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LORILEEPAGE's Recent Blog Entries


Thursday, October 03, 2013

It's not ok that I am choosing food and alcohol to decompress. (I don't even drink unless depressed)

My MIL is home from the hospital, and I feel all the relief of that, but it's translating into "let me let everything go that I've been trying to hold together for the last few days."

Started the day with an appointment for myself at my psychiatrist. He agreed that I am having depression since the beginning of September, starting a week after ending my expensive medicine. Right when I went to my parents'. He said I probably felt better the beginning of this week while having to rise to the occasion of the emergency with my MIL. We decided it's time to try the alternate medicine. I'm worried I will have side effects, which are common in the beginning of taking a psych med. I don't want those. But it wouldn't do anyone any good for me to get into a suicidal cycle with my bipolar, now would it!

So I'm catching this early and hopefully I'll be doing well by the time we go to Hawaii. Looks like maybe we will go the beginning of November. Hubby and myself. We have yet to solidify plans.

MIL is doing really well. Still on soft foods. But forming most words with some slurring and little hesitation. Some drooling. Her daughter is staying with her. Thank you for all your well wishes and prayers.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUEPERWOMAN 10/4/2013 10:24PM

wishing you the very best, honey. Take care of yourself, so that you can take care of others.

Love, Ginger

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LARISSA238 10/4/2013 8:57PM

    *hugs* I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts!

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XRSIZE18 10/4/2013 12:43PM

    Sending you some warmth today! I hope you feel it. Your Spark community cares about you! Take care of yourself and do what's best for you.

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KANOE10 10/4/2013 8:44AM

    Glad to hear that your MIL is improving. I hope your new medication helps you.
Hawaii in Nov. sounds wonderful.


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CHRISTASP 10/4/2013 5:31AM

    Glad to hear your MIL is doing well. Compliments for moving through these tough times the way you do. I hope the trip to Hawaii will do you good.

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POPSY190 10/4/2013 3:11AM

    Good news about your MIL. Now you need to concentrate on what is best for you and your husband. emoticon

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TRAVELGRRL 10/3/2013 6:27PM

    Glad your MIL is doing well. Try the new med, and if it doesn't work, you may have to go back on the expensive one. What is more important than you feeling and doing well? Take care of yourself! emoticon

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PEZMOM1 10/3/2013 2:50PM


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KELLIEBEAN 10/3/2013 2:48PM

    I second and third the opinions already given. You have become so strong in the last few months. Just focus on this hour and then move forward to the next hour taking the best care of yourself that you know how!

You rose the occasion of your MIL's emergency, now rise to the occasion of taking care of yourself. I have faith in you.


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_JODI404 10/3/2013 2:09PM


So many things here.

I'm really glad that your MIL is out of the hospital and doing really well considering how much worse it all could have been. What divine intervention that you were tapped to call her that day!!

I am really sorry to hear that you are battling with depression. Knowing this is really important though so that you can treat it. Don't let fear stop you from moving forward and doing what is best for you so that you can live your best life possible. Hopefully you will have a good experience with the alternate medicine and it will work well for you since the other one is so expensive. I'm glad you went to the Doctor, especially now while you are in the midst of so much going on.

Try to make the best choices possible for yourself today. Don't look beyond today right now. Just look at today, and decide what is good for you and what is not good for you. Just do the best you can do in taking care of yourself. If you need rest, and if you can -- nap or sleep. Be with your husband, allow him to help you through this stressful time. There are many ways to decompress -- see if you can create a list of alternatives -- feel good things besides comfort food or alcohol.

I am continuing to keep you & your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Sending a hug & love,
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KNYAGENYA 10/3/2013 1:50PM

    Try not to worry about things that are not in your control. Your worrying will not change the outcome and will just get you upset.

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UMBILICAL 10/3/2013 1:47PM

  Stay strong

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Update. Trying Time

Wednesday, October 02, 2013

I'm very grateful to all of you for your kind loving words of encouragement and concern when I wrote the blog about my MIL's strokes. I'd love to respond to everyone personally. I am just exhausted and will take a little time here for an update.

