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Lesson Learned While in My Home Town

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

You all were so kind to welcome me back Home after my last blog.

I am struggling with a little bit of doubt and guilt that I didn't push through and be more tolerant of my parents this visit. I am also afraid to mentally make plans that I will return to visit them. I have to be more prepared for the emotional junk that can crop up while there.

You all have encouraged me that I did the right thing by coming home early, and all your words really help me. I read your words again to bolster my confidence.

I have felt out of sorts since returning, though I'm getting right back on track with eating and even got two good walks in this week already. The first one was motivated by hubby who wanted to take a walk on Sunday morning. I was really thankful to him for that. When in Wisconsin, my aunt told me about how she gets out for a walk every day, for at least 30 minutes. She is nice and trim, and eats the foods she likes in moderation. We had fun foods the day I spent with them. They didn't have fear of food. I enjoyed eating while with them. No talk of calories.

An interesting side effect my trip had on me, was that in being around my own people, family and neighbors and seeing people of my home town that were strangers to me, I noticed a sense of belonging. The people were not the magazine slim and trim people, yet they were happy. I felt like I fit in with my imperfect, 15 pounds heavier than I want, body. I feel less self conscious. That "culture" seemed less consumed with body size. I feel more confident and comfortable in my own skin.

Obviously, I'm not giving up my goals, but there is less of an impatience for seeing the changes. I feel kinder toward myself. I pray that I keep this mindset. I am enjoying it.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LARISSA238 9/29/2013 1:20PM

    I'm so happy that you are becoming more content with your body. You have to be that way to feel good at your goal weight, or else no weight loss is going to be enough. I'm glad you got something positive out of your trip! *hugs*

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_JODI404 9/27/2013 10:28AM

    emoticon Feeling kinder towards yourself, as you are, is definitely a really healthy objective to work towards!

You are worthy, and you have that super awesome list of affirmations and those really great quotes to read if you are feeling doubtful about it!

Hope you have a wonderful weekend ahead!

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KANOE10 9/25/2013 8:27AM

    being kind to yourself is so important. I am glad you felt accepted and are feeling positive about yourself. I know you will figure out your parents and future visits.

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CHRISTASP 9/25/2013 6:58AM

    That's great that you feel better in your skin.
I was wondering if maybe you could visit your parents but not stay in their home but in a hotel / motel or something. Wondering if that would give you more space to be yourself and avoid the problems.

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POPSY190 9/25/2013 5:00AM

    Ditch the guilt; it isn't warranted and will only make you miserable. Parents know which buttons to push which makes it hard but you must put yourself first. Good to have some positive realisations from the visit.

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KNYAGENYA 9/24/2013 6:59PM

    Taking care and loving yourself is the best thing you can do for you.

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CHERYL_ANNE 9/24/2013 6:11PM

    ... I feel kinder toward myself. ...

That right there is the best possible outcome and souvenir from your trip home! Nurture that inside you.

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PRESBESS 9/24/2013 2:29PM

    I can understand. I do hope you stay free to simply enjoy your life, food and all, while doing what you need to do to lose/maintain.

Keep pressing forward.
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SHERIO5 9/24/2013 1:16PM

    I feel I have to be on guard about comparisons, especially to tv and magazine bodies. They aren't real, not really..I've read about airbrushing and soft lenses, not to mention that this is their full time job, looking perfect!

I'd rather feel comfortable in my own body, free to move easily, have good health, and enjoy the foods around me in moderation, if I choose. Most of all, I want to be really present in all I do, with the people around me. It sounds like that is part of what you are longing to have, and have tasted?! emoticon

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Back to My Happy Home

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Happy to be home, and into a nurturing environment. It may be a while before I feel ready to make the trip to see my parents again. I am hoping my brothers' families will be able to check in on them often.

I didn't do as well as I hoped to with regard to eating and exercise while away. I had high expectations, which went out the window (thought there weren't actually binges happening) when faced with resurfacing feelings from my childhood. These are things I thought I had been able to recover from in these last several years. Granted I may have been in a weaker emotional state while there (having gone off that mood stabilizer just previous to the trip.) I feel fine now, so I see it as an emotional blip. I no longer feel depressed.

