LORILEEPAGE   52,598
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Complements That Took Me by Surprise

Thursday, October 10, 2013

I had a very busy day yesterday, and on my trip to the grocery store I forgot about my resolve that I had just determined to have a couple of days ago. So on the 4th day of my binge free streak, I ate too many sweets. I thought I'd be able to have just a few bites of the dessert. But I sat and downed the whole thing. Then I was "what the heck" and finished off the last 10 blonde Oreos. I now have decided that those two desserts, if not all desserts, for a while, will be off limits.

Today I was in Walmart at lunch time. I hadn't eaten. I had resolved I wouldn't buy food. I had yummy healthy foods at home I planned on having for lunch. I didn't go into the food aisles, but of course they have candy at the register. My resolve paid off. Of course It helped that the whole reason I went into Walmart was that I had found money in my wallet this morning that I'd forgotten about. I used half of it at the craft store and used a 55% off coupon on one item, and came out with a new item to motivate me to get back to my art journaling. The other half of the money I'd decided I wanted to find a new workout DVD. I tried Academy Sports, and would you believe they didn't carry workout videos?! So on to Walmart. I found my DVD. Another Jillian one. I'll let you know how it is soon.

There was a bonus to all my shopping. I got some movement/steps done, in spite of the fact that I feel a little under the weather with a possible cold coming on. (Therefore I can't go spend the afternoon with my MIL; don't want to get her sick in her weakened state.) I could really stretch it a bit and say my shopping at Walmart was beneficial in that I faced a challenge (Food exposure while hungry) and came out with a confidence boosting success. Success builds on success, right?

Last week sometime, my SIL and I were talking and we were talking about how someone had lost 15 pounds without any effort. I said I wish I could lose 15 pounds like that. She ( who always a nice, healthy, trim figure on her) said "are you overweight? I've never heard anyone say you were overweight before." Instead of internalizing her complement, I said that I wasn't in the category of overweight, but that I am a bit higher than is appropriate for my height. I also said I realize my body is muscular and that can account for being heavier than I look. I see myself as a lot bigger than her, and side by side of her I am. I just am surprised she doesn't see me that way. Later in the day I started appreciating that I don't look overweight. Nice feeling.

A few days later, I was in Walmart. (Haha, sounds like my usual hangout. That's a fact of life that we have to eat, so we have to buy food.) I was offered samples of cookies. 4 kinds, and she said I can try all 4. Then I mentioned that the kind I tried is my favorite of the 4 and she picks up the box and said, here, take a few with you to eat while you shop! I said no and patted my stomach and said I am watching it. She looked at me and said "where? I don't see it!" I just looked at her with a wry grin and walked on to shop. As I walked away, I thought,"She doesn't see it because I hide it well the way I dress."

So in my mind, I'm adding the two comments and trying to come to terms with the idea that people don't look at me and say, "She needs to lose weight!" or "She has a big stomach" All the things I tell myself on the days I feel insecure around other women. Including women who are littler than I am. Which really surprises me.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

_JODI404 10/13/2013 10:40PM

    It is good to get an honest, unbiased perspective like that.

I think you are pretty hard on yourself. I know it's human nature, but too much comparison is the thief of joy. Just try to be your best, and you will be doing great!

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MISSUSRIVERRAT 10/12/2013 7:43AM

    That is good feedback. We don't see ourselves accurately. I agree about being more muscular.

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SUEPERWOMAN 10/11/2013 4:53PM

   
Yes, it sure is nice to know that people don't see you with the critical eye that you see yourself. That frees you up to make your weight loss ALL ABOUT YOU! You can do it,
I know you can.

as Tim Gunn would say, "make it work"

Love, Ginger


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LARISSA238 10/11/2013 11:41AM

    You look great in your pictures.. You really don't look overweight. Great job on resisting binge foods! You might have binged the other day, but today is a new day to start binge free!

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KANOE10 10/11/2013 9:22AM

    How nice to receive complements! Have a great day

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KELLIEBEAN 10/11/2013 9:08AM

    OH blonde oreos! I don't think I could have resisted those either.

What great compliments you received. If only we could see ourselves the way others see us. We are our own worst critics sometimes.

Congratulations on the progress you are making!

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CHRISTASP 10/11/2013 6:43AM

    Interesting thoughts. I know that after I lost weight it took me a long time to no longer feel I stil ha my old weight... I wonder what it takes to have our own idea about our size match the actual size?

