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I'm not trying to be racist, but....

Sunday, August 24, 2014

If you are starting ANY sentence with this phrase it is probably a sentence you should not finish!!!

As long as we continue to pretend benign racism is acceptable we are part of the problem. I have been asking my father for years to quit using outdated terms for different groups of people. It has gotten to where it seems he does it as a direct insult to me. I am not going to tolerate it anymore!

He used a racial slur ONE time in my house & my son immediately repeated it in a sentence 'What does --- mean, Mom?' I took my son into the other room & explained the word & why we NEVER use it. I then went to my dad & told him if he ever used that word again in our presence that he would never be allowed in my home & would not see Mikhail again.

I know the other terms he uses are outdated at best. Racist at worst. Either way, he is going to stop using them in my presence or I will end my relationship with him. The other day I again corrected him & he actually said, 'It doesn't matter.' & HUNG UP ON ME!

That is disrespectful. If this was the only place he showed such blatant disrespect I might be more forgiving, but he won't even use my name in my sister's presence because he doesn't want to 'upset her'! But, I have to listen to junk about my mom, my grandpa, my sisters, people of different races, religions, etc....

The only reason I have overlooked this for as long as I have is because my dad was born & raised in MT. He is 70 years old so I have cut him slack for 'ignorance', but I have come to realize it is FEIGNED ignorance. That is way worse than real ignorance. He knows better, but doesn't care!

I had no idea that the level of racism was still so high in this country. I guess I've liked being in my little pink bubble thinking it was imaginary. I've learned so much these last 2 weeks that I am absolutely horrified by. The news actually makes me ill. How is this still happening in 2014???

I will not allow bigotry in any form in my life from here on out. I quit listening to bigoted jokes years ago. I quit repeating them years before that. Now, if I know it's wrong I HAVE to say something! Silence seems to be a bigger part of the problem than I ever gave it credit.

We need to bring this out into the light so it can die a proper death!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KAREN-IS-HERE 8/25/2014 11:27AM

    All in The Family - Tv show was all about bigotry racism ignorance and how idiotic it sounds on the ears a regular creep show of what scary is when it's played out for real.
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KAREN608 8/24/2014 4:12PM

    You've certainly evolved amazingly well considering your Dad! It is hard to be respectful to people who are not respectful to you, no matter who they are.

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GBSLIM 8/24/2014 1:28PM

    It'll die only when the entire human race does :(
Ok, maybe not everyone......

Comment edited on: 8/24/2014 1:29:54 PM

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SYLPHINPROGRESS 8/24/2014 1:06PM

    Then you will be cutting him out of your life.



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GARDENCHRIS 8/24/2014 11:50AM

    I agree with your premise..... but unfortunately we have people on the other side who WILL use the race card to advance whatever agenda they want..... SO it has to be respectful from whatever end of the spectrum you happen to be on.

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LINDA7668 8/24/2014 10:39AM

    I completely agree with you! There should be no place for this in our society. But yet racism and bigotry are alive and well. I have a racially mixed family and I can't tell you how many times we have been the topic of discussions or have been approached by mean spirited people.

And the bigotry goes both ways. I once had a coworker tell me that "the white man held him down." My response was that he needed to quit blaming others for his problems; that he was the only person standing in his way. Surprisingly, he took it very well. Apparently I was the first person to challenge his beliefs.

It will take people of all races and nationalities to put an end to all of this stupid hatred. God help us all if it doesn't stop.


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_RAMONA 8/24/2014 10:36AM

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SANDRALEET 8/24/2014 10:06AM

    There are more unkind self centered unloving people in the warld Have to have justification for all behavior Blame the victim Those we harm think we are better then

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ICECUB 8/24/2014 9:40AM

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AUNTRENEE 8/24/2014 9:39AM

    Amen to that. I hate when people act like that.

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Boooosh!

Friday, August 22, 2014

Today is a day I am so thankful. I just have so much greatness in my life. I commented on another blog about how Lenny says thank you, I love you & I am beautiful most days. Sometimes several times a day. How great is that? What's the best part is the way his blue eyes sparkle when he looks at me. To be able to SEE love in another person's eyes is something I hope everyone gets to experience.

