Saturday, February 16, 2013
My hubby had words of wisdom for me today.
We were eating out for lunch and I was explaining something I had figured out as a trigger for my emotional eating. I told him that last night when we had the grandchildren over, he was very attentive to them and I didn't feel needed to help with them. I felt like I wasn't included. This happens whenever the kids are around. I end up eating. Also on weekends when he goes to the computer room to work, I feel like I'm not included and feel left out. So I often turn to food. I think I remember eating as a child when I felt like my mother was busy with my baby brothers, and I felt left out. Also when I was 13, I had some friends tell me I couldn't hang out with them anymore. and you guessed it...I ate. Whenever I tried to figure out what I did or didn't do or what I lacked that made them exclude me, I couldn't figure it out so I turned to food.
So rejection, or feeling excluded or left out, triggers a turn to food.
But when I told my hubby about my theory, he said,"Stop analyzing your reasons for eating. I think you eat because you like to eat. You love food." Well, I had to laugh at that because it is true. He told me I just need to remember that just because I like to eat does not mean I should do it whenever I feel like it. I have to have moderation. He suggests that I am so much more able to avoid excess eating if I am doing something, keeping busy. He said my best bet is to come up with something that I love to do more than I love to eat. I think he has something here. My reasoning is possible, but plain and simple...I love to eat.
So to follow his advice, I decided what I wanted to spend my birthday money on. Craft supplies. I spent an hour online choosing assorted items I can use in the art journal I am working on and things to sew onto my cloth journal I will make. I figure these supplies will come in handy as I get to work on a project or two to take some of my free time off my hands. I also am going to go to Mary Jo's cloth store and get some fabric for a quilt I want to make and for the cloth journal.
So those things should help keep me busier.
Today when I woke up I decided it was the day I wanted to bake something special for my birthday. I wanted cut-out sugar cookies. My son here from Hawaii really likes them, too, so they are a treat for him, too. I ran short of regular flour, and had to substitute about a cup of the 2 1/2 cups flour with wheat flour. I wasn't sure I'd like that. I love my original recipe. They taste good anyway, but the wheat flour makes them more filling. I don't think I can eat as many of them as usual. Which is a very good thing.
My birthday is tomorrow and I picked IHOP as my restaurant to eat at to celebrate. They are very busy on Sunday's so we're going to go in the late afternoon, I hope it isn't so busy then. I like the egg substitute scrambled eggs with turkey bacon and two pancakes with Sugar Free syrup. I don't know why this is such a big treat for me. I just love hot breakfast and never make it for myself. Especially pancakes.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
The potential to binge lately has been very persistent. But I have dealt with it for 6 days successfully!
Yesterday I needed to go to Walmart for groceries. I went a little hungry...bad move as we all know. But on my way into the store I did pray that I would get myself out of the store without any binge foods.
What happened right away? I walked to the back of the store to follow my regular path, and first thing I did was walk up to the discount bakery rack and eye up the 20 pack of mini cupcakes. Cupcakes and bakery cake of any form is my weakness, a purely binge food for me. I saw they were $3.60 and 360 calories for 3 of them. I put one pack in my cart, imagining the sweetness and creaminess of the frosting and the soft vanilla cake that I love so much. Fantasizing about eating most of them in the car before heading home, as I usually do when I buy cake.
As I went around the corner I thought I should probably put them right back. But no I wasn't motivated to do so. Right after that I came upon $1 valentine boxes of assorted chocolates. Put one in my cart for another binge. Perhaps keeping them in the cart if I did decide to put the cupcakes back. I went a little further and picked up some regular stuff.
As I thought about the desire I had to continue my binge free streak and not cut it short at day 5, when I knew that one time I'd had a 18 day streak which I planned to beat, I headed back to put the cupcakes back. I forced myself to shake away all thoughts of the pleasure of the binge. I put them back, looking around to see if anyone was looking (whatever that was all about!) And though it was out of place I laid the candy down there too. Not risking changing my mind and keeping them if I traveled all the way back to their rightful place in the store.
I felt good, and just a little bit victorious, but I didn't want to congratulate myself just yet, I was only half-way through the store. Besides, I had also promised myself that if I put back the whole box, I could instead pick up one cupcake if they had them in the bakery.
I got to the bakery and almost passed it by but was drawn to the donuts. I figured I could get one for 300 calories. But I was originally drawn to cupcakes, so I figured I would only be satisfied with a cupcake. Found one vanilla kid size cupcake. Not regular size but not really a mini. Just right for a snack. Probably about 300 calories. I figured it would fit into my requirements for the day.
I looked longingly at the caramel milky ways, my favorite, in the check-out line, maybe I could get it and eat half tomorrow and half the next day as planned treats. But, no, that may lead to a binge, and I had my snack for today.
I ate it and you know I didn't really enjoy it though I ate it slowly (in the car) and tried to savor it. I found myself fantasizing about the huge slices of cake with lots of frosting that they sell for under a dollar at my other grocery store.
I had to go to that other store because they didn't have almond milk today at Walmart. So there I went. They had NO cake slices out at all, so that helped me get out safely. But they didn't have the natural cheetos my son wanted for his daughter, so I went on to another store. At that store they also didn't carry those chips so on my way out the door I made a detour to the free cookie stand they always have there at the Harris Teeter. I ate it on my way to the car and that finally satisfied me.
I got home and wrote down my unplanned calories, and lo and behold, I was right on target for the time of day it was and wouldn't have to scrimp and save to make it within range.
I was satisfied. And lucky that I didn't go over for the day. I don't count that as a binge. For me a binge is usually a feeding frenzy and takes me over my calorie range by more that a couple hundred calories. Usually they are 1000-2400 calories extra for that day. I'd count it as a binge if I had 400-500 calories extra unplanned.
That's my story for today. Each day has it's own struggles, I am not struggling with binge urges today, nor am I craving sweets.
Friday, February 08, 2013
I'm learning about how to become Binge Free from lots of folks on the Living Binge Free Team! Thanks everyone!
Right now I am taking the 21 day challenge to stay Binge Free. I've learned that I am stuck in a habit of self medicating myself with binges. It is my go-to response to many triggers. One is seeing sweets on tv, or on Pinterest. It's food porn to me. Another is if stay in the kitchen after supper and I'm alone with the pantry and the cookies, I start gobbling. Most often it occurs on nights when I've had a particularly stressful day.
I've been having a binge 2-3 times a week lately. I'm on day 3 of my latest streak. I aim to be successful with sane eating. I am journaling about my urges to eat. Sometimes it works, others I forget to journal because the urge catches me off guard.
Last binge I was conscious of the desire to binge as I reached for the first cookie. Fully planning to binge, I even knew what the trigger was. And the fact that I was aware of it was a good sign that I will get to the point that I will avert the damage caused, by turning away after one or even no cookies. and turning to my journal, or to reading a good book.
I have borderline personality disorder, and when I have stress especially due not feeling like someone is understanding my side of things or acknowledging how I feel about a situation, I don't address it except by having a binge or lashing out at the other person involved. I used to be a "cutter". But I have overcome most of the behaviors associated with BPD and have been very stable for years. I think recently I have had some relapses due to additional stress that I wasn't anticipating and haven't handled well.
I know this is a heavy topic. And I am putting myself out there admitting to you that I have these problems. But you all are so full of love and support that I feel I can entrust you with my heart.
Thanks for listening. I am doing better the past couple of days and have a hopeful peaceful feeling right now.
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