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Honesty

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

I have to be honest with myself, I keep telling myself this all the time, but never go through with it. Today, I'm ready to be honest, I know I wont like most of it, but it's time to face it and go forward. You can't fix what you don't acknowledge, right??

The past few months, I've been living each day thinking, tomorrow will be better, I'll get it right tomorrow. Today, it hit me, I'm ALWAYS telling myself this and I'm never getting to tomorrow, I'm always stuck looking at my mistakes from the past. I need to learn to look forward and look up. It isn't going to be easy, but I will do this, for myself.

Sometimes I wish I could just throw the past few months away and pretend they didn't happen, but they did.....I can not deny this anymore. I didn't work out when I could have, I made horrible food choices....which I totally knew what I was doing, I made excuses for not working out and eating poorly. A weekend away, I don't feel good, I'm way to tired, I have a headache, my stomach hurts too much, we NEVER go out to eat so why not enjoy just this once, I'll start over tomorrow, and my latest, I'll let myself do what I do until the 1st and then it's back on track for me. Well, I will no longer let myself fall on these excuses. I know I can't hide from myself any longer. I need to blog as much as I can, it will only help me be accountable for those moments. If I know that I'll report in during the day on how things are going, it will make me think twice about much I really don't feel well or how bad my headache really is.

I've noticed that I do great on my food during day and then when I get home from work for dinner, I don't record ANYTHING! I just tell myself there is no way I'll eat over 800 calories at night.....but it's amazing how fast things add up. I have made it two days now being 100% honest on what I'm eating.....and two days in a row, I'm within my calorie range. It's taken work, I grab something to eat, record before I eat and then put it back and make a better choice. I remind myself, it'll still be there tomorrow if I really want and I can adjust what I eat tomorrow to account for it. Surprisingly, I have felt satisfied for the past two days food wise, I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything.

I've also noticed I make so many excuses to NOT go to the gym. I mean really, do I really need to make excuses for this?!?!? I'm only hurting myself and fooling myself. I used to LOVE to workout. Lately, I enjoy it once I'm there, but getting is so hard. I work until 6pm, by the time I get to the gym and get started, it's 6:30pm. I like to try and do 45 minutes of cardio 4X week and life weights on the weekend. By the time I'm done with cardio it's anywhere from 7:15pm-7:30pm. I then make it home and shower, and no matter how fast I try and shower, it takes FOREVER. I'm usually just getting ready to make dinner around 8:15pm. I LOVE to cook, but find it hard on the days I'm at the gym (during the work week) due to time. So, usually my husband and I are on our own for food on these nights, which isn't always so bad. By the time I eat, it's almost 9:00pm.....never mind any errands I may need to run or anything else I need to do. I'm one of those people that NEEDS sleep.....and LOTS of it. I'd like to say I'm not, but let's face it, I need my sleep. If I'm not in bed by 10:30pm, the next day will be horrible. I also have problems sleeping, so really I try and be in bed by 10:00pm so I know I should get a few hours of sleep. The gym can be tough.....it's so easy to talk myself out of it when I'm tired or have a lot to do!

One of the last issues I'm coming to terms with that 'helps' me make excuses for everything, is one that I don't like to admit, but once I came to terms with it, I felt a whole lot better. While my friends and family know I want to be healthier and they know I'm not happy the size I am, I can't honestly say I feel like I have the support I need. My husband is great, he knows what I'm trying to do, but I haven't come to terms yet to tell him my weight and exactly how much I want to lose. I just can't face the idea of being honest and giving an actual number, I'm so embarrassed by this! He loves me the way I am, which I'm thankful for, but I'm starting to think it's hurting my progress a little. It's so easy to eat a little more or not go to the gym when he's telling me he loves a woman with curves. LOL....to me, they aren't curves though. He loves to go out for dinner and enjoy food, and I think sometimes he doesn't know how to say no to my ideas and doesn't want to hurt me. My family......because I live away from all of them, they don't really realize what I'm wanting/trying to do. I'm finding it easier and easier to avoid going home to see them so that I can 'attempt' to stay on track.....which obviously isn't working.

Well, enough for the night, I must try and get some sleep. I've totally rambled on tonight and probably make no sense at all. I feel a little better getting some of my 'secrets' off my shoulders and put them out there. I'm sure I'll find even more as time goes on. I hope you all have a good night!!