Mikhail is still carrying Skunk around like a baby every day. He loves that cat so much. You know many 13 year olds would lose interest after a day or two. I was a little concerned that would happen, but I should have known better. My son is loyal!

Poor Skunk was exposed to being dressed up! Mikhail found some old outfits that belonged to his 'Club Penguin' plushies. Skunk was not amused. He just laid down. I have to admit it was a great laugh! Poor kitty.

It's almost time for school! Ah, to dust off....my butt! I feel like Summer went by without me accomplishing anything. GADS. We've had an unusually hot summer.

Tiberius turned 2 on August 1. Orion will be 8 in a month. Man, it goes by fast! Orion is starting the 2nd grade! Mikhail is 8/9th....geez. I hope I can still teach him!

I only have a 9th grade education. I did get my GED a couple of years after I dropped out, but I learn along with Mikhail much of the time. School is WAY different than when I was in. I'm very grateful for the opportunity to home school my son. I am 'certified' through the Superintendent of our school district so thankfully it seems my limited education was pretty good. I have to admit tho that I have learned way more on my own than I ever did in school.

I have an issue with authority...it seems.

I'm working pretty hard on getting back to educating & advocating Bipolar. I have my passion back.

With having the memories of my childhood finally returning my life story should be a little easier to write. HA! I'm going to have to rely more on myself now tho because my father is now on my 'do not call' list. At least until he learns some manners!

He uses ignorant names regarding different groups of people & I have asked him for years not to do it while talking to me, but he still does it. I've had enough! It's a level of disrespect I am not going to tolerate anymore. If it were ignorance I might be a little more forgiving, but it's FEIGNED ignorance which I find unacceptable!

Over the last month I have returned to being stronger in standing up for my core belief system & if people can't start respecting it they can go away. I'm not going to keep my mouth shut on matters that are SO important!

My dad's general lack of respect for me is just more obvious when he says things that he KNOWS I think are wrong!

I'm getting off that before I get any more aggravated by it!

I'm going to make today a productive one!

Bipolar Mania!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=60148

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLLYONS51 8/23/2014 10:54AM

  My Dad is visiting right now. As and 86 y/o he has finally mellowed enough that we can actually have a conversation. We home schooled our Grandson a couple of years ago. Took a lot out of us because he was so behind. I admire anyone that can do that in the long term.

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SANDRALEET 8/23/2014 9:29AM

    We each are different Think different reason different Each chose and have that right We each are made by God for his own purpose Some get lost and belong to this warld That is there choice

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BLUEJAY1969 8/22/2014 10:30PM

    I hear you! I too have issues with my father being rude! I finally told him I wasn't going to be calling him if he didn't stop it and miracle of miracles he has been so sweet recently! I know he knew it bugged me but maybe my saying something just finally jogged him enough to make him change!

Great job on homeschooling your children! I don't know where I would have begun when I was raising my daughter!
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Jeanne

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ICECUB 8/22/2014 6:39PM

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GBSLIM 8/22/2014 2:49PM

    Your blessings of love make my heart sing for you.
May your life with Lenny always be loving and
never become just companionable.

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KAREN-IS-HERE 8/22/2014 2:34PM

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KAREN608 8/22/2014 12:40PM

    Cats in Clothes. Need to youtube that!

I know I've had cats and if you put a harness on them they just fall over like they are paralyzed. It is so weird. You have to put harnesses on them from tiny kitten on up for them to accept it. Or most of them.

Some cats like water/swimming and some don't too.
Glad Skunk is working out so well.

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FORZACHANDMATT 8/22/2014 12:28PM

    You have come so far!

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_RAMONA 8/22/2014 11:37AM

    "I have an issue with authority...it seems"
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"To be able to SEE love in another person's eyes is something I hope everyone gets to experience." AMEN! I have that with my Mr.... it has healed so many wounds. I try to keep that at the front of my mind as I parent my daughter, and other lost souls who cross my path.

My Divine Miss O dresses the cat, too... he's a pretty passive old tom... and I think he prefers the doll stroller to walking... no kidding. I think it's an 'only' thing. My daughter freely admits that her stuffies and the cat are her 'brothers and sisters'... it's a healthy need for affection, and an opportunity to learn that relationships can't always be on your terms. The cat will still be a cat no mater what sort of clothes it may be wearing, LOL!

