Wednesday, March 06, 2013
Last time that I was here, I was going through some rough times. I put my weight on the back burner while I dealt with some other issues, but now that I'm through those times, I'm ready to start again.
To kick off things this time, I have started a juice fast. It isn't a true fast, since I will be having a snack at the end of every day. I'm tying to hit my goal of 21 days, but even two days is considered a win for me. I want to retrain my palate against the processed foods and sugars that I've taken comfort in while stressed.
Today was my second day. Although not every juice that I have made has been good (too many collard greens are overpowering), I find myself surprised by what I like. Carrot and red apple juice is a classic, but I also like parsnip, radish, and orange. My sense of smell is also coming back in stride. When I opened my fridge this morning, the first thing that I smelled was the kiwi on my top shelf.
The caffeine headaches leave a lot to be desired, but they are a lot better than yesterday. If I hadn't forced my body to think that it was going to get four or five cups of coffee everyday, it wouldn't be begging for it now. I'm hoping to document as much as I can during this process, as it is difficult to do this on my own.
Yesterday, my boyfriend asked me to bring some cookies home from work, and I couldn't help but stare at him as he ate them. That was hard. This is going to be a long two and a half weeks.
Thursday, September 06, 2012
People always talk about there being a light at the end of the tunnel, but I don't think that is true.
I've gone through some pretty rough times recently, and I can't really see an end in sight. The problems that I have, from my body image to my financial issues, won't just magically go away anytime soon.
Instead of thinking that there will be an end to my trouble, I'm going to focus on making now the best that it can be.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
I've messed up, but what exactly does that mean?
For the past two weeks, I've been hiding from the world, too ashamed to ask for help. While I was thinking about the things that I've done to myself to try to loose weight, I realized that I was focusing on all of the negative things that I've done. Yes, I have stuck my finger down my throat more than once. Yes, I had that piece of cake. Yes, I skipped a day of exercise.
What I've done is inexcusable, but it's also ok. I need to accept that I am going to screw up every now and then. If I focus on every bad thing that I have done, I will never have the motivation to get out of bed in the morning. Beating myself up isn't going to change my behavior. So instead of saying how horrible it is that I slipped up, I'm going to embrace every time that I am less than perfect, because those times are when I am the most amazing person that I can be.
No, I will never be a ballet dancer again, but I can still wow everyone on the dance floor. No, I haven't followed my diet to the letter this past week, but my boyfriend laughed like a hyena when I dropped my ice cream down my shirt.
I'm ok with being imperfect.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
After a big setback today and yesterday, I'm trying to get back to bettering myself. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place here. I so badly want to loose weight and get healthier, but I'm also worried about my mental health.
A couple of years ago, I was very thin, a dancer. The problem was that I didn't get there through healthy means. I would binge and purge to keep my figure in check. Nobody ever found out about the bulimia, but they did find out about the suicide attempts. The anti-depressants that I was put on only helped me to gain weight. I didn't feel any better about my life or the situations that I was in. I lost the ability to dance.
Once I was off of the pills, I decided to change my life. I started eating healthier, trying to exercise, but it has always been difficult. Part of me always wants to binge and purge when things are not going right in my life. When I found out yesterday that I was not getting promoted and that I lost a very important court case, I fell back into old habits. It wasn't my first backslide. More and more, I find myself doing what I swore that I would never do again.
Now I don't know what to do. I am unsure if seeing a therapist is the right option. I want to get better, but don't know if the drugs will help or not. They didn't help last time. I have to do something, but I'm stuck.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
This isn't the greatest way to start a blog, but it seems to be more of the norm as of late.
I had a bad day today. I found out through a postcard that I had been denied for a promotion for the third time this year. To make myself feel better, I went to a local cafe that my boyfriend works at. I broke down crying in the store, so one of the employees, a friend of mine, gave me a freshly frosted cupcake and half of a homemade eclair on top of a large caramel latte. I know that any other day I would have declined their offer, but today, I wanted to do something bad.
I feel like I have been doing everything right lately, and it has gotten me nowhere. Maybe I can't be happy unless I feel bad.
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