Saturday, September 21, 2013
Happy to be home, and into a nurturing environment. It may be a while before I feel ready to make the trip to see my parents again. I am hoping my brothers' families will be able to check in on them often.
I didn't do as well as I hoped to with regard to eating and exercise while away. I had high expectations, which went out the window (thought there weren't actually binges happening) when faced with resurfacing feelings from my childhood. These are things I thought I had been able to recover from in these last several years. Granted I may have been in a weaker emotional state while there (having gone off that mood stabilizer just previous to the trip.) I feel fine now, so I see it as an emotional blip. I no longer feel depressed.
I also am picking up with reinstating my eating and exercise routine. I have not stepped on the scale, though my clothes are fitting the same and I look the same. Always after a vacation, I wait a good part of a week before stepping on a scale. There are things that upset weight balance while traveling, such as water weight gain, and maybe an actual pound gained, but it levels off after a few days of normal routine.
I have a little over two weeks before I have to pack up for my trip to Hawaii to see my son and his family. The especially wonderful thing about this trip is that we'll get to meet our latest grandson, Bjørn. He will be 4 months old by then. Big sister is 2 1/2. Can't wait to get on the floor and play. I can't wait to swim in the ocean and take walks.
Most difficult part of the upcoming trip is that we are taking my MIL, who is almost 85. She gets around well, but I think it will be strange sharing a room with my hubby's mom. I've never done that. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I need to relax and enjoy the next two weeks of routine living.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
I haven't been blogging the past couple of days. I have been shutting down emotionally. I want to blame it on a number of factors. Being with my aging parents is truly difficult for me. I am at a loss as to how to handle it. In the 5 months since I was last here, I've seen some gradual changes.
Another thing that is going on with me is that I'm feeling depressed. Partly due to my parents' house. It doesn't have enough windows and it is surrounded by trees, so it isn't very bright inside. The walls are all dark...it is a log home with natural wood logs on the interior walls. Very poor lighting so it's hard to read, knit or work on my art. Boredom and depression are leading me to old habits of eating. This depresses me further because I feel I'm backtracking on my progress back home.
An issue that I'm not sure of the validity of, is I have recently eliminated one of the mood-stabilizers I was on. It's probably a combination of things.
I did have a wonderful day with my favorite Aunt and Uncle yesterday. They picked me up and we spent the day talking, eating and driving to a Creamery (a must because I'm in Wisconsin and have to take cheese back to friends and family!)
While I was out yesterday, my dad told my mom about my plans to head back home and cut my trip short by 5 days. I was sure she would take it personally. We aren't that close. Never have been. When I got back from my day, Mom was standing over a dessert she slaved over while in pain, which is an old favorite for me and she wanted to offer it as something to soothe her guilt over not feeling like she'd given me any special attention since I arrived. Her way of showing love, which is typical. It is why I love sweets. They represent mom's love and I have to eat it to show her that I accept her love. This is all a new realization for me. Maybe not new, but it's the first time I've recognized it as it was happening since joining SP. She actually made a rhetorical remark while standing over the dessert,"I guess I haven't done anything for you since you've been here." I told them both when I arrived I don't expect them to wait on me, or entertain me. But to be honest, I did feel slighted when she didn't hardly acknowledge me or express gratitude that I made the trip. But she raves about my SIL and her kids all the time. When they showed up and made dinner for Mom, she became all energetic and gave lots of attention to them and acted like she was her younger self. So maybe I am jealous. Am I acting like a brat to leave and just get out of the situation? I feel like I am. But I also feel like this is toxic for me and I'm sabotaging all the progress I've made with healthy eating.
I'll have spent 8 days here in the end, so that is a good while. Dad noticed something was going on with me and suggested I change my flight. And hubby had to listen to me complain three times a day and said he was about to change my flight for me if I didn't hurry up and do it. No one wants to see me miserable, especially since I have a rocky mental health history.
Sorry for being such a downer today. But you all are my friends and I needed shoulders to cry on. Thanks for listening and being supportive. Love you all!
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Whew! Yesterday was a big day! I was semi prepared for it, but there were a few twists and turns so by the end of the day the culmination of stressors had me mentally reaching for food. But good sense ruled and I went to bed a little over in calories, but not partaking in any binges.
This is what I saw out the window while Sparking before my big day began:
Started out by driving mom to the Quilt Show that she had to work at. It's part of the Fall Festival. They hold a raffle for 3 prizes. I hope I get the big fall colored quilt. These pics are of my mom and niece giving a demo. And a quilt Mom made and has designated as one she is going to give me. It's over 100 inches by 100 inches!
