Tuesday, September 24, 2013
You all were so kind to welcome me back Home after my last blog.
I am struggling with a little bit of doubt and guilt that I didn't push through and be more tolerant of my parents this visit. I am also afraid to mentally make plans that I will return to visit them. I have to be more prepared for the emotional junk that can crop up while there.
You all have encouraged me that I did the right thing by coming home early, and all your words really help me. I read your words again to bolster my confidence.
I have felt out of sorts since returning, though I'm getting right back on track with eating and even got two good walks in this week already. The first one was motivated by hubby who wanted to take a walk on Sunday morning. I was really thankful to him for that. When in Wisconsin, my aunt told me about how she gets out for a walk every day, for at least 30 minutes. She is nice and trim, and eats the foods she likes in moderation. We had fun foods the day I spent with them. They didn't have fear of food. I enjoyed eating while with them. No talk of calories.
An interesting side effect my trip had on me, was that in being around my own people, family and neighbors and seeing people of my home town that were strangers to me, I noticed a sense of belonging. The people were not the magazine slim and trim people, yet they were happy. I felt like I fit in with my imperfect, 15 pounds heavier than I want, body. I feel less self conscious. That "culture" seemed less consumed with body size. I feel more confident and comfortable in my own skin.
Obviously, I'm not giving up my goals, but there is less of an impatience for seeing the changes. I feel kinder toward myself. I pray that I keep this mindset. I am enjoying it.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Happy to be home, and into a nurturing environment. It may be a while before I feel ready to make the trip to see my parents again. I am hoping my brothers' families will be able to check in on them often.
I didn't do as well as I hoped to with regard to eating and exercise while away. I had high expectations, which went out the window (thought there weren't actually binges happening) when faced with resurfacing feelings from my childhood. These are things I thought I had been able to recover from in these last several years. Granted I may have been in a weaker emotional state while there (having gone off that mood stabilizer just previous to the trip.) I feel fine now, so I see it as an emotional blip. I no longer feel depressed.
I also am picking up with reinstating my eating and exercise routine. I have not stepped on the scale, though my clothes are fitting the same and I look the same. Always after a vacation, I wait a good part of a week before stepping on a scale. There are things that upset weight balance while traveling, such as water weight gain, and maybe an actual pound gained, but it levels off after a few days of normal routine.
I have a little over two weeks before I have to pack up for my trip to Hawaii to see my son and his family. The especially wonderful thing about this trip is that we'll get to meet our latest grandson, Bjørn. He will be 4 months old by then. Big sister is 2 1/2. Can't wait to get on the floor and play. I can't wait to swim in the ocean and take walks.
Most difficult part of the upcoming trip is that we are taking my MIL, who is almost 85. She gets around well, but I think it will be strange sharing a room with my hubby's mom. I've never done that. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I need to relax and enjoy the next two weeks of routine living.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
I haven't been blogging the past couple of days. I have been shutting down emotionally. I want to blame it on a number of factors. Being with my aging parents is truly difficult for me. I am at a loss as to how to handle it. In the 5 months since I was last here, I've seen some gradual changes.
Another thing that is going on with me is that I'm feeling depressed. Partly due to my parents' house. It doesn't have enough windows and it is surrounded by trees, so it isn't very bright inside. The walls are all dark...it is a log home with natural wood logs on the interior walls. Very poor lighting so it's hard to read, knit or work on my art. Boredom and depression are leading me to old habits of eating. This depresses me further because I feel I'm backtracking on my progress back home.
An issue that I'm not sure of the validity of, is I have recently eliminated one of the mood-stabilizers I was on. It's probably a combination of things.
I did have a wonderful day with my favorite Aunt and Uncle yesterday. They picked me up and we spent the day talking, eating and driving to a Creamery (a must because I'm in Wisconsin and have to take cheese back to friends and family!)
While I was out yesterday, my dad told my mom about my plans to head back home and cut my trip short by 5 days. I was sure she would take it personally. We aren't that close. Never have been. When I got back from my day, Mom was standing over a dessert she slaved over while in pain, which is an old favorite for me and she wanted to offer it as something to soothe her guilt over not feeling like she'd given me any special attention since I arrived. Her way of showing love, which is typical. It is why I love sweets. They represent mom's love and I have to eat it to show her that I accept her love. This is all a new realization for me. Maybe not new, but it's the first time I've recognized it as it was happening since joining SP. She actually made a rhetorical remark while standing over the dessert,"I guess I haven't done anything for you since you've been here." I told them both when I arrived I don't expect them to wait on me, or entertain me. But to be honest, I did feel slighted when she didn't hardly acknowledge me or express gratitude that I made the trip. But she raves about my SIL and her kids all the time. When they showed up and made dinner for Mom, she became all energetic and gave lots of attention to them and acted like she was her younger self. So maybe I am jealous. Am I acting like a brat to leave and just get out of the situation? I feel like I am. But I also feel like this is toxic for me and I'm sabotaging all the progress I've made with healthy eating.
I'll have spent 8 days here in the end, so that is a good while. Dad noticed something was going on with me and suggested I change my flight. And hubby had to listen to me complain three times a day and said he was about to change my flight for me if I didn't hurry up and do it. No one wants to see me miserable, especially since I have a rocky mental health history.
Sorry for being such a downer today. But you all are my friends and I needed shoulders to cry on. Thanks for listening and being supportive. Love you all!
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Whew! Yesterday was a big day! I was semi prepared for it, but there were a few twists and turns so by the end of the day the culmination of stressors had me mentally reaching for food. But good sense ruled and I went to bed a little over in calories, but not partaking in any binges.
This is what I saw out the window while Sparking before my big day began:
Started out by driving mom to the Quilt Show that she had to work at. It's part of the Fall Festival. They hold a raffle for 3 prizes. I hope I get the big fall colored quilt. These pics are of my mom and niece giving a demo. And a quilt Mom made and has designated as one she is going to give me. It's over 100 inches by 100 inches!
Having plenty of time before the parade, I went to my favorite bakery and had my favorite donuts and coffee. The baker has a nice norwegian accent. I love it. It's a norwegian, swedish, german town, where I was born. While I was standing on the parade route before it began, my SIL and nephew showed up. She talked the whole parade, making it hard to enjoy the action, but I managed to get photos for my grandchildren to see. First photo is of the chairs lined up for blocks, since early in the morning, holding places for people.
After the parade i went to collect mom and take her home. My SIL waited in town for me to get back. I had my lunch when I got there. My planned brat, though I ended up passing on the beer. SIL and three kids came back to the woods and made a healthy meal. But I really wanted peace and quiet. Not grateful, though I felt I should've been more interested in them. I just don't feel close to them, and the stress and anger had me tempted to binge. But thinking about not wanting to end my binge-free streak of 45 days, I opted to not eat more. Success!
I only pray that I don't have delayed reactions and want to blow off steam these following days causing me to reach for food. I hope to heaven that I will just remain peaceful and content.
Thank you for bearing with me on reading my long blog. I just needed to vent and share with all you, my true friends what my stressful day was like. I'd really looked forward to the day, but felt disappointed. I'm working on seeing the good in all of it. Getting lots of hugs from my very special daddy!
Love you all!
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