LIZZY63   112,807
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My mind is in a twirl

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Well, I am now not sure if I am going to London tomorrow or not.

No-one spoke to my mother today about me and my wanting to come visit.
So I am going to call the hospital in the morning and get a nurse to ask her out right if she wants a visit from her eldest daughter.

Then I will get the real answer with no interference from other family members!

They say it is not about ME, not about them, it is about my mother....well how will anyone know if they do not ask!!!!

Geeez, I am so frustrated!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SAL2525 6/17/2010 1:47PM

    You know I beg to differ. Your mom is about to transition to a new place. You on the other hand are going to be left here on this earth and it is you who will have to deal will the emotional fall out that will occur with her death.
For what it is worth I say go! If at any point she becomes upset you can always leave. She might not even realize how much she wants to see you before she passes. Just GO You do not want to be saddled with all the emotional baggage that occurs when you have not gotten a chance to say a loving good bye. Sal

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SKINNYPOWELL1 6/17/2010 10:08AM

    I know everyone has been giving you advice on this tender issue and I really think you should consider everyone's opinion, but seriously think it through and follow your heart.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here... I think you should just go, maybe your mom would never admit she wanted you to come - maybe she's really does want to see you but would never give in and say it. I'm hoping your mom will see you and then her heart will be softened and she will open her arms to let you in. Time is precious. emoticon

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50HARLEYGIRL 6/17/2010 8:07AM

    Chin up! Do what you think is right for you not "the family"! Don't let them keep you away from saying goodbye! After all she is still your mother reguardless of anything that has ever went on between you all! Praying for you and her!!! emoticon

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JULIAOAK 6/17/2010 6:38AM

    Hope everything works out for you today Lizzy - thinking of you! emoticon emoticon

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BODYNSOIL1 6/16/2010 10:28PM

    I hope you can get to London and you are recognized as the oldest daughter.. (hugs)

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MORTICIAADDAMS 6/16/2010 10:00PM


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MABTE52 6/16/2010 6:55PM

    I hope despite everything you get to see her. If I were you, I would show up and visit her. I hope she feels better.

Good luck

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WATCHMEGO2 6/16/2010 6:38PM

    Hope everything works out for you Liz.

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IMLUVN8 6/16/2010 6:29PM

    Well I think that is a fabulous idea. I hope you get the answer you are after. If you go, Have a great time! emoticon

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Made up my mind

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

After speaking to my sister...who is still not sure if it is a good thing or not, and my hubby who says I should do what I want, I have decided to go to London on Thursday to see my mother.
Whether she will know I am there or not, I have no idea, she might even tell me where to go (she has always been stubborn) ...who knows, but at least I will be able to say I went and said my goodbyes.

Fingers crossed she will at least recognise the fact that I am the first born/eldest and will again see me as a daughter.

Hopefully there will be no bad news before Thursday or any bad feedback from her sisters or brother....I do not even remember a brother/my uncle or one of the sisters/aunts so it may be an interesting visit to say the least.

It is a strange thing that we are not close seeing as she got pregnant with me 3 months before she turned 16, which was a big thing back in the 60s.

She is still young, only turned 63 in February, and my 47th birthday is in July.
Would have been nice to have been closer, but things happen that can not be changed, so no point dwelling on the past.

I will do what I think is right for me and then carry on with the rest of my life as I have always done.

So one more day to hang on ......for both of us.

Thank you to everyone that left comments on my last blog, it was really appreciated.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    I hope she makes it until you can get there. emoticon

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SKINNYPOWELL1 6/16/2010 9:08AM

    My thoughts are with you during your difficult time. I'm glad you decided to go. May you have strength during this ordeal and come thru a stronger person. God never gives us anything we can't handle.

