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Monday Vent...

Monday, November 19, 2012

Oh Monday Monday Monday.....what shall I do with thee?!?!?

This week is a three day work week for me, which is a SCORE!! Plus, my company is giving us each an hour a day of 'free' time where one day we can come in an hour early, take a 2 hour lunch or leave an hour early...and still get paid.....DOUBLE SCORE!!

However.....that being said, I think it's probably the most stressful time of the month for me with my job. I have two other co-workers that do the same job as I do, however, one is out on vacation all week....which is great for her. I'm stuck with the other one though, who doesn't do much at all! This time of the month, I have run reports that are very time consuming and get the information out to those that need it within a short amount of time. Having shortened days working with someone who doesn't do much equals MASSIVE STRESS for me!!! AHHH!! I just wanted to scream at her today as I was telling her I didn't have time to take the mandatory extra hour, and all she did was say, "Well, just enjoy it". I explained to her I didn't have time with everything I need to do by Wednesday and she didn't offer to help, NOTHING! Mind you, she's been told she needs to help me, but she wont! Ohh.....so very very frustrating!!

OK.....pheww...I feel better. I just had to get that off my chest!

The good news, I made it to the gym tonight and did some good weights and cardio. I feel pretty happy with what I did.

I don't have much else tonight.....just had a to vent!

Have a good night!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FAITH__IN__ME 12/8/2012 6:56PM

    venting... and working out always make me feel better!! :)

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POORGIRL_DIET 11/24/2012 8:22PM

    Oh I added you as a friend also hun, sorry its taken me a while to add you x

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POORGIRL_DIET 11/24/2012 8:21PM

    Every monday seems to be in the blues with me but I agree pounding it out in the gym always works a treat

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MISTY_MOUNTAINS 11/20/2012 9:17AM

    Some people need a good shakin'!! Good for you, knocking out that stress at the gym. emoticon

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PLEASEMASTER 11/20/2012 12:17AM

    Awesome that you had a good night at the gym after all the BS from work!! As much as it sucks that your co-worker won't do what is required and expected, just remember you can only be responsible for yourself....AND YOU DID NOT LET A BAD DAY BRING YOU DOWN as far as diet/exercise!!!! WooHOO!

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FENWAYGIRL18 11/19/2012 11:22PM

    God don't u hate it when someone doesn't pull their own weight and do the job they are paid to do??????????????????? It use to drive me nuts, your doing double the work and she's getting the extra hour and paid for doing nothing!
You should go to your boss, don't let her get away with it, say ya wish i could enjoy that extra hour but ya left me with a dead beat!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So many people looking for jobs, you'd think the ones that have one would do their fair share ...
God bless, hope you have a nice holiday! emoticon BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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UMBILICAL 11/19/2012 9:06PM

  Let it out.

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Fit Bit......

Monday, November 19, 2012

Do you have one?? What are you thoughts?

I've been looking at the website forever now and trying to decide if I really want it and if it'd be a good idea for me. I'm not sure if it'd work for what all I'm thinking of what I'd use it for.....like when I'm at the gym with doing weights or the elliptical where it wont pick up my steps.

What do you think?? Honest thoughts on this would be great.....the pros and the cons!


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LISSASLOSINIT 11/25/2012 7:00AM

    I'd like a fitbit from my hubby for christmas but am sort of rethinking it after reading some reviews and comments about it. If it's not accurate than it wouldn't be very helpful to me. Especially because I'd want to use it while doing cardio machines at the gym to compare the calories it says I've burnt with what the machine tells me I've burnt. Hmmm.... could always return it if you don't like it though, right?

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LINDA7668 11/19/2012 9:24PM

    I have a Fitbit and really like it. I was really surprised at how little I really did walk during my day. Now, I can easily check it and try to get more walking in during the day. But, I don't know how it would work with an elliptical or lifting weights.

The problem that I have with mine is that it doesn't count the flights of stairs properly. It counts me driving up a hill as me climbing stairs. I don't use it to track my sleep either. Since I have restless leg and sleep apnea, I'm not sure it registers my sleep properly.

I've also heard that they slip off or snap easily. I keep mine in my pocket and haven't had any problems.

