Monday, October 14, 2013
This is something I found on Facebook today and it applies directly to how I was feeling harassed and confused in my head this morning.
And the fun thing is, I just found out I can select and add photos super easily from my photos on my iPhone without having to first upload them to my laptop.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
I was lazy and grumpy this morning...too much food yesterday (effects mood) and I'm getting a sore tongue, I'm getting another awful canker sore. I think that's why I overate last night...fear of not getting to eat the things I enjoy while my tongue feels painful for the next week. Wow...pity party...poor me...what a baby that I have to suffer through a week of no crunchy, spicy, and acidic foods. This is what my diet usually consists of. I'm pitying myself that I'll have to live on yogurt, oatmeal, low acid fruits, and soft veggies (cooked, which I'm too lazy to do). I need to get over it and go with the flow.
Because of my laziness, I was still in my nightgown when my hubby peeked his head in from being outside and said," I'm going for a walk" He didn't add "do you want to join me?" I internalized that and after he went out the door, I called him names out loud and felt like hitting something to punish him (the reasoning of a woman with borderline personality disorder, which rarely surfaces in me these days.) I soon calmed down and decided to ask him when he came back if he'd meant that to be an invitation to walk, and I would have liked an invitation. (that decision to voice my thoughts and feelings is a technique I learned from DBT which was a class I took for a whole year to learn coping mechanisms and techniques to deal effectively with the Borderline Personality Disorder, known as BPD.) I had become efficient at using this technique automatically, but this reaction pops up at times when I am having low self-esteem. I see now that this is where I was at since I woke up this morning and yesterday which is when I ate to stuff emotions, which can be part of my BPD.
I can get on top of this and resolve my current issues. A coping mechanism is to write about my feelings. Which I am doing. And to share them, which helps with blogging in place of making a paper journal entry. I will probably also write in my journal today.
My mood did change for the better while typing, during which hubby came back. I pleasantly asked him how long he walked and if his statement of going on a walk was meant as an invitation. I stopped short of telling him how it made me feel, because I had decided that I didn't really think walking with him in my present mood would have made for a very encouraging walk for him. Sometimes when I'm sad or depressed a walk with him helps lighten my mood, but I can tell that this time I would be lashing out and being critical, which would have brought a lecture from him. Maybe. Never can tell. He usually is so insightful and helpful. He knows me so well and knows how to handle my BPD acting out.
His comments about his half hour walk were that it was very humid and misting out. (I'm doubly glad I didn't go... this weather makes me irritable and cranky if I'm out in it.)
I need to make a plan for my day. Be more decisive. I think I'm on the right track, so I need to get off the computer. Deciding to spend a little time Sparking was the perfect move. Thank you all for being my sounding board!
Saturday, October 12, 2013
I couldn't resist sharing this one!
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Took a good walk yesterday. I usually walk around 18-20 minute miles. Short-leg-syndrome. Ha! But I had decided to put on music, which I hadn’t been doing since early in the summer. I stumbled on the walking mix by SparkPeople. I decided yes, I needed some quick pace-setting music. So I took off. My “Map My Workout” App said I actually did a 15-minute mile the first mile! Wow—I was smokin’! I kept up the pace as best I could and the second mile was 15:30! Not bad. Then I hit a wall. I thought I must be out of shape to hit the wall so soon, because I know months ago when I used the CD I would get ¾ of the way through the track and then hit the wall. I was only half way this time. I didn’t get discouraged. I remember hearing someone else say that if you get over tired at a point in your workout, just ease up for a little while and then you may be able to pick up the pace again. I slowed down. The next mile was just about 16:30 minutes. Still not bad, but in slowing down I was sure I had backed down to 18 minutes. I ended with the last mile at 15 minutes per mile. So I was able to pick up the pace again. Whew, I really felt it, took a long while to cool down! I also feel it in my muscles this morning.
The average person might not think there’s a big difference between an 18-minute mile and a 15-minute mile. But when you are the one striving to increase your speed, it really is hard! But now I see the difference between walking with or without music, especially music with a strong quick beat. I’d heard people work out harder when listening to music. Now, I’m a believer!
Thursday, October 10, 2013
I had a very busy day yesterday, and on my trip to the grocery store I forgot about my resolve that I had just determined to have a couple of days ago. So on the 4th day of my binge free streak, I ate too many sweets. I thought I'd be able to have just a few bites of the dessert. But I sat and downed the whole thing. Then I was "what the heck" and finished off the last 10 blonde Oreos. I now have decided that those two desserts, if not all desserts, for a while, will be off limits.
Today I was in Walmart at lunch time. I hadn't eaten. I had resolved I wouldn't buy food. I had yummy healthy foods at home I planned on having for lunch. I didn't go into the food aisles, but of course they have candy at the register. My resolve paid off. Of course It helped that the whole reason I went into Walmart was that I had found money in my wallet this morning that I'd forgotten about. I used half of it at the craft store and used a 55% off coupon on one item, and came out with a new item to motivate me to get back to my art journaling. The other half of the money I'd decided I wanted to find a new workout DVD. I tried Academy Sports, and would you believe they didn't carry workout videos?! So on to Walmart. I found my DVD. Another Jillian one. I'll let you know how it is soon.
There was a bonus to all my shopping. I got some movement/steps done, in spite of the fact that I feel a little under the weather with a possible cold coming on. (Therefore I can't go spend the afternoon with my MIL; don't want to get her sick in her weakened state.) I could really stretch it a bit and say my shopping at Walmart was beneficial in that I faced a challenge (Food exposure while hungry) and came out with a confidence boosting success. Success builds on success, right?
Last week sometime, my SIL and I were talking and we were talking about how someone had lost 15 pounds without any effort. I said I wish I could lose 15 pounds like that. She ( who always a nice, healthy, trim figure on her) said "are you overweight? I've never heard anyone say you were overweight before." Instead of internalizing her complement, I said that I wasn't in the category of overweight, but that I am a bit higher than is appropriate for my height. I also said I realize my body is muscular and that can account for being heavier than I look. I see myself as a lot bigger than her, and side by side of her I am. I just am surprised she doesn't see me that way. Later in the day I started appreciating that I don't look overweight. Nice feeling.
A few days later, I was in Walmart. (Haha, sounds like my usual hangout. That's a fact of life that we have to eat, so we have to buy food.) I was offered samples of cookies. 4 kinds, and she said I can try all 4. Then I mentioned that the kind I tried is my favorite of the 4 and she picks up the box and said, here, take a few with you to eat while you shop! I said no and patted my stomach and said I am watching it. She looked at me and said "where? I don't see it!" I just looked at her with a wry grin and walked on to shop. As I walked away, I thought,"She doesn't see it because I hide it well the way I dress."
So in my mind, I'm adding the two comments and trying to come to terms with the idea that people don't look at me and say, "She needs to lose weight!" or "She has a big stomach" All the things I tell myself on the days I feel insecure around other women. Including women who are littler than I am. Which really surprises me.
Get An Email Alert Each Time LORILEEPAGE Posts