Monday, February 17, 2014
So today starts the next big challenge from all my buddies at Spark People! I'm a little scared, more so than you'd think for a simple online challenge- and here's why...
For years now, I've gotten by with my slow starts and abandoned projects by telling myself that I had plenty of time before I turned 30. It was just one of those big, out-of-the way numbers...I've got 5 years, 2 years, 6 months, before being 250 pounds is unacceptable to me, before not having a grown-up job is unacceptable to me, before not being married is unacceptable to me.
Well I got the job. Back in September with 6 months to spare, I got the promotion that makes me a vital and decently-paid part of a university department, with retirement benefits and health insurance, and a job that I'm happy to describe to anyone I went to high school with. Most importantly, I have people at work with whom I enjoy collaborating, and I feel like my skills and talents are rewarded and appreciated. That's huge, and I'm so glad to have found it.
And the marriage part? That's not a fear at this point- I've been so happy with Robert for 5 years now that when we do get married it isn't so much a tie someone down, I'm never going to be alone thing as it is a celebration of the life we've built up with each other. I don't even sweat that one.
But the weight...oh the weight. I have less than a month. There's no hitting my goal weight. There's no being under 200. There is only whatever I can do between now and March 11th...and that feels so much like failure that I kinda want to puke, right here as I'm typing this.
So my goal, to finally answer week 1's challenge, isn't a number at all. It's just to remind myself that 30 isn't the big deal it seemed like in high school- I'm going to be around for a long LONG time past this, and the friends and support and healthy habits I carry into March 12th and past that are going to make 30 such a great year to look back on.
Deep breath. Challenge accepted.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Robert thinks yesterday was the first time he really saw a difference in me. Yesterday I had challenges at work; I had sole responsibility for things, and I handled them without needing a lot of external support to believe I could in fact do my job. He was really proud of me, and I hadn't really even noticed it. Isn't that weird? I worried, even about how much I was worrying, and I didn't notice when I started to worry a little bit less. Huh...
Thursday, October 17, 2013
In the last couple weeks I have finally realized two very non-scale-related dreams. I finally took my shiny new health insurance card and went to a doctor. I'm pretty healthy, by the way, which it's nice to have confirmation of backed by an actual medical professional. And she and I talked for a long time about anxiety and depression, and in addition to advising me to visit with a therapist she recommends, she prescribed anti-anxiety meds for me. I thought this was a big deal- I have been struggling with this my whole life; I have felt despair and isolation, and fear, and (obviously) obssessive anxiety about this decision. I know I've spoken to my family about it many times, and gotten words of caution for the most part, about embarking on anything.
Then I found out, over the course of the last week, that my sister was taking something for a while, my dad knew the name of the medication I was prescribed (and told me, "Oh yeah, that's a good one."), and I already knew that my mom has tried this route along the way as well. So I'm just wondering, was I interpreting them wrong when we talked in the past? Was I overthinking the whole thing? Am I the nuttiest one in the bunch because I worried myself into a frenzy over something that should have been easy?
Either way, I'm trying it now, and whatever anyone else's experience may have been, I have my chance here to improve a piece of my life that has always been in the "to-do" column.
The other part is much nicer. It took three years of wheedling, but I actually got Robert into an eye doctor's office. Yesterday we picked up his new glasses, the first new glasses the man has gotten since high school. And God- what a difference! They're sparkling new and clean, he can see colors brighter (!), and they look grown-up and professional, and really nice.
I'm very proud of him, and of both of us, for continuing to have these little victories. They're such simple things, all of them, but they've been such a struggle until now that each one I get to check off means that much more. It finally feels like we aren't in some dead-broke holding pattern of waiting for "real life" to start. I like it.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
I haven't lost any weight since May. It's no great surprise, really, since I haven't had a single walk, and only half a dozen yoga classes, in the past 5 months. And all the best intentions of cooking and healthy dinners in the world couldn't stand up to my new hour-long commute from downtown.
But I can't exactly regret the time, either. After several years of the drifting through unemployment, and "under-employment" of varying kinds, I finally have a job that pays enough to live on. And provides health insurance. And retirement. There really isn't a substitute for knowing that I'm making an equal contribution to Robert's.
I'm finally ready for more than just that simple fact of employment, though. I have to believe we're in a better place for a reason, and that reason has to be so that we can take better care of ourselves. So I've come back here, not just to remind myself to lose weight, but to find a balance. There were things about our neccessarily simplicity-driven life that I liked, and don't want to lose. I don't want to focus all of my energy on work, and lose our connection to each other and our home. I want to work, not to build a bank account, but to build a list of successes, things I'm proud of achieving with my work.
I have a few of those to report already. I'll do that here next.
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