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SAFEHARBOR1111 11/19/2012 8:52PM

    I REALLY want a Fit Bit, too! But I don't have a smart phone to sync it with and it doesn't sync with my version of iPad. So while it costs less than $100.00, I would need to invest hundreds more just to be able to use it. That made me very sad! emoticon

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If Not Now, When??

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

I wouldnít say Iím a procrastinator to the extreme, but I have realized over the last weeks, I am when it comes to me. I find ways to put taking care of me on the back burner and justify it. I find that I put my ďstart dateĒ to next Sunday or Monday or to the 1st of the month, or the 15th, some type of day that ďmakes senseĒ.

Iíd say Iím doing fairly well with my working out, I do my best to go to the gym 4 times a week. I always get a minimum of 45 minutes of cardio. I do my best to show up, get it done and move on with my life.

Iím not doing so bad with my food choices either. Iím always trying to make a conscious effort of what Iím eating and how it makes me feel. If I do indulge or breakdown, I try my best not to beat myself up for it, but instead, pick myself up and realize the next choice I make is what matters.

With those two things on my side, I should be good to go, right? I should be losing here and there and seeing progress. Iím not saying that I donít ever see the scale go down, I do, but not as much as Iíd like. I think to myself, it is what it is.

Iíve been thinking about blogging moreÖ.or start to say the least. I donít always have much to say, but I think it would help me get things off my chest, help me understand myself more, maybe make someone feel like they arenít alone in what they are feeling, maybe make someone laughÖ..who knows! Iíve been thinking Iíll start tomorrow for about a month now. I think of things to blog about and then I donít want to do it for various reasons, I donít have time, I might feel stupid for what Iím thinking, maybe nobody will read it or even care, maybe what I might have to say wont make sense to anyone else. None of these reasons should stop me! It shouldnít matter, and really, it doesnít. Even this morning, I was thinking, Iíll start on December 1st. Thatís a good day to start, new month and everything. But, I canít do that to myself any longer, I need to do it now. Itís better for me, I enjoy writing, Iím no pro by any means, but I do know writing can help us during all times of our lives. So, here I am, itís time to be open and honestÖ.this journey canít always be completed in silence.

Where am I at right now with things?

Like I said before, I do fairly well with going to the gym and working as well as making better food choices. I know what has to happen in order to get healthier, itís just making it actually happen that gets the best of me sometimes. I work my butt off for the time Iím at the gym, Iím a cardio junkie I must say. I love jumping on the elliptical and just going, I think I could do this forever. Iíve been thinking lately (once again, back to my next week or next month mentality), I need to remember to add strength exercises into my routine. Iíve been telling myself ďnext weekĒ. In my mind, I picture Sunday as the first day of the week for me, so itís always, next Sunday I will for me. I used to do weights all the time, I enjoy them, I love the feeling of the next day and your sore. Somehow, I got away from doing them, honestly, I think because I do cardio for 45-50 minutes, I feel like I donít have time. Silly me, I do have time! I donít HAVE to go home and worry about all the TV shows I must catch up on. Theyíre be there for later, they arenít going anywhere.

I realize, I spend a little over an hour at the gym two nights a week and on Saturday and Sunday. I could totally do more. I donít like working out at night really, but I just canít seem for the life of me to get myself up at 4:45am to go in the morning. I would much prefer to go in the morning. In fact, Iíve been setting my alarm to get up at that time to go, but the snooze gets me every time! This morning, I ALMOST did it!! The alarm went off, I got up, went into the bathroom, gave myself a minute to wake up and then, before I knew it, I was crawling back into bed with my hubby! I mean really, I was so close!!! AnywayÖ.hereís to tomorrow morning and setting the alarm for 4:45am!