My MIL is still in the hospital. I spent several hours there today. I only came home to let in the heating/cooling guy for our seasonal check-up. So I have a few minutes to sit while he does his thing.

My MIL's current stroke effects the speech center of her brain. She understands fine but has aphasia, which make it hard for her to choose the correct words sometimes and make her mouth say what she means. (Slurring) Her tongue is weak from the stroke and she'll have exercises for her tongue, as well as general speech therapy. She is very blessed that she will have no other disability from this stroke. The other strokes they saw on the scan turn out to be rather old strokes that apparently didn't cause any symptoms. When I left her today, her daughter was still with her waiting on the cardiologist and neurologist to get the scoop on what they think caused it. I really wanted to be there. I'm willing to ask questions when what they are saying isn't clear. But I also know that I can call the nurse later to find out what is in the chart from their visits.

This is all very tiring and I didn't sleep well the last two nights. I will write another blog about my mental state soon. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. But that's another story. More to deal with all at once.

Ate crappy today. Classical stress eating. I am being forgiving and understanding of myself. I just hope I don't have a repeat often during this time.

Oh, now the trip is cancelled. We will have to try to get seats on another plane in a month, just hubby and me. He tried to convince me to go on my own, but I really like doing this trip together. I know he has a good time and loves seeing my son and his family, but he HATES flying. He also said he doesn't want to leave his mom too soon so I said we can go in early November instead of next week. I'm sad I have to wait. But mom needs us for now. As our parents get older we have to be flexible.

Dad is doing well since his skin cancer removal on Monday. Lots going on and it's hard to concentrate on being healthy. Especially eating or skipping meals while at the hospital. I'm trying to plan and bring food. I'm getting some walks in the morning before leaving. Missed that today.

emoticon Prayers still appreciated...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KNYAGENYA 10/3/2013 11:59AM


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CHRISTASP 10/3/2013 8:06AM

Yes, tiring and trying times. I can imagine it's hard to concentrate on anything right now. I'm thinking good thoughts for you and hope you can just do the basics. Remember you've done extremely good jobs in the past. You can get through this now, too.

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_JODI404 10/2/2013 10:40PM

    You are dealing with SO much at once! Sending you prayers and hugs!

Take good care!

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TRAVELGRRL 10/2/2013 8:37PM


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CHERYL_ANNE 10/2/2013 7:46PM

    You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, with good wishes and vibes winging their way to all of you! Take care.

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POPSY190 10/2/2013 7:00PM

    Very hard to deal with situations like this that just come out of the blue. And however flexible you are there is still the regret and disappointment of special plans being disrupted.
But you do need to care for yourself in all this. No-one benefits if you become ill yourself. Good idea to take your own food to the hospital; and try to get in some "comfort exercise" - it doesn't have to be strenuous, at the very least it would give you some time for yourself.

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GOULDSGRANITE 10/2/2013 6:09PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
So sad to hear about all you are going through. My dad had that brokas aphasia sp?. I really feel for you at this time. Janey

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LARISSA238 10/2/2013 4:55PM

    I'm still keeping you and your family in my thoughts! I know you are having a rough time. *hugs* I hope your MIL recovers fast!

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KELLIEBEAN 10/2/2013 4:50PM

    Big hugs! I know you know you have to take care of yourself to be able to help others so be good to yourself.

We are all with you in spirit!


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THOMASINA57 10/2/2013 3:49PM

    emoticon try your best to look after yourself in these trying times! It's nice that you turn to your Spark friends for support as this is one awesome community!

I hope and pray all goes well and your MIL improves at a steady rate!


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BARCLE 10/2/2013 3:41PM

    emoticon Wishing speedy recoveries and comfort for all emoticon

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Hubby's Mom had Strokes

Monday, September 30, 2013

I started a blog, but there was an emergency in my family, so by tonight when I got back to it, the computer deleted it. I hadn't started it on Word like I had been, so It was lost. I have to change what I was blogging about anyway.