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MROGERS65 6/16/2010 8:58AM

    My thoughts are with you, sending love your way

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50HARLEYGIRL 6/16/2010 8:03AM

    Praying for you an your mom! Hopefully all will go well! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JULIAOAK 6/16/2010 7:27AM

    Thinking of you this week and especially tomorrow. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CBRYAN44 6/16/2010 12:36AM

    Lizzy - I think that you're doing the right thing. For both you and your mom and your siblings. When you get to the hospital things may change from what you have planned, but that's what life (and death) are...change! Be open to whatever may happen, but let people know that you are there to see your mom, come what may. I'll continue to pray for you and your situation over the next few days. Be safe traveling to London. Take care. Don't forget to tell your hubby thanks for all his support...even if you've already done that. He'll appreciate it even more because he knows that you care a lot about him, even under difficult circumstances. :) Again...take care....Carol

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ISHIIGIRL 6/15/2010 6:14PM

    It is good for you to go. Then you will know when she passes that you did what you could. It is hard to let a parent go. If you do not do what you can now you will have regrets. My brother and mother passed away. I had piece with my mom but I never had closure with my brother so I have a lot of regrets there. Good Luck!

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NEWNAC304 6/15/2010 5:45PM

    You are doing what is right for you and that is what counts.Good luck.

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It has been a bad day today, and it is not over yet :(

Monday, June 14, 2010

Well the day started a 6.30am as hubby had his appointment at the eye hospital this morning at 10am.

Nothing serious or to worry much about, but needs to be kept an eye pun intended.
He is diabetic and his eyes have some very tiny bleeds, but do not need treatment.
Not like the poor guy who went in before hubby and ended up having emergency laser on his eye!

Anyway, got back home 12.30pm, checked the phone and saw a missed call.
I call back and hear that my mother, who I have not seen or spoken to in over 25 years and has been fighting breast cancer for about 10 years will probably not make the end of this week, if not the next few days.
She is in hospital, her lungs are filling with fluid, they are not draining them and the nurses said she will most likely be sedated from this evening or morning.
When she was bad about 9 months ago I had one of my sisters ask if I could go see her, and the response was negative.
It seems to have hit me harder this time, then it did last year.
My hubby says he will take me to London (she is about 2 hours away) to the hospital to go see her, but I do not think it would be right to turn up unannounced and upset her.
She might not even know I am there...I do not know what to do.
So I just have to sit here and wait for THE phone call, if you know what I mean.

So, I was tearful as I hit the gym, but I took it all out on the treadmill and rower.
Then I get home at 2.30pm as the computer guy was coming at 3pm...or he was!!
His car was in the garage, so he can not come until tomorrow now.

I have had another cry, and I expect a few more, it is so weird to feel like this, especially after not seeing her for so long...but at the end of the day she is my mother and the only one I will have (although she seems to want to forget I exist).

Sorry for such a depressing blog, but have to get it out this way or poor hubby will suffer.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WENDINGO1 6/18/2010 10:31AM

  Sending prayers for strength for you and your family at this time.

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LORNJOHN 6/15/2010 5:21PM

    I think you should also follow you heart and do what feels right for YOU, whatever that may be. I'm sending you lots of love and hugs emoticon

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SKINNYPOWELL1 6/15/2010 11:44AM

    I have to agree with DECKEREC... don't wait and follow your heart. Hope you find peace and comfort during your difficult time.
emoticon emoticon

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MROGERS65 6/15/2010 6:49AM

    oh Lizzy.. my heart hurts for you. Hope that things start looking better and soon. Maybe you should go to the hosp and see her even if she is sedated it may ease your heart....wishing you peace and love.

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MORTICIAADDAMS 6/14/2010 10:11PM

    I'm glad you confided in us. You are loved here. We understand completely. emoticon

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CBRYAN44 6/14/2010 9:58PM

    My heart goes out to you Lizzy. I'll pray for your situation. I sure wish I had words of comfort or wisdom or both! Times like these are tough. Your husband is willing to take you nearer to her. What do you think of going with him for moral support to just be nearer to your mom? Perhaps a sister can change the situation with your mom by talking to her or call you and tell you when the situation has changed enough that you can go. Or even just go to the hospital to help support the rest of the family (and be supported by them as well).


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DECKEREC 6/14/2010 7:31PM

    "Do not wait; the time will never be "just right."
Follow your heart! emoticon emoticon

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BLKERICIA 6/14/2010 4:33PM

    emoticon emoticon

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GABIRUSZCZAK 6/14/2010 4:03PM

    emoticon all I have is a hug...sending you light...

