LORILEEPAGE   58,027
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Whose Voice Do I Listen To?

Monday, October 14, 2013



This is something I found on Facebook today and it applies directly to how I was feeling harassed and confused in my head this morning.

And the fun thing is, I just found out I can select and add photos super easily from my photos on my iPhone without having to first upload them to my laptop.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KNYAGENYA 10/15/2013 8:15AM

    Sometimes it can be really hard to listen to the right voice when the wrong one is so loud.

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CHRISTASP 10/15/2013 4:44AM

    I would call that 'the ego's voice' but I understand perfectly! Good points!

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SPARKLERS30 10/14/2013 2:53PM

    Thanks for sharing! emoticon emoticon

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Reverting to my BPD

Sunday, October 13, 2013

I was lazy and grumpy this morning...too much food yesterday (effects mood) and I'm getting a sore tongue, I'm getting another awful canker sore. I think that's why I overate last night...fear of not getting to eat the things I enjoy while my tongue feels painful for the next week. Wow...pity party...poor me...what a baby that I have to suffer through a week of no crunchy, spicy, and acidic foods. This is what my diet usually consists of. I'm pitying myself that I'll have to live on yogurt, oatmeal, low acid fruits, and soft veggies (cooked, which I'm too lazy to do). I need to get over it and go with the flow.

Because of my laziness, I was still in my nightgown when my hubby peeked his head in from being outside and said," I'm going for a walk" He didn't add "do you want to join me?" I internalized that and after he went out the door, I called him names out loud and felt like hitting something to punish him (the reasoning of a woman with borderline personality disorder, which rarely surfaces in me these days.) I soon calmed down and decided to ask him when he came back if he'd meant that to be an invitation to walk, and I would have liked an invitation. (that decision to voice my thoughts and feelings is a technique I learned from DBT which was a class I took for a whole year to learn coping mechanisms and techniques to deal effectively with the Borderline Personality Disorder, known as BPD.) I had become efficient at using this technique automatically, but this reaction pops up at times when I am having low self-esteem. I see now that this is where I was at since I woke up this morning and yesterday which is when I ate to stuff emotions, which can be part of my BPD.

I can get on top of this and resolve my current issues. A coping mechanism is to write about my feelings. Which I am doing. And to share them, which helps with blogging in place of making a paper journal entry. I will probably also write in my journal today.

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My mood did change for the better while typing, during which hubby came back. I pleasantly asked him how long he walked and if his statement of going on a walk was meant as an invitation. I stopped short of telling him how it made me feel, because I had decided that I didn't really think walking with him in my present mood would have made for a very encouraging walk for him. Sometimes when I'm sad or depressed a walk with him helps lighten my mood, but I can tell that this time I would be lashing out and being critical, which would have brought a lecture from him. Maybe. Never can tell. He usually is so insightful and helpful. He knows me so well and knows how to handle my BPD acting out.

His comments about his half hour walk were that it was very humid and misting out. (I'm doubly glad I didn't go... this weather makes me irritable and cranky if I'm out in it.)

I need to make a plan for my day. Be more decisive. I think I'm on the right track, so I need to get off the computer. Deciding to spend a little time Sparking was the perfect move. Thank you all for being my sounding board!

Love you! emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LIFEISPURRFECT 10/13/2013 7:41PM

    Great step in recognizing your feelings. I, too, find just writing my emotions down on paper helps my depression so much. emoticon emoticon

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KNYAGENYA 10/13/2013 5:52PM

    BPD can be a pain to deal with but you are making wonderful progress. The fact that you have more good days than bad is proof of this. Keep up the good work.

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KELLIEBEAN 10/13/2013 2:36PM

    You've made a lot of progress recognizing your emotions and giving them a voice, talking to your husband, writing, blogging. You know stuffing emotions gets us in trouble so today is a win!

I'm with Christa... punch something! It's GREAT therapy. emoticon

I took a kickboxing class during a dark time in my life and it felt SO incredible to hit things.

I love seeing how you keep bouncing back!

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LARISSA238 10/13/2013 2:11PM

    I have BPD too, but I'm growing out of it. I have some days when it is bad (like last night.. must be something in the air) but most of the time I don't even notice it. I hope you feel better soon! I hate going BPD on people. *hugs*

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JULIAINLA 10/13/2013 1:31PM

    I relate to how you must felt when he didn't invite/ think of inviting you. I feel women like us need all the sweet , thoughtful gestures we can get to help us through our days. And when we don't get whatever it is we are longing for we feel abandoned , unacknowledged. It probably stems from our childhood of being unfairly treated in our families / maybe abused. So..It's tough navigating through each day of strong ups and downs of emotions. But the key phrase you used is I CAN DO IT. I think you can because you seem to take very good care of yourself...self POSITIVE mothering. We have to make the right choices for ourselves to straighten out the years of emotional neglect. From what I read from you, you doing a GREAT job. You should be very proud of yourself. If you haven't complimented yourself lately , please do. You deserve much praise! Also, you are not a baby for being upset you cant have certain foods..it's natural to want/enjoy certain tastes and flavors.-We're only human. :) emoticon