My mother-in-law had a stroke! We were planning on taking her to Hawaii a week from today. She had noticed some drooling yesterday, never said anything. Then she woke up and saw that her lip was drooping. She still told no one. (she lives alone, a half hour away from me)This morning I tried to call her. Unusual for me to call her two days in a row, but I happened to think of her, I was going to talk to her about my concerns about the skin cancer surgery my dad was going through this morning. She didn't answer, but an hour later returned my call. When she tried to talk, all that came out were garbled words--I immediately recognized it as her having had a stroke. Adrenaline surged and I told her to unlock her door if she could, and I was going to hang up and call 911. I had to give them permission to break in if necessary. I met her at the hospital after calling my hubby and taking several deep breaths so I could drive safely.

Turns out the preliminary CT scan reveals several strokes. But the only one causing any symptoms is the one effecting speech and swallowing center of the brain. No other physical problems. She is in great spirits. She is impatient with herself for not being able to get her words out, but she has a great sense of humor and is laughing at herself. More tests tomorrow.

Hubby says we bought insurance for the trip, so we'll be able to change plans. He is so sure she'll be able to go soon. I'm more pessimistic and think he and I should just go ahead and go so I can meet Bjørn. He wants to believe she'll be fine in a week to go! I don't think he has a hold of reality. His sister came from out of town to be with her. There is another sister who can come help too. So it wouldn't be a problem if we went, and I even think she wouldn't want us to hold off on our plans. But it's hard for her to express herself and i don't want to put words in her mouth

Today when I prepared to leave the house to go to the ER, I grabbed something to drink and two protein bars that I figured would have to do for lunch, since it was 11:30 when I left the house. I didn't get to eat again until 6. Had a Quizno's sandwich with hubby and my pregnant daughter who also showed up to cheer up gramma. Came home and I was still hungry so I made a bowl of oatmeal, raisins and blueberries. And a cookie for good measure.

Keep Mom in your prayers. If you remember my friend George (95) who died recently, he died from complications from having swallowing problems and aspiration pneumonia that originated with strokes. Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KLMEIRING 10/2/2013 3:28PM

    Hi Lori. I just finished catching up on your most recent Blogs. Sorry that I have been out of touch while you have had so much going on. I will keep your MIL and the details of your travel plans in my prayers. Hopefully, you will know more soon.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LARISSA238 10/2/2013 3:00PM

    *hugs* I hope she recovers quickly.... Make sure she keeps up with her physical therapy. My stepdad had a stroke last year on Christmas eve, and he's doing better now. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts!

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JULIAINLA 10/1/2013 9:33PM

    My mom just had a stroke a month ago. I completely understand your panic. It was so scary since she had it on the phone while talking to her-slurred speech & hard for her to swallow. My relatives took her to the ER. MRI said one small stroke. The weeks to follow after effects were some leg pain (and TIREDNESS!) but that is better now although she gets sleepy often. What seemed to make a difference was that my moms medication is now always carefully taken and that she monitors her BP daily, It is very scary situation to go through -I'm glad you are doing ok,. Yes, remember to eat healthy and take care of yourself too. My thoughts are with you during this very concerned/unsure time. I hope your Mother in Law recovers soon... emoticon

Comment edited on: 10/1/2013 9:36:55 PM

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THOMASINA57 10/1/2013 11:27AM

    I'm so sorry to read about your MIL. I hope and pray all goes well for you and your family. Take care of you, the best you can!

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CHRISTASP 10/1/2013 10:01AM

    I'm thinking good thoughts for your MIL, and for you and your husband. We went through a similiar situation with my father in law. These events can have such a big impact.
Take good care of yourself.

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KANOE10 10/1/2013 9:04AM

    I am keeping your MIL and your dad in my prayers. Take care of yourself.


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KNYAGENYA 10/1/2013 7:11AM

    I'll light a candle for her when I go to church.

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POPSY190 10/1/2013 3:11AM

    You're probably best to go on without your MIL. Even when she recovers speech she will probably have to have some therapy. After just a TIA my husband wasn't allowed to drive for 6 weeks and I don't think they'd have been happy with him travelling. I hope you all get through this without too much turmoil.

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KELLIEBEAN 9/30/2013 11:47PM

    I'm so sorry! You really handled a scary situation. You are a great daughter-in-law!