Comment edited on: 10/11/2013 6:43:57 AM

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KNYAGENYA 10/11/2013 5:51AM

    Keep up the good work. Sometimes it's nice to see how others see us.

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CHERYL_ANNE 10/10/2013 7:50PM

    Little by little, you are changing both inside and out...! You will get there. :D

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JULIAINLA 10/10/2013 3:28PM

    Sounds very positive! Keep up the great progress and enjoy the compliments you received. emoticon

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Blogging is Valuable

Tuesday, October 08, 2013

Biking today felt really good with the 66-degree weather. The air felt cool and refreshing on my skin. I hadnít been on my bike for 3 weeks and Iím glad I had the urge to take it out. It was a hard workout. The little hills in my area make cruising for a relaxed ride impossible, so taking the bike out always means a good heart pumping time. Walking is the only exercise Iíve had these past weeks, and not very consistently. So it felt great to do something else.

Along with taking the new medicine (been on it for two days now) I made a commitment to myself that I would do my best to get back on target with my workouts and eating. This is to do what I can do to ensure that I will be able to maintain my weight. I will keep tracking everything, which will help me see where any problems lie if I start gaining. If the way Iím doing things is consistent with my maintenance efforts so far (which have been fine) and I end up with weight gain, I will take this issue up with my doctor. Iíve been with him almost 20 years, and he actually seems to care. I trust him and have decided to give this med a try.

Iíve made an effort to be generally on the move more this week. The past two days I have been well within my calorie range. Today is going well, too.

My mom and I had a really nice talk on the phone today. We talked for an hour. No tension and no strange comments that effected my emotions. It was a very satisfying time with her. I think she got back her confidence that I love her.


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I hope all of you who take time to comment on my blogs realize what an impact you are having on my life. I think most of us donít realize how our reaching out with our blogging can help us along as we grow into stronger people. And we should be aware that what we say is important. Even just offering a hug can aid us in persevering in this journey.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHRISTASP 10/9/2013 11:51AM

    Biking is wonderful! It's my 'go to' type of exercise as walking and dancing (I love both) are hard because of foot complaints. It's so nice to be out there and get fresh air.

I'm glad you feel you can work with your doctor. That's so important.

Also glad that you had a good talk with your mother. Though it baffles me some that you need to reassure her, if I understand correctly, that you love her. I'd think it's often the other way around!

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KNYAGENYA 10/9/2013 7:15AM

    I'm so happy to hear that things are going better for you.

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KANOE10 10/9/2013 7:06AM

    I am glad you had a positive talk with your mom. You sound happy and ready to keep maintaining no matter if there are side effects from the new medications, The bike ride sounds fun. The support at Spark is wonderful.

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MISSUSRIVERRAT 10/8/2013 10:48PM

    You are definitely back on a plan. I think it is great to work with your doctor and monitor all the results, then tweak things as needed.

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CHERYL_ANNE 10/8/2013 8:05PM

    I am delighted you are in a happier place my dear! You do what it is you gotta do and you will achieve your goals.

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CASTIRONLADY 10/8/2013 7:28PM

    Good job staying on track and blogging, better biking today and best job trusting your doctor. Thanks for blogging. You have a energetic life. emoticon

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TRAVELGRRL 10/8/2013 5:54PM

    emoticon Spark is a safe place. It's great to have one, don't you think?

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JULIAINLA 10/8/2013 5:43PM

    I'm glad to read you went biking. I think life can be tough...and the little things like biking , exercise, good /healthly eating/habits can make us feel better on a personal, deep level. It helps the positive thought mind-set stay. Keep it going...!

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KELLIEBEAN 10/8/2013 5:01PM

    I'm very glad you had a good day. I've been itching to get on my bicycle, it's been a few weeks. That air does feel good!

You have a good plan in place! I'm so glad you talked to your mom and it went well.

I agree on how valuable blogging is. It has really helped me get over some humps.

I hope you have a wonderful evening!

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Working on My Frame of Mind

Monday, October 07, 2013

A little sad today that we are not on our way to Hawaii as planned. We will reschedule for the beginning of November. This time without my MIL. Hubby told her that we will try to take her with us in the Spring if she feels up to it by then.