I also am picking up with reinstating my eating and exercise routine. I have not stepped on the scale, though my clothes are fitting the same and I look the same. Always after a vacation, I wait a good part of a week before stepping on a scale. There are things that upset weight balance while traveling, such as water weight gain, and maybe an actual pound gained, but it levels off after a few days of normal routine.

I have a little over two weeks before I have to pack up for my trip to Hawaii to see my son and his family. The especially wonderful thing about this trip is that we'll get to meet our latest grandson, Bjørn. He will be 4 months old by then. Big sister is 2 1/2. Can't wait to get on the floor and play. I can't wait to swim in the ocean and take walks.

Most difficult part of the upcoming trip is that we are taking my MIL, who is almost 85. She gets around well, but I think it will be strange sharing a room with my hubby's mom. I've never done that. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I need to relax and enjoy the next two weeks of routine living.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANGGEL40 9/22/2013 8:12PM

    Glad you are home as well..Have a good week my friend!

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KNYAGENYA 9/22/2013 5:22PM

    I'm glad that you are home and things are looking better.

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SHERIO5 9/22/2013 3:17PM

    Glad you are home and settling back in! Glad too, that your mood is restored. Sounds like you have a lit to look forward to with your upcoming trip!

Keep up your good work, with your clothes fitting well I suspect you did better than you think!



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MISSUSRIVERRAT 9/22/2013 10:07AM

    You sound like you have recovered totally. Wise move to get home asap!

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LARISSA238 9/21/2013 8:47PM

    I'm glad you are back safe and have another great trip to look forward to. *hugs* It's a good idea to wait a bit after vacation to weigh in. You are totally right about that, it's something I need to do as well.

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POPSY190 9/21/2013 7:35PM

    Good you are safely home and have the enjoyable trip to look forward to!

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MJREIMERS 9/21/2013 5:50PM

    emoticon home. You have just enough time to get back into your healthy routine before going to Hawaii. The trip to see your son will be "easier" since it's in beautiful Hawaii. It will be easier to exercise when the weather is nice. You'll be able to get lots of walking and swimming in!

I'm so happy for you. I loved Hawaii and I bet it's even better when you have two little cuties waiting for you! emoticon

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KIMBERLY_Y 9/21/2013 5:36PM

    Welcome home!! Good to see that you have your old self back!

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JULIAINLA 9/21/2013 4:53PM

    Glad to read you are home. emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 9/21/2013 4:54:15 PM

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SCOTMAMA 9/21/2013 4:32PM

    It's hard to be around one's parents and not revert to childhood emotions and behavior (and I am not referring to temper tantrums). But it's nice you got to go and visit with them, I wish so often that mine were still alive.

And no matter where you've been, even on a vacation -- it's wonderful to be back home!

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ANNEMAC5 9/21/2013 3:48PM

    Glad you are back home hope you get over your cold quickly. Positive thoughts for your next trip it will be so different, how lovely to be able to hold your new grand son. I know I could not bear to be with my MIL even for 1 full day.

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_JODI404 9/21/2013 3:26PM

    Glad you made it back safely and are ready to jump back into your healthy routines! Hope your cold goes away quickly! REST is the best thing you can do -- as much sleep as you can get!

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EVIE4NOW 9/21/2013 3:04PM

  I can come instead of your MIL lol..

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I'm Out of Here. . .Things are Toxic

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

I haven't been blogging the past couple of days. I have been shutting down emotionally. I want to blame it on a number of factors. Being with my aging parents is truly difficult for me. I am at a loss as to how to handle it. In the 5 months since I was last here, I've seen some gradual changes.

Another thing that is going on with me is that I'm feeling depressed. Partly due to my parents' house. It doesn't have enough windows and it is surrounded by trees, so it isn't very bright inside. The walls are all dark...it is a log home with natural wood logs on the interior walls. Very poor lighting so it's hard to read, knit or work on my art. Boredom and depression are leading me to old habits of eating. This depresses me further because I feel I'm backtracking on my progress back home.

