Monday, February 07, 2011
I think that I am over the flu for the most part. Yay!
Today I am working. That is good. I also have my day planned out. Work. Meals. Exercise (Zumba if the roads aren't bad or Kathy Smith Weight loss workout if they are), take Daughter to 4H. Dinner is still in the air, but since it is at home I can be sure that I keep it healthy and with in my calorie budget.
Food yesterday was awful. We had a lunch at Church and then my thirteen year old had a Superbowl party for his cousins. We had a great time but I had several deep-fried, buffalo wings. We had healthier fare such as baked chips, dips made with 2% velveeta, a fruit tray, laughing cow cheese and pretzels, but it still was a day of overindulgence.
Last night after everyone left I sat up late looking through Fitness Magazine and found a few more inspirational pictures and phrases for my vision collage. I have made my vision collage a work in progress. Instead of making it all at one time, I am adding pieces as I go. It is coming along nicely. It is about 2 ft tall by 1 ft wide and covers the "Snack cabinet" in the kitchen. I figure once I am done I can create a small one in the bathroom and maybe another in my bedroom, maybe a tiny one in my car. Lots of places to keep my dreams in the front of my ADD mind! Lol! After I was done I took a picture of it and put it as the wallpaper on my cellphone. That way I have to face my dreams 40 times a day!
As for my overindulgence, yesterday is behind me and today is a new day, Today I will stay within my calorie counts, exercise, and drink my water to get rid of the excess bloat. I will stay within my calorie range and eat my fruits and veggies.
Life will be good. I will be good. On to my goals!
Saturday, January 29, 2011
I wrote this a few days ago and had internet problems and couldn't post it. So here it is.
Today’s topic is progress…
I have been doing this healthy lifestyle change, for well…many, many, years. It was in 2001 I joined 3FC and really began to learn about healthy eating. I would follow diet plans, lose a few pounds, and give up and gain it all back plus more.
I always wanted to run again. I had been a distance runner in high school and had always wanted to run a 5K, and a marathon. Life got in the way of those dreams. I had a baby at 17, was working two jobs and going to high school, then working and going to college, and then on to have more babies. My family became my life and I comforted myself with the fact that I might be unhealthy, but I was a good mom, and my kids were happy and that is what mattered. I was delusional.
I developed arthritis at 28, had my gall bladder and a lipoma removed in 2001. That should have been a wake up call, but it wasn’t. I continued to eat junk, drinking 6-8 Coke’s a day. I developed stomach problems that they never diagnosed. I would have stomach pains…starting out like heart burn or a gall bladder attack (which had been removed, but they left the ducts which means you can still have attacks!) and quickly morphing into the worst pain I had ever experienced! (This comes from a woman who gave birth to her four children naturally. No drugs of any kind.) It was in 2008 when I got really angry about my health; I had developed arthritis, and excruciating stomach problems; and I got mad and decided enough was enough. After many tests to try to diagnose my stomach problems, (which were never diagnosed. They did rule out cancer and Chrone’s disease, but other than that who knows what was wrong?) I took matters in my own hands. I decided that all the soda I was drinking could not have been good for my stomach. So I quit. Cold turkey. I switched from regular soda to Kool-aid, and then to water. The only beverages I drink now are water, tea, lemonade, and an occasional Kool-aid or wine. I also started working out. On July 4th, 2008 I decided that was my own personal independence day and I started walking everyday for 45 minutes to an hour. Within a few weeks I tried running again, but struggled. Then I found the “Couch to 5K” running program and began again. I lost 30 pounds and felt so much better about myself. But as winter moved in I lost my resolve and gained the weight back. This cycle has went on with varying degrees of success for the last few years.
Some habits I picked up along the way I kept. I eat more veggies. I read everything I can get my hands on about health and nutrition (My sister likes to say I know everything there is to know about fitness and health.) I still do not drink soda. I drink loads of water. I still run. In March 2010 I ran my first 3K….but I’m still obese.
It’s the food that is a problem, through all the things I have done. The food keeps me fat.
The thing is…I don’t even like the junk anymore. I don’t crave the junk food. I snack on Fiber One bars, clementines, and apples. I don’t restrict any type of food, but if it’s a problem I won’t buy it. When it’s that time of the month and I am craving Ben & Jerry’s Phish food ice cream, I have to drive ten miles to get it. Sometimes it is worth the drive for me, sometimes it’s not, but the choice is mine. There is no more mindless eating for me. I track every calorie. I account for every bite. Even though I am eating less, I am not hungry.
