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Depression, BiPolar, and Alcoholism, oh my!

Friday, March 22, 2013

So I've found myself, over the past year or so, fluctuating up to the 160's to the 140's. I've been lost in myself, making poor decisions and not really understanding my body. This is the crazy break down of my past year:

1.Almost exactly a year ago, I began with overwhelming guilt, laziness, irritability, lethargy, and I found that I had lost interest in everything that once made me happy. Severe undiagnosed Depression. Ouch. Rough stigma. Along with the anti-depressants that I was on, I was also diagnosed with generalized social anxiety. UHG seriously? A couple of prescriptions later, I was on my way.

2. A couple of months later, I seemed to be doing much better. My energy levels were peaking and I would go in and out of being simply elated! Eventually I began taking more and more anti-anxiety drugs to counteract the excessive energy and racing thoughts. My regular rum&diets and redbull vodkas turned into bud lights mixed with klonopins to settle me down. The less sleep I got, the more energy I had. Little strange, right? The worst words were uttered in the cold doctors office that I had ever heard. BiPolar disorder. WTF! I didn't have mood swings, and I'm certainly not crazy! So with the new diagnosis, came more and more 'experimental' drugs. Fun. Drowsiness, fuzziness, strange sadness, and frequent thoughts of suicide ensued. Long story short, it sucks. You think the stigma of being depressed is bad? Try BiPolar. People think you fly off the handle in a heart beat--soooo not me. I've always prided myself in being able to overcome anything that has been thrown my way.... this is the first thing in my life that I literally have no control of. I'm at the mercy of my psychiatrist's recommendations for drugs and lifestyle change. Sucks.

3. Did you know that people with BiPolar disorder are 10-20 times more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol? For a year straight, I binge drank 6-7 nights per week. My liver is so in love with me. I'd never understood the correct definition of 'alcohol dependency' until these last few weeks. Being an "alcoholic" is probably the hardest thing to admit to yourself, but again, its the first part of the process. One more negative stigma to add to the list.

4. Finally some good news. I haven't had a drop of alcohol since Feb 13th. That is a month and a little over a week as of today. I can say that is the longest I have gone without alcohol since I was 16 years old.... and saying that out loud definitely doesn't elicit a proud response in me. However, I'm proud that I've proven to myself that I'm stronger than a substance. Don't take me wrong, it's not been easy, but every time I crave a beer or a cocktail, I think of all the people I've hurt, money I've wasted, and the torture I've put my body through. A cleanse is worth it.

Ranting: Here is the problem with our society. Especially for 20-somethings (and beyond), our entire social lives revolve around alcohol and food. Do you know how few social activities there are to do that don't involve either? Even the movie theaters here serve food and alcohol. Dinner parties? Bowling? Do I sound like a home body yet? So not me. I love dressing up and going to bars, sober or not. Until bar close when I'm the DD and everyone wants to go to the after parties. Sigh.

Been a strange and interesting year, but with the right support and lifestyle changes, I'm hopeful that this was the shove I needed. I hope I haven't been too forward with this blog, but I'm also hopeful it can somehow help others deal with any similar issues.

Feeling positive and praying for the best. Keep putting positivity and love out there and it will come back to you.

Goodnight for now!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WILDASTER 4/21/2013 11:18PM

    I just read your blog and I want to say, Hang in there and ask for help when you need it. The things you mentioned are hard issues and ones that will take time to get all in the right groove. You are a strong person and you will be able to do this too. I have kids in their 20's and You are right there are too many situations where drinking is the main event. For my son it was time to find a few new friends who were interested in other activities. He also knows he is welcome to be here with us and bring friends here, my Dh is allergic it so we don't have any. I won't drink when he can't, easy choice for me.

I hope spring brings you a renewed energy to work it all out.

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JULINA4 3/24/2013 8:09PM

    This could have been written by me 10 years ago. I don't know you, but I kinda doubt you are bipolar based on what you're saying. You're just over-medicated, I would guess. That plus the alcohol. I wish I had the answer on how to turn things around or a story of strength and courage. For me personally though, it was a man in my life who'd stopped partying, called me one night and said 'We're going to be together." And we were from then on. Since he wasn't partying, I stopped partying. Any heavy drinking I did was at home with him when occasionally we'd have margarita night and go wild. About a year after we were married, I got pregnant and have been loving the tame life since. I can no longer imagine needing Zoloft, Adderall, Buspar, Zanax or alcohol every day. Frankly, I couldn't care less that there are people at the club RIGHT NOW drinking, partying, and dancing and I'm not there with them. I know the change can happen. I can at least assure you that from experience. You can become a different person, and yes, it is much cheaper and wrecks your body much less. I wish you the best of luck!