An issue that I'm not sure of the validity of, is I have recently eliminated one of the mood-stabilizers I was on. It's probably a combination of things.

I did have a wonderful day with my favorite Aunt and Uncle yesterday. They picked me up and we spent the day talking, eating and driving to a Creamery (a must because I'm in Wisconsin and have to take cheese back to friends and family!)

While I was out yesterday, my dad told my mom about my plans to head back home and cut my trip short by 5 days. I was sure she would take it personally. We aren't that close. Never have been. When I got back from my day, Mom was standing over a dessert she slaved over while in pain, which is an old favorite for me and she wanted to offer it as something to soothe her guilt over not feeling like she'd given me any special attention since I arrived. Her way of showing love, which is typical. It is why I love sweets. They represent mom's love and I have to eat it to show her that I accept her love. This is all a new realization for me. Maybe not new, but it's the first time I've recognized it as it was happening since joining SP. She actually made a rhetorical remark while standing over the dessert,"I guess I haven't done anything for you since you've been here." I told them both when I arrived I don't expect them to wait on me, or entertain me. But to be honest, I did feel slighted when she didn't hardly acknowledge me or express gratitude that I made the trip. But she raves about my SIL and her kids all the time. When they showed up and made dinner for Mom, she became all energetic and gave lots of attention to them and acted like she was her younger self. So maybe I am jealous. Am I acting like a brat to leave and just get out of the situation? I feel like I am. But I also feel like this is toxic for me and I'm sabotaging all the progress I've made with healthy eating.

I'll have spent 8 days here in the end, so that is a good while. Dad noticed something was going on with me and suggested I change my flight. And hubby had to listen to me complain three times a day and said he was about to change my flight for me if I didn't hurry up and do it. No one wants to see me miserable, especially since I have a rocky mental health history.


Sorry for being such a downer today. But you all are my friends and I needed shoulders to cry on. Thanks for listening and being supportive. Love you all!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KIMBERLY_Y 9/21/2013 5:42PM

    Wow! That is an amazing realization you had regarding you and your mom with the sweets. I am so sorry that you felt slighted. I think you were feeling what anyone would feel if they saw their mom treating another nicer than their own daughter. Good for you to recognize the situation as toxic. I live three hours away from my mom and usually see her every two to three months. There is guilt but when I get there I know that I can't stay for long.

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SERENITEE29 9/21/2013 2:23PM

    Good for you for recognizing and then removing yourself from this situation. Our families of origin shape us, there is no doubt. It's not until we are away from that environment (and sometimes for a LONG time) that we realize this fact.

You are stronger than you think :)

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SUEPERWOMAN 9/21/2013 10:55AM

 
You're not being a downer, you are just sharing your truth, and that is NEVER a bad thing.

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MISSUSRIVERRAT 9/21/2013 6:06AM

    You seem to have a great awareness of yourself and the situation. Yes, it does sound like it is toxic for you and that you need to remove yourself from it because it cannot be changed.

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LINDA! 9/19/2013 6:37PM

    I also suffer from depression. If I were off of one of my meds, it would probably make any situation more difficult for me. For you sake, please return to your own home. I know how upset I often I am around family. I only have one person left in my immediate family, a brother. My inlaws are the ones that hit my hot button. I could not imagine having to stay with them for even one night. emoticon

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KANOE10 9/19/2013 8:23AM

    I am sorry for your pain. Families can be so hard. I would consider changing my tickets if possible. Maybe in the future limit your time or stay at a motel. Your drug change could also be affecting you. Be compassionate with yourself. You have just had a little detour and will soon find yourself on track again.

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_JODI404 9/18/2013 11:39PM

    I'm so sorry to hear that things went downhill and turned into a toxic situation!

I know you had so much anticipation and excitement about making this trip.
You have to take care of yourself and make the best decisions you can. If your Dad and your hubby were seeing the same thing... it helps validate the necessity of your change in plans.

The day at the creamery with your Aunt & Uncle sounds fun.