Food wise, there is more I could be doing, my downfall is at night. Not so much snacking, I just donít journal what I eat for dinner. Not sure why I struggle so much with this, I know I should and itís not that hard. Actually, I think a lot has to do with the fact that I LOVE to cook, Iím ALWAYS trying something new, modifying things, just throwing things together. I find recipes online, that arenít always SP friendly, and try and modify what I can and make. I donít like to take the time to put the recipe in the calculator to get the exact numbers, plus, figuring how many portions it should be and actually doing the portions is hard sometimes. My husband eats A LOT, he can and he wont gain a pound (the joys of men). He doesnít believe in portion control, he just scoops it right up and goes for it. I know Iím just making an excuse, because if I asked him to let me portion it out first, he totally would. He wouldnít mind at all. I just donít do it. I think sometimes Iíd be better off eating something completely separate from him, but I really donít want to cook two different meals, plus, I canít do that forever. I enjoy sharing a meal with my husband.

I already eat frozen meals at lunch timeÖ..which is starting to get SUPER boring, but I know itís controlled and itís easy to make sure Iím on mark for what Iím eating. Leftovers arenít much of an option for me, my husband gets them, and I donít mind, Iíd like to know that he has a good meal for lunch when heís at work. My lunches consist of some type of fat free/low fat greek yogurt and a frozen meal. My ďsnacksĒ at work include 1 c. of berries (either strawberries or blueberries) and 2 pieces of Weight Watchers String Cheese and sometimes an apple. Iím typically fine until I get home for dinner, but I have the mentality that because my day time meals are so set, I donít have to be as careful at night time. WRONG!!! I must remind myself to start tracking it all!!

There are approximately two weeks left in the month. Itís not a Sunday or Monday, itís not an even day, itís not even a date that ďmakes senseĒ. Iím starting right now! My alarm is already set for tomorrow morning, I will NOT hit the snooze button or crawl back in bedÖÖI must try and stay accountable for this! I will be serious about this and take myself seriously. I do deserve this, I deserve so much more than what Iíve given myself so far. Iím the only one who can control this and I canít blame anyone but myself.

Iíve become addicted to Pinterest, and I have a board a Iíve created for myself for motivation. The past few days, Iíve been find TONS and TONS of quotes/pictures, everything that I look at and realize, I want THAT. I want to be that person who inspires others, I want to have the rockiní after picture, I want to feel sexy for my husband, I want to learn how to be confident in myself once again.

If I wait for the perfect time to take myself seriously and learn to love myself, I never will get thereÖÖ

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PLEASEMASTER 11/18/2012 10:34PM

    Gosh, I knew there was a reason I needed to follow your blog-- I feel like I read your blogs and think, "check, check, check... yep, sounds like me"

I plan on blogging for no other reason than to journal & vent. You know, plenty of people will think I'm absolutely nuts... but guess what? I already know that I am!

It's great that you are insightful and can pinpoint the challenging areas & moments... again, sounds like me....

And my therapist tells me "if I would stop thinking about it so much and just do it, a lot of time would be saved and I would feel a lot better about myself."

Hey, I'm not here to dole out advice... I'm just starting out-- there is nothing wrong with you!

Please keep blogging! I'm subscribing right now!!

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GRACED777 11/15/2012 12:15PM

    You're doing well in noticing what's been stopping you--now move against old habits and make some new ones--even a little at a time!


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BASKETLADY13 11/14/2012 7:49PM

    I feel the same way many times. I don't blog often because I think people will think I'm an idiot or not be concerned with my issues because they have issues of their own, but I find that by letting it out sometimes (especially to non-judgemental strangers) it helps keep me motivated or get me motivated whatever the case may be. Keep the faith. The exercise part seems to be your strong point, just keep working on the food part and you'll be good to go soon.

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SAMBIDEXTROUS 11/13/2012 4:19PM

    Men! My husband works a physical job and eats just about whatever he wants. Most of the time we eat together but make our own dinners. I know it is a pain and my husband is suuuuch a good cook. Just look at my a$$ and you can see how good he is!

I've started tracking ahead of time, especially for dinner. I already have planned out what I'm having and how much I can have. I find this keeps away the "Holy crap! I had no idea the numbers were that bad!!"

I know you will figure out what works for you!


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ENCINOJIM 11/13/2012 3:46PM

  Keep up the good work! Your cognoscente of what needs to be done, and that's half the battle. As long as you keep at it I'm sure you'll see progress and reach your goals!


