this year in my oppion and I think most of it was due to the fact I gained that 4.4 pounds last week. It was the kick in the butt I needed to get myself back in gear.

I plan on rocking this comming week.... hopefully more so then this past week because hopefully I will be over this cold or whatever it is. Gotta get ready for this 5k... I want to really do well.... maybe not first place well... but not last place well.

Thanks to everyone who pushed me this week to keep going... I love my spark friends for allways cheering me on and cheering me up. I dont think I could have made it as far as I have come without you. emoticon

~ Jess

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MALEXANDER4 4/24/2010 4:32PM

    Woohoo, awesome loss. i'm so proud of you.

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MOMMAKESS2008 4/23/2010 8:51AM

    GREAT job on the loss! It always feels good to get back on track. And congrats on signing up for your 5K! I'm still avoiding it, although I'm moving into week 4 of the Couch to 5K program. I guess sooner or later I'll need to make the same move...signing up for the first run! Keep us updated on how it goes for you!

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SCJOHNK 4/23/2010 8:35AM

    Whoot! GReat job. Keep it up. You can do anything you set your mind to.

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LIONHERD 4/23/2010 8:22AM

    Way to go!!! I'm soo proud of you!!! Keep up the good work!

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