As for my heath problems, my arthritis only bothers me when I get lazy and don’t workout. My stomach problems are nearly non-existent. I occasionally have a stomach pain that reminds me of the former “attacks,” but they never progress to excruciating. There are no mad dashes to the ER. My blood pressure is good, cholesterol is within normal limits, things are good.
So I know that this new sparkdiet is still new to me. But I know that if I stay focused I can stick with it, and my new lifestyle changes I am making along this journey will become habits. Here’s to losing 72 more pounds!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
I have goals. I have had goals all my life. I have written down these goals. Thought about these goals. Tried to attain these goals, but something always stops me. Derails me. Sidetracks me. I have discovered it is my own fear. Fear of what?? I don't know for sure. Perhaps it is a fear of failure, fear of success, fear of change... maybe a mixture of all three. Who knows. I have come to realize that whatever my goal...I tend to self sabotage myself. I have been doing this "getting healthy" thing for years. Since at least 2001. And I am still bigger than when I was 9 months pregnant with any of my four children! As a matter of fact, despite my best efforts, I continually get larger!
I have moderate amounts of success. I will workout, eat healthy and lose 25-30 pounds, but that is usally the mimit. I fall off the wagon, get lazy, stop exercising, and when the holidays come, every time, I gain at least some of the weight back. I am happy to say that I came out of my holiday eating funk in time to stop myself before I gained back everything I had lost this summer. Still...it's depressing. That I can not overcome my innate need to destroy myself is depressing, saddening, crazy.
The good part is I recognize this. This year I stopped myself from getting bigger than my highest weight ever. That is a win. That is improvement. That is progress.
I have been reading, THE SPARK. I am now on Chapter two and am re-setting my goals. I realize that this is a work in progress. I realize that my goals need to be kept in the forefront of my mind. They need to be there so that I won't forget. So the sidetracks become shorter and shorter, and the stop signs disappear altogether. I am doing several things to make this happen.
The first is my Vision collage. I took a large piece of white paper and covered the front of one of my kitchen cabinets with it. (It is covering my "snack" cabinet.) On it I have glued a few motivating items. A cartoon drawing of a teacher, a blackboard saying "best teacher", several pictures of the ocean, a picture of a woman running...these things are things I want for myself. Things that motivate me. Right now there is still a great deal of blank spots left. That is so my vision collage can change. Along this journey I fully expect to find new things I wanna try, new things to experience, so I wanna leave lots of room for those motivating things as well. Plus, I am not done growing yet...so who knows where my vision collage will take me.
I am also writing my goals out. Positively stated. With deadlines.
Deadlines are scary. Deadlines typically suck. Deadlines mean that you have to so something, you don't wanna do, by this certain time or bad things will happen to you. Don't pay your bill by the deadline, pay a late fee. Don't turn your homework in on time...fail. Don't get that project done for work...get fired. Yep, Deadlines suck. But this time I am looking at deadlines differently...well, sort of. These deadlines are good things. They will keep me on track toward the bigger things. If I don't meet these deadlines...then the bad things will happen. The bad thing...me, feeling like a failure.
I am tired of feeling like a failure. I always envision myself as a winner. If you wanna be a winner, you have to act like a winner, and that means MEETING DEADLINES!!
Here are some exercises I did this morning to help me meet come up with my new goals.
Here are some questions to help you think "on purpose" about your goals:
• What do you really love to do and excel at and why?
I love to teach. That is what I was made to do. When I am in a classroom that is when I am truly happy. I completed one of my life goals in 2009. I went back to college and received my Bachelor’s degree on Elementary Education. Since then, I have been unable to find a job. The education budget has been continually cut, and experienced teachers are losing their jobs. Because of this, I can only find work as a substitute teacher. Sub work is great. I love it. But it doesn’t pay the bills. I don’t work consistently and I am falling further and further behind on my rent. It is frustrating to have worked so hard…for nothing.
My goal: To get a teaching job for the 2011-2012 school year.
What I need to do to get there:
• Rework portfolio and submit to my teacher-friends to review by Valentine’s Day.
• Receive feedback and make final drafts of portfolio by March 1, 2011.
• Research school systems within an hours drive of my home and submit portfolios and applications to them by March 30th, 2011.
• Research school system websites daily for jobs beginning March 1, 2011.
• Visit Principal’s (& Superintendents) at schools with job openings within 2 days of job posting.
• Send thank you letters to Principals within 2 days of interviews or meeting them.
• What was your best moment? Day? Week? Why was it so good? Break down the elements of each to find insights that might help shape your purpose.
I’m not sure about my best day. My best day in my relationship with my boyfriend was the day of my friends wedding. My boyfriend was so sweet and attentive that day. I caught the bouquet, and the whole day was beautiful.
My Goal: I would like to have a relationship where I feel that I am cared for and loved.