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I feel like I'm suffocating

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

So, itís been awhile since I written my thoughts and feelings out and I sure need to. I may not make any sense to anyone, but I have got to somehow get a little off my shoulders. Things have been really rough the past few weeks. I meanÖ.badÖ..as in I donít know what to do anymore, I want to give up. Now mind you, I realize that my Ďproblemsí may not seem that bad to someone else and I can understand and respect that, but for me, Iím at a loss. I feel lost and hopeless right now and have nowhere to turn. Iím not asking for pity, Iím not even asking for anyone to really care, I really just need to vent.

My husband and I are trying to put our lives togetherÖ..to make sense and work towards our goals individually and as a couple. Iím 30 and feel that Iím ready for a family, Iím ready for the next step (as is he). But, whenever we move one step forward, itís about twenty back. I get that itís life and itís how things go, but Iíve reached my limit and can no longer handle the stress Iím underÖ..even when it comes to the incredibly small things.

I find myself sitting here cracking under the pressure trying to figure what I did that was so bad in my life that I keep getting dealt these awful hands. I feel like Iím suffocating and canít even begin to breathe. I know I havenít been perfect, Iím human and Iíve made some mistakes in life that others probably wouldnít dream of making, but at the same time, I havenít done things that were so terrible that it would make you shudder. The past few years have been nothing but a struggle for me and Iím not sure why. I donít know if Iím doing it myself or what it is, but I canít seem to move forward. In the past few years, I have been married and divorced, lost my core group of friends due to rumors around my divorce, picked up and moved my life across the country to try and start new, only to move back a few years later because I couldnít make it work, got married again in the middle somewhere and am at a point that I feel Iím struggling to find sense in my life.

Iíve been so down the past two weeks, itís getting out of hand. But yet, I KNOW this is too much and I need to pull myself around, but I just canít seem to do it. Just when I start to try and think positively and try and look on the bright side, BAM out of nowhere, the negative thoughts are flooding my mind and clouding my vision. I feel like Iím only going through the actions of life and not having any feeling to go with it.

I noticed this the other day when I was on the treadmill. I was working out, I was getting a good 60 minutes, but I had no feeling what so ever to the idea of working out and the moment. I usually LOVE to work out, I look at it as a time to decompress and in a sense, relax. I was totally numb and by the time I was done, I felt like I had done nothing, I felt that I just went through all the motions to work out, but didnít feel a thing. I was so disappointed with myselfÖÖand I still am. I went to the gym on Sunday and the same thing happened. Iím getting ready to go tonight as soon as I get off work, and Iím dreading it, I donít want to go. I want to just go home and go over our situation in my head hundreds of different ways like I have been all day. Iíve slacked on tracking my meals. I do fine during the week for breakfast and lunch, but when I get home for dinner, even if I do cook, I just get nowhere with tracking. I find myself snacking on anything and everything! I turn around and get upset with myself and try and give myself a Ďpep talkí and vow to better the next dayÖÖ.but as soon as Iím home from work, the cycle starts over.

Iím stuck in a circle, feeling like Iím chasing my own tail and I donít see anything close to an end in sight. I find myself questioning my beliefs and values, as well as myself and my marriage. I donít want it to be this way, but I canít seem to pull out of it. Iíve lost my faith, and let me tell you, itís a horrible sinking feeling that makes you sick to your stomach. I used to be so upbeat and optimistic, but now, I just donít have the strength in me. I know everyone says youíre never given more than you can handle, but Iíve reached my limit and Iíve been broken. I donít know how to pick up the pieces, I donít know how to hold my head up anymore, I donít know how to even take a step forward.

What do you when youíre feeling down? When talking to friends and family doesnít seem to help? When things that used to make you smile are no longer doing it?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PLEASEMASTER 11/18/2012 10:29PM

    Hi, first of all thank you for adding me as a friend and commenting on my 1st blog;

I have been separated for a year now, going through a divorce, my husband inherited all the friends (he is willing to pour his heart out to anyone who will listen and I am not). I have to start over completely, and while I embrace the challenge (so that I can show MYSELF what I can do), it is indeed scary, lonely, and I can't tell you how many times I've found myself thinking, "Just one more thing... one more thing is all it will take to break me."

