Sunday, February 05, 2012
Thanks to the encouragement of family, friends and fellow Sparkers, I feel a lot better about my decision to cut back my hours with Shirley, even with her cancer diagnosis complicating things. I am reminded that she has daughters who probably will up their involvement at this difficult time. If I step back, that helps them to get in there more. They were used to me always being there and felt they weren't needed so much. I guess I was being an enabler.
I also am grateful for motivation to keep up my exercise, which is a great stress reliever. Sometimes when I'm stressed the first thing I want to do is ditch my plan to work out. I see I've grown and learned to keep consistent. Why throw out all my hard work because of a couple weeks of stress? I deserve to take care of myself no matter what. It's great that I got the 28 day boot camp DVD just in time for the start of February. I'm motivated to keep up with the schedule and it is doing something. . .I'm sore!
Eating has generally been under control. I'm still eating things that are healthy for me. I've just had some extra sugar for part of a week. But it wasn't enough to make me go over on my carbs, though I don't count sugar grams, which would be more telling. In general I feel good about my eating.
I plan to have a good Sunday, even though I have to work 5.5 hours at Hallmark. Hallmark is a happy store to work in. People are there mostly to buy cards and gifts for loved ones they are celebrating with. . .happy thoughts are in their minds.
Have a great Sunday SparkFriends!
I appreciate you more than you'll ever know!
Friday, February 03, 2012
Well, Wednesday I told Shirley i was cutting the hours I'd spend with her and today she tells me she has found out she has lung cancer! I am torn between feelings of guilt and relief that I cut the hours. Guilt because now I feel she needs me more and relief because I don't think I could stand to see her steady decline. Since she's 90, they wont do surgery, but will probably do radiation. I feel like a coward because I don't want to be around during her hard times. But I am being protective of myself and my emotional wellbeing. Stress is a big trigger for eating, but more importantly it triggers depression and mania in the bipolar world I live in.
I was with Shirley today when she told her 94 year old husband (in assisted living) that she has cancer, and it was a very emotional situation. Of course she shed tears and so did I, but George, bless his heart, didn't really get the big picture. He sensed that something was terribly wrong, but he didn't grasp that she is dying. They will be married 70 years in April. Can you imagine living long enough to see your 70th anniversary??? I can't! I will have my 35th this summer, and that is exactly half of the time she's been married! Wow!
This whole week, since she fell and got the concussion till Wed when I cut my hours, till today when I hound out about her cancer, I have been drawn to sweets. I've not gone over my calories too many days and when I have, it's only been by a hundred or so. It's just that the temptations are stronger than the have been in the 6 months I've been Sparking. Christmas wasn't even this hard. I'm sure this is just another opportunity to become stronger.
I love Shirley, please pray for her. This has been a sad day
Wednesday, February 01, 2012
A few great things have happened today.
When I got home from work there was a package waiting for me from Amazon. I got my Coach Nicole 28 day Boot Camp video AND my SparkPeople Cookbook! YAY! I changed clothes and tried out day one of the video and I am pleased. I couldn't have timed it better, getting it on the first of the month so I could keep track of the days easily.
And now I will have a few more hours freed up to read and use the cookbook, because I reduced my hours I will be working with Shirley. ( the 90 year old woman I am companion to.) I was just getting too stressed out by the job. She took it pretty well, though I'm sure she'll challenge me about it in the near future, once it sinks in that I won't be there three times a week but only 1. She has other resources and I've been with her off and on for 5 years, and I've just had enough. She treats me like family and we will always stay in touch, even if I quit completely.
I feel the stress just melting away. . .
Today, I stopped by to drop off a birthday gift for a friend. She had hosted a baby shower last weekend and had made the most amazing cut-out cookies. Winnie the Pooh, train engines and dinosaurs, all iced and drawn on with icing. I have a real weakness for sugar cookies like these and though she gave me 4 to take home, and though I tore into one on my way home, I stopped at just one. I had started opening a second one--they were individually wrapped with a satin ribbon tied on to hold them closed--but talked myself out of continuing. It was ok to have one, it was my snack, but in the last two days I've just gotten my motivation back. Starting fresh for the new month. SO I resisted and in the end it wasn't that hard to ignore the cookies sitting on the seat next to me. But Oh are they good, just like i like them.
Today I decided to take the time to go back and analyze the data from my first 6 months. Calories eaten and calories burned and rate of weight loss. It looks like no matter what I've done, I keep losing at the rate of 5 pounds per 2 month period. I can eat less and exercise more, or eat more and exercise the same, or exercise less and eat more. . .any way I've tried, I just lose those 5 lbs in 2 months. I am thankful for every 1/2 pound I lose, so I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing right now. I've fallen into a groove. I'm sure I'll have to increase time of my exercise as I go along, but I'm doing things in a sustainable fashion.
