Thursday, July 25, 2013
Something I read today, which was a reminder of something I learned when I first started reading articles on SP, was an article about setting goals. The point that struck me was how we often set goals that are negative, like I will stop eating sugar, or I will not eat fattening foods. All kinds of I WILL NOT statements. It is more motivating to set positive goal, like I will drink eight glasses of water a day. Or eat 5 freggies. My NOT statement lately is that I will not binge for a week. Or I will not let my emotions drive me to eating. Rather than "I will be within calorie range this week." And "I will do something constructive with my time if I feel stressed." I suppose there is a subtle difference between the things I'd be telling myself, but just having the positive goal sets me up to win. Just like the old "don't think about zebras" idea. Of course all you'll think about is zebras.
But even before reading this and thinking about this today, last night I had written to many of you that I was desperate to find the old me. The me that was able to lose 70 pounds in a year and stay within a 1300 calorie range month after month for years and kept the weight off. I worked out pretty consistently, and when I had a period that I wasn't too into working out, I maintained my calorie intake and still kept my weight in check and didn't freak out about the ebb and flow of having a drive to work out. Writing this dream to people several times made it begin to feel like a possibility and I set a few new goals. These goals are similar to the ones I set back in 2000, and were sustainable. I feel good about my new goals and attitude. I feel hope that I will find the old me!
Writing blogs and messages to SparkFriends sure does help. Putting it out there and being encouraged by others really makes a difference, don't you think?
Monday, July 22, 2013
A new thought hit me this morning, after yet another binge last night.
I was keeping the house free of binge foods, which means sugary foods. I realize carbs have sugar in them, but I don't keep the house free of good carbs. I'd had 200 calories under my calorie range after supper. Then hubby suggested we have popcorn. I said yes, mainly because it was something he suggested we have together. I felt inclined to take him up on his offer, since we eat different things for our meal, even though we eat at the same time. I just thought of this as a bonding time. Silly me. I thought, I'll only have one cup. I ate half the bag. Then he left the living room and kitchen. I didn't leave the kitchen. I scrounged around for anything to eat. I ate a couple bowls of cereal, that didn't even taste good to me. I ate some crackers. I made myself stop at that.
My revelation came this morning. I've always said sweets are my binge food. Now I see that anything can be my binge food. Maybe the popcorn triggered it. The thing that seemed to trigger it was when I went to record the amount of calories I had in the popcorn, it was way higher than I predicted--it was the movie style butter popcorn. Why do I even have that in the house instead of the kind that is light, or no butter? I got this on sale, that's why. It wasn't worth it. For years we didn't even keep popcorn on hand.
I learned that anything can be my binge food. It's the act of binge eating that I have to come to terms with.
I have read in the Bible that we should not love the world or anything of the world. Paul said he had a thorn in his flesh; this feels to me like a thorn in my flesh. The Bible, specifically Jesus, says we are to live by the bread of life alone, referring to the Word of God, the Bible. I have been picking up and reading my Bible more and keeping in mind these thoughts. It has helped me to have peace, knowing that God knows I need to eat, but not have a love affair with food. And that he understands my weaknesses of my mind, binge mentality. I have the best help around, in His word and love and compassion. And also the support I get from SparkPeople friends.
I am still in the process of dealing with binges. But I am not so stressed out about it. I see the stress I've been under. It is a major factor in my binges, to eat out of emotion. I have gradually been letting my hobbies slide. I haven't knitted in many weeks, I haven't worked on my art journal for a couple weeks, and I have slacked off on working out for almost a week now. I don't even feel motivated today. Getting back into these things may help, but I think contemplating my emotions behind binges is key. The art journaling can help me sort out feelings. I think I should start there.
Thank you all for listening! Your kindness means so much to me!
Sunday, July 21, 2013
The sun has come out! Outside, and in my heart. I have felt the sun shine on me through all your kind and supportive comments on my blogs. I feel the SparkLove through all of you. It really brightens my life.
We have had a dreary summer. At least it hasn't been as hot as normal, but it has been humid with all the rain. Usually cloudy rainy weather depresses me after a few days, but I've been in such good spirits from feeling heathy, that it hasn't gotten me down.
Though this is a sad time for me. My 95 year old friend is dying. He has lost his ability to swallow and chokes when he eats and drinks. I am a companion (hired) to his wife. I've known them and worked for them for 6 years. It's hard not to feel close. I am sad for her especially, and I don't know how I will do trying to comfort her when she loses him. He has been in assisted living for 3 years now, so she is used to him not being at home, though it is still going to be a major loss. To think they have been married 70 years. That's unfathomable, to me.
Keep us all in your thoughts and prayers. She has two daughters and their families living in the area as well.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
I've let several of you know this today, but I want you all to be aware of what has transpired this week.
I contacted my doctor and got the go ahead to decrease my medicine by 2/3, saving quite a bit of money of the medicine. I may even be able to decrease it more once I see him on the 30th. He seemed confident that I should do fine with the decrease. My medicine is for mood stabilization relating to my bipolar disorder. I would ask you all to keep an eye on me. If I start getting depressed and it shows consistently in my writing, or if I get manic, and start writing a lot of stuff that no longer makes sense, please point it out to me. Sometimes I am unaware of these signs and may not go for help very quickly. But I trust your friendship and I will appreciate your feedback. Fortunately I have a good support system in my family and friends. My hubby is very tuned into my moods and actions and can tell very quickly when something is not right. He directs me to my doctor, but sometimes it would help me be serious about getting help if I am hearing it from other people as well that things don't seem quite right with me.
I had to go through 4 days of withdrawal symptoms while I decreased my dose, but that is over now and I feel back to normal. During this week, with all the turmoil about my medicine, I ended up not getting to workout... due to not feeling good, and I didn't control my eating very well. Time to get back on track, and today is going well in that regard!
Thank you all for continued prayers and encouragement!
Sunday, July 14, 2013
I'm happy to say that for the first time having guests in the house, I did very little emotional eating. I can't say I didn't have any binges, but there were only two in two weeks. This is astounding news. It has boosted my self-esteem to be successful in this way. And, I was diligent and able to get many workouts in while taking care of two little people and working part-time as well.
I am not worn out from company. I feel peaceful and happy. Hubby and I are getting back to our normal routine. It's nice to have each other all to ourselves again. Empty nest agrees with us.
I am so relaxed that I didn't even panic when I went to pick up a medicine at the pharmacy and had to start using my hubby's new insurance plan. I didn't realize the plan no longer had co-pays for meds. I got sticker shock. My main medicine (one of 5) costs $426 for 30 days, and this is the generic price! Deductible of $5000 means it will take most of a year of paying for it outright to get past it. We've always had coverage for meds, and I realize many people are in my shoes. It's just that we try to get to Hawaii to see our son, and my folks live in the midwest and I have to fly to see them. I'd like to see them twice a year, as they are aging.
As I said, I didn't panic. My hubby is reassuring me that we'll work it out. I'm going to see my doctor and see what we can do about finding an alternative med. I'd like to wean off of this very costly medicine. There are many potential side effects in going off of it, but I'm hopeful that it will work out. I'm a lot healthier now and I could potentially get along without it.
Prayers would be much appreciated!
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