Also, when I crossed the finish like to the 3K I finished last March.
My Goal: To run a 3K on March 12th in less than 23 mins.
* I will run 3 times a week following C25K.
• If your life had a highlight reel, what would be on it?
My high school days of running track and cross country . We had a tradition on the cross country team that on the night we played the next county, rival team, we would run the football to the game. I ran 16 miles. The entire way. Various other races where I attained my personal bests. Moments when I was important and necessary in my nieces lives, becoming a mother, caring for my kids, receiving my Associates and my Bachelors degree, times when I helped others.
• What kind of difference would you like to make that would benefit others?
I am poor. For years I have thought I am so poor, that there isn’t much that I can do to make the world a better place. I was wrong. I found a cause “Operation Christmas Child” that brings Christmas and Jesus’ message to children in other countries that otherwise have nothing. You fill a shoebox with toys, clothes, books, and necessities (Such as toothbrushes, toothpaste, combs, washcloths, etc.) and OCC takes them to to her countries bringing to the children the story of Christ and Christmas. For a few simple dollars you can make a child’s dream come true. (If you have never heard or seen this, look on youtube.com for videos of the gifts being delivered. It’s amazing to watch the joy a simple shoebox brings these children.)
My Goal: Have 12 shoeboxes ready to send to OCC by November 2011, and have the $60 it will cost to ship them, saved.
My Goal: Visit www.Makeachildsmile.com monthly and send at least 3 children cards.
My being overweight affects others. My children over the years picked up my poor nutrition habits. If I die at a young age because I am obese, my children will have no one to care for them.
My Goal: I will decrease my weight by a total of 82 pounds by October 30, 2011.
*I will obtain healthy eating habits and fitness habits.
*I will workout for 30 mins 5x’s a week.
* I will track my calories DAILY recording everything I eat.
* I will lose twenty pounds by February 28, 2011.
*I will run a 3K on March 12, 2011.
*I will run a 5K by April 2011.
*I will lose 40 pounds by April 30, 2011.
*I will lose 60 pounds by July 30, 2011.
*I will run a 5K by September 2011.
*I will lose 80 pounds by September 30, 2011.
There... That's a start!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
I'm overweight. Yeah, I know it. No wait, on second thought, that is not correct. I am obese. 3 points over "obese" actually, as my BMI is an embarrassing 33. It's disheartening. Nobody wants to be fat. No one wants to get fat. Especially not me.
Fat is ugly. Fat is unhealthy. Fat can kill you. Being fat is not cool, not sexy, not "in." It's your fat that gives others a reason to shun you, to ignore you, to not employ you because you are overweight. If your fat you know what I'm talking about. The way others eyes glaze over when they first meet you. You know instantly you were judged- not on what type of person you are- but by what size body you arrived in. It's the last tolerated form of discrimination, and some people think they have a right to treat you badly because you allowed yourself to get fat, or to be fat.
They don't understand how hard it is. How hard I work to look like the person who is on the outside, what I am on the inside. They don't know that I can run a mile in my obese body. How I can Zumba right along with the rest of the class and not have to take a break. How I can do the "insanity" workouts- without vomiting. They don't understand how I do all this and I am still overweight.
Being overweight is not fun. It's not pretty.
Take getting dressed this morning. I pulled out a pair of size 18 brown dress pants this morning that I had gotten for Christmas and was ecstatic they fit without pulling in the wrong places. Now came the hard part...finding a shirt(s) that wouldn't hug my fat belly and emphasize what everyone already knows...I'm fat. I tried on a beautiful sweater that a friend gave me. Too tight. I looked in the bathroom mirror hating what I saw and making fun of the image. I made a sound like a wounded elephant, "RRReeeaaaawwhhhhh" at myself, feeling miserable and giddy at the same time. I tried on the next sweater, a large. I should have known better right there. Since Christmas it has been strictly X-L for me. I make the sound again, laughing at my foolishness, my immaturity, and returned to the bedroom for the last sweater. Again, too tight, but promising- when I lose five more pounds, so I make a face in the mirror and return to the bedroom. This time I put on a sleeveless, purple, sweater I had gotten for Christmas, with a white cardigan (Cause nobody needs to see these arms yet!), and this outfit is a winner. I rush to put my make up on, and prepare to leave. Glad that trying part of my day is over.
I'm not stupid. I've read the sparkpeople help articles, the Dr. Phil book...I know self deprecation leads to a healthy lifestyle failure. It's just when I am alone, and hating what I see in the mirror. I just can't stop myself.
So today I resolve to do better. I am better than the people who judge me. I am better than the ridicule I put myself through. I am better, and now it's time to prove that.
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