Since my MIL got home on Thursday, she hasn't made any noticeable progress, but her Speech Therapist is seeing her for the first time this afternoon. Over the phone I told the nurse who is also coming, to give suggestions on helping her figure out more foods to eat. Her appetite is so low, and she can't tolerate eating anything with texture. Her swallowing isn't working very well. So she has lost 6 pounds in a week. Her daughter who is staying with her didn't realize this and hasn't been pushing her to eat enough. So while I was with her today for 4 hours I made sure she ate something twice.

Saturday afternoon was rough on me. I'd had a note from my mom, and I reacted negatively emotionally to it and after having just eaten supper, I added three pieces of cold pizza and a third of a family size box of Oreos. I knew I was letting mom get to me. I just went with the feelings and ate. The next morning I woke up feeling irritable. Hubby took me for a walk, and I grumbled while walking. Usually my mood will change from the exercise, but it didn't. When we got home, he offered to drive us to the beach. Kind of a substitute trip to the Atlantic for having to cancel our trip to the Pacific. It was a 4.5 hour drive there, we walked for an hour, and drove back, 4.5 more hours. My mood was much better from the time we got on the road going there. Hubby is so intuitive...he knows me well.

Today has been a positive day.Though I haven't exercised...yet. But I have calories under control. It's date night and hubby will let me pick what I feel is a healthy choice for an eatery. Maybe we'll go walk a couple of miles at the mall after eating.

On Friday, when I bought the new medicine, I read on the pamphlet about side effects. MAY CAUSE WEIGHT GAIN. Ooooh Noooo! This surfaced all my deep-seated fears about gaining back the 75 pounds I lost. The 75 was gained due to a med similar to this one. I had constant hunger and lethargy, which led to, you got it, lack of exercise and increased calories. I researched things on Safari about this medicine. Many people talked about out of control hunger and lethargy. There was even a report about the way this medicine causes alterations to body chemistry resulting in slower metabolism. No wonder I gained those 75 pounds in two years. After looking into this, I called my Dr's office, left a message for him about how I felt and what I'd read. He responded with "That's why I weighed you at your appointment" he had. Also he said, "If we start seeing weight gain, though we probably won't, we will do something different." I'm hoping he's right that it probably won't effect me that way. I think if I get lethargic, like the reports by others mentioned, I will really have a hard time being motivated to exercise. I'm not even motivated right now, though that is probably due to the depression. My next weigh in by him will be in two months. Long enough to be too long, in my book. I will weigh myself. If I see a trend, especially if I'm doing well with eating and exercising, I am not going to wait two months to blow the whistle! Last night I took the first pill, and set my mind that I'd do my best to maintain, and not worry about losing weight at this point. I'm hopeful.

Thanks for all you do and say to encourage me. You all are priceless, in my book!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

XRSIZE18 10/8/2013 10:44AM

    I'm glad that your hubby is so supportive of you and seems to know exactly what to do to help you. You are loved.

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KANOE10 10/8/2013 8:59AM

    I hope you new medication helps you but that it does not cause weight gain. Hang in there. I know you will figure out how to deal with your mom. It is hard but take care of yourself.

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KNYAGENYA 10/8/2013 7:54AM

    I hope things improve for you. Try not to let others control how you feel. If you know you will react badly to a letter from mom put it away and read it when you are emotionally stronger. Do you have any hobbies you can use to keep your mind and hands busy? You can make it through this. You are stronger than you think.

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CHRISTASP 10/8/2013 4:57AM

    emoticon I'm sending you a sparkmail!

Comment edited on: 10/8/2013 4:57:31 AM

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_JODI404 10/7/2013 10:30PM

    Lori,

Thinking of you and sending a big hug. Will be back to comment further when time permits me.

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CHERYL_ANNE 10/7/2013 9:34PM

    emoticon to you and sending good thoughts and positive vibes your way!

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CASTIRONLADY 10/7/2013 8:16PM

    Sometime disappointments cause a whole chain reaction - but it is not automatic. At any point we can stop or slow the reactions down. Your doctor sound wise.
God bless.

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MISSUSRIVERRAT 10/7/2013 6:04PM

    I would make a chart and keep notes and a journal (meds, exercise, food, moods, weight, etc). I would feel 2 months is just too long in case something starts going downhill. I am doing this right now because of my new RX. Actually my new RX says people might lose a few pounds. But I still am so wary about any meds!
We know our body best.

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KELLIEBEAN 10/7/2013 6:01PM

    Good for you researching the med and calling your doc. You are an educated patient and will keep the doc on his/her toes to avoid you heading back down that slippery slope.