I hope you have safe travels back home and will feel comfort in returning to your husband and desirable healthy routines.

I'm glad that you can blog to work through these difficulties and you have great support here on Spark!

Hugs & love!

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ANGGEL40 9/18/2013 8:55PM

    Awww..so sorry that you and your Mom is having a hard time..I know that you have to do what's best for your health..but also remember she is your Mom and we only get one..cherish every moment whether it's good or bad..Please sit down and talk with her about how you feel..God Bless you and your parents..keeping you in my Prayers..thanks for sharing! emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 9/18/2013 8:56:55 PM

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HDHAWK 9/18/2013 6:17PM

    Taking care of anyone with an illness is extremely draining. You have to remember to take care of you too. Hugs!

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JULIAINLA 9/18/2013 4:57PM

    I am sorry for your pain. Family pain issues cut very deep. Yes I understand that a yummy sweet can temp. relieve our pain but then we have that guilt for eating it . . Seems like you need much more attention and validation from your mother/family...and aren't getting it. ,either point this out to her /them-(mention to your mom that the raving about your SIL hurts your feelings?) ...or if that's not possible then yes, leaving a place soon you find toxic sounds like a good idea. Its too bad that you (and I) find it tough to tell family what we need from them. I am working on it and getting a reputation for being pushy/selfish (lol).- but I dont care as much anymore. Im tired of being the person who gets overlooked/walked on. Anyway, I hope you might find my thoughts helpful. If not sorry. Either way please give yourself many hugs and positive affirmations. Make sure you get enough exercise-important to help fight /aid depression. Also look into some ways on internet you can get some light therapy...they say thats helpful to being in darker environments. Hang in there. You are a brave strong lovable person!

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KELLIEBEAN 9/18/2013 3:16PM

    I'm proud of you for recognizing many factors that play into how you feel.

Eight days with family can be a long time even when there are no mental health issues so I think you did wonderfully.

I am having similar issues today so I can totally relate to what you are saying. Thank you for sharing such difficult family issues!

You have to do what it takes to take care of yourself.

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SHERIO5 9/18/2013 3:06PM

    emoticon

No one else can take care of you, you have to do what is best for you.

Families can be so difficult, so much history, good and bad, but you have learned some things from this trip, right? Accepting that your mom is just who she is, not likely to change, might be easier in smaller doses?

Whatever you do, hold your head up, breathe and smile. You have many people who love you, just as you are! emoticon

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SHERIO5 9/18/2013 3:06PM

    emoticon

No one else can take care of you, you have to do what is best for you.

Families can be so difficult, so much history, good and bad, but you have learned some things from this trip, right? Accepting that your mom is just who she is, not likely to change, might be easier in smaller doses?

Whatever you do, hold your head up, breathe and smile. You have many people who love you, just as you are! emoticon

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SHERIO5 9/18/2013 3:06PM

    emoticon

No one else can take care of you, you have to do what is best for you.

Families can be so difficult, so much history, good and bad, but you have learned some things from this trip, right? Accepting that your mom is just who she is, not likely to change, might be easier in smaller doses?

Whatever you do, hold your head up, breathe and smile. You have many people who love you, just as you are! emoticon

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CHRISTASP 9/18/2013 2:21PM

    I hope it helped to write about it.
Sounds like you and your parents / mother have some more work to do with regard to communication. It may be best to do it per phone or letter rather than in their house where you don't feel you have your own place...

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CHERYL_ANNE 9/18/2013 1:56PM

    My dear, you know what works for you. I commend you for recognizing that ,despite the coping skills and mechanisms you have in place - you did what you needed to and changed your plans.

