Friday, March 22, 2013
So I've found myself, over the past year or so, fluctuating up to the 160's to the 140's. I've been lost in myself, making poor decisions and not really understanding my body. This is the crazy break down of my past year:
1.Almost exactly a year ago, I began with overwhelming guilt, laziness, irritability, lethargy, and I found that I had lost interest in everything that once made me happy. Severe undiagnosed Depression. Ouch. Rough stigma. Along with the anti-depressants that I was on, I was also diagnosed with generalized social anxiety. UHG seriously? A couple of prescriptions later, I was on my way.
2. A couple of months later, I seemed to be doing much better. My energy levels were peaking and I would go in and out of being simply elated! Eventually I began taking more and more anti-anxiety drugs to counteract the excessive energy and racing thoughts. My regular rum&diets and redbull vodkas turned into bud lights mixed with klonopins to settle me down. The less sleep I got, the more energy I had. Little strange, right? The worst words were uttered in the cold doctors office that I had ever heard. BiPolar disorder. WTF! I didn't have mood swings, and I'm certainly not crazy! So with the new diagnosis, came more and more 'experimental' drugs. Fun. Drowsiness, fuzziness, strange sadness, and frequent thoughts of suicide ensued. Long story short, it sucks. You think the stigma of being depressed is bad? Try BiPolar. People think you fly off the handle in a heart beat--soooo not me. I've always prided myself in being able to overcome anything that has been thrown my way.... this is the first thing in my life that I literally have no control of. I'm at the mercy of my psychiatrist's recommendations for drugs and lifestyle change. Sucks.
3. Did you know that people with BiPolar disorder are 10-20 times more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol? For a year straight, I binge drank 6-7 nights per week. My liver is so in love with me. I'd never understood the correct definition of 'alcohol dependency' until these last few weeks. Being an "alcoholic" is probably the hardest thing to admit to yourself, but again, its the first part of the process. One more negative stigma to add to the list.
4. Finally some good news. I haven't had a drop of alcohol since Feb 13th. That is a month and a little over a week as of today. I can say that is the longest I have gone without alcohol since I was 16 years old.... and saying that out loud definitely doesn't elicit a proud response in me. However, I'm proud that I've proven to myself that I'm stronger than a substance. Don't take me wrong, it's not been easy, but every time I crave a beer or a cocktail, I think of all the people I've hurt, money I've wasted, and the torture I've put my body through. A cleanse is worth it.
Ranting: Here is the problem with our society. Especially for 20-somethings (and beyond), our entire social lives revolve around alcohol and food. Do you know how few social activities there are to do that don't involve either? Even the movie theaters here serve food and alcohol. Dinner parties? Bowling? Do I sound like a home body yet? So not me. I love dressing up and going to bars, sober or not. Until bar close when I'm the DD and everyone wants to go to the after parties. Sigh.
Been a strange and interesting year, but with the right support and lifestyle changes, I'm hopeful that this was the shove I needed. I hope I haven't been too forward with this blog, but I'm also hopeful it can somehow help others deal with any similar issues.
Feeling positive and praying for the best. Keep putting positivity and love out there and it will come back to you.
Goodnight for now!!!
Thursday, May 12, 2011
I don't know if it is just my age, or the fact that a drink or two helps me relax above all else, but lately I've found that alcohol is the biggest saboteur of my diet efforts! I'll be 25 in a month and it seems like every gathering revolves, foremost, around drinking. Between the baseball games that we only go to on THIRSTY THURSDAYS, or the gathering of friends that only occur on holidays like Cinco De Mayo, St. Pattys day, Fourth of July, or any other holiday that is centered on drinking... Even beach days wouldn't be complete without the 24 pack of beer that seems to be a race to finish.
Don't get me wrong, I like to drink. As a matter of fact, I probably like it too much. Sometimes there is nothing I crave more than a glass of red wine. The problem lays in the fact that a glass of red wine turns in to a bottle of red wine, and that turns into the taco bell drive through and a helluva hangover the next day.
My question is: Does anyone else have this problem? Where alcohol is somehow the only "activity" for a group of 20-somethings to partake in (other than just plain eating FOOD)? Where any other activity isn't worth divulging energy/efforts into if there isn't an endless supply of beer?
It seems that lately, it's either 1.) Go out with friends and be a drag while I watch them enjoy their drinks and I refuse their endless efforts to get me to drink like them, 2.) Stay at home every Friday and Saturday night with my husband, become "THAT COUPLE" with no life and no friends or 3.) Have a drink or two but feel guilty all the while knowing that those calories are empty and a waste...
Sooooo.... is it JUST ME with this issue?!?!
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
I know we've all heard of the cabbage soup diet and we have all been warned about CRASH DIETS. However, I thought I would revamp it a little and give it a whirl, for the sheer fact that I have been lacking structure in my diet & nutrition world. And for the record, I have been eating more of a veggie-packed egg drop (egg white) soup to get my fill of protien. I'm also watching calories and nutrients closely, as to not starve myself. Here are some of my thoughts....