Having plenty of time before the parade, I went to my favorite bakery and had my favorite donuts and coffee. The baker has a nice norwegian accent. I love it. It's a norwegian, swedish, german town, where I was born. While I was standing on the parade route before it began, my SIL and nephew showed up. She talked the whole parade, making it hard to enjoy the action, but I managed to get photos for my grandchildren to see. First photo is of the chairs lined up for blocks, since early in the morning, holding places for people.
After the parade i went to collect mom and take her home. My SIL waited in town for me to get back. I had my lunch when I got there. My planned brat, though I ended up passing on the beer. SIL and three kids came back to the woods and made a healthy meal. But I really wanted peace and quiet. Not grateful, though I felt I should've been more interested in them. I just don't feel close to them, and the stress and anger had me tempted to binge. But thinking about not wanting to end my binge-free streak of 45 days, I opted to not eat more. Success!
I only pray that I don't have delayed reactions and want to blow off steam these following days causing me to reach for food. I hope to heaven that I will just remain peaceful and content.
Thank you for bearing with me on reading my long blog. I just needed to vent and share with all you, my true friends what my stressful day was like. I'd really looked forward to the day, but felt disappointed. I'm working on seeing the good in all of it. Getting lots of hugs from my very special daddy!
Love you all!
Friday, September 13, 2013
I am waking up to a chilly start here in Wisconsin! At 6:30 i checked the temp outside...38 degrees! No heat in the three season porch where I slept last night. All windows! To top it off I slept with the ceiling fan on, to help with hot flashes. I had on a summer weight quilt and summer nightgown. BRR. It's been high 80s and low 90s up till the day I left NC. Even here it's been quite warm. I did not really come with warm clothes, even though I know it's a chilly time of year here usually. I'm sure it will be 70 out later today. I packed light, only a carry on and backpack. For a 2 week stay. And half of my suitcase was filled with things I brought for my mom. She said it was like an early Christmas.
The sun is just now peeking through the trees; beautiful. The leaves aren't changing yet. Last night at dusk, outside my parents' window I spotted a family of deer. A buck, doe and 2 young deer. It was beautiful. What a nice welcome to the woods.
Yesterday, my travel day, I ate my usual breakfast. I was to fly over the lunch hour, so I packed a sandwich on a bagel. That was very satisfying. . .gave me something to chew. I knew my dad would take me to the A&W before heading to the house. (I take a regional shuttle from the Twin Cities to a small town, a 45 minute ride, where it drops me off at a hotel parking lot. That's where Dad picks me up, and we have another 45 minute ride to the house) The Root Beer Stand is across the road from where he picks me up, so we HAVE to go there. It's our ritual. Ahead of time I checked out a nutrition menu and decided what I would have that would allow me to also eat whatever they wanted for supper. I got a medium float with diet root beer. only 170 calories!
I didn't snack later, but I really should have. I usually eat at 5 at home, but my parents don't eat until 6. That adds up to a two hour delay for my meal. To top it off they delayed their meal and I didn't get to eat until 6:45, their time. Which meant 2 hours and 45 minutes late for my hunger signals. Now, if I were at home with hubby, I'd be cranky. But I kept myself calm and patient and realized I would really enjoy my food. They wanted to get Mc Donald's! Oh dear! I got on the nutrition chart for Mc D's and decided on the perfect amount of calorie sandwich, and allowed room to snack on a few of their fries. Just a few! But a few was better than trying to suffer and smell theirs and drool. I never eat fries. And of course, they aren't as good as all that anyway.
I stayed within range! We'd gotten take out, and ate it at home. After the meal they ate apple pie cake mom had just taken out of the oven when I walked in the door. I know she made it for me. But I didn't sample it when it was hot. And when they had some after Mc D's, I didn't have any. I was determined to stay within range. Fortunately, it doesn't look all that good. (There was a time not so long ago, that I'd try anything home baked, no matter how it looked. And I would've tried it out of a feeling of obligation.) I don't want to feel coerced into having some.
One thing great is that Mom asked me if I'd lost weight since she last saw me in April. I had lost 6 pounds and firmed up my belly lately. I think that helped her not to push for me to eat her treat. Over the last few years, my dad always apologizes and tries to be sure they aren't tempting me to "go off my diet" That's really sweet of him. They know I'm always working on it.
There is a Fall Festival in town, parade included. I'm going to my mom's quilt guild Quilt Show tomorrow. I think I'll stay away from Festival Food, though I may visit the beer garden and have beer and a brat. I'm in Wisconsin after all! I will include it in my food budget. I'm determined not to gain weight this trip. I lost a pound last time here.
Well, I just wanted to check in. I got to bed before 9 here with the time difference. That's late for me! So I'm awake way before them. That gives me lots of time to Spark. I've been up for 3 hours already and it's only 8:30!
Wish I got a picture of the deer for you!
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