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ANNEMAC5 9/18/2013 1:27PM

    I can understand the need to get away you have managed a good bit of time.
Take care emoticon

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KNYAGENYA 9/18/2013 1:23PM

    You need to do what is best for you and your mental health. Toxic surroundings can do a lot of harm. Good luck. I'm an email away if you want to talk. emoticon

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PEZMOM1 9/18/2013 1:09PM

    emoticon

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SPARKLERS30 9/18/2013 1:07PM

    Thank you for sharing with such truth and honesty. I think you are learning your boundaries and I'm very proud of you! It isn't easy, but you turned the focus on what you can do yourself. GREAT JOB. Not easy. You played out my favorite prayer with grace. "God, Grant me the Serenity, To ACCEPT the things I can not change, COURAGE to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference" Thanks again for sharing. emoticon emoticon

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GODDREAMDIVA1 9/18/2013 12:58PM

    emoticon

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Pics of My Day!

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Whew! Yesterday was a big day! I was semi prepared for it, but there were a few twists and turns so by the end of the day the culmination of stressors had me mentally reaching for food. But good sense ruled and I went to bed a little over in calories, but not partaking in any binges.

This is what I saw out the window while Sparking before my big day began:



Started out by driving mom to the Quilt Show that she had to work at. It's part of the Fall Festival. They hold a raffle for 3 prizes. I hope I get the big fall colored quilt. These pics are of my mom and niece giving a demo. And a quilt Mom made and has designated as one she is going to give me. It's over 100 inches by 100 inches!







Having plenty of time before the parade, I went to my favorite bakery and had my favorite donuts and coffee. The baker has a nice norwegian accent. I love it. It's a norwegian, swedish, german town, where I was born. While I was standing on the parade route before it began, my SIL and nephew showed up. She talked the whole parade, making it hard to enjoy the action, but I managed to get photos for my grandchildren to see. First photo is of the chairs lined up for blocks, since early in the morning, holding places for people.











After the parade i went to collect mom and take her home. My SIL waited in town for me to get back. I had my lunch when I got there. My planned brat, though I ended up passing on the beer. SIL and three kids came back to the woods and made a healthy meal. But I really wanted peace and quiet. Not grateful, though I felt I should've been more interested in them. I just don't feel close to them, and the stress and anger had me tempted to binge. But thinking about not wanting to end my binge-free streak of 45 days, I opted to not eat more. Success!

I only pray that I don't have delayed reactions and want to blow off steam these following days causing me to reach for food. I hope to heaven that I will just remain peaceful and content.

Thank you for bearing with me on reading my long blog. I just needed to vent and share with all you, my true friends what my stressful day was like. I'd really looked forward to the day, but felt disappointed. I'm working on seeing the good in all of it. Getting lots of hugs from my very special daddy!

Love you all!













  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

_JODI404 9/18/2013 11:45PM

    Very proud of you for not binging!! emoticon

Very sorry that the stress started to happen though.

You did get great pictures, and the quilt is spectacular! Just beautiful!! My Mom was a quilter, and I absolutely treasure the quilts that she made me.



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SHERIO5 9/16/2013 10:41AM

    What a gorgeous area to visit! I would be taking some nice long walks and soak it up!

The quilts are so amazing! Your mom is quite talented!

I'm sorry you are feeling the stresses of family, it is challenging, we don't get to pick our families...try to focus on the Good things, the pleasure you are bringing your parents, how short this time will be...the progress you have made, the wisdom you have gained...you have so much to be proud of, lady!

Praying right now that you feel your heavenly Fathers love and comfort, and delight in you.
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SUEPERWOMAN 9/16/2013 9:54AM

 
Thanks for sharing your day, looks like a great one!

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PEZMOM1 9/15/2013 10:32PM

    emoticon where in Wisconsin are you visiting? I am from Wisconsin.

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SPARKLISE 9/15/2013 7:41PM

    emoticon emoticon

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ANGGEL40 9/15/2013 7:21PM

    Beautiful pictures...way to go on staying binge free..Success..Yay! Keep Sparking my friend! Love you too! emoticon

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LARISSA238 9/15/2013 5:37PM

    Beautiful pictures, and great job of staying binge-free! I hope the rest of your vacation goes just as well!

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KELLIEBEAN 9/15/2013 2:33PM

    What a fun day. I love parades. That is huge that you didn't binge after all that. You have come so far. Keep going. I know you've got this!




