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LORILEEPAGE's Recent Blog Entries

Getting Real With Myself

Saturday, June 22, 2013

I am talking to myself right now. Trying to overcome the feelings of self-recrimination I'm having. Feel free to listen in. I'd be encouraged by any comments. Help me love myself better.

I binged today. I am so angry with myself for doing what I did. What's the matter with me!?

I need to think of some affirmations.

I am loved by God.
God loves me in spite of my binge
Jesus forgives me
I am healthy
I am whole
I can stop beating myself up
God wants what's best for me. He wouldn't want me to beat myself up over this, or to be
unkind to myself
I have a family who loves me
I am strong
I have come a long way
I can get past this
I am a loving person
I am kind
I am patient
I have compassion on others, I can be compassionate to myself
I love others
I forgive others freely, I can forgive myself
I am a positive person
I am loyal
I am trustworthy
I have many friends who care about me
My friends wouldn't want me to be so hard on myself
I am learning how to overcome binge eating.
Today was a learning experience
I can break the cycle of binge/purge by not purging with exercise today
I will do what feels healthy.

I feel better. My anger has dissipated. I no longer feel the urge to purge and will just do my usual workout.

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Many of the things I can say here are things I am hearing in my head are things many of you who have commented on my blogs have said to me at one time or another. For these comments I am very grateful.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

_JODI404 6/27/2013 9:33PM

    Your list of affirmations is wonderful!! How powerful and awesome!!

It is natural to be upset after a binge you have worked hard to avoid. This is a learning process, and it takes time! Please don't be too hard on yourself. It is NOT an easy thing to overcome, so perfection should definitely not be an expectation.
Do your best... staying positive, and treating yourself with the same loving-kindness that you would to others.

I hope this list will help you, I think it is a GREAT idea that would be really helpful to reference when you may struggle.

I saw this picture on another blog regarding H A L T / binges. You may already be familiar with this, but thought I would include it if it could help at all. (cut/paste to view)

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.
net/hphotos-ash3/p480x480/94154
5_363054500483720_1374934915_n.
jpg

Cheers to continuous learning, and continuous improvement!

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KANOE10 6/23/2013 11:11AM

    It is good for you to express your emotions. Be compassionate with yourself. We all learn on our journey to health. You are learning to accept yourself and go on. You can do it.

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POPSY190 6/23/2013 3:10AM

    Well done for standing back and assessing what is going on.

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LARISSA238 6/22/2013 9:36PM

    You are all those things on that list and more! Don't let one little slip up throw you off! I'm trying to quit fast food and I've had a couple of slip ups, but I just try and dust myself off and start back at day 1.

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LIFEISPURRFECT 6/22/2013 4:57PM

    You're only human! Be gentle with yourself. The list is a great idea and you should print it out and keep it with you so you can refer to it whenever needed. Don't let one binge define who you are. You are a child of God and that's all that matters. emoticon

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JULIAINLA 6/22/2013 4:24PM

    Wonderful list... re-read it till you realize all is well....life is filled with ups and downs...hope you feel joy again soon...I'm sure its just around the corner...:) emoticon

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SHERIO5 6/22/2013 3:27PM

    Looks like progress to me! I think when we can start treating ourselves as kind as we treat our loved ones, then real healing can come!

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CHICKPEA23 6/22/2013 1:53PM

    It sounds like you've already given yourself forgiveness and a clean slate. It's still a beautiful Saturday, and it's important to be compassionate to yourself, as you mentioned. Every affirmation you listed is true! I hope you are able to enjoy the rest of your day.
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DETERMINEDAPRIL 6/22/2013 1:51PM

    Great job calming yourself down! 1 step back, 2 steps forward! You're only failing if you choose to not get back up :) Hang in there!

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Blueberries!

Friday, June 21, 2013

We are now starting to harvest blueberries! We've had the bushes for 3 years, this is the 4th. Every year so far the birds ate all the berries, but this year my hubby made a mesh cage around them. He calls it a bird cage, since a couple of times a bird has found it's way inside.

Yesterday I picked the first berries. I had a nice handful, off of the five bushes. It's only the beginning, the bushes are full of berries this year.

I ate them all while standing outside, savoring their yumminess. I can't wait to be able to put some on my oatmeal in the morning.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LARISSA238 6/23/2013 5:22PM

    Yay for growing your own food! And yummy food at that!

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PAMNANGEL 6/22/2013 5:12PM

    Mmmm mmmm!

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JULIAINLA 6/22/2013 4:40PM

    That is delightful. I lovvvee blueberries....

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LIVINGFREE19 6/21/2013 10:45PM

    Wonderful!