  
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BIGDOG1969 6/28/2012 10:56AM

    As I guy, I understand your frustration - my wife tried to lose weight for years, and I was "supportive", but not truly supportive. She tried every type of diet pill and fad diet, and I didn't have to so I just nodded and offered my blessing (aka known as "support". Guys don't get it sometimes.) I wasn't happy with most of her weight loss "plans" because they seemed too harsh, restrictive, etc. And I didn't want to participate. The changed when my doctor told me about my diabetes. Now we are working together (after convincing her to try Sparkpeople, which is the only plan she uses now - with much success.) Anyway, you have a huge support network here. My wife and I have entirely different needs, boith nutritionally and fitness wise. So were not always on the same page, but we encourage each other and get results together. I hope it doesn't take a diagnosis like I got to have your husband come around. Either way, you are not alone here. Best of luck and continues success, because you have take a giant step in the right direction.

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CHANGINGKRISTIN 6/27/2012 9:56PM

    I completely understand how you feel! My friends, family, job, whatever have always come first. It's so hard to try and put myself first, and make a change for my life. My husband has never had a weight problem. He can eat whatever he wants, whenever he wants and he might gain like 5 pounds, but all he needs is one day of eating right and he loses it! I'm the complete opposite ... if I have a bad day it takes me a week to take off the weight I gain. Don't get me wrong, he's supportive of what I'm trying to do, but he doesn't understand and its hard when you don't have that immediate support. For instance, he doesn't understand why I can't just eat ice cream if I want ice cream, he tries, but like your husband, he loves me how I am.

Just know that you have support here, we're all going through what sounds like the same thing!! Yes, its hard, and yes, it sucks, but we can do it. We are not just trying to change one little thing, we are all making huge life changes, and they won't be easy, and there will be set backs, but we can do it!! Anytime you need support, I'm probably going through the same thing

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VANESSASPATZ 6/27/2012 12:08AM

    We have all been there. BTW- I went through the same exact thing as far as excuse makign and I realized that (at least for me and my situation) I was having issues with really loving and caring for myself. I am the dependable daughter, friend, mother, sister, cousin, you name it! Whatever anyone needs I was there for them but when it came down to my wants or needs, it was like Cinderella going to the ball. "IF the house is clean, WHEN the errands are taken care of, ONLY if so and so finished whatever." I realized I was a major codependent and although I was unhappy and was completely in control of those things that could improve my state, I chose to place other's needs befeore my own. I had to make a serious commitment to myself because I deserve it and because truthfully I am a better wife, sister, daughter, mother, friend and all around human being when I am in a place of happiness and serenity. once I made that commitment to myself and in a kind but firm manner made it clear to EVERYONE around me that I had made that commitment to myself and would ot break it for anyone (even me and my excuses) - it became second nature. I was exhausted today and not going to the gym did not even cross my mind. It was like it wasn' even an option. And I felt better after my run- I was still tired, but I felt better. You can do it and guess what else!? Those months you want to throw away.... there! They are gone! You don't need to look back at them because they didn't happen and they don't matter. What matters is you are starting right tomorrow. emoticon

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FENWAYGIRL18 6/26/2012 11:37PM

    I'm glad you feel a little better to get some of your secrets out and u know what we've all done that been there!
You just need to believe in yourself, the calories add up quick... if you feel like u have to have a snack buy skinny cows omg a fudge bar so thick and chocolatey only 100 calories!!!! get a cup of blueberries or a banana ..... lettuce , tomatoes have hardly any calories in it... i like getting lavish bread and putting lettuce and tomatoes with a little fat free Italian dressing and omg it's less then 140 calories!!!!!!
You can do this , love yourself to do it for yourself and no one else! emoticon

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Has this really happened?!?!?!

Wednesday, June 06, 2012

So, I feel like I’m really not sure where I’ve been the past few weeks or what’s been going on! Has it really been a month since I last did a blog??? I was totally on track with what I was doing food and exercise wise as well as feeling like I was getting a pretty good grip on this thing called life. For the past 2+ weeks, I have been MIA from my life! I feel like I’ve been going through the past weeks on auto speed, not thinking about what I’m doing and not thinking about what I need to be doing.

For starters, the moment I can really pinpoint when I came to light was actually Memorial Day weekend.