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MJREIMERS 9/15/2013 2:12PM

    Another reason we "get along" so well. I'm German/Swede and my husband is Finnish/Norwegian so our family is all around Scandinavian. Your town sounds lovely!

You have more will power than you give yourself credit for! If you didn't binge last night, then you know you can do it every time. Easy no, but you can do it! Think of all of us rooting for you!!

It looks like it was a fun day for all of you! The pictures are beautiful!

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KNYAGENYA 9/15/2013 12:35PM

    You can do it. Thanks for the pics of the parade.

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CHRISTASP 9/15/2013 12:22PM

    emoticon I hope you can continue to take good care of yourself. Dealing with relatives can be a challenge.
That quilt looks amazing.

Comment edited on: 9/15/2013 12:23:13 PM

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LATTELEE 9/15/2013 12:11PM

  Fun

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MYUTMOST4HIM 9/15/2013 12:03PM

    I also know someone who can't control their constant chatter - it wears me out!!!

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Mmmm Raspberries

Friday, September 13, 2013

Started out the day hungry and have been hungry all day. Maybe I burned extra calories trying to keep warm out on the porch last night.

Had to go to WalMart to get food today. I needed familiar food and things I knew I could snack on without breaking the calorie bank. It's a half hour ride from Mom and Dad's. I was hungry all the way there. When I got there I was tempted at 10:30 to stop in their Subway and get a sandwich. But decided to safeguard against buying the wrong kind of snacks (though a sub would have been ok) by picking up some raspberries. i've used this trick before and it works every time. Raspberries are a special treat to me. Having this huge container of really good looking raspberries in my cart enabled me to pass by several other treats, including my favorite candy bar in the check-out line. I ate almost all the berries on the way back to the house. it was a double size box. Yum. I did save a few for mom and dad.

I had a good balanced lunch and have had two healthy snacks this afternoon, and I'm still hungry. I will not wait till late to eat tonight like I did last night.

I was sitting outside with my mom. We were just out there talking. I felt something by my arm and brushed it away. I didn't realize until it stung me that it was a hornet! Stung me right between my fingers. That smarts! I iced it and soon it felt better. There are so many hornets out this time of year here. I don't see them in NC. I decided to come in the house for a while. Not much of a fan of those critters!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOULDSGRANITE 9/14/2013 4:21PM

    Love your Raspberry fix! So sorry about the sting. They hurt! Just a side note about your hunger; I look forward to that feeling every once in a while. It reminds me that for years, I never had a tummy growl. Now when I get a growl, it makes me happy. Good digestion AND a little less fat on my body. That being said, DH and I have very little fat reserve on our bodies now, and for the first time in a LONG time we experience true hunger. We often marvel at the new sensations from a really "empty" stomach. Enjoy every moment with your folks. emoticon

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LARISSA238 9/14/2013 2:00PM

    Good for you to have a strategy to pass by tempting foods! Raspberries are awesome, but my favorite is blackberries. I should get some the next time I'm at the store. maybe it will help me limit what goodies I get. Thanks for the good idea!

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KANOE10 9/14/2013 10:01AM

    i love raspberries also. You are wise to find a healthy substitute and bypass the non healthy choices. Great job. I hope you are feeling better with the sting.

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KNYAGENYA 9/14/2013 8:46AM

    I love raspberries. I love having them with my yogurt. I hope you are enjoying your vacation. Beware of those flying bugs. I hope your finger is ok.

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POPSY190 9/14/2013 3:54AM

    I read today that they are also a fruit with one of the highest levels of anti-oxidants. I love that sharp, fresh flavour they have.

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KELLIEBEAN 9/13/2013 7:54PM

    HORNETS??! Eeeyikes!

I am a fan of raspberries. Sounds great!



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SPARKLISE 9/13/2013 7:00PM

    emoticon on getting raspberries for a treat. emoticon

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SHERIO5 9/13/2013 5:24PM

    I love raspberries too! Frozen with a squirt of whip cream is a tasty dessert!

Sorry about the sting, I'm really allergic, so I'm with you for getting inside!

Sounds like you are doing well, have fun!

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