Sunday, August 24, 2014
If you are starting ANY sentence with this phrase it is probably a sentence you should not finish!!!
As long as we continue to pretend benign racism is acceptable we are part of the problem. I have been asking my father for years to quit using outdated terms for different groups of people. It has gotten to where it seems he does it as a direct insult to me. I am not going to tolerate it anymore!
He used a racial slur ONE time in my house & my son immediately repeated it in a sentence 'What does --- mean, Mom?' I took my son into the other room & explained the word & why we NEVER use it. I then went to my dad & told him if he ever used that word again in our presence that he would never be allowed in my home & would not see Mikhail again.
I know the other terms he uses are outdated at best. Racist at worst. Either way, he is going to stop using them in my presence or I will end my relationship with him. The other day I again corrected him & he actually said, 'It doesn't matter.' & HUNG UP ON ME!
That is disrespectful. If this was the only place he showed such blatant disrespect I might be more forgiving, but he won't even use my name in my sister's presence because he doesn't want to 'upset her'! But, I have to listen to junk about my mom, my grandpa, my sisters, people of different races, religions, etc....
The only reason I have overlooked this for as long as I have is because my dad was born & raised in MT. He is 70 years old so I have cut him slack for 'ignorance', but I have come to realize it is FEIGNED ignorance. That is way worse than real ignorance. He knows better, but doesn't care!
I had no idea that the level of racism was still so high in this country. I guess I've liked being in my little pink bubble thinking it was imaginary. I've learned so much these last 2 weeks that I am absolutely horrified by. The news actually makes me ill. How is this still happening in 2014???
I will not allow bigotry in any form in my life from here on out. I quit listening to bigoted jokes years ago. I quit repeating them years before that. Now, if I know it's wrong I HAVE to say something! Silence seems to be a bigger part of the problem than I ever gave it credit.
We need to bring this out into the light so it can die a proper death!
Thursday, August 21, 2014
You all know Robin Williams death really hit me hard, but this is where I am with it now.
There comes a time when you just need to cry...let it out. We then need to go back to remembering the people we loved for the reasons we loved them...not for their death.~LisaGail
Unfortunately, there are probably more contributing factors to Robin Williams' death than we will ever know. I've heard so many theories I had to quit listening. One that stands out is a medication he was on that may have caused suicidal thoughts. That makes sense to me. I HAD IT HAPPEN!!!
Now I am remembering all the great things Bipolar was to him. I honestly believe that part of his genius was from his Bipolar. I read yet another article that puts a direct correlation between mental illness & creativity. One doesn't make the other, but there is a disproportionately larger distribution of creativity in the 'mentally ill'.
The other great thing is that Robin Williams' death has given me a new call to educate & advocate for Bipolar! I've been LOUD & PROUD for years, but I was starting to forget I had a calling!
This really tickled me...
My mom hated Robin Williams...all comedians really, so I was thinking about them being in Heaven together. I can just picture Robin with his index finger pointing about an inch from my mom's arm & my mom screaming, 'God, He's touching me!'. I actually LOL when I pictured it!
At the beginning of the month I had my annual. I had blood in my urine so it set off a string of extra tests. They even ran a string of STD testing that I told them wasn't necessary. Lenny & I have been together almost 14 years & of course that all came back okay. I had to have a uterine ultra sound for some scary phrases like sloughing off, unusual bleeding and uterine cancer. I had surgery for endometriosis over 20 years ago so there was some concern of it's return. I wasn't at all worried I thought but I sure was relieved when it all came back normal! One fibroid? that seems of no concern.
I hadn't had a mammogram in 7 years (I KNOW I KNOW!) so I had that done too. It came back good as well. I NEVER miss an annual. I'm not sure why I put off the mammogram so long. It wasn't near as bad as I remembered. It was kind of cool...she told me that muscle on my chest (right in front of my armpit) might get in the way a bit....I never had a muscle there before. LOL
I haven't spoken to Samantha since her 'drugged & robbed' incident. On FaceBook I sent her a message that said, 'I love you'. That's all. Then last weekend out of nowhere she sent me a request for a game of Words with Friends. I decided to not answer the request until the next morning because I KNEW there was more to it. Sure enough the next morning there was a note asking me to 'babysit'. I told her I was sorry, she needed to talk to Lenny, declined the game & unfriended her & Gabe both.
The grandsons have been over every week since her incident, but for Nana & Papa days, I have not 'babysat' since then. Gabe has been coming over to drop them off & pick them up except for once she came to get them. I wasn't home.
Lenny finally asked Gabe what happened to Samantha & he immediately started lying. Needless to say, the conversation went bad really fast! I called him a liar to his face. I'm done with that! He & I actually got into a screaming match in part due to him saying that I 'don't know the meaning of trust'! WOW! It's hard to trust the untrustworthy! GEE!!!
Lenny & I even got into a fight over me calling his son a liar...UNTIL I told him exactly how I KNEW Gabe was lying. It's a long story, but he tried lying about Samantha getting mental health care. I KNOW the mental health care system in our state! I've been dealing with it for 17.5 years!!! I've been an advocate in our state! Besides, I don't just blow smoke! If I talk about something I KNOW what I am talking about OR I research it to find out! GAWD!