You sound STRONG and FOCUSSED! Glad to hear that voice of yours loud and clear!!!

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SYLPHINPROGRESS 8/22/2014 10:59AM

    What's wrong with this picture? Lenny never tells me that I'm beautiful.

Mikhail's devotion to Skunk is quite sweet. He may think it's funny to dress the baby up, but maybe, just maybe, it's also a way of ridiculing the cat so that he doesn't seem soft? His softness should be a secret? Maybe not, but I have seen kids, i.e, boys, behave offhandedly to hide the caring side -- that adolescent thing. Okay, enough analyzing someone I've not met.

Well, that holds for M. Your father, on the other hand, sounds emotionally juvenile. He insists on saying things that set you on edge because he craves attention? Negative attention is better than no attention?

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Random Thoughts with Lisa G...

Thursday, August 21, 2014

You all know Robin Williams death really hit me hard, but this is where I am with it now.

There comes a time when you just need to cry...let it out. We then need to go back to remembering the people we loved for the reasons we loved them...not for their death.~LisaGail

Unfortunately, there are probably more contributing factors to Robin Williams' death than we will ever know. I've heard so many theories I had to quit listening. One that stands out is a medication he was on that may have caused suicidal thoughts. That makes sense to me. I HAD IT HAPPEN!!!

Now I am remembering all the great things Bipolar was to him. I honestly believe that part of his genius was from his Bipolar. I read yet another article that puts a direct correlation between mental illness & creativity. One doesn't make the other, but there is a disproportionately larger distribution of creativity in the 'mentally ill'.

The other great thing is that Robin Williams' death has given me a new call to educate & advocate for Bipolar! I've been LOUD & PROUD for years, but I was starting to forget I had a calling!

This really tickled me...

My mom hated Robin Williams...all comedians really, so I was thinking about them being in Heaven together. I can just picture Robin with his index finger pointing about an inch from my mom's arm & my mom screaming, 'God, He's touching me!'. I actually LOL when I pictured it!

At the beginning of the month I had my annual. I had blood in my urine so it set off a string of extra tests. They even ran a string of STD testing that I told them wasn't necessary. Lenny & I have been together almost 14 years & of course that all came back okay. I had to have a uterine ultra sound for some scary phrases like sloughing off, unusual bleeding and uterine cancer. I had surgery for endometriosis over 20 years ago so there was some concern of it's return. I wasn't at all worried I thought but I sure was relieved when it all came back normal! One fibroid? that seems of no concern.

I hadn't had a mammogram in 7 years (I KNOW I KNOW!) so I had that done too. It came back good as well. I NEVER miss an annual. I'm not sure why I put off the mammogram so long. It wasn't near as bad as I remembered. It was kind of cool...she told me that muscle on my chest (right in front of my armpit) might get in the way a bit....I never had a muscle there before. LOL

I haven't spoken to Samantha since her 'drugged & robbed' incident. On FaceBook I sent her a message that said, 'I love you'. That's all. Then last weekend out of nowhere she sent me a request for a game of Words with Friends. I decided to not answer the request until the next morning because I KNEW there was more to it. Sure enough the next morning there was a note asking me to 'babysit'. I told her I was sorry, she needed to talk to Lenny, declined the game & unfriended her & Gabe both.

The grandsons have been over every week since her incident, but for Nana & Papa days, I have not 'babysat' since then. Gabe has been coming over to drop them off & pick them up except for once she came to get them. I wasn't home.

Lenny finally asked Gabe what happened to Samantha & he immediately started lying. Needless to say, the conversation went bad really fast! I called him a liar to his face. I'm done with that! He & I actually got into a screaming match in part due to him saying that I 'don't know the meaning of trust'! WOW! It's hard to trust the untrustworthy! GEE!!!

Lenny & I even got into a fight over me calling his son a liar...UNTIL I told him exactly how I KNEW Gabe was lying. It's a long story, but he tried lying about Samantha getting mental health care. I KNOW the mental health care system in our state! I've been dealing with it for 17.5 years!!! I've been an advocate in our state! Besides, I don't just blow smoke! If I talk about something I KNOW what I am talking about OR I research it to find out! GAWD!