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DNHMOM 6/14/2010 3:05PM

    I'm so sorry to hear about your family troubles. I'm glad you can get the tears out... let them come! :) My mom is a breast cancer survivor, but I'm always afraid of it coming back; I can't imagine how you feel, especially with the family dynamics the way they are. I'll be thinking of you.

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JULIAOAK 6/14/2010 1:48PM

    sorry to hear your news. thinking of you and your family at this time. emoticon emoticon

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MISSION_LADY 6/14/2010 12:59PM

  It is so difficult, family dynamics can be so excruciating. I say go and say your goodbyes. You will always wonder if you should have and rely on your families love to see you through this difficult time.Treasure the good memories from the past and let the bad go.

My thoughts are with you. emoticon

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SUEDEVLIN 6/14/2010 12:32PM

    I'm so sorry to hear this. My father and I haven't spoken for over 30 years so I have a pretty good idea how you're feeling now.

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CBAILEYC 6/14/2010 12:31PM

    I'm sorry. Sending good thoughts your way....

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SPIFFYCAT 6/14/2010 12:28PM

    emoticon I'm so sorry to hear of your bad news, my heart is with you as are my prayers..

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SAL2525 6/14/2010 12:14PM

    I am so sorry - the pain you feel must be unbearable. I just can not imagine. To visit or not has to be such an individual decision. Whatever your feelings are right this minute you are certainly entitled to them. Be angry, cry, scream ....... Sounds like you have some support in your husband. If she were to die and you did not get to see her again would you be devastated beyond belief? If the answer is yes and you can go and tell her you love her than go. I will be praying for you! Sal

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I miss the gym!!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

WOW, its not even been a full week and today was my second day of rest from the gym and boy did I miss it!!

I did do some exercise, just a little, 10 minute bootcamp cardio workout, and a 30 minute walk, so it was not as if I sat on my butt all day...did have an afternoon nap though!

I am not sure what time I will get to the gym tomorrow either, as hubby has an appointment at 10am at the eye hospital, and I have a computer guy coming at 3pm to look at my non-working laptop!
Hopefully we will not be kept at the hospital for hours, they say 10am, and mean you might get seen before noon! So fingers crossed we can get back, I can get to the gym and showered and home before 3...if not have to go later, but not too late I hope.
Also keeping fingers crossed the laptop is easily fixed...for a tech guy anyway, and does not cost too much!

Hope you all had a great weekend, I am looking forward to a full week at the gym!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SKINNYPOWELL1 6/14/2010 10:52AM

    So glad you are SPARKED to go the gym. Good Job.

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    Good luck with the lap top and the gym!!

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Spreading the Spark at the gym

Friday, June 11, 2010

I am on a roll...3 days in a row at the gym...go me! emoticon

It may not look much from the outside, but it is actually bigger than it seems and has everything I need.

The staff already remember my name and think I am addicted to the rowing machine, got to admit it is my new favourite!

As you can see I was also Spreading the Spark....some did look but no-one asked...yet!

I am going to try and work my way up to running a mile without stopping, using the Spark guide here:

Then maybe I will get both my speed and heart rate up.

I did manage to work up a sweat and was on the elliptical before hubby came in with the camera, by that time my knees were starting to burn.

So back up to the rower hehe.

Tomorrow is bootsale/market day again, so will be on the lookout for more bargains.

Have a great weekend everyone!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HAPPY92003 6/15/2010 6:04PM

    You look great! Awesome that you are wearing your Spark shirt:)

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LAILA07 6/12/2010 9:19AM

    Seems like a great place to work out Liz. And you're looking great in your Spark t-shirt. emoticon

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DECKEREC 6/11/2010 10:09PM

    emoticonjob on Spreading the Spark! You look awesome!

Go Care Bears Go!

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EMSMOMME 6/11/2010 8:35PM

    Thanks for sharing the link for running a mile non-stop. That is a goal of mine also! Glad you are loving the gym still AND spreading the Spark!

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    Sounds like a great gym!!

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