Well "things" keep happening.. and I'm still alive, I'm still here.

Just remember you are not alone.

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JBECKS626 8/27/2012 1:58PM

    I just wanted to check in to see how you are doing? Have you made an appointment to see a professional? I completely understand where you are at in life because I was there at one point. Seeing a counselor really helped pull me through!

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BAMAJAM 8/8/2012 5:55PM

  I do think that sometimes we do not have the ability to "cure" ourselves, and we must seek a therapist or counselor to help us. I truly believe that your future can be bright again, and you can find happy days ahead, but you need to consider consulting a professional They can be expensive, but there are some resources in many cities that have payment plans according to your income. God bless you as you take steps to find the appropriate answers. You have Sparkfriends who care about you!

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GRACED777 8/8/2012 11:11AM

    The only thing I can do in seasons like this is surrender to God. Life is often unmanageable for me, but as I don't try to control it, but give it to Him, He eventually sorts things out for me and shows me what to do step by step. I agree with the Serenity Prayer as written by Prinmaotonyane below, even though I don't always like it. As you give things over, you may need to talk to someone. God didn't make us to walk alone--but I talk to Him first, and marching orders flow from that.

Comment edited on: 8/8/2012 11:13:14 AM

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JOLEEV 8/8/2012 9:37AM

    Your post really resonated with me. I have been through similar experiences. My hub's and I have sure had our share of ups & downs. We are finally seeing a counselor and it has helped, but also has made me realize that maybe I need to see her for my own issues. I just want you to know that you are not alone.

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HDHAWK 8/8/2012 9:30AM

    I would try talking to a professional who can be objective and help you sort through things. You may be going through a depression. Take care!

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  The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

I just prayed for you. I know what you mean I have been going through some of what you are experiencing and I find that when I pray, I have hope. I still get bad days but I am less overwhelmed. You have tried it your way and it does not work so give God a chance to fight for you. I will keep you in my prayers.

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ROOSTER72 8/8/2012 1:34AM

    Please talk to a professional - just in case you are depressed. Snapping out of it, looking on the bright side, and problem solving is very difficult if you are depressed. A professional can help you to get back on track.

Best wishes for a smile to be back on your face soon!

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BRAVENEWGRL 8/8/2012 12:10AM

    First off take a deep breath. Rome wasn't built in a day.

I think you might want to get some outside help to objectively sort through what you are feeling. It sounds like you've been on warp speed for the last few years without taking time to really process these major life changing events that happened to you.
Everything you mentioned is on the list of major life changing events that have serious impact on our lives. No wonder you feel so overwhelmed.
Asking for help is a huge first step.
You will get through this. Just remember yo breathe.

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KRYSTL719 8/8/2012 12:07AM

    best wishes for you sweetie. It sounds like you have alot to think about. When you get fed up enough with the cycle of coming home binging, you can find ways to change it. If you dont feel you have the willpower at all, talking to people will help. The most important thing is you are not alone, we have all been through major circumstances in life. There are truly good people that know exactly what your going through. By all means, try to hang in there. Life goes through phases, and this phase will end. Thats a fact, so in the meantime, make yourself better, talk things over, change your routines, find local friends, and find what your looking for that will make you happy. It will be okay as long as you make the right choices.

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WUBBY82 8/7/2012 11:51PM

    All I have for you is a huge *HUG* girl. Ginormous, in fact.

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TERRIH8118 8/7/2012 11:29PM

    emoticonI tend to agree with Butterflyrose, it might be a good idea to get some professional help, I've suffered through depression myself I don't know if thats what your going through but its a possibility and I know how numbing and endless it seems but there is ways out of it, Even the fact that your still doing your exercising is impressive to me even if you don't feel like its helping. But know that were here to support you and are praying for you. Just keep hanging in there and you'll get through it.