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Alcohol... is it JUST ME?!?!

Thursday, May 12, 2011

I don't know if it is just my age, or the fact that a drink or two helps me relax above all else, but lately I've found that alcohol is the biggest saboteur of my diet efforts! I'll be 25 in a month and it seems like every gathering revolves, foremost, around drinking. Between the baseball games that we only go to on THIRSTY THURSDAYS, or the gathering of friends that only occur on holidays like Cinco De Mayo, St. Pattys day, Fourth of July, or any other holiday that is centered on drinking... Even beach days wouldn't be complete without the 24 pack of beer that seems to be a race to finish.

Don't get me wrong, I like to drink. As a matter of fact, I probably like it too much. Sometimes there is nothing I crave more than a glass of red wine. The problem lays in the fact that a glass of red wine turns in to a bottle of red wine, and that turns into the taco bell drive through and a helluva hangover the next day.

My question is: Does anyone else have this problem? Where alcohol is somehow the only "activity" for a group of 20-somethings to partake in (other than just plain eating FOOD)? Where any other activity isn't worth divulging energy/efforts into if there isn't an endless supply of beer?

It seems that lately, it's either 1.) Go out with friends and be a drag while I watch them enjoy their drinks and I refuse their endless efforts to get me to drink like them, 2.) Stay at home every Friday and Saturday night with my husband, become "THAT COUPLE" with no life and no friends or 3.) Have a drink or two but feel guilty all the while knowing that those calories are empty and a waste...

Sooooo.... is it JUST ME with this issue?!?!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    You're not alone! I do this too! I have these little 'drunken binges'. It's like alcohol triggers this complete lack of control in me! My boyfriend calls me a "cereal drunk" because every time I drink a little too much, I'll down half to a whole box of cereal.

It sucks, and most of my social activities (both personal and professional) revolve around the bar scene or alcohol events.

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ALYSSA203 5/21/2011 10:14PM

    You're definitely not alone. I'm from Fargo, ND and from about age 15 up the only thing to do in this town is drink...
Drinking also messes with my diet, too. It's not just the fact that it gives me the drunk munchies, but good tasting alcohol has a lot of calories. It's a double whammy. Do they have any organized sports for adults where you're from? Here we have softball and volleyball leagues that you can join for a really low fee. I think it's safe to say that they're not going to encourage you to drink if you're participating in a sport, you'll get out of the house, and you'll get in some exercise!

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EDWARDS51102 5/13/2011 5:59PM

    It continues into your 30's until you meet friends who are supportive of your goals, and also enjoy a healthy life. It is hard sometimes to express your needs, when you need a break from the average activities,and you want to do something more beneficial for yourself, go to places like the gym( and or sparkpoeople) to get ideas for healthier get togethers, like golfing or waterskiing. Summer fun can be healthy.

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ERICAA947 5/12/2011 8:09PM

  I feel u. We bbq alot. I limited to a couple glasses of wine n switched chips for fresh veggies. We play air hockey at the bar we go to or shuffle board it takes up time n u r still having a good time. Good luck :)

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P0KERS0PH 5/12/2011 4:05PM

    I have rum or vodka with diet soda. It only has around 50 calories a glass!

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CORINSKI 5/12/2011 3:41PM

    I completely agree with your post. My weight gain was attributed to many factors but alcohol definitely had a huge role in it. I have cut the drinking out of my "diet" for the past two weeks and shed 3 pounds and haven't changed much else regarding eating and exercising habits. Crazy how quickly those empty calories add up. I heard that alcohol destroys (well many things) but also your metabolism for 48 hours. Eek!

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JBJAKUBEK 5/12/2011 2:15PM

    I feel your pain. I try to walk to and from the bar to work off some of the alcohol calories so I don't have as much guilt, or as many calories to work off. Also, sometimes I alternate a drink with water to help limit my intake and calories. As far as fun activities with no alcohol - movies are always a good choice, you can do something "sporty" together like flag football, etc.