Lenny went over to their house & confronted Gabe on the lies and straightened him out on a few facts. I don't even know if Gabe knew he was lying about everything or just repeating lies Samantha told him, but either way he is on my 'do not call' list too! They both can only talk to Lenny! Gabe & I apologized to each other for screaming at each other, but as far as I'm concerned that is where our relationship stays.
In other news....
I bought a new computer. I am SO happy! My other one was on it's last leg so I got this one before the old one just never turned on again. I ended up spending about $70 more than I had planned, but I'm not sorry. For Mikhail's school, my writing and just entertainment I consider it a great investment.
Skunk is turning into a very nice cat. I'm glad he came from a family with kids & dogs because I think it helped him fit in better here. He loves Laila! I'm not sure if he considers her a girlfriend or a mom, but either way it's too cute! He's even good with Tiberius! That kind of surprised me. I've never seen a kitten that was so great with a 2 year old. Tiberius is surprisingly gentle with him tho. Especially considering they've had trouble with him & their own kitten....just regular stuff like thinking the cat's tail is for picking him up. I think it helps that we've always taught him how to pet and touch Laila! No hitting or kicking behavior is ever allowed!!! I've even allowed Laila to growl at him if he invades her space. Kids need to know when to back off!
So, there you go...some random thoughts! I love you all.
Friday, August 15, 2014
Thank you everyone who responded to my post yesterday about Bipolar killing Robin Williams. I hope that I didn't worry you about my own mental health. I am not depressed per se. More sad & angry....'Regular emotions'.
It probably is going to seem very strange, but I am having a hard time with the betrayal I feel. I know that Robin Williams had many issues, but I believe in my heart that the chemical imbalance of Bipolar is what ultimately killed him.
I am NOT in any way dismissing depression. I know it's real. I also know that there are environmental & chemical imbalance depressions. They are not the same as Bipolar depression. For somebody with Bipolar to be GRANDIOSE one day & the next be in the pits of Hell is different than any other depression.
One day I think that I can conquer the world. I am the answer. I'm the best at everything I do. The next day I can't get out of bed for the failure I am. Can you see how devastating that could be???
I do not know two Bipolars that are on the same meds. It's a crap shoot. There isn't a perfect combination. No one size fits all so to speak. I have been luckier than most Bipolars with meds working, but even I have been on a dozen antidepressants & another dozen mood stabilizers. Mood stabilizers have done damage to me from me gaining 65 pounds, sleeping 20 hours a day, to making me suicidal.
My last serious thoughts of suicide were a direct result of a mood stabilizer. I would NEVER commit suicide. When my uncle committed suicide when I was 14 was the first time I ever saw my father cry. Trust me..it's not something I would ever do to him. He STILL cries when he talks of that day. I still cry when I think of that day. It's one of my VERY worst memories & God knows I have plenty of them.
The fact that I think Bipolar killed Robin Williams makes me feel horrible. This gift I have learned to embrace took a comedy genius from us way too early. The funny thing is I believe his genius was part of his Bipolar too! He wouldn't have been the great comedian he was if it weren't for Bipolar. Ironic!
The other thing I feel somewhat betrayed by is the fact that nobody seems to be giving any 'credit' to Bipolar for his death. Everyone says he was so depressed. YES...Depression due to Bipolar Disorder!!!
I know none of us will fully understand the reasons behind his suicide. Him & God know. BUT, I KNOW Bipolar played a much bigger part than anyone understands. If he had been depressed because he had Parkinson's, a divorce, money problems or any other thing he may have sought help. If he had a chemical imbalance at that time he might not have been able to.
A chemical imbalance lies to you just the same as drugs &/or alcohol!!! It overwhelms all logic.
For now, I am trying to remember all the great things about being Bipolar. My humor, my insight, my love, my forgiveness, my understanding & empathy are all better BECAUSE of my Bipolar...not in spite of it.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
I haven't been able to write because I am so emotionally devastated by my GIFT Of Bipolar! I have been struggling for awhile, but Robin Williams' death has knocked me down. How can the Gift I have grown to love be so mean??? OMG
I always try to give you the good things about this rotten DISEASE I have, but right now I can't see past it killing people! For all the great things that Robin Williams was his death is just that DEATH...That Bipolar CAUSED!
People keep talking about depression. Depression is only part of it, but it's the deadly part. How dare people say he was selfish or a coward for taking his own life! YOU DON"T KNOW THAT. Maybe he considered his death a relief to his family. Maybe he knew they'd be better off not dealing with his ILLNESS anymore! Maybe that second between life & death he was still questioning himself!
Don't you dare speak ill of something you don't understand! I get it. I don't like it, but I do understand. Sometimes the pain is too much. Sometimes the CHEMISTRY in my brain overwhelms all logic, love, advice or intelligence I have!
Thankfully, I haven't been suicidal for awhile, but it was only 1.5 years since the last time it was a REAL solution to what I am, am not, will be, & can never be!
Logically, I know it would devastate my son. It would destroy a part of his soul.
Intellectually, I know that tomorrow can be a better day.
Mentally, I know depression is part of this Gift of mine.
Chemically, I have NO control!
Hopefully, when the chemicals become imbalanced again the logic, intellect and mental awareness will come to the surface, but as we see in the case of Robin Williams there are no guarantees.
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