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BUTTERFLYROSE1 8/7/2012 10:07PM

    After reading your very intensely personal post. Feeling numb, dreading coming home. IT seems that you need to work on YOU. What I'm reading is that you are confused and depressed, perhaps you feel shame and failure with, coming to terms with your past. I believe that you should see a therapist, what seems to me is a kind of depression, perhaps a slump of low self esteem, you may not need medication, but someone to help you, with professional experience, focus and compassion will go a long way. Friends are great, but sometimes you may need a professional to help give you a working system that may start small, and then to help you recognise your pattern of thinking and feeling, and to understand your actions. I hope what I am writing is not offending you. I am a spark person only giving support, this is an option to consider. I wish you well and peace in yourself and your life. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 8/7/2012 10:10:21 PM

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Monday, July 23, 2012

I donít really even know where to beginÖ..

Itís been awhile since Iíve written down how I feel and whatís going right now in my life, Iím always thinking of doing it, but never do. Today, I decided, I owe to myself, I need to do this. I have forced myself to take out some and just write. I, of course, feel guilty for this as there is so much to do around the house and so much I could busy myself with. I have to stop for a few moments and do this for me.

I donít even know where to begin to catch up on my thoughts, feelings, victories and failings. The past few weeks seem to have all blurred together. All I know is, Iím struggling with the this whole journey. Why? I have absolutely no idea why I am, and itís really frustrating. I donít know why I lie to myself and tell myself Iím doing everything I can do to make myself healthier. I donít know why I seem so disappointed when I step on the scale and gain/lose the same pound for weeksÖ.I know itís going to happen, but yet I feel surprised and disappointed each time. I know this isnít a sprint, I know Iím in this for the long run, but can I really do this?? A few years ago, I had willpower made of steel and once I put my mind to, that was it, it was happening. NowÖ..I doubt myself and I donít know why. I picture myself the way I want to be, not just weight wise, but everything overall. I know things have to change to get me there, but for some reason, I just canít follow through! Iím only letting myself down by doing this, but for some reason, I canít seem to reason with myself and convince myself Iím worth this.

Iíve been a member of my gym now for a good six months. The first week of July they had really great prices on three one hour sessions with a personal trainer. I decided to go for it, Iíve always wanted a trainer, but just canít afford them normally. My first session was easy, nothing much at all. He got my weight and measurements (totally embarrassing and uncomfortable for me). He had me do a few squats and push ups and told me heíd see the next Saturday and weíd get started. I stayed at the gym afterwards and got my normal cardio in and felt good for the day. I was super excited.

Week 2 at the gym with a trainer, my world was turned upside down. Iím not trying to be dramatic, but I honestly felt that all my confidence I mustered up inside of me was stripped away in a matter of minutes. I understand the trainer is going to give me things that are not easy and that I canít do. I know heís going to push me hard, and I want him to, but I was not prepared for what happened to me. He wanted me to do a circuit of six items. The first was a minute with a weighted rope Ė difficult Ė yes, but doable. I felt good with that. The next item was something called a frog or froggerÖ..canít remember the exact name. Itís using a balance board, in a push up position and bring my knees to my chestÖ..but bringing up by my sideÖÖnot the best at describing it. I tried one and couldnít do it, it caused a lot of pressure on my knee that Iíve had three surgeries and I have no confidence in my knee, so he changed it. Still, in a push up position with my hands on the outside of the balance board, he wanted to bring my knees (one at a time) straight up to my chest with out bring them to side. I thought this was doableÖ.boy, did I struggle with it! I know I donít have much for core strength, so it really tested me and my mental strength as I was frustrated with myself and upset that I couldnít do even one! The next item was push ups with weights bringing the weights to my chest after I did one push up. It was doable, hard, but I could get there. The next item was doing step ups on a stepÖ..this was a little scary for me as the step was quite a distance off the ground and againÖ.with no confidence in my knee, I was terrified. BUTÖ..it was doable. The next item was taking a weight ball and throwing it up in the air towards him and heíd hit it back to me. I had that down, no problems. The last item was a kettle ball swinging it with my bodyÖ..easy enough. My confidence was gone before the first circuit was even complete, I couldnít believe how hard these were and I just kept thinking, ĎWhat have I done to myself?í By the 2nd round, I was done, I didnít want to do it anymore. I was on the verge of tears, feeling sorry for myself, angry with myself for getting to this point, and just frustrated overall. I tried and tried and I just couldnít do it, I wanted to leave. I was feeling sick to my stomach and was just over it. I asked to cut our hour session short. The gym beat me that dayÖÖI will never forget how I felt. I went with all intention of doing 45 minutes of cardio after my session, I even told my trainer thatís what I was doing when I walked away. I found myself in the locker room getting my items and trying Ďsneakí out so he didnít see me leave and question why I was leaving. That was one of the lowest moments Iíve had a long time. I got to my car and cried. I cried all the way and in the shower. I felt so incredibly small that day and it has left me with a huge amount of doubt in my mind to as if I can do this. I havenít set up another session, but I know heís going to ask me when I want to come again. I honestly at this moment donít want to work out with himÖ..he did NOTHING wrong, this is totally me, but I just donít want to do it. I find myself thinking Iím not worth his time and there is someone else out there that would be use it.