I’m actually quite embarrassed to put this in here, and I’ve gone back and forth about doing it, but I’ve decided I might as well. I had to drive out of town by myself for my nephew’s birthday party….not a long drive…only 3.5 hours. However, I HATE driving alone, I haven’t made this trip alone in years and didn’t want to go alone. AJ couldn’t go with because he had to work, my brother asked that it was family only, so I couldn’t bring a friend. We had some money issues come up, so I really couldn’t afford to go either, but I was ‘guilted’ into going from my mother and my brother. I think this put me in auto-pilot and I didn’t even think of things. The drive up there wasn’t that bad, but about 30 minutes away, I had to stop and use the bathroom, not a problem. I stopped, did what I needed to do and decided to get some water as well. I then walked down the candy aisle – normally not a problem for me! I don’t know what happened, but the next thing I knew, I was walking about of the store with a few candy bars. Feeling bad about my purchase, I didn’t know what to do. I knew I could make it the 30 minutes to my parent’s house, but I panicked. So what did I do?? I seriously sat in the car and drove the remaining 30 minutes and ate ALL the candy!!! Seriously, I felt sick after…..both because I ate the candy and I’m not used to it and also because I knew what I had done and there was NO reason for it! So, I get to my parent’s house, it was mid-morning, and of course, I didn’t tell a soul about what I had done, I was so embarrassed! Part of my nephew’s birthday was to go out for pizza at a buffet…..not good! However, when I got there, I wasn’t hungry so I just got a small salad and some water. I thought this might work out and I can recover from the damage I had done. We moved the party to my brother’s house for cake and ice cream and presents. I had a small piece of cake – I was still feeling ok about my choices after my massive indulgence. I skipped the ice cream and all the soda and juice and had just water. I left later in the afternoon feeling a little better knowing I could turn this negative around and still come out ok. On my way home, I had to stop and put gas in the car, I wouldn’t have gone inside, but I needed some water to drink. I got some water, and walked out with MORE candy!! Seriously, I have no idea what I was doing! I ate it all of course, and feeling horrible for myself, I stopped and got some dinner at McDonalds – mind you, I NEVER eat fast food – I can’t stand it! Before I knew it, I was ordering off the menu. By the time I got home, I was so upset with myself and totally frustrated! I couldn’t believe I had taken so many steps backwards. I figured, I’d go to the gym on Sunday – which I didn’t!

Monday rolled around, I thought, take advantage of this ‘extra’ day off and go to the gym. I didn’t go……seriously not sure what was going on! My husband and I decided to have an impromptu BBQ for just the two of us with all the goodies. Of course, this meant, there was no planning into this and we went to the store and got whatever we wanted……not good! There was really nothing healthy about this but the chicken we grilled since I got it off SP!

I figured Tuesday, I would definitely go to the gym – it was time to get back on track! I ended up with a nasty kidney infection on Tuesday, missed work, had to go to the doctor, and in way too much pain to do the gym. Friday came around, I was still feeling bad, and was going to be alone since AJ was working that night. I went and got groceries right after work, BIG MISTAKE to do this alone and not feeling well!! I decided I would allow myself to eat whatever looked good Friday night and would get back on track Saturday – total mistake! I indulged on some pretty foods! I wasn’t feeling better until Saturday, but of course, I didn’t make it to the gym. I was going dancing with some friends Saturday night, so I figured, I’d get some good cardio in while having fun. The dancing didn’t turn out too well, my friend had too much to drink and the night ended in major drama! Grrr……

Sunday came, I was so tired from the night/morning before, I didn’t get up to go to the gym. In fact, for some reason, I allowed myself to pretty sleep all day until 2pm. Seriously kicking myself for this! Not only did I not make it to the gym, I didn’t get ANYTHING done!! The good news, I did manage to go for a walk with AJ and Sasha for about 40 minutes Sunday night.

Monday was not so bad, I did my best to eat only what I had planned for. We went to a baseball game and had to have dinner there, so I may have done a little damage, but I tried hard not to do too much. Tuesday, was good – I stayed within my calories and made it to the gym for an hour on the treadmill.

Here I am today, it’s Wednesday early evening. So far today, I have drank all my water, stuck completely to what I had planned to eat so far and I know when I go home we are going to grill lime chicken (recipe from SP) and asparagus. I will have room to allow for some kind of a snack tonight, maybe some popcorn.

I am totally ashamed with how the past week has been. I’ve shared with NOBODY what all I ate. I feel like I’ve gained so much weight, in fact, I didn’t even weigh myself this week due to last weekend. I just knew it would be bad and didn’t want to face it!