Lenny went over to their house & confronted Gabe on the lies and straightened him out on a few facts. I don't even know if Gabe knew he was lying about everything or just repeating lies Samantha told him, but either way he is on my 'do not call' list too! They both can only talk to Lenny! Gabe & I apologized to each other for screaming at each other, but as far as I'm concerned that is where our relationship stays.

In other news....

I bought a new computer. I am SO happy! My other one was on it's last leg so I got this one before the old one just never turned on again. I ended up spending about $70 more than I had planned, but I'm not sorry. For Mikhail's school, my writing and just entertainment I consider it a great investment.

Skunk is turning into a very nice cat. I'm glad he came from a family with kids & dogs because I think it helped him fit in better here. He loves Laila! I'm not sure if he considers her a girlfriend or a mom, but either way it's too cute! He's even good with Tiberius! That kind of surprised me. I've never seen a kitten that was so great with a 2 year old. Tiberius is surprisingly gentle with him tho. Especially considering they've had trouble with him & their own kitten....just regular stuff like thinking the cat's tail is for picking him up. I think it helps that we've always taught him how to pet and touch Laila! No hitting or kicking behavior is ever allowed!!! I've even allowed Laila to growl at him if he invades her space. Kids need to know when to back off!

So, there you go...some random thoughts! I love you all.

Bipolar Mania!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=60148

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLLYONS51 8/22/2014 1:36AM

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KAREN608 8/22/2014 1:10AM

    Glad that skunk is a very nice kitty.

Today the ladies down the road came looking for their yellow cat, and I told her about the Tuxedo cat. Since a stray black male is eating here too, I didn't want to feed 5 cats. So Tux is a couple miles away. I did tell the assorted children he is not used to kids and noise and let him settle in. Not sure how THAT will be. Rita really wanted a Tuxedo cat, though he is blotchy black and white on his body, she still thought he was the cat's meow. Only in the last 3 days have I been able to touch him, tho tame, he was upset. I fear for the poor guy. I told them to get a little wet food and it ought to win him over as previous owner fed that.

You had to be tough on the liars. No use dealing with them. Such a bad habit yet so many young people do that.

It was 77 degrees with 98 % humidity and felt like 90 at 11pm. Now pop up storms.
Ah, August!!! ack.

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EILEEN828 8/21/2014 7:26PM

    Glad to know you're running on all cylinders! As for family, sigh, whatta ya gonna do? Gabe and Samantha, seem intent on taking the long slow torturous route through life. One day they may actually wise up and listen to what you are saying. Gabe is really in a tough spot, but time will eventually show him the way. In the meantime keep enjoying the grandkids. Lucky you to have the fun of a new computer. Wish I had a new kitty, we still can't really have one because of my MIL is very allergic to t hem, which is too bad because she loves them too. Enjoy the rest of the summer.

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ICECUB 8/21/2014 6:43PM

    GOOD YOUR TESTS CAME BACK NORMAL I HAD TO LAUGH AT THE PICTURE OF YOUR MOM AND ROBIN WILLIAMS.

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_RAMONA 8/21/2014 2:50PM

    So glad to see you again!

I LOVE the picture of your mom and Robin Williams in heaven!

I think everyone should be remembered " for the reasons we loved them...not for their death." Well said!

As for the rest... the good, bad and the ugly, may today and every day bring to you a ridiculous abundance of whatever you need. May you find peace within and all around you. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith and desire... a desire which even itself issues from God. May all your concerns, struggles, anxieties and fears fall like ashes as you rise on eagle's wings, SOARING above all that would hinder you along this tremendous adventure of being and becoming all you are created to be. May you answer your call and use those gifts that you have received to pass on the love that has been given to you. May the presence of God settle into your bones and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love beyond your wildest imagination. May you be overwhelmed by the grace of God as it simply "overtakes" you moment by moment... rather than being overwhelmed by the cares of life!

I missed you, and I am so happy to have your voice loud and true in my corner of the world!

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GBSLIM 8/21/2014 12:41PM

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SANDRALEET 8/21/2014 8:37AM

    We like entertainment people put we love our family and friends I can separate them

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My Gift of Bipolar

Friday, August 15, 2014

Thank you everyone who responded to my post yesterday about Bipolar killing Robin Williams. I hope that I didn't worry you about my own mental health. I am not depressed per se. More sad & angry....'Regular emotions'.