I can't imagine how difficult this is for you to deal with! One day at a time. We're all here for you!

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THOMASINA57 10/7/2013 5:20PM

    emoticon I can empathize, having gone through a major depressive episode years ago and the medication side effects etc.

The anxiety of possible weight gain is concerning and I'm with you, weigh yourself and see how it goes on a week to week basis.

You have been through a lot in the past weeks, and hopefully now your MIL is home, you can get some balance back into your life. I'm sorry your Mom set off such a negative response for you also.. BUT, your husband sounds like quite a gem!!! You are very fortunate to have such a supportive spouse.. hug him lots.. sounds like he deserves it.

Be kind to yourself and take care.. You are priceless too!!! emoticon



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JOHNMARTINMILES 10/7/2013 5:10PM

    We are told that the Lord will never burden us with more than we can handle but sometimes I think the Lord has too much faith in me! Face life one day at a time, that's how it comes at you and soon you will have this episode behind you.

Make Today the greatest Day of Your Life!

emoticon Until Tomorrow!


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Decompressing

Thursday, October 03, 2013

It's not ok that I am choosing food and alcohol to decompress. (I don't even drink unless depressed)

My MIL is home from the hospital, and I feel all the relief of that, but it's translating into "let me let everything go that I've been trying to hold together for the last few days."

Started the day with an appointment for myself at my psychiatrist. He agreed that I am having depression since the beginning of September, starting a week after ending my expensive medicine. Right when I went to my parents'. He said I probably felt better the beginning of this week while having to rise to the occasion of the emergency with my MIL. We decided it's time to try the alternate medicine. I'm worried I will have side effects, which are common in the beginning of taking a psych med. I don't want those. But it wouldn't do anyone any good for me to get into a suicidal cycle with my bipolar, now would it!

So I'm catching this early and hopefully I'll be doing well by the time we go to Hawaii. Looks like maybe we will go the beginning of November. Hubby and myself. We have yet to solidify plans.

MIL is doing really well. Still on soft foods. But forming most words with some slurring and little hesitation. Some drooling. Her daughter is staying with her. Thank you for all your well wishes and prayers.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUEPERWOMAN 10/4/2013 10:24PM

   
wishing you the very best, honey. Take care of yourself, so that you can take care of others.

Love, Ginger

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LARISSA238 10/4/2013 8:57PM

    *hugs* I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts!

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XRSIZE18 10/4/2013 12:43PM

    Sending you some warmth today! I hope you feel it. Your Spark community cares about you! Take care of yourself and do what's best for you.

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KANOE10 10/4/2013 8:44AM

    Glad to hear that your MIL is improving. I hope your new medication helps you.
Hawaii in Nov. sounds wonderful.

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CHRISTASP 10/4/2013 5:31AM

    Glad to hear your MIL is doing well. Compliments for moving through these tough times the way you do. I hope the trip to Hawaii will do you good.

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POPSY190 10/4/2013 3:11AM

    Good news about your MIL. Now you need to concentrate on what is best for you and your husband. emoticon

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TRAVELGRRL 10/3/2013 6:27PM

    Glad your MIL is doing well. Try the new med, and if it doesn't work, you may have to go back on the expensive one. What is more important than you feeling and doing well? Take care of yourself! emoticon

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PEZMOM1 10/3/2013 2:50PM

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KELLIEBEAN 10/3/2013 2:48PM

    I second and third the opinions already given. You have become so strong in the last few months. Just focus on this hour and then move forward to the next hour taking the best care of yourself that you know how!

You rose the occasion of your MIL's emergency, now rise to the occasion of taking care of yourself. I have faith in you.

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_JODI404 10/3/2013 2:09PM

    Lori,

So many things here.

I'm really glad that your MIL is out of the hospital and doing really well considering how much worse it all could have been. What divine intervention that you were tapped to call her that day!!

I am really sorry to hear that you are battling with depression. Knowing this is really important though so that you can treat it. Don't let fear stop you from moving forward and doing what is best for you so that you can live your best life possible. Hopefully you will have a good experience with the alternate medicine and it will work well for you since the other one is so expensive. I'm glad you went to the Doctor, especially now while you are in the midst of so much going on.

Try to make the best choices possible for yourself today. Don't look beyond today right now. Just look at today, and decide what is good for you and what is not good for you. Just do the best you can do in taking care of yourself. If you need rest, and if you can -- nap or sleep. Be with your husband, allow him to help you through this stressful time. There are many ways to decompress -- see if you can create a list of alternatives -- feel good things besides comfort food or alcohol.

