Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Wow.... I Just was looking through the pictures of when lyra was first born, It was only this past november but I look at these pictures of myself and Im not even the same person. Its so weird because I dont feel any different .... I mean physically I feel great, I dont hurt anymore, I can get in and out of the bath tub with no problem, I can wash my entire back .... I can reach my left ass cheek with my right hand (there was so much back fat before I was having problems reaching the middle of my ass let alone the other side, tell me that wont cause some issues! ).
The biggest thing I think is my face, my cheeks were so full and I had the whole double chin thing going on and just look generally unhealthy. I dident realize it though. I realized I was fat and I realized I dident look good body wise but I never really noticed how big my face was, how bogged down I looked from being so overweight. It makes me sad to think of myself like that, it actually brings tears to my eyes to think of ever being that way again.
I have a long long way to go still but I can really say honestly I have come a long way so far even only losing 35 pounds. I feel better, I look better, I have cheek bones! Im excited to live the rest of my life and Im excited to see how I will look once I get to goal.
Is it weird that I am a bit affraid of what I will look like too? Dont get me wrong, I know I will look good, I know I will be happy with how I look but I cant help but have this small twing of fear inside of me. I dont know why but the closer I get to the 200 pound mark the more the fear grows. The fear of the unknown perhaps.... I have never been thin, I have never known what it feels like, I dont know what I will look like.... its all a surprise.
You know I looked at the pictures of lyra's first bath and my arms and hands looked so different then, alot more rounded.... My arms now are so much thinner... Its weird cause I look down and they dont feel like my arms or hands. I look in the mirror at myself sometimes and go "who is that?" Im starting not to even recognize myself! I think maybe thats what scares me.... its not really a fear more of a suspense, like I dont know whats going to happen next. I dont know what it is, I dont understand it, Im just trying to deal with it.
I wonder if anyone eles has ever felt like this.