I know I can’t control every moment I encounter and I know that I will fall every once in a while, but I never expected something like this to happen. I surprisingly feel better for sharing it, but I’m still so embarrassed! I can’t undo what I did, so I’m going to try and just move forward and up. I have to remind myself to let it go. I can only control what I’m doing right now at the moment and need to learn to let the past go and not let what might happen next scare me. I fully expect when I step on the scale on Saturday that I will have a gain….but I still have to step on the scale….. I have to face this head on…….

  
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VANESSASPATZ 6/26/2012 11:58PM

    Wow! I am glad I'm not alone. I think the worse part of it all for me is that guilt and feeling like you undid all the hard work. THEMOONWITHIN is totally right, we can't be too hard on ourselves. Just recognizing that you did those things and snapping yourself out of it and connecting with SP and your blog again are steps in the right direction. It's been a few weeks since this blog, so how is it going? I'm curious so I'm going to snoop and see what you have been up to. This was just a small bump on a long highway- you are still travelling girl so just continue on he same path you were before. emoticon

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THEMOONWITHIN 6/6/2012 8:13PM

    It sounds like you had quite a few past weeks!

I've fallen off the boat before too, and the best advice I can give is to be gentle with yourself, acknowledge that sometimes there'll be good weeks as well as bad, and do what you can to get back on track without beating yourself up for the past since that can't be changed, but how you use the future days is still within your ability to shape and use how you want to.

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Weekend Recap

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

This weekend was a great weekend! I got to spend the evenings with AJ, got some shopping done and was able to cook 3 separate meals that AJ and I could enjoy together.

AJ somehow managed to be off Friday and work days Saturday and Sunday. This was so awesome to have someone to spend time with at night!

Friday night, we got groceries....yes, this is my excitement starting off the weekend! We grilled pizza's Friday night when we got home. They weren't perfect, but they sure were good! I can't wait to experiment with all kinds of combinations of pizza's this summer on the grill!

Saturday, I was able to take care of some errands and when AJ got home, we went shopping. I have decided, if I have to live in an apartment for one more year, some changes need to happen! We got better lighting for the living room area.....it has made a HUGE difference! We got 3 new lamps and new bulbs, and oh my gosh, I love my living room now! It doesn't feel so dark and gloomy! I made chili-lime rubbed chicken on the grill Saturday and it was so good! It was my first time trying this combination and we both loved it! We enjoyed it with some asparagus and, well, because it's the weekend, a drink.

Sunday, while AJ was at work, I rearranged our spare room by adding the old lamps in and just trying to clean some things out. We don't have a lot of space where we live, so this past year, the spare room closet has become a 'pantry'. We were able to clear this out thanks to some new shelves that we got for the kitchen. I still have a TON of things to go through in this closet, but this sure makes it a bit easier!

I spend the afternoon Sunday making guacamole and pico de gallo for some tasty fajitas that were on the dinner menu that night. I can't believe how much I enjoyed the quiet time to myself Sunday afternoon listening to music and preparing food. It was so nice and relaxing!

Chicken Fajitas were on the menu and they were so good! I was so happy with the turn out on them! I'll try and post the recipes later this week.

I got some good news this weekend, AJ will be working days starting May 10. I'm so excited for this! I miss having him around at night and I need someone around to help me not 'fall' on my habits. Plus, I love the idea of being able to cook more, I've decided that we have to try at least one new recipe a week that we've never done before......I can't wait!

It was a fantastic weekend and I really hope more are to come! Only two more weeks before AJ is working days and we can come back to a little 'normal' in our lives. We are talking of starting a family in the very near future.....I'm super duper excited, but nervous too! I don't know how we'll afford it all, but I know things will work out. (More on this later)

I hope you're having a great week so far, it's almost Wednesday!! Tonight, I'm going to the gym.....are you?

  
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SKINNYBAKERGIRL 4/24/2012 10:16PM

  Sounds like a great weekend! Now I want to grill some pizza...but first...to buy the grill. emoticon

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A mini victory

Thursday, April 19, 2012

I just wanted to say, I made it through the night without going overboard!! I'm so excited, it's a mini success for me. One day down! Tomorrow night will be easy, AJ is home with me and we are making mini pizzas for dinner. I actually get to eat dinner with him all weekend with his work schedule...so happy about this!!

I even had a victory at work today! They ordered pizza for us, from one of my favorite pizza places.....and I didn't touch it! It was actually pretty easy for me, but I sure was proud of myself.

