Sunday, October 04, 2009
What the heck is wrong with me? I am suddenly finding all sorts of flaws with my body that I did not notice or acknowledge 50+ pounds ago. I have no idea why I have selected today to be so self critical. I hated walking by any mirror and today of all days I went shopping for much needed clothes. It was an absolute ordeal. Trying on clothes after clothes is not fun; there were way too many choices and it was exhausting. On top of that, I noticed every single bulge in the dressing room mirrors. I read somewhere that the mirrors in dressing rooms are meant to make you look slimmer to get you to buy more clothes. Well if this was a slimmer version of me, then I have bigger issues than I thought. You know, when you have lost 56 pounds, you should look fabulous in anything. At least that was my thought. After all, donít we all think that losing weight will solve all of our problems and flaws. We will look beautiful and younger- donít even get me started on all the wrinkles that are no longer camouflaged by little globs of fat; our careers will be fulfilling; everyone will love us and the world will be a better place. All this as a result of losing weight??? Well, that was the dream. Now itís back to reality. My boobs did not shrink, I have no hips and my butt is flat. Same problems in finding clothes as before- sigh!!!
But let me take a step back. I started my day with a much awaited run. But I felt sluggish. I struggled through the first 2 miles, walked a minute, started running again, and just had to throw in the towel after another half mile. My lungs were burning, my legs were dragging and my heart rate was off the charts. I walked home feeling dejected and frustrated. I had been running 3.5 miles the last few weeks. The 2 week hiatus between illness and work has set me back. I am struggling with my endurance. And I have a 5k coming up next weekend- double sigh! Could this have been the cause of my negative self-image today?
On a happier note, I did break the 170 pound barrier- 169.6 to be exact. This should have me jumping for joy. And it did.
And I did end up buying a bunch of new clothes today- 2 suits. 2 twin sets, 2 jackets, 2 pair of jeans and 3 pairs of shoes. At least Iíll look good at work- I thinkÖ
Friday, September 25, 2009
The last 2 weeks have been very tough. Itís bad enough to have to come back from vacation and to find out that you have not won the lottery and that you have to head back to work, but my cold last week really sidelined me. And then I had the work week and commute from hell this week. I knew it was going to be a tough week but I did not anticipate the physical toll it would take.
My inability to exercise meant that my stress levels started creeping up and I felt like I was dragging all week. I felt tired and overwhelmed. I was attending a leadership class for 3 days and then catching up on real work at night. And even though I slept like a log every night- sleeping has never been a problem for me- I did not feel refreshed when I got up in the morning.
On the bright side, I did ask for the menu for all three days and had them make some adjustments so that I was covered. I recommend that any of you who think you cannot change what is being served at work functions take a difference stance. These days there are so many dietary constraints out there that companies have no problem changing the menu or ordering something different for you. Try it, you will be surprised.
But I digress. Exercise has become a necessity for me. Not just to lose weight but also in order to stay sane. I just plain feel better after and I am much happier as a result. After 2 weeks of little cardio, I got up to run this morning- working from home today, you see. And it was raining. And I will admit that I am not as progressive as some of you to start running in the rain. Not my idea of fun. So I worked all day with my running clothes on. I did not want to change, lest I thought it would get me off the hook. I headed out at 3 and started my run. The first mile was fine, but I could definitely tell I was struggling. I slowed down but my heart rate was at the upper limit the entire time. I told myself I would just have to run 2 miles but that kind of ticked me off. I was ticking myself off- lol Itís a mind game out there. You psyche yourself up and then you tell yourself you donít have to do it all. And then you tell yourself to go just a little more. And your body just trudges along. Well, I made really good time but it was very, very tough. And I upped my miles. I ran 3.5 miles. 3.5 very tough miles.
And suddenly I feel human again. My sluggishness is gone. My mood is better and I think the week was not so bad. I am sure my mind was just playing a trick on me.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
As many of my Spark friends know, I have had a terrible cold all week and have been dragging through the days. The toughest part for me has been the lack of energy to exercise. It has made me anxious and nervous. I had done so well while on vacation, running 4 days and going to the gym 3 other days, that I thought I would be invincible. But being cooped up in germ-filled planes and ferries finally caught up with me. My irrational fear this week has been multifaceted:
Will I ever be able to run again? Maybe I will unlearn it?
I am sure I'll gain weight this week.
I am falling behind on my goal to run to prep for a 5k in October?
Will I lose traction?
Well all of you were right in telling me to rest. Obviously my body needed it and I slept in yesterday and today. My husband has been adamant that I take it easy and I have complied. This morning as I was talking to my husband a light bulb went off. It is ok to take a break. This is a life long mission and a week is just a small blip in my life. I suddenly don't feel so bad giving my body a break . I am sure I will be up and running in no time.
On the other front, my work schedule is really becoming hectic. I typically scan my schedule on Sundays to see when and where I am going to exercise so that I have a plan laid out. Well this coming week represents a real challenge. I will be leaving home by 6 every morning and won't be home until very late. Monday and Thursday are a total loss. Tuesday and Wednesday are iffy. What this means is that short of getting up at 4AM and exercising, I will barely get anything in next week. It also means that I have to do most of my cooking today. If I don't plan out every meal, this week could be a disaster. I can't stress the importance of planning and projecting out enough. It has kept me sane with my all consuming job.
On a positive note, I did get some shopping time in yesterday and won't have to go to work naked this fall. There are even a few size 10 items in my closet now. Oh, and I lost 3 pounds.
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