I am continuing to keep you & your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Sending a hug & love,
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KNYAGENYA 10/3/2013 1:50PM

    Try not to worry about things that are not in your control. Your worrying will not change the outcome and will just get you upset.

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UMBILICAL 10/3/2013 1:47PM

  Stay strong

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Update. Trying Time

Wednesday, October 02, 2013

I'm very grateful to all of you for your kind loving words of encouragement and concern when I wrote the blog about my MIL's strokes. I'd love to respond to everyone personally. I am just exhausted and will take a little time here for an update.

My MIL is still in the hospital. I spent several hours there today. I only came home to let in the heating/cooling guy for our seasonal check-up. So I have a few minutes to sit while he does his thing.

My MIL's current stroke effects the speech center of her brain. She understands fine but has aphasia, which make it hard for her to choose the correct words sometimes and make her mouth say what she means. (Slurring) Her tongue is weak from the stroke and she'll have exercises for her tongue, as well as general speech therapy. She is very blessed that she will have no other disability from this stroke. The other strokes they saw on the scan turn out to be rather old strokes that apparently didn't cause any symptoms. When I left her today, her daughter was still with her waiting on the cardiologist and neurologist to get the scoop on what they think caused it. I really wanted to be there. I'm willing to ask questions when what they are saying isn't clear. But I also know that I can call the nurse later to find out what is in the chart from their visits.

This is all very tiring and I didn't sleep well the last two nights. I will write another blog about my mental state soon. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. But that's another story. More to deal with all at once.

Ate crappy today. Classical stress eating. I am being forgiving and understanding of myself. I just hope I don't have a repeat often during this time.

Oh, now the trip is cancelled. We will have to try to get seats on another plane in a month, just hubby and me. He tried to convince me to go on my own, but I really like doing this trip together. I know he has a good time and loves seeing my son and his family, but he HATES flying. He also said he doesn't want to leave his mom too soon so I said we can go in early November instead of next week. I'm sad I have to wait. But mom needs us for now. As our parents get older we have to be flexible.

Dad is doing well since his skin cancer removal on Monday. Lots going on and it's hard to concentrate on being healthy. Especially eating or skipping meals while at the hospital. I'm trying to plan and bring food. I'm getting some walks in the morning before leaving. Missed that today.

emoticon Prayers still appreciated...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KNYAGENYA 10/3/2013 11:59AM

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CHRISTASP 10/3/2013 8:06AM

    emoticon
Yes, tiring and trying times. I can imagine it's hard to concentrate on anything right now. I'm thinking good thoughts for you and hope you can just do the basics. Remember you've done extremely good jobs in the past. You can get through this now, too.

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_JODI404 10/2/2013 10:40PM

    You are dealing with SO much at once! Sending you prayers and hugs!

Take good care!

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TRAVELGRRL 10/2/2013 8:37PM

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CHERYL_ANNE 10/2/2013 7:46PM

    You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, with good wishes and vibes winging their way to all of you! Take care.

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POPSY190 10/2/2013 7:00PM

    Very hard to deal with situations like this that just come out of the blue. And however flexible you are there is still the regret and disappointment of special plans being disrupted.
But you do need to care for yourself in all this. No-one benefits if you become ill yourself. Good idea to take your own food to the hospital; and try to get in some "comfort exercise" - it doesn't have to be strenuous, at the very least it would give you some time for yourself.
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GOULDSGRANITE 10/2/2013 6:09PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
So sad to hear about all you are going through. My dad had that brokas aphasia sp?. I really feel for you at this time. Janey

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LARISSA238 10/2/2013 4:55PM

    I'm still keeping you and your family in my thoughts! I know you are having a rough time. *hugs* I hope your MIL recovers fast!

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KELLIEBEAN 10/2/2013 4:50PM

    Big hugs! I know you know you have to take care of yourself to be able to help others so be good to yourself.

We are all with you in spirit!

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THOMASINA57 10/2/2013 3:49PM

    emoticon try your best to look after yourself in these trying times! It's nice that you turn to your Spark friends for support as this is one awesome community!

I hope and pray all goes well and your MIL improves at a steady rate!

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BARCLE 10/2/2013 3:41PM

    emoticon Wishing speedy recoveries and comfort for all emoticon

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