Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Hello Week 9.
This week I bought new, bigger jeans. While my old ones still technically fit, the waistband fell right across my heparin bruises, which wasn't particularly pleasant. Seems the waistband may have also been making the bruises worse, as I no longer have the dark multi-cooler bruises, but just subtle brown ones. Guess we'll see if this is just a cycle.
Had a major scare on Saturday. I was cramping on and off most of the day and spotted a TINY bit of red after going to the bathroom. When it was there after a second bathroom trip, I panicked. Full on weeping, etc. It hasn't reappeared since. It truly was the smallest dot ever, and (TMI) I think it may have just been the result of toilet paper rub from so many frequent trips to the bathroom. Here's hoping.
Week nine is when my first baby died—only we didn't know until an ultrasound at week 11. Luckily, the next ultrasound is scheduled for this coming Tuesday, so just under a week away. Really hoping that this little bean is doing well.
Nausea comes and goes. Some days I am mostly fine, other days . . . not so much.
Injection tally: 85
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Today I reach the 8 week mark!
I'm afraid my exclamation is truly lacking, as I just received the news that another sparkfriend who was due on the same day is losing her baby. And it is hard to muster much enthusiasm after news like that.
This week has been hard. I think I've mentioned here before, but I have moments of just pure sadness some days when giving myself injections. I have an entire strip across my stomach that is splattered with various color bruises. In happy moments, I tease my husband that I'll not be able to take those bare belly pregnancy photos (not that I really had plans to anyway). In bad moments, these marks, these shots, these pills lead to a body memory of my previous pregnancies. There isn't really a mental component attached. I find myself feeling sad before having time to think about why.
I should note that I'm not walking around feeling negative all the time. At this point I know it is really all a waiting game. I have my next ultrasound appointment in two weeks and am just trying to trust the lack of negative signs (although I did not have negative indications with my first pregnancy—based on symptoms alone, all seemed fine).
Sorry if this post is simply depressing. I felt the day is important to note, but I truly hate when someone experiences loss.
Wednesday, July 09, 2014
Reached seven weeks! Things seem to still be going well. Nausea increased again yesterday to the point where I'm now feeling nausea most of the time (not just when needing to eat). In fact, feeling a surge now—when I just finished eating an apple.
As of this morning, I've had 53 shots during this pregnancy. My tummy is rather bruised from the heparin shots. I'm trying to get a new place each time, to allow myself to heal. Hubby is doing well with the two weekly shots he gives me (progesterone goes in my hip, so I'm unable to give those myself).
Ultrasound last Thursday looked good. I measured at exactly 6 weeks, 1 day (which according to numbers was right on). Heartbeat was strong at 120. Doc said he is "cautiously optimistic."
I'll be going back three weeks from yesterday. He usually waits 6 weeks, but said he adds these "mental health visits" for those of us with histories of loss so that we can get peace of mind that all is well.
I still have days when I am convinced I am about to miscarry. moments when cramps seem to linger far too long (trying to drink more water to stop any unnecessary cramping scares) or when the medicine/injection protocol just seems both overwhelming and like not enough. The doc reminded me that we have covered all our bases . . . and yet, there are never any sure things. There is only so much that we can do, and everything else is out of our control. It is tough realizing that I can do all the right things and still have a bad result . . . but I am hoping more each day—especially with the increase in nausea.
We are looking into potentially buying a home, and I am picturing this little one being with us.
Wednesday, July 02, 2014
I'm 6 weeks pregnant today. Nausea seems to be increasing, which I'm thankful for (that may sound strange, but I'm glad to have any sign that this pregnancy is on track). In many ways this pregnancy isn't real to me yet. I've been incredibly emotional. I reached the end of another heparin bottle yesterday and wanted to cry—not because the bottle was empty, but because all that is represented in these twice-daily injections. Wrapped up in it all is the fear that it won't be enough, that my body will still be a grave yet again.
Tomorrow is my first ultrasound, and I'm hopeful (and praying) that it will be my first ever fully positive ultrasound.
In other news, my clothes already seem to be getting too tight. Hoping this is more bloat than actual size shifting this early. My weight seems to be holding steady thus far.
Friday, June 20, 2014
I'm pregnant again! Got a BFP on Monday and immediately called the doc for bloodwork. Numbers jumped from 137 to 404 between Monday and Wednesday, so doc is pleased! I've added twice daily heparin shots to my daily protocol, so needles and I are becoming well-acquainted. I'm 4 weeks and some change, but already the nausea is creeping in—and not caring whether I just ate or not. I have my first ultrasound in just under two weeks. Really hoping that this is the baby we get to carry home. I'm feeling a bit optimistic. Hoping I can hold on to that, too!
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