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_JODI404 6/21/2013 10:36PM

    How awesome!! I love them in pancakes. They are also one of many fruits I use in my smoothies.

ENJOY!!

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KELLIEBEAN 6/21/2013 9:47PM

    That is great. Yumo!

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CHERYL_ANNE 6/21/2013 7:24PM

    Lovely!

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BARCLE 6/21/2013 5:42PM

    emoticon yummy!

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Binges! Help!

Monday, June 17, 2013

I am disheartened by witnessing my last three out of four days and how out of control they have been.

After my binge a few days ago, I fully expected that I could easily get back into the grove of depending on God for strength. Something in me is just fighting the help I could easily receive if I really wanted it. I see myself rebelling.

First, I had said I wouldn't beat myself up over my binge. But I did.
Next, I said I wouldn't purge by exercising like a crazy woman...and that's exactly what I did. On two days.
I also did another thing which perpetuates the binge cycle...I restricted calories (extremely) for two days.

These things all backfired and I ended up binge eating for two days.

UGH!

I have shed tears. I am now coming to you all who have binge problems, especially those of you who have had some or much success overcoming. Does it get easier to pick yourself up and return to normalcy?

I wish my tastebuds would suddenly have an aversion to the taste of sweets. I am even asking for this in my prayers. Or at least to be satisfied with just a few bites.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANNEMAC5 6/18/2013 1:39AM

    It is always something that can happen we all get bad days but you are doing great by sharing them with us. You can get over this you know what to do. Even when maintaining it can be so difficult it is been mindful forever
Hope to-day is better

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MEDDYPEDDY 6/17/2013 11:57PM

    In my experience bingeing leads to more bingeing, which really should keep me from doing it. Hang in there, you can do it!

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LIVIN2LOVE1 6/17/2013 11:12PM

    I know your pain all too well. I'm sorry to say that I can't help but I stopped by your blog so that I can not feel so alone in the matter. I loved reading through your comments and I hope that something triggers in the two of us so that we can find some peace. The last 6 months have been rough for me and I've put on 15 of the 65 that I lost. I'm finding a balance today (starting yesterday) only because I enlisted the help of my children. There is strength in numbers. Let's stick together. emoticon

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_JODI404 6/17/2013 10:14PM

    Hang in there, this too shall pass!! emoticon emoticon

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LIFEISPURRFECT 6/17/2013 9:01PM

    Everyone has given you some wonderful advice. All I can add is to believe in yourself and that you are a gift of God. Through him you can do anything! emoticon

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SCHUBERTR1 6/17/2013 6:44PM

  it's not what you're eating. It's what's eating you. Binging is often a symptom of not living your truth. What are you really seeking? What do you need to live your authentic life?

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CHERYL_ANNE 6/17/2013 6:09PM

    In your heart of hearts, what is it you're rebelling against and why? What other ways could you have this rebellion that don't involve Emotional Eating?

We all have to re-fuel our bodies every day which means we encounter "Food" which we Emotionally Eat.

Sit down and speak to yourself the way you would someone you loved and forgive yourself. When you're done, put the episode behind you and continue on your way.

You can do this!




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4A-HEALTHY-BMI 6/17/2013 5:14PM

    Hang in there. You are definitely not alone.

We have a whole section about bingeing in the Big Page of Links - maybe some of those resources could be helpful?

http://tinyurl.com/
maintenance-links

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DANIELLESAUTUMN 6/17/2013 5:11PM

    So Sorry you've had a rough time with this. I don't have much experience in that area, but I do know that it sucks. I bet you there was one time in that binging two days that you put something to your lips and thought- I can just stop right now and it wouldn't be all lost. But something else (probably the food) overcame that tiny conscious voice.

Like others said, pick yourself back up. Find out what your triggers are and think really hard on how you can stop them from happening. Either the triggers or your urge to go right to food. Binging doesn't just happen, right? It's fueled by something emotionally or environmentally. You're strong- think it through and it might take some extra diligence the next few weeks to get back on track. And it wont go away forever, this wasn't your last binge I'm sure. But figure out why it's happening- what stops you inside from putting the food down?

I hope you get back on your feet without any problems- good luck! you can do it, just stay strong with yourself! Respect yourself!

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MISSB8604 6/17/2013 4:09PM

    All you can do is the best you can. Try to focus on small things to get yourself back to "normal". You can do it, you're supported.