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REDFOXTROT2 5/12/2011 1:21PM

    OMG this is 100% how all of my friends are. We either go to a bar and drink or a house party and drink or ANYWHERE and drink. Honestly, it just gets BORING! It's also a never-ending stream of bad bad food and calories. It's frustrating - I feel your pain!

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LMDORRELL 5/12/2011 1:14PM

    Thank you sooooooo much guys!! Your comments are super helpful and encouraging!!

Any suggestions on activities that don't involve binge drinking other than watching the grass grow, repainting the house, going to the car wash, etc? Hahaha! But seriously? What do you all do with friends that is inherently limited on alcohol & actually fun?

Thanks so much for the feedback all!

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AARONLEDLOW 5/12/2011 12:29PM

    Well out of all honesty it is what most mid 20's groups like to do while they "still feel young." I was stationed in Germany from my 21st birthday till I was 28 and let me tell you what, Germans LOVE to drink, dance, and party like it's never going to happen again, mix that in with the military infantry man and this turns into a nightly ritual of getting hammered.
Once thing I found out is that as the responsible one that I was, I always was the DD, which put me out with the "boys" but limited me "mentally" on how much I was able to consume for the responsibility of getting us home safely. Second thing is beer is loaded with different types of carbs, calories and blah blah but if you find something that is a bit more healthier such as Guinness or a liquor that you can sip, you might save yourself the heartache and gut expansion.
Trust me I know EXACTLY how you feel, now that I am engaged again and trying to watch my girlish figure per say, I still hang out with my people, I just choose to be the DD or sip on something just as powerful but much better for the midsection.
Good luck chickie!

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BONOLICIOUS2 5/12/2011 12:27PM

    I am the same age, in the same situation. Everyone wants to go to the bars or they are setting up the pong table at home. It sucks!

My roommate and I decided to limit ourselves to one night a week. It could be any night, just one though. Otherwise you're right - it turns into a cycle of taco bell (pizza... carbs in general...), missing the gym from the hangover, gaining weight. We just decided that results were more important!

Also, I think there is a blog on spark about drinks and what is "best, better, and bad" for you. That might help too. Good luck!

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MILLIE5522 5/12/2011 12:22PM

    You could try dry white wine soda water spritzer. That way your drinks will last twice as long and nobody will notice that you are drinking any less! emoticon

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MOREPOWER 5/12/2011 12:22PM

  I agree with you. When I was younger it seemed that all of my fun activities did have some sort of alcohol involved.

So what I do is... I will order one alcoholic beverage and take a long time to drink it. I will then have some water and then I might have another alcoholic drink.

If I have too many or if I drink it too fast my resolve slips and I start reaching for the snacks.

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Soup Diet Revamped and Lessons Learned

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

I know we've all heard of the cabbage soup diet and we have all been warned about CRASH DIETS. However, I thought I would revamp it a little and give it a whirl, for the sheer fact that I have been lacking structure in my diet & nutrition world. And for the record, I have been eating more of a veggie-packed egg drop (egg white) soup to get my fill of protien. I'm also watching calories and nutrients closely, as to not starve myself. Here are some of my thoughts....

1. Day 1 was terrible. How am I supposed to only eat fruits and soup? Then I got to thinking..... vegetarians do this, people hundreds or thousands of years ago did this, so why can't I? Still, it was terrible. Every bite of food that went into my husbands mouth, I wanted. FOOD ENVY.... its the worst!

2. Day 2: it was almost over before it started. I woke up feeling terrible, absolutely horrible. I called my husband to tell him it was over, he told me to drink some water and think about my goal. So I picked myself up and decided to still try- it got much better by the end of the day, however being stuck only eating soup and vegetables seemed to be torture. ALSO... I know this is gross, but WOW.... if nothing else, this diet is a great way to clean out your system.... THOUROUGHLY..... and OFTEN.

3. At the beginning of today, Day 3, I am weighing in 2 pounds lighter, due to the fact that the vegetables are doing a great job at cleaning me out! My measurements aren't any different, and I'm confident that this is good for my body, since I have a lot more energy today! I feel so much better.

4. Here is the important stuff--- This diet has given me several great insights. The first is that we should be eating waayy more fruits and vegetables (NO DUH, right?).... but we shouldn't be tortured by it. The last 2/3 days have been creating a new habit for me- just getting fruits and veggies out of the fridge without it seeming like a chore. And amazingly, fruits and vegetables fill you up the same way an ice cream bar will... but they're good and natural.