I have a good feeling about this month of February! It's my birthday month and I am going to treat myself well!
Friday, January 27, 2012
I am stressed out being at Shirley's today. I'm here for 5 hours. She has a concussion from her fall the other day. When you're 90, healing takes longer. Pray if you will for her to have a speedy recovery. I'm worried that she'll fall while I'm here, since she is so dizzy. I don't want to be here. She is resting and all I have to do here is read a book or Spark on my iPhone.
I'm so hungry and I have to wait to dig in to my lunch till she eats, too. Otherwise I won't have anything to do while she eats. We sit and read while we eat. I know that's not advisable, to read while you eat, but that's what she does and she wants me to read too so she doesn't feel like she has to have conversation.
I had two of her hershey kisses. I didn't crave any more, but I did want to EAT SOMETHING!
I was in tears from the stress and really hungry. I drank a couple glasses of water.
That was all earlier.
Now, the day with Shirley is done, though I'm still worrying about her. I left before her other help came. I could've stayed longer, but I was eager to get out of there. I know I should feel sorry for her. Instead I feel burdened and stressed. I have no nursing training. I'm just her companion. As she ages it will be harder for me to be with her. But we've become friends and It is more than a business arrangement. When I left she kept saying she was afraid to be alone. She is quite dizzy and could easily fall. It's just been 48 hours since her fall.
I feel guilty for leaving her. But in 45 minutes I have to go to my other job. One time I tried to work closer to the time I had to go to Hallmark, but I was frazzled at Hallmark and had a hard time shifting gears from one job to the next. I didn't want that to happen today, so I left Shirley's at 3. Though my usual hours are 10-2, I stayed extra for obvious reasons.I just couldn't bring myself to stay with shirley till 4. I work at 5 at hallmark. So I've been sitting in a coffee shop with my journal and computer. Trying to get some things done that I'll be too tired to do when I get home at 9:30.
I'm proud of myself that, though I was sure I wouldn't get a workout in today, I biked for 20 minutes before work this morning. Yay. I didn't get to exercise yesterday, so I didn't want to go two days in a row without doing something for my body.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Strange day today.
On my way to work I got thinking that I may have forgotten to take my medicine this morning. I got to work and told the woman who I am companion to that I had forgotten to take my medicine. She encouraged me to go home. That's 1/2 hour round trip. We have a flexible arrangement so I didn't feel too bed doing just that. I got home and found out that I had taken it after all. Oh, well!
Then I took her to the nail salon. She's 90 and can't cut her toenails, so she likes to go get a pedicure so they will cut them for her. After she got done drying her nails, she put on her socks and shoes. I turned my back just for a second and she tried to stand from the chair, which was a chair on wheels, that also swivels. The chair flew out from underneath her and she screamed and went down, also bumping her head on another chair. She sat up ok but was really shaken up. She took her pulse (without looking at the time, she apparently can judge how fast it's going without a watch) and at first it was rapid and it settled down ok after that. She can't get off the floor and I couldn't help her because of my bad back. She had me call her daughter who lives nearby. Then she said her chest hurt and I was concerned about her heart. I asked her several times if she wanted me to call 911. Eventually, before her daughter arrived, she had me call 911. The rescue people got there shortly after Margey did. I took Shirley's car to her house and picked up my car and went on to the hospital. I was a little shaken as well.
At the hospital, I hung around long enough to be sure everyone got the clear picture of what I saw happen. They wanted to be sure she didn't have a mini stroke or get a concussion, since she was acting confused. It was 1:00 by the time I left the hospital, leaving Shirley there with her daughter and son-in-law. It's 5:00 now and I have no idea how she's doing. Probably fine.
When I left, (my lunch bag got left at Shirley's) I was hungry. I stopped for a bathroom break at a coffee shop I frequent. Got myself a cup of iced coffee (it is in the 60's today) and was tempted by and bought a Krispy Bar. Scarfed that down in the car and headed home. When I got home my adrenaline was still running high and I wanted to eat sweets. I'm sure the krispy bar triggered a hankering for more sugar. I looked in the fridge and saw the fudgey chocolate cake slice I'd bought my husband the night before. I said NO to myself and opened up the freezer, thinking I might have a vegetarian corn dog. But better yet, i spotted a chicken fried rice by Lean Cuisine and decided on that. It was only 260 calories. It satisfied me and I broke that craving for sweets.
I started the day with a 45 minute walk outside. 40 degrees at the time. At the hospital, I got lost trying to find my way back to my car. I don't know how to get around that hospital very well. I've only been there a few times and it's a maze. I must've walked another 15 minutes just trying to find my car!
I hope I have a nice quiet evening. . . .
Get An Email Alert Each Time LORILEEPAGE Posts