I'm hoping you can still make your trip.

emoticon to all!

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CASTIRONLADY 9/30/2013 9:38PM

    Sounds like your family really pulled together. I am praying for you and hubby and MIL - it seem as if MIL has her head on straight stroke or not, with her good attitude. God bless. emoticon

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ANGGEL40 9/30/2013 8:55PM

    Sorry to here about your MIL, but glad she is ok..thank God you called her..I am sure that your Hubby will see that now is not the time for her to travel..maybe he can take her some where else when she is good and well..Keeping your family in my Prayers..God Bless! emoticon emoticon

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TRAVELGRRL 9/30/2013 8:47PM

    Thank God you were there! I think your husband isn't dealing with reality either. A stroke is a serious thing. Good luck...

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BERTAS_JOURNEY 9/30/2013 8:45PM

    Sorry to hear that MIL had a stroke but I'm glad to hear that she is in good spirits and able to smile.

Thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. emoticon to you for being such an awesome daughter in law. Mom is one lucky lady to have you on her side.

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LINDA! 9/30/2013 8:05PM

    Sending prayers. I hope that you can still go on your trip next week. Perhaps the sisters can help. But if hubby is going to worry a lot while gone, you may want to postpone the trip since it won't be enjoyable. emoticon

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Thanks for The Support!

Saturday, September 28, 2013

As you know I've been having a bit of an "off" week.

After 56 days being binge free, I had a binge day yesterday! I have been so restricted to eating only soft food because of my canker sore, that the restriction brought out old emotions in me (on top of all the junk I've been wrestling with anyway) and I gave in to eating more than I should have. It actually may have not been as bad as I imagine, since I didn't record the food I ate all day, but certainly I was in a binge mindset.

I feel better mentally today. I have decided I will not restrict today and try to eat normally. I won't shy away from everything, like I have been. Of course nuts, chips and spicy, acid foods don't even appeal to me. I don't want the pain! This sore has to heal soon. It's been almost a week. I was offered a medicine to make it resolve quicker, but it cost $50 and I decided time is a good inexpensive healer. OraGel actually gives temporary relief, even though it smarts to apply it! I don't wish a sore on the side of the tongue on anyone! I've even had achiness and the feeling I was fighting an infection!

The 4 and 2 year old grandchildren are here, they stayed overnight. It has been wonderful. They are so special! Nice that no one is having any cold or illness this weekend. That is unusual.

It's nice to have my mind clearer and the depressive type fog is lifted. Maybe with all my SparkFriends' support and having good talks with my MIL and Hubby (also getting advice from the sage 91 year old woman I take care of), who all remind me that my mother has to deal with her own emotions about my leaving, I see it's not up to me to make her secure.

Thanks again for all your support!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KELLIEBEAN 9/30/2013 9:28AM

    I hope you are doing well today. It is very difficult for me not to feel responsible for my family's emotions so I totally understand.

I hope you are having a great day today and that your mouth is feeling better!

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LARISSA238 9/29/2013 1:22PM

    I can relate to the canker sore.. I had a cold sore last week, and it's still not fully cleared. It doesn't help that I keep picking at it. *hugs* I hope yours goes away soon.

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KANOE10 9/29/2013 10:00AM

    Have you tried eating yogurt? I have heard that might help. Be kind to yourself. We all have unmotivated days. The best thing is that today is a new day and you continue on your healthy journey. You are right. You are not responsible for your mom's emotions. She will have to figure them out. I hope you are feeling better and have a wonderful day.


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TRAVELGRRL 9/29/2013 8:06AM

    I get canker sores too, aren't they the pits? The home remedy my mother and I use is ALUM. Find it in the spice aisle. It is very bitter, but helps to close up the sore. I also have a medication that my dentist gave me, and it works very fast. It is called dexamethason. I dab a bit on with a Qtip several times a day and the sore goes away. I don't know if this is the med your doctor recommended, but I get canker sores often and I've had this bottle for several years. So even if it was expensive, it lasts a long time!

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KNYAGENYA 9/29/2013 7:38AM

    I'm glad you are better. Today is a new day with bigger and better opportunities. You can do it...I have faith in you.