Comment edited on: 10/13/2013 1:32:04 PM

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CHRISTASP 10/13/2013 12:48PM

    What I want to know is what you did do for exercise today?! Hitting a pillow or a punchbag is a good workout! emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 10/13/2013 12:49:12 PM

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GIMPSTER 10/13/2013 11:00AM

    I too have been dealing with a lot of feelings I find unpleasant and annoying. For me, the first step is usually notice what is happening and accepting it, rather than pushing it away and pretending it doesn't exist. After accepting that while I don't want to feel a certain way, I in fact DO. Acceptance is sometimes a battle. Then I find I must deal with whatever is going on. As you have said sometimes the best thing for me is to just put it out there. Say it, give it a voice and then let it go.

I would say you are definitely on the right track. We all have feelings and events and things that sometimes become a maze we have to move through BUT we can deal with all these and NOT let them stop us from moving forward.

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Good for a Little Laugh

Saturday, October 12, 2013



I couldn't resist sharing this one!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NUTRON3 10/13/2013 6:45AM

    LOL I love it

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_JODI404 10/12/2013 11:26PM

    5'1 here! emoticon

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KELLIEBEAN 10/12/2013 6:15PM

    That is SO me!

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MSGO72 10/12/2013 4:45PM

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BEFIT014 10/12/2013 4:13PM

    "Too short for my weight" emoticon

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PEZMOM1 10/12/2013 2:28PM

    emoticon

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CHERYL_ANNE 10/12/2013 2:27PM

    emoticon

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CHRISTASP 10/12/2013 2:15PM

    Garfield said it too: 'I am not overweight! I'm undertall!'

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KNYAGENYA 10/12/2013 2:08PM

    I knew there was a reason!

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-LORI-B 10/12/2013 2:06PM

    Me too!

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Music Quickened My Pace

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Took a good walk yesterday. I usually walk around 18-20 minute miles. Short-leg-syndrome. Ha! But I had decided to put on music, which I hadn’t been doing since early in the summer. I stumbled on the walking mix by SparkPeople. I decided yes, I needed some quick pace-setting music. So I took off. My “Map My Workout” App said I actually did a 15-minute mile the first mile! Wow—I was smokin’! I kept up the pace as best I could and the second mile was 15:30! Not bad. Then I hit a wall. I thought I must be out of shape to hit the wall so soon, because I know months ago when I used the CD I would get ¾ of the way through the track and then hit the wall. I was only half way this time. I didn’t get discouraged. I remember hearing someone else say that if you get over tired at a point in your workout, just ease up for a little while and then you may be able to pick up the pace again. I slowed down. The next mile was just about 16:30 minutes. Still not bad, but in slowing down I was sure I had backed down to 18 minutes. I ended with the last mile at 15 minutes per mile. So I was able to pick up the pace again. Whew, I really felt it, took a long while to cool down! I also feel it in my muscles this morning.

The average person might not think there’s a big difference between an 18-minute mile and a 15-minute mile. But when you are the one striving to increase your speed, it really is hard! But now I see the difference between walking with or without music, especially music with a strong quick beat. I’d heard people work out harder when listening to music. Now, I’m a believer!

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LARISSA238 10/13/2013 2:15PM

    The other day I was hypomanic and did a 16 minute mile. Then the last time I walked/jogged I was at 19 minutes. Better than the 21 that I used to do. I'm working on my speed as well. I want to do a 5k in February, but I need to be quicker by then so I don't finish the race last.

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_JODI404 10/12/2013 11:23PM

    emoticon Congrats on enjoying your music & walking at a faster pace!

It is not at all easy to pick up the pace like that. I like it when hubby walks with me, he is like a trainer, he walks a lot faster and that really pushes me to work hard to keep up. (These are walks for exercise. He wouldn't do that on a leisure walk!)

Hope you have a wonderful weekend!

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KELLIEBEAN 10/12/2013 6:19PM

    There is definitely a different in an 18 and a 15 minute mile! Great accomplishment! I'll have to check out the music mix.

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KNYAGENYA 10/12/2013 12:11PM

    Congrats! That is awesome. I need to listen to fast paced music when I run or else I slow down. I actually made a fast paced play list for my MP3 player. Keep up the good work.

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SUEPERWOMAN 10/12/2013 11:36AM

 
There is a HUMUNGOUS difference between an 18 minute mile and a 15 minute mile!
Your body sure will thank you for it. Yes, the right music can make all the difference!

Rock on until "your body is a wonderland" !!

Love, Ginger

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SUGARSMOM2 10/12/2013 10:22AM

  music makes the feet move better . you walk to the beat . picks up your sprits and make it fun . emoticon

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CHRISTASP 10/12/2013 9:10AM

    How nice! emoticon

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KANOE10 10/12/2013 8:50AM

    What a good discovery! Good for you getting exercise and walking faster!!