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OOLALA53 6/17/2013 4:07PM

    It goes through stages over the course of a several years. People can go a long time feeling the problems are all over and still relapse. What they do then makes a lot of difference. The urges will usually come back very strong, but if they are resisted, they will quiet down again. Most people don't last long enough to get to the point of binges being infrequent. I think it's because they expect it to get easy too soon. They want the trouble to be over with NOW. That is the exception, not the rule. But it IS worth keeping on. Keep feeding yourself reasonably and resist the urges to overdo,

I don't mean you have to live in fear with no sense of delight in your eating for years. You will have many good times! But just realize that a few good days, weeks, or months of feeling free is just part of the process. Slipping and getting back up (not easy) is part of it, too. Don't give up because it's hard! The alternative is being at the effect of your body's attachment to food forever, most likely. It's worth a few years of ups and downs to get good at negotiating food. It might not ever get to the point at which you don't have to think about it at all, but it won't always be a burden.

Part of the process is learning not to let it overshadow the rest of your day. Have your meals and get into the rest of your life, the mundane and the exciting, the happy and the difficult. The more you make that your habit, the better.

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ROBBIEY 6/17/2013 3:35PM

  Just keep moving and don't give up or in. There is always good days, weeks and years, but keep it moving!!!

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SHERIO5 6/17/2013 3:30PM

    emoticon

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A Hiccup!

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Well, yesterday I was successful and finished my day 25 strong.

Then I woke up this morning with a mood change. Seems my hormones are jumping...I'm working toward the goal of menopause and having a few bumps. Before I went to work I called my husband crying, not wanting to face my workday. I wanted to open the shades to see the sun, but it was so hot already in the morning, I didn't want to heat up the house by letting the sun shine in. I cried about that, too. I haven't cried for "no reason" for quite some time now, and my hormones haven't really been jumping much. I just seemed out of sorts this morning. My heartburn was bothering me after breakfast of yogurt a plum. No coffee. I miss my coffee. Anyway this is all to say that I got off to a rocky start this morning.

I packed a nice lunch. Went to work and work wasn't so bad after all. I got home at 2:30 and sat to relax a minute. My hubby called and asked me to go to the store for something. I had to pick up something at the pharmacy there, so that worked out perfectly. Until I got in the store and was drawn to a day-old bakery cart. I have no idea what possessed me to take it, other than it was cake and only $1.50. Sucker! I started seeing other treats on sale and started to put three more items in my cart. NO! I put the three things back, but I hung on to the cake! WHY?! As I proceeded through the store I had a passing thought that "I am buying a binge food" Then, "I'll just have one piece and throw the rest away" "It will be worth 1.50."

Bought it. I usually try to go to the store with my hubby, which keeps me honest with myself. But I have to learn to go to the store on my own. It's not fair to make him go out to the store with me after work when he is tired. He has other things he wants to get done.

Including some of the cake and some potato chips, I ended up going over my calorie range by 800. I was in denial that I was binging until after a light supper I counted the calories I'd eaten. I decided to be a big girl and face facts that it was a binge. I may feel like saying it's a "small" binge, since I usually eat three times that in binge food. I didn't make myself sick feeling, or stuffed feeling, but I stopped. And a binge is a binge. You just know deep down that you are binge eating.

I think it's important for me to not overreact and punish myself for the binge. I want to be gentle and kind to myself. I wrote in my journal about my feelings and worked on a page in my Visual (art) Journal. I decided I'd fess up and blog about this, pick myself up and move on. I went upstairs and biked for 40 minutes. Nothing crazy. I don't plan to purge by exercising like a madwoman.

While I journaled I figured out how many days it is until my daughter's wedding. It's on Aug. 10. That's 57 days. What I want to do is surpass the 25 binge free days, but wouldn't it be awesome if I can stay binge-free till the wedding? (and beyond!)

So I call this a hiccup. Not a catastrophe.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHERYL_ANNE 6/14/2013 7:51AM

    Thank you for sharing with us. I know it was hard for you. You did good, honey!

It is exactly a hiccup in the day of a recovering Emotional Eater. You're trying to do the best job you can - however we EE's do need to re-fuel our bodies - and face fuel (food) at every meal, it is not a trigger we can avoid. It is a struggle and one that we must work at every day and also be okay with the fact that we will have to work at it every day!

What about the next time you have to go to the store you go with list-in-hand, and only purchase what is on the list - with the intent to re-train your brain (re-parent yourself? i.e., We would no more let our children start piling goodies in a cart to emotionally eat - yet we think nothing of doing that to ourselves - so we must be vigilant against allowing ourselves to do that very thing).

I sympathize with you because the day-old cart used to be a magnet for me too. Until my wheat (and other grain) allergies got the best of me. Funny how there is never any GF goodie day-old cart anywhere or I would seriously be dithering nearby!