I have been back to the gym since that weekend, but I havenít been back to work out with anyone but myself. Iíve done cardio my four days last week for the amount of time I set my goal to. I plan on going tonight, even though, I really donít want to. Iím tired, I have a headache and just overall feel down in the dumps. I will go though, I canít go this coming weekend as family is in town, so I need rearrange my days this week to accommodate it. Thatís something Iím willing to do, but Iím struggling to keep it up and itís only day 2 of this week!

I had a goal by the end of the summer, well by my husbandís and my anniversary, which is exactly one month from today. I am not a person who wears dresses, Iím just not comfortable in them. I bought three at the beginning of summerÖÖnot sure what I was thinking. They fit me, but my goal was to rock them and feel super confident wearing them. They are hanging in my closet where I can see them everyday, however, I have never felt so far away from a goal. I feel that I have already let myself down by not even giving myself a chance to start. I donít know why Iím doing this to myself, I really have no reason to. I think one of the hardest things for me to accept is that Iím doing this to myself, I know I am and I know I shouldnít be, but I canít stop it. Iím setting myself up for failure and I donít know how to change it. I feel like everything is happening around me and Iím spiraling downward and canít stop myself and pull myself back up. I do go a day here, a few days there, where I feel like Iíve got a grip and itís going to be ok, but then I fall right back down. I have to find a way to convince myself that I am worth this and itís going to be ok. I need to find a way to pick myself and dust myself off and move forward. I need to quit allowing myself to go off track when I know exactly what Iím doing. I know Iím not going to be perfect and Iím going to fall, but I have to find a way to forgive myself for this and not dwell on it. For some reason, I just canít find it in me to do all of this and I donít know why.

I know I need to work on blogging more, itís always helpful to write down oneís thoughts and feelings. I need to work on stopping what Iím doing with everyday life and take a minute and just blog. So I guess thatís my first goal this weekÖÖI need to take a few minutes each day and write what Iím feeling, no matter how long or short it is, just write it. I know I canít do this on my own, so hopefully I can find the strength to do it knowing someone else might read it and maybe they feel the same way. Life is full of ups and downs an somehow I need to find a way up, I can tell myself Iím worth until Iím blue in the face, but for some reason, Iím really struggling with believing it and sticking to it.

Enough rambling for nowÖÖHappy Monday!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JBECKS626 7/31/2012 8:38AM

    Keep pushing through and being honest with yourself; that's one of the hardest parts of this journey! The first couple months are always the most difficult. I am just getting back into being healthy and working out. Does your gym provide classes? If so, then try one...it's a great motivator and pushes you to new levels without having all the focus be completely on you.

It's definitely important to have goals, but when the goals are getting you down, then it might be time to re-evaluate what's important - fitting into the dress or feeling happy with yourself and appreciating the time spent with your husband on your anniversary. Take each day one by one and try not to get overwhelmed with the things that you're not doing, but focus on the positive things that you are doing. YOU CAN DO IT! Keep up the good work :)

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TERRIH8118 7/23/2012 10:38PM

    It does help to blog and on occasion just vent. This is a long hard journey we're on and we all need all the support we can get.

It sounds like your doing great, doing your exercises and doing whats right for you. I admire you for trying a trainer, me,--no way I know I could not handle it. I prob would'nt even go back to the gym. But just keep up the good work emoticon emoticon

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