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Complements That Took Me by Surprise

Thursday, October 10, 2013

I had a very busy day yesterday, and on my trip to the grocery store I forgot about my resolve that I had just determined to have a couple of days ago. So on the 4th day of my binge free streak, I ate too many sweets. I thought I'd be able to have just a few bites of the dessert. But I sat and downed the whole thing. Then I was "what the heck" and finished off the last 10 blonde Oreos. I now have decided that those two desserts, if not all desserts, for a while, will be off limits.

Today I was in Walmart at lunch time. I hadn't eaten. I had resolved I wouldn't buy food. I had yummy healthy foods at home I planned on having for lunch. I didn't go into the food aisles, but of course they have candy at the register. My resolve paid off. Of course It helped that the whole reason I went into Walmart was that I had found money in my wallet this morning that I'd forgotten about. I used half of it at the craft store and used a 55% off coupon on one item, and came out with a new item to motivate me to get back to my art journaling. The other half of the money I'd decided I wanted to find a new workout DVD. I tried Academy Sports, and would you believe they didn't carry workout videos?! So on to Walmart. I found my DVD. Another Jillian one. I'll let you know how it is soon.

There was a bonus to all my shopping. I got some movement/steps done, in spite of the fact that I feel a little under the weather with a possible cold coming on. (Therefore I can't go spend the afternoon with my MIL; don't want to get her sick in her weakened state.) I could really stretch it a bit and say my shopping at Walmart was beneficial in that I faced a challenge (Food exposure while hungry) and came out with a confidence boosting success. Success builds on success, right?

Last week sometime, my SIL and I were talking and we were talking about how someone had lost 15 pounds without any effort. I said I wish I could lose 15 pounds like that. She ( who always a nice, healthy, trim figure on her) said "are you overweight? I've never heard anyone say you were overweight before." Instead of internalizing her complement, I said that I wasn't in the category of overweight, but that I am a bit higher than is appropriate for my height. I also said I realize my body is muscular and that can account for being heavier than I look. I see myself as a lot bigger than her, and side by side of her I am. I just am surprised she doesn't see me that way. Later in the day I started appreciating that I don't look overweight. Nice feeling.

A few days later, I was in Walmart. (Haha, sounds like my usual hangout. That's a fact of life that we have to eat, so we have to buy food.) I was offered samples of cookies. 4 kinds, and she said I can try all 4. Then I mentioned that the kind I tried is my favorite of the 4 and she picks up the box and said, here, take a few with you to eat while you shop! I said no and patted my stomach and said I am watching it. She looked at me and said "where? I don't see it!" I just looked at her with a wry grin and walked on to shop. As I walked away, I thought,"She doesn't see it because I hide it well the way I dress."

So in my mind, I'm adding the two comments and trying to come to terms with the idea that people don't look at me and say, "She needs to lose weight!" or "She has a big stomach" All the things I tell myself on the days I feel insecure around other women. Including women who are littler than I am. Which really surprises me.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

_JODI404 10/13/2013 10:40PM

    It is good to get an honest, unbiased perspective like that.

I think you are pretty hard on yourself. I know it's human nature, but too much comparison is the thief of joy. Just try to be your best, and you will be doing great!

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MISSUSRIVERRAT 10/12/2013 7:43AM

    That is good feedback. We don't see ourselves accurately. I agree about being more muscular.

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SUEPERWOMAN 10/11/2013 4:53PM

 
Yes, it sure is nice to know that people don't see you with the critical eye that you see yourself. That frees you up to make your weight loss ALL ABOUT YOU! You can do it,
I know you can.

as Tim Gunn would say, "make it work"

Love, Ginger


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LARISSA238 10/11/2013 11:41AM

    You look great in your pictures.. You really don't look overweight. Great job on resisting binge foods! You might have binged the other day, but today is a new day to start binge free!

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KANOE10 10/11/2013 9:22AM

    How nice to receive complements! Have a great day

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KELLIEBEAN 10/11/2013 9:08AM

    OH blonde oreos! I don't think I could have resisted those either.

What great compliments you received. If only we could see ourselves the way others see us. We are our own worst critics sometimes.

Congratulations on the progress you are making!

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CHRISTASP 10/11/2013 6:43AM

    Interesting thoughts. I know that after I lost weight it took me a long time to no longer feel I stil ha my old weight... I wonder what it takes to have our own idea about our size match the actual size?

Comment edited on: 10/11/2013 6:43:57 AM

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KNYAGENYA 10/11/2013 5:51AM

    Keep up the good work. Sometimes it's nice to see how others see us.

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CHERYL_ANNE 10/10/2013 7:50PM

    Little by little, you are changing both inside and out...! You will get there. :D

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JULIAINLA 10/10/2013 3:28PM

    Sounds very positive! Keep up the great progress and enjoy the compliments you received. emoticon

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