It probably is going to seem very strange, but I am having a hard time with the betrayal I feel. I know that Robin Williams had many issues, but I believe in my heart that the chemical imbalance of Bipolar is what ultimately killed him.

I am NOT in any way dismissing depression. I know it's real. I also know that there are environmental & chemical imbalance depressions. They are not the same as Bipolar depression. For somebody with Bipolar to be GRANDIOSE one day & the next be in the pits of Hell is different than any other depression.

One day I think that I can conquer the world. I am the answer. I'm the best at everything I do. The next day I can't get out of bed for the failure I am. Can you see how devastating that could be???

I do not know two Bipolars that are on the same meds. It's a crap shoot. There isn't a perfect combination. No one size fits all so to speak. I have been luckier than most Bipolars with meds working, but even I have been on a dozen antidepressants & another dozen mood stabilizers. Mood stabilizers have done damage to me from me gaining 65 pounds, sleeping 20 hours a day, to making me suicidal.

My last serious thoughts of suicide were a direct result of a mood stabilizer. I would NEVER commit suicide. When my uncle committed suicide when I was 14 was the first time I ever saw my father cry. Trust me..it's not something I would ever do to him. He STILL cries when he talks of that day. I still cry when I think of that day. It's one of my VERY worst memories & God knows I have plenty of them.

The fact that I think Bipolar killed Robin Williams makes me feel horrible. This gift I have learned to embrace took a comedy genius from us way too early. The funny thing is I believe his genius was part of his Bipolar too! He wouldn't have been the great comedian he was if it weren't for Bipolar. Ironic!

The other thing I feel somewhat betrayed by is the fact that nobody seems to be giving any 'credit' to Bipolar for his death. Everyone says he was so depressed. YES...Depression due to Bipolar Disorder!!!

I know none of us will fully understand the reasons behind his suicide. Him & God know. BUT, I KNOW Bipolar played a much bigger part than anyone understands. If he had been depressed because he had Parkinson's, a divorce, money problems or any other thing he may have sought help. If he had a chemical imbalance at that time he might not have been able to.

A chemical imbalance lies to you just the same as drugs &/or alcohol!!! It overwhelms all logic.

For now, I am trying to remember all the great things about being Bipolar. My humor, my insight, my love, my forgiveness, my understanding & empathy are all better BECAUSE of my Bipolar...not in spite of it.

Bipolar Mania!

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ndividual.asp?gid=60148

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BACCAGIRL 8/20/2014 4:37PM

    I also think that having Bipolar, for me, is a gift. In no uncertain terms, I have not always felt this way! When I gained 100lbs I wasn't grateful. When my head injury was looked at as my only diagnosis, I was disgusted! When I hit, what I call. a Bipolar Bounce, I am never humored!


I do, however, think that if Robin's only problem was a "basic depression" he wouldn't have, so quickly folded to the hands of suicide. There are extremely hard times, but there are also really bright times. I just wish that more people could see this illness as a gift and not a curse: it takes a really special person to deal with these mighty blows! I thank God each day for His leadership and guidance as I wander thru my days, successfully!

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CROUCHINGFLEA 8/19/2014 6:57AM

    emoticon I also have bipolar and I love how you call it a gift. I'm just now swinging exactly as you described it from feeling so depressed I could hardly get out of bed to today buzzing with energy and planning for the bazillion things I suddenly think I can get done in one day. It is frustrating for people not to understand how very different it is.

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SLLYONS51 8/15/2014 11:53PM

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KAREN-IS-HERE 8/15/2014 12:20PM

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ICECUB 8/15/2014 11:18AM

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_RAMONA 8/15/2014 9:09AM

    One of the MANY things I appreciate about your blog is your ability to paint a very clear picture of the dynamics of bipolar: "If he had been depressed because he had Parkinson's, a divorce, money problems or any other thing he may have sought help. If he had a chemical imbalance at that time he might not have been able to. A chemical imbalance lies to you just the same as drugs &/or alcohol!!! It overwhelms all logic."

I don't think most people really 'get' just how complex it is to be bipolar, unless they are fortunate to know someone who is. I have more than one Bipolar friend, and its long been obvious to me that "My humor, my insight, my love, my forgiveness, my understanding & empathy are all better BECAUSE of my Bipolar...not in spite of it."