1. Day 1 was terrible. How am I supposed to only eat fruits and soup? Then I got to thinking..... vegetarians do this, people hundreds or thousands of years ago did this, so why can't I? Still, it was terrible. Every bite of food that went into my husbands mouth, I wanted. FOOD ENVY.... its the worst!
2. Day 2: it was almost over before it started. I woke up feeling terrible, absolutely horrible. I called my husband to tell him it was over, he told me to drink some water and think about my goal. So I picked myself up and decided to still try- it got much better by the end of the day, however being stuck only eating soup and vegetables seemed to be torture. ALSO... I know this is gross, but WOW.... if nothing else, this diet is a great way to clean out your system.... THOUROUGHLY..... and OFTEN.
3. At the beginning of today, Day 3, I am weighing in 2 pounds lighter, due to the fact that the vegetables are doing a great job at cleaning me out! My measurements aren't any different, and I'm confident that this is good for my body, since I have a lot more energy today! I feel so much better.
4. Here is the important stuff--- This diet has given me several great insights. The first is that we should be eating waayy more fruits and vegetables (NO DUH, right?).... but we shouldn't be tortured by it. The last 2/3 days have been creating a new habit for me- just getting fruits and veggies out of the fridge without it seeming like a chore. And amazingly, fruits and vegetables fill you up the same way an ice cream bar will... but they're good and natural.
5. I've realized that we put so much garbage into our bodies.... and that I have become OBSESSED with this garbage. Every SINGLE advertisement for food made me hungry and mad that I couldn't have it. But the more I think about it, I don't need any of that stuff, it has been making me miserable by making me fat all these years, so why do I constantly think about it and want it? Eat to Live, Don't Live to Eat.... that's what they say..... so why am I so obsessed with those few moments of chewing and tasting? Wow, I feel my willpower getting slightly stronger by the day.
6. In the end, this diet is more about altering my views on food, changing my habits when it comes to eating, giving myself more structure when it comes to food, and changing my habits. So far, this silly little diet has given me much more than I could have imagined, and it is only the 3rd day! Pretty amazing the things you can do when you set your mind to it!!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
At the risk of sounding like a snob, every time I read about how someone went on vacation and gained 3 pounds or fell off the wagon and gained all the weight back, I always tend to think that I'm above all that, I can't and I won't gain weight back because I've just worked too hard. Last summer, after not working out or watching calories for 3 months, I stepped back on the scale and had lost 3 pounds, and after that, well, I guess my attitude just suffered and my ego exploded.
Sadly, this time, I can't say that not staying on track ended in success. I stopped watching my calories and stopped exercising right before Memorial Day. My excuse? Its too hot to exercise or do anything and I was getting married in June so I was just far too busy.... besides, I'd already lost 50 pounds since my heaviest so why not take a break? I'll tell you why.... because I gained 7 pounds! UHG! In only 2.5 months! And when you get down to it, that's only eating an excess of 350 calories more than your body burns per day...
The more I think about it, the more disappointed I am with myself- not only because I gained the weight, but because I thought I was better than anyone who had gained weight after they lost it, and I thought that I was immune. I'm ashamed to say that I even thought that way. So now not only am I embarrassed, but I am stuck re-losing pounds that I worked so hard to lose in the first place!
It is obviously time for an attitude adjustment.
Today is the day!
I'm changing my attitude!
I'm eating healthy!
I'm loving my body and myself!
I'm leaving all judgements behind!
I'm eating to live, not living to eat!
I'm taking care of number one, body and mind!
I'm going to be the best me!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Wow. I think I might have just had a HUGE revelation. I was reading an article on Diets v. Lifestyle- what we have all heard/read a million times. I was pretty sure that I knew everything already, I honestly just wanted 3 sparkpoints!
In the article, he stated that a lifestyle is about knowing WHY we eat and how we FEEL about ourselves, and fixing that, as opposed to fixing the number on the scale. I've read all about emotional eating and I don't consider myself highly emotional so in the past I have just skipped right past that part.
He mentioned that "emotional eating" can be a distraction from other thoughts.... hmmmm...... thats the first time I thought of emotional eating as being a distraction....
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I am ALWAYS chewing gum, drinking my diet Mt. Dew, drinking water, and munching on something. Its comforting to have something in my mouth, not necessarily my stomach.
Thinking more and more, I have come to realize that I am uncomfortable. Always. Uncomfortable in my own skin. And I'm Anxious, continually anxious. Sitting here typing I find myself putting my fingers to my mouth in between thoughts, blowing bubbles with my gum and taking sips of my drink.
Anxiety is my problem, not that I have bad genes or that I'm an ugly girl. I've felt that my weight makes people look at me, stare at me, dislike me and make me uncomfortable. Not true. Its my anxiety about everything and everyone around me. I need to fix my insides and then the rest will follow.
Amaaaaaaaaazing. What a break-through. And it only took 2 years of being on Spark People! Haha.
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