I did not go to the gym tonight, but I'm not going to look at it as a bad thing. I was so very tired and not feeling myself. I'm not going to beat myself up for it at all. If it were a little warmer out I'd take Sasha for a walk, but it's windy and cold.....feels like fall, not spring! It's ok though, hopefully this weekend will bring sunshine and warmer weather so I can be outside as much as I can.

I just wanted to share my mini victory today! I feel like I'm gaining just a little more control in this whole thing. Now to take Sasha out and curl up in bed and read a good book.

Good Night!

  
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HUBTYRJ 4/30/2012 8:20PM

    That's awesome. It can be so tempting when everyone around you is eating something yummy and the aroma is flirting with your nostrils. I drive by a bakery every day taking my son to school. The smell is intoxicating.

Comment edited on: 4/30/2012 8:21:16 PM

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FENWAYGIRL18 4/19/2012 10:48PM

    all the little ones add up, good for you! emoticon

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NEPTUNE1939 4/19/2012 10:30PM

    emoticon One small goal at a time - like eating an elephant - one bite at a time. Here's to you having many small successes. Earl

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It's a Struggle

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Well, here I am, half way through this week and I feel like I'm losing control and struggling with keeping everything straight and moving forward. I don't know what's going on with me, but wow, this is pretty insane!! It's not even about eating right.....which, I'll get to in a minute. Everything at the moment seems to be going it's own direction and I'm trying to fight it to keep it all going in the same direction. Very Very Very annoying!!

Last night was my husbands birthday....YAY! Happy Birthday AJ!!! We really did enjoy ourselves last night, we hung out together, went to the Old Market downtown, which is a fun place to be in the city, had a few drinks and a nice dinner. The two drinks I had were no big deal, but then the food came, it's like I totally lost control! You'd think I've never eaten before! I don't know why this keeps happening to me. I totally filled myself up way beyond the point of it being ok. I was so full it hurt to breathe. I'm really not sure why I do this to myself, I used to be so good at self control and it feels as though I've lost all control. I did great during the day with my good, but then dinner came and I couldn't hold back.

Tonight, I had it my head I was going to have a nice quite dinner by myself since AJ was working. I was going to have some zucchini with spices and mozzarella along with a chicken salad for dinner. I got home and started prepping the zucchini....I was doing good so far! I was waiting for the zucchini to cook on the stove when I opened the fridge and the pizza from last night was staring back at me. I thought, 'One piece will not hurt, I'll just swap it for the chicken salad'. I knew I was in an ok position to have one. Well, I didn't stop at one, I had two, plus my zucchini.....which was super good....and then I proceeded to have some cookie left over from the night before. I sit here now, full and feeling helpless and having a little pity party because I did something that did not make me proud or happy.

I find I do great during the day with my food, it's when I get home that really hurts me. I'm usually never starving when I get home, so it's not like I eat as much as I can since I'm starving. I usually always have an idea or two of what I'll make for dinner and think about it again on my way home from work. It seems lately, this isn't working for me. I get home and all thoughts go out the window and I eat whatever looks good. Or, if I do eat what I planned, I end up eat a 'few' snacks for the night and find that I'm going over my calorie limit. I drink enough water throughout the day and night so I'm not thirsty. I try and keep myself busy so I'm not thinking of food, but it just happens and before I know, my stomach is tight and full of food! What do you do to not overeat at nighttime? Any suggestions would be more than welcomed!

So, I admit it, I'm totally struggling on a week I thought would be great. I had good goals in place and I feel like I'm not going a good job. I can't even commit to small goals, let alone the big ones!

On the bright side, it is only Wednesday, I have a few days to turn around. I'm going to the gym tomorrow night and I promise, I will eat my chicken salad for tomorrow night that I was supposed to eat tonight! I can at least end the week on a good note.

A mini goal I have over the next couple of weeks is to post more photos on my site, maybe if I have more of my life for everyone to see, it'll hold me more accountable.

Happy Wednesday Hump Day Everyone!

  
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MYSTERY-LADY1 4/19/2012 8:40PM

    emoticon

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SKINNYBAKERGIRL 4/19/2012 1:35PM

  Good luck! I understand losing control especially while eating alone

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IMA24GIRL 4/19/2012 6:48AM

  I can relate to everything you said. If you come up with a good way to tame the evening eating let me know. I do know that when I try to do it it doesn't work but alot of times when I am not thinking about it it works out. But when you try not to think about it you are still trying so it back fires in a catch 22. Good luck and stick with it because I believe eventually this phase will pass. At least for me I hope so. emoticon

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