...and even without any diagnosis, I often wonder where I am on the continuum that is brain chemistry. I know I 'cycle'... I can feel it, though my highs and lows rarely tip outside anything anyone else would notice as unusual... though they happen completely disconnected from ME, or my circumstances i.e. up when I should be down, and down when I should be up. I am very conscious of watching myself function within that dynamic.

THANK YOU for yet another truly helpful glimpse into the world as you see it.

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Comment edited on: 8/15/2014 2:23:22 PM

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SANDRALEET 8/15/2014 9:02AM

    Mental illness is to me not a gift Its whot we live trough with help It kills many Destroys life by keeping you to be all you can be Hurts family

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Bipolar KILLED Robin Williams

Thursday, August 14, 2014

I haven't been able to write because I am so emotionally devastated by my GIFT Of Bipolar! I have been struggling for awhile, but Robin Williams' death has knocked me down. How can the Gift I have grown to love be so mean??? OMG

I always try to give you the good things about this rotten DISEASE I have, but right now I can't see past it killing people! For all the great things that Robin Williams was his death is just that DEATH...That Bipolar CAUSED!

People keep talking about depression. Depression is only part of it, but it's the deadly part. How dare people say he was selfish or a coward for taking his own life! YOU DON"T KNOW THAT. Maybe he considered his death a relief to his family. Maybe he knew they'd be better off not dealing with his ILLNESS anymore! Maybe that second between life & death he was still questioning himself!

Don't you dare speak ill of something you don't understand! I get it. I don't like it, but I do understand. Sometimes the pain is too much. Sometimes the CHEMISTRY in my brain overwhelms all logic, love, advice or intelligence I have!

Thankfully, I haven't been suicidal for awhile, but it was only 1.5 years since the last time it was a REAL solution to what I am, am not, will be, & can never be!

Logically, I know it would devastate my son. It would destroy a part of his soul.

Intellectually, I know that tomorrow can be a better day.

Mentally, I know depression is part of this Gift of mine.

Chemically, I have NO control!

Hopefully, when the chemicals become imbalanced again the logic, intellect and mental awareness will come to the surface, but as we see in the case of Robin Williams there are no guarantees.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLLYONS51 8/15/2014 2:06AM

  Very well said. Nobody knows the darkness of this disease quite like someone who lives it.

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EILEEN828 8/14/2014 3:59PM

    Big hugs. I 'm not sure what to offer for advice, except to say I hope you continue to reach out to people, most especially your family. This is so not easy and if there were pat answer to the problem, there would probably be no problem. Keep track of how these symptoms develop, perhaps there is a way to prevent a tip in your balance. i apologize if this seems to be a really stupid thing to say, you probably have been doing this all along. I have very little practical knowledge of dealing with bipolar and depression other than knowing what it is, what it can do, and having had another friend once who had this problem. Please know that I support and love you, you are a very good friend.

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COASTAL6 8/14/2014 3:14PM

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GBSLIM 8/14/2014 2:08PM

    I am so emoticon
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CROUCHINGFLEA 8/14/2014 1:57PM

    Well said! I'm struggling with the depression part of my bipolar right now. Intellectually I know that nothing is wrong, everything is going smooth, but I have no control over the chemical part of it!

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ICECUB 8/14/2014 1:49PM

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KAREN-IS-HERE 8/14/2014 1:48PM

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KATWAYMOR 8/14/2014 12:24PM

    I feel your pain... OH, HOW I FEEL YOUR PAIN--- cyber hugs to you dear soul. I'm sending you healing and as well as positive thoughts. Be well and remember that we are all in this daily struggle. Tomorrow is in fact another day.

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SANDRALEET 8/14/2014 12:17PM

    I have plan depression Yes it can get so bad you want to kill yourself No up side just down if it can not be controlled

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TURTLESLOW14 8/14/2014 12:14PM

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WEARINGTHIN 8/14/2014 12:11PM

    Robin was a good guy. He will be missed. May I recommend turning off your TV. (Just thought it might help.) Best wishes to you, Glenn

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_RAMONA 8/14/2014 12:09PM

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Comment edited on: 8/14/2014 12:09:44 PM

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