Comment edited on: 6/14/2013 7:52:56 AM

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NUTRON3 6/14/2013 7:37AM

    Never give up, you will do it

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POPSY190 6/14/2013 3:17AM

    Good way to look at it. You are doing fine nearly the whole time and one trip up isn't a big deal.

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_JODI404 6/13/2013 9:59PM

    emoticon on making it 25 days -- that was fantastic.

emoticon on moving on and not beating yourself up! I like your term - hiccup. Definitely not a catastrophe!

You will continue to learn and get stronger and keep seeking His help as you need it.

emoticon You are learning new skills, new thinking and this will take time... but I KNOW you can make these changes successfully. Stay strong!



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KELLIEBEAN 6/13/2013 9:49PM

    Good for you not beating yourself up. You are right, it's a hiccup. It could have been worse and you handled it beautifully!

Keep looking forward! One day at a time!

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THOMASINA57 6/13/2013 8:55PM

    So sorry to hear you were having a bad day, but you have a great attitude and tomorrow is another day to get back on the binge free wagon.

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SHERIO5 6/13/2013 8:48PM

    Boy oh boy do I know about hormonal blips!!

I am glad you are having a good attitude about the binge. It is over. You know what to do now, and I am sure you will do it!

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Streak Continues!

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Today is day 25 of my binge-free streak! I'm going to crush this! emoticon

I did have two days of temptation that I struggled to control, but those little whispers in God's ear for assistance strengthened me.

I had baked, with the intention of giving all except 4 bars away, so that hubby and I could each have two. When cutting them I allowed myself one. I was able to stop there after consulting my daddy in heaven. Of course, he's pulling for me and gladly helped me get my mind off of sweets. I know it was a dangerous thing to bake, but, I will be exposed to sweets in reality, and I need to know how to have the control over them and not let their draw overwhelm what I have firmly decided to accomplish: a healthy attitude toward food.

The other draw this past day or two was those red velvet truffles I had hid in the back of the fridge. I still managed to ration them to myself. Fortunately they are gone now. I am happy to say I have stayed within range of calories the past two days in spite of the temptations.

I've been working out later and later in the day lately. In the afternoon and evening it is so hot in my bonus room where our equipment is. We have central air, but upstairs the heat collects...there is no door. We have a new fangled floor model of an AC unit, with a hose out the window. It blows right at me on the elliptical and there's a ceiling fan, so not so bad. When Dr Oz is on at 4 I like to work out. Yesterday, I waited till after supper to work out, and opted for a walk in the 84 degree heat. I lasted an hour. emoticon (The sweat poured off of me, so I drank water, but probably not enough since I didn't have to get up and pee in the night like I usually do! I liked that! What a good night sleep I had!)

After that hot walk, I was sapped of energy and fell asleep sitting up with a book on my chest, at 7:30! Went to bed at 8:30 and woke up at 4:30. Counting the nap, I had 10 hours of sleep by then. So I've been up for quite a while. By 7:30, which is when I usually get up, I was upstairs working out for 40 minutes. Boring TV at that time...we don't have cable anymore, but I could read on my bike, and watch boring commercials while on the elliptical. It feels good to be done working out already.

I'm ready for a binge-free day! emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BEFIT014 6/12/2013 10:42PM

    I end up getting up a couple times during the night. I hate that!

Sounds like you're doing great! emoticon

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CHERYL_ANNE 6/12/2013 6:41PM

    You got this!

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SHERIO5 6/12/2013 6:11PM

    Way to go , Lori!

I have been doing better with binges...talking to God is helping,..lots of small victories. Thanks for being a motivator for me!

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KNYAGENYA 6/12/2013 2:37PM

    Good for you. I am so proud of you.

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_JODI404 6/12/2013 11:59AM

    You really are totally crushing it!!! Especially being able to successfully bake -- WoW -- I don't think I could do that.

Great job on getting your workouts done already! Hope you have a fabulous day!!

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KANOE10 6/12/2013 11:17AM

    Great job on 25 days. Woo Hoo. You are doing it.
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Comment edited on: 6/12/2013 11:17:52 AM

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KELLIEBEAN 6/12/2013 10:59AM

    25 days! YAHOO!!!! I think I heard it takes 22 days to develop a new habit, something like that so yes, you are crushing this!!

Very smart to learn to ration treats. You have to live realistically.

I'm SO happy for you.

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PEZMOM1 6/12/2013 10:57AM

    emoticon

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THOMASINA57 6/12/2013 10:49AM

    Wow, you are doing so well.. emoticon You are proving to yourself that you have the inner strength to succeed and writing about your adventures and turning to you sparkfriends and of course the ones closest to you in your life are all steps in the right direction.

It's not easy and you are acing it!!!!!!!!!

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