5. I've realized that we put so much garbage into our bodies.... and that I have become OBSESSED with this garbage. Every SINGLE advertisement for food made me hungry and mad that I couldn't have it. But the more I think about it, I don't need any of that stuff, it has been making me miserable by making me fat all these years, so why do I constantly think about it and want it? Eat to Live, Don't Live to Eat.... that's what they say..... so why am I so obsessed with those few moments of chewing and tasting? Wow, I feel my willpower getting slightly stronger by the day.

6. In the end, this diet is more about altering my views on food, changing my habits when it comes to eating, giving myself more structure when it comes to food, and changing my habits. So far, this silly little diet has given me much more than I could have imagined, and it is only the 3rd day! Pretty amazing the things you can do when you set your mind to it!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOVE2TRAVEL17 9/13/2010 6:37AM

    I've also tried this diet and yes, it is challenging, but it works so well if you stick with it! Will definitely do it again soon!

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LEBJKI 9/3/2010 12:26PM

    Great job. This sounds like a great way to kickstart my weightloss again after hitting a stand still. What is your soup recipe? And how many days are you doing this?

Comment edited on: 9/3/2010 1:00:06 PM

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  Great blog! Hang in there -- you are doing great!

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I guess it can happen to anyone after all

Thursday, July 22, 2010

At the risk of sounding like a snob, every time I read about how someone went on vacation and gained 3 pounds or fell off the wagon and gained all the weight back, I always tend to think that I'm above all that, I can't and I won't gain weight back because I've just worked too hard. Last summer, after not working out or watching calories for 3 months, I stepped back on the scale and had lost 3 pounds, and after that, well, I guess my attitude just suffered and my ego exploded.
Sadly, this time, I can't say that not staying on track ended in success. I stopped watching my calories and stopped exercising right before Memorial Day. My excuse? Its too hot to exercise or do anything and I was getting married in June so I was just far too busy.... besides, I'd already lost 50 pounds since my heaviest so why not take a break? I'll tell you why.... because I gained 7 pounds! UHG! In only 2.5 months! And when you get down to it, that's only eating an excess of 350 calories more than your body burns per day...
The more I think about it, the more disappointed I am with myself- not only because I gained the weight, but because I thought I was better than anyone who had gained weight after they lost it, and I thought that I was immune. I'm ashamed to say that I even thought that way. So now not only am I embarrassed, but I am stuck re-losing pounds that I worked so hard to lose in the first place!
It is obviously time for an attitude adjustment.
Today is the day!
I'm changing my attitude!
I'm eating healthy!
I'm loving my body and myself!
I'm leaving all judgements behind!
I'm eating to live, not living to eat!
I'm taking care of number one, body and mind!
I'm going to be the best me!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ATMANI 7/22/2010 11:40AM


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Thursday, May 20, 2010

Wow. I think I might have just had a HUGE revelation. I was reading an article on Diets v. Lifestyle- what we have all heard/read a million times. I was pretty sure that I knew everything already, I honestly just wanted 3 sparkpoints!

In the article, he stated that a lifestyle is about knowing WHY we eat and how we FEEL about ourselves, and fixing that, as opposed to fixing the number on the scale. I've read all about emotional eating and I don't consider myself highly emotional so in the past I have just skipped right past that part.

He mentioned that "emotional eating" can be a distraction from other thoughts.... hmmmm...... thats the first time I thought of emotional eating as being a distraction....

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I am ALWAYS chewing gum, drinking my diet Mt. Dew, drinking water, and munching on something. Its comforting to have something in my mouth, not necessarily my stomach.
Thinking more and more, I have come to realize that I am uncomfortable. Always. Uncomfortable in my own skin. And I'm Anxious, continually anxious. Sitting here typing I find myself putting my fingers to my mouth in between thoughts, blowing bubbles with my gum and taking sips of my drink.

Anxiety is my problem, not that I have bad genes or that I'm an ugly girl. I've felt that my weight makes people look at me, stare at me, dislike me and make me uncomfortable. Not true. Its my anxiety about everything and everyone around me. I need to fix my insides and then the rest will follow.

Amaaaaaaaaazing. What a break-through. And it only took 2 years of being on Spark People! Haha.


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