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CHRISTASP 9/29/2013 7:02AM

    Hang in there! It will get better.
56 days of binge free is great! You did very well!

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POPSY190 9/29/2013 12:44AM

    Glad to hear you feel a bit of an improvement.

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JULIAINLA 9/28/2013 3:40PM

    Very glad to hear your feeling a little better...! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SPARKLERS30 9/28/2013 11:12AM

    emoticon emoticon New day! Your doing great! GREAT awareness! emoticon

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Lesson Learned While in My Home Town

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

You all were so kind to welcome me back Home after my last blog.

I am struggling with a little bit of doubt and guilt that I didn't push through and be more tolerant of my parents this visit. I am also afraid to mentally make plans that I will return to visit them. I have to be more prepared for the emotional junk that can crop up while there.

You all have encouraged me that I did the right thing by coming home early, and all your words really help me. I read your words again to bolster my confidence.

I have felt out of sorts since returning, though I'm getting right back on track with eating and even got two good walks in this week already. The first one was motivated by hubby who wanted to take a walk on Sunday morning. I was really thankful to him for that. When in Wisconsin, my aunt told me about how she gets out for a walk every day, for at least 30 minutes. She is nice and trim, and eats the foods she likes in moderation. We had fun foods the day I spent with them. They didn't have fear of food. I enjoyed eating while with them. No talk of calories.

An interesting side effect my trip had on me, was that in being around my own people, family and neighbors and seeing people of my home town that were strangers to me, I noticed a sense of belonging. The people were not the magazine slim and trim people, yet they were happy. I felt like I fit in with my imperfect, 15 pounds heavier than I want, body. I feel less self conscious. That "culture" seemed less consumed with body size. I feel more confident and comfortable in my own skin.

Obviously, I'm not giving up my goals, but there is less of an impatience for seeing the changes. I feel kinder toward myself. I pray that I keep this mindset. I am enjoying it.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LARISSA238 9/29/2013 1:20PM

    I'm so happy that you are becoming more content with your body. You have to be that way to feel good at your goal weight, or else no weight loss is going to be enough. I'm glad you got something positive out of your trip! *hugs*

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_JODI404 9/27/2013 10:28AM

    emoticon Feeling kinder towards yourself, as you are, is definitely a really healthy objective to work towards!

You are worthy, and you have that super awesome list of affirmations and those really great quotes to read if you are feeling doubtful about it!

Hope you have a wonderful weekend ahead!

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KANOE10 9/25/2013 8:27AM

    being kind to yourself is so important. I am glad you felt accepted and are feeling positive about yourself. I know you will figure out your parents and future visits.


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CHRISTASP 9/25/2013 6:58AM

    That's great that you feel better in your skin.
I was wondering if maybe you could visit your parents but not stay in their home but in a hotel / motel or something. Wondering if that would give you more space to be yourself and avoid the problems.

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POPSY190 9/25/2013 5:00AM

    Ditch the guilt; it isn't warranted and will only make you miserable. Parents know which buttons to push which makes it hard but you must put yourself first. Good to have some positive realisations from the visit.

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KNYAGENYA 9/24/2013 6:59PM

    Taking care and loving yourself is the best thing you can do for you.

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CHERYL_ANNE 9/24/2013 6:11PM

    ... I feel kinder toward myself. ...

That right there is the best possible outcome and souvenir from your trip home! Nurture that inside you.

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PRESBESS 9/24/2013 2:29PM

    I can understand. I do hope you stay free to simply enjoy your life, food and all, while doing what you need to do to lose/maintain.

Keep pressing forward.

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SHERIO5 9/24/2013 1:16PM

    I feel I have to be on guard about comparisons, especially to tv and magazine bodies. They aren't real, not really..I've read about airbrushing and soft lenses, not to mention that this is their full time job, looking perfect!

I'd rather feel comfortable in my own body, free to move easily, have good health, and enjoy the foods around me in moderation, if I choose. Most of all, I want to be really present in all I do, with the people around me. It sounds like that is part of what you are